Yes, I wondered if you complemented on her nice looking blouse and told her how hot her boots looked. Hot might be to strong at this point, she might run like a dear and take them off.
No. I didn't compliment her. Apparently (she acknowledged in MC today) my text to her, last weekend...that I loved her....she felt was over the top/too soon. So..even though we both admitted things seemed much lighter, this past week (and had a very good MC)....."I Love You" is too soon. MC reminded her that I never STOPPED loving her.
MC had us do 3 "wildest dreams for the relationship"..where we each had to write down 3 wonderous things we wanted for the relationship. Funny thing....both of us wrote (as #3) to buy a farmhouse somewhere, with lots of space, and land. I also mentioned traveling together, and she wrote finding common interests.
W acknowledged things seemed better, because we could air grievances in a safe arena (even though she really hasn't aired her grievances yet.) All in all...the session was very good. She admitted that she saw me trying harder, and being there...and it was nice. I got up early 2x this week, and made her breakfast for the road. She definitely appreciated that. This morning (Saturday) I got up before everyone, and made crepes for breakfast. Her two love languages are acts of service, and time together. Last night, we spent another late evening watching tv together. I'm trying to cater to her language. It appears to be making an impact.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chapparal
You have waited so long to get on this and now you are trying to look at it like a business problem that you can fix overnight.
I don't think so. I'm trying to be patient. Remember, I've been dealing with her pulling away emotionally, for YEARS.....by burying my head in the sand. Her EA forced me to pull my head out. So...yes....inside I am extremely anxious to build this thing back up. And, yes...it is very hard to be patient. But....I think I am...at least on the outside.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock
One thing I wanted to suggest was that may be, you can drop her a suggestion to pursue a similar forum as TAM herself as well somehow? I say this simply because it seems that your wife is more comfortable communicating with the written word that she is verbally.
I like this suggestion....I just don't really want her to stumble on MY thread, though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Working_together
what about the marriage improvement books? didn't you ask her if she could read them?
I didn't ask her....I noticed she signed up for a bunch of books at the library. But...I've not seen any sign that she's actually picked them up....none the less been reading any. MC wants us to read Getting the Love You Want. I already have it on my iPhone...but she doesn't want to read off that. She'll try to get it from the library...and has agreed for us to read it together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by deejov
Forget the stuff she did or didn't do for you for years.
It's not important. What is important is what she is doing TODAY for you, and for the relationship. And what you are doing today.
Appreciate it. Enjoy it. Otherwise... it's just a battle of resentments.
Don't forget to notice it and comment on it if you like it. Don't overanlyze it. Just encourage it.
Date night was nice. We went out, had a light dinner...and couple of drinks. Then joined two other couples for the comedy club. Unlike a couple months ago...we sat next to each other. If you were an outsider, you would never have guessed we were having problems. We had a great time.
She sore something that showed some cleavage...and REALLY caught my eye. Didn't wear perfume though...damn.
It really is weird though....we have pretty much no physical interaction at all. And, it's been sooooo long....I feel like a 16 yo, on his first date. I know at some point, I HAVE to make a move...but really don't know when. Especially after she said (at MC) that my one text ('I love you') was "over the top", which is why she didn't respond. We went out to breakfast today...and then wound up stopping at the cell phone store, to replace her phone. You all may recall...it was her complaining about her blackberry that started my whole fall into hell. When I went onto our cellphone website to research upgrading her phone, is when I found the emails to OM (in October.) So...we got her an iPhone today. I have to admit...this really scares me. There is SOOO much more she can do with this phone...it kinda scares me. Then, the salesman has to be demonstrating the voice commands on this phone. And what does he up and say???....."Let's say you want to send a text to XXXXXX"....(AP name)...."you would just speak 'text XXXX'". I said "you just HAD to use THAT name, didn't you??!!" She jokingly told me to shut up. But...I have to admit...it scares me. I have an iPhone, myself. And I KNOW....if I wanted to do some clandestine activity....THIS is the phone to do it with. She's not the most technology inclined....but this phone sure makes it easy to do so.
Anyway...we seem to be getting along really well now. We are talking about future stuff. But...frankly....I worry. Without "I love yous" and physical contact.....it scares me to talk about future (trips, plans for the house, etc.). At some point all that stuff comes off the table if she isn't IN the relationship. I mean...I'm not taking my wife to Germany, if she's just a roommate. Make sense? For now...i'm just enjoying US. But I hesitate to commit to spending major money...for just a friend. Just wondering how long I stay in this limbo...even if it IS fun.
OTOH youcan use her phone as a GPS unit. Also,you can get deleted texts from the computer when it is synched ,no? This may be a good thing. If you get caught it could be a disaster.
OTOH youcan use her phone as a GPS unit. Also,you can get deleted texts from the computer when it is synched ,no? This may be a good thing. If you get caught it could be a disaster.
I will definitely avoid this....unless some major red flag comes up.
You just need to make the move on her. After what the counselor said about you never stopped loving her, I bet that made her think. What did she say after the counselor said that? Posted via Mobile Device
Maybe ...on the move.
As for the counselor....she kind of just shrugged, and said something like 'I guess."
As for the counselor....she kind of just shrugged, and said something like 'I guess."
Maybe on the move you should wait a little longer in the hopes she gives you a clear signal. Believe me I understand what you want to happen but everthing seems to be improving although fragile at this point.
Maybe on the move you should wait a little longer in the hopes she gives you a clear signal. Believe me I understand what you want to happen but everthing seems to be improving although fragile at this point.
Can't you just ask her to wear perfume for you when you guys go out? If you ask her point blank and straight to her face, she gonna have to respond in some way.
Can't you just ask her to wear perfume for you when you guys go out? If you ask her point blank and straight to her face, she gonna have to respond in some way.
Sure..I could. But it's just odd. She goes through the exact same process to go out, as she does to go to work. Her work routine involves perfume....not her date routine with me. In fact she puts more on, the nights she goes to book club. I wouldn't dream of not going the extra steps for grooming when I go out with her...above what I would do for work. Maybe I'm reading too much into it....but would hope my spouse would do the same....give me at least as much effort as for work. Too much to expect? Posted via Mobile Device
I would have to ask myself if it is even worth it. What a miserable life you both are living. Almost 2 years without any touch, is over the top.
I know I wasn't the best wife, but I would have not let him go that long with sex.
I would be so tired of walking on eggshells...not sure it would be worth it. You are still young and full of life, maybe it is time to find someone who will love you and not feel over the top when you tell her you "Love Her."
I know...right? The only reason I could "stand it" was because I focused my energies on work....and to be frank.....taking care of myself. But, I don't see her "taking care of HERSELF." She may be...but if not...I'm seriously wondering WHO is taking care of her emotional/physical needs. I mean...seriously....as low drive as she is.....is it REALLY possibly she could go 2 years without any kind of physical release?? I've gone this long, because I didn't have a choice. But...she did.
On the flip side.....she DID send me an email today to thank me for making oatmeal/dried cranberry breakfast bars, last night. They were yummy. So...two weeks in a row...and two "thank you's." Wow...progress. It's not like I've not done these things in the past.....it's just that they seemed to have gone unnoticed. I KNOW there is progress here. But....it just seems like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I mean....SHE's the one with the EA....SHE's the one who pulled away, without so much as a "by your leave." I'm doing a LOT of work here. I don't recall who's post it was (in the after work routine posts)...but I've totally adopted the "my work isn't done until the kids/wife go to bed" philosophy. And it IS being noticed. But...all I'm getting back is....well...she's decided NOT to be mean to me. Wow. Still...it's better than it has been, in two years.
The problem is...now that my head is out of the sand....I am definite....it can't just be only as good as it was 6 years ago. It HAS to be better. I'm thinking I need to see movement toward BETTER by April. If I don't see it....I just don't fathom I can continue. There is another post, that MEM indicated what "Normal" is....and for the first time, I am adament...normal for me is NOT sex every 3-4 months. I fully understand, now, how demoralized/rejected I was feeling over the past 12 years. And I understand how that was affecting my self valuation. That is no longer an option.
So...in short....I'm happy there is progress...and really in a short amount of time. But...she really needs to kick it up, herself.....or, just like the German offensive of 1944......this progress will grind to a halt, for lack of fuel.
I know...right? The only reason I could "stand it" was because I focused my energies on work....and to be frank.....taking care of myself. But, I don't see her "taking care of HERSELF." She may be...but if not...I'm seriously wondering WHO is taking care of her emotional/physical needs. I mean...seriously....as low drive as she is.....is it REALLY possibly she could go 2 years without any kind of physical release?? I've gone this long, because I didn't have a choice. But...she did.
On the flip side.....she DID send me an email today to thank me for making oatmeal/dried cranberry breakfast bars, last night. They were yummy. So...two weeks in a row...and two "thank you's." Wow...progress. It's not like I've not done these things in the past.....it's just that they seemed to have gone unnoticed. I KNOW there is progress here. But....it just seems like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I mean....SHE's the one with the EA....SHE's the one who pulled away, without so much as a "by your leave." I'm doing a LOT of work here. I don't recall who's post it was (in the after work routine posts)...but I've totally adopted the "my work isn't done until the kids/wife go to bed" philosophy. And it IS being noticed. But...all I'm getting back is....well...she's decided NOT to be mean to me. Wow. Still...it's better than it has been, in two years.
The problem is...now that my head is out of the sand....I am definite....it can't just be only as good as it was 6 years ago. It HAS to be better. I'm thinking I need to see movement toward BETTER by April. If I don't see it....I just don't fathom I can continue. There is another post, that MEM indicated what "Normal" is....and for the first time, I am adament...normal for me is NOT sex every 3-4 months. I fully understand, now, how demoralized/rejected I was feeling over the past 12 years. And I understand how that was affecting my self valuation. That is no longer an option.
So...in short....I'm happy there is progress...and really in a short amount of time. But...she really needs to kick it up, herself.....or, just like the German offensive of 1944......this progress will grind to a halt, for lack of fuel.
Can I ask why you are doing these things for her? I mean the oatmeal bars and breakfast? She had the EA, yet is kind of coasting, just sitting back and letting you do the work? So why are you doing the work? Why do nice things for her, so you can get a nice email thank you?
A cynic would say she is doling out just enough to get you to continue to do all the things she needs. Would they be wrong?
As far as the physical release, she is taking care of herself. I don't think she is having an affair and I too would have been mad at you about all the spying.
Well...let's be fair, though. The spying occured only AFTER she DID start an EA. If I hadn't spied.....she would (in all likelihood) be in full-blown PA, right now. So...yeah ....she could be mad about the spying....but it was exactly THAT which has even given us a chance. She needs to get over it. I didn't want to do it.....but, I'm not going to lose sleep over having done it. I was justified....and simply fighting for my marriage.
Can I ask why you are doing these things for her? I mean the oatmeal bars and breakfast? She had the EA, yet is kind of coasting, just sitting back and letting you do the work? So why are you doing the work? Why do nice things for her, so you can get a nice email thank you?
A cynic would say she is doling out just enough to get you to continue to do all the things she needs. Would they be wrong?
Nope...they'd be right. The EA happened because we were not working on the marriage. So....now I am. I owned 50% of the marriage issues. So...I'm correcting that part. If she won't step up, and own her part...then it won't continue. As has been pointed out...ONE of us has to start something. We've been in a stalemate for too long. So...I'm trying to be the best husband/father/man...I can be. In the end....if that isn't enough...so be it. I'll walk away with head held high. But...just sitting back was just more of the same. We've been there. Don't get me wrong...I hear ya....and I am waiting for her to start stepping up. It HAS to happen. I'm not being a doormat....I'm being the man I should have been all along. I quit my online-gaming back in August. I've quit the porn. I'm home every night (except Tuesdays.....pool league night). I'm pulling my share (at least) of the home chores. In essence...I'm stepping up the the involvement I feel is right for the man/husband/father of the house. I'm just waiting for her to join me. But...i'm NOT closing the gap all the way to her side. I'm right here in the middle....waiting.
Sure..I could. But it's just odd. She goes through the exact same process to go out, as she does to go to work. Her work routine involves perfume....not her date routine with me. In fact she puts more on, the nights she goes to book club. I wouldn't dream of not going the extra steps for grooming when I go out with her...above what I would do for work. Maybe I'm reading too much into it....but would hope my spouse would do the same....give me at least as much effort as for work. Too much to expect? Posted via Mobile Device
So ask her already about the perfume and then you know why. It's obviously bothering you Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
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