There is just no excuse for an affair. You talk about things and work them out BEFORE things go that far. Obviously she has no intentions of cutting the OM out of her life so if I were you..I'd take action and get out of the marriage. Granted, it might hurt the kids at first, but the thing is, you and your wife will have constant arguements forever because there is no longer any trust..and THAT will hurt the kids more than you moving on with your life and finding someone that will make you sincerely happy.
Daily what MEM said.
You were not using your empathy muscle. You got it. The kids were a nightmare, they put her in a bad place.
Now what would a man who is thinking of his wife and not of himself do? Maybe "the kids got you down?, why don't you go take a brake after dinner and let me handle them."
Start intervening with the kids get them under control. Don't just sit there like an observer.
Look at it from her point of view - she needed a co-parent to back her up. What did she get? Another person demanding her attention.
You put yourself in with the kids. You sat there watching the scene and instead of helping her, you appealed to her to reassure you. You should be reassuring her that the misbehavior is temporary and you get them in line. That is acting like her hero not another needy child.
I can just imagine this is difficult for you. It is hard for you to think strait but you have to. You have to step back and gather your senses. Man up first, do it for you, your kids and your wife. That's what she needs. She is asking you to be a man in control and possession of yourself. A man with a plan, who is not hanging on her every mood. A man who set the tone regardless of the day to day fluctuations.
Stop letting the winds ruffle your sails. Stay ahead of it and control where you are headed. Posted via Mobile Device
Favorite phrase I like to hear: "You are my rock".
Being inclined towards engineering I far prefer to think of myself as a "real time emotional stabilization and navigation system". But "rock" will do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Daily what MEM said.
You were not using your empathy muscle. You got it. The kids were a nightmare, they put her in a bad place.
Now what would a man who is thinking of his wife and not of himself do? Maybe "the kids got you down?, why don't you go take a brake after dinner and let me handle them."
Start intervening with the kids get them under control. Don't just sit there like an observer.
Look at it from her point of view - she needed a co-parent to back her up. What did she get? Another person demanding her attention.
You put yourself in with the kids. You sat there watching the scene and instead of helping her, you appealed to her to reassure you. You should be reassuring her that the misbehavior is temporary and you get them in line. That is acting like her hero not another needy child.
I can just imagine this is difficult for you. It is hard for you to think strait but you have to. You have to step back and gather your senses. Man up first, do it for you, your kids and your wife. That's what she needs. She is asking you to be a man in control and possession of yourself. A man with a plan, who is not hanging on her every mood. A man who set the tone regardless of the day to day fluctuations.
Stop letting the winds ruffle your sails. Stay ahead of it and control where you are headed. Posted via Mobile Device
Just going to make a couple gentle observations here:
1. Kids were a terror all day - you get home she is quiet and tense. LEAVE HER ALONE. Meaning - as soon as you perceive she is in a bad place, just focus on the kids and give her time to be by herself. She is not obligated to force herself to be in a good mood just because you showed up.
2. Until you decouple from HER emotional states - you are screwed.
UNTIL you are willing to assert yourself - YOU ARE DOUBLY screwed. It goes like this:
Babe - I understand you aren't ready for me to say "ILY". I get that. It makes you feel bad and I won't do it again.
That said, if a simple ILY causes you to react badly, we aren't going to DW. And we aren't going because I wouldn't enjoy a going on a luxury vacation with someone who clearly doesn't care for me. And since I am not going to enjoy it, we aren't going to go.
Your reaction to her bad mood, and your behavior regarding DW are the same. EVEN when it is BAD for her and BAD for you, you are clingy.
And nothing turns a woman off more than clingy.
The thing is because he may want to talk about his "pissy" day and have her next to him, he kind of expects her to do the same. My husband and I are are the same, I need the space when I'm in a bad mood (and watch out), and he keeps following me around the house asking me what's wrong, I tell him what it is (usually kids not listening or acting out), and he has the need to keep talking about it, I just need to breath a bit. And I'll say "I don't want to talk about it right now", and he'll be like "no, you need to talk about it, you're angry" Him on the other hand, he needs to talk about every aspect of his "pissy" day, what the people said, how he felt.
Soooo......I get home from work today....wife in a REALLY pissy mood. We all sit down to eat dinner....kids are a terror. Turns out they were a real terror when she picked them up.....and now she's in a horrible mood. She just sits there eating...not talking, grumpy as hell. Later, I'm cleaning up the dishes, and she's basically ignoring me. WTF did I do????
So...I ask her 'Why are you mad at ME?' Her: "I'm not....kids just pissed me off tonight"....and she basically stalks out. I'm thinking...so...kids piss you off...I ride in to the rescue....and....You get pissy with me?? And ignore ME?? Wow...way to erase all the positive feelings from the past week. {sigh} Sorry...just venting.
Stop rescuing her, let her feel what she needs to. Walk away, and let her come to you when she calms down. Ask her then if she's feeling better. Don't let it erase any positive feelings you have, she's in bad mood, she told you it's not about you.
Sure..I could. But it's just odd. She goes through the exact same process to go out, as she does to go to work. Her work routine involves perfume....not her date routine with me. In fact she puts more on, the nights she goes to book club. I wouldn't dream of not going the extra steps for grooming when I go out with her...above what I would do for work. Maybe I'm reading too much into it....but would hope my spouse would do the same....give me at least as much effort as for work. Too much to expect? Posted via Mobile Device
DG - I wear perfume frequently for work, full makeup, dress up, the whole nine yards. But on date nights and when around H, I don't do all that stuff [sometimes I don't even put on makeup]. Not because I want to give the people at work more effort, but b/c I believe my H loves me without all that. I don't NEED to wear perfume for him to tell me I smell good. I don't NEED to put forth all that effort for him to love me. I feel beautiful just being around him.
I think its work to get ready for work. I don't want to work to get ready to spend time with my H.
Now, if we are having a "fancy" date night where we both agree to get all dressed up, I shave legs, makeup, do my hair, perfume, jewelry... but really, that's just a show for other people b/c he could care less if I'm in jeans and a t-shirt with no makeup or in full blown dress up mode - and that's one thing I love about him.
Who cares about the perfume, it's taking over the cat issue now lol
Believe it or not, women dress up, wear make up, perfume a lot of the times as competition with other women.
I think you're focusing on the little things she does, or doesn't do. You tend to overanylize, a little obsessive at times maybe. yes, you have good intentions, that counts for something, you're making a lot of changes, and she's noticing. But, I think you need to ask her what she really wants from you, what she needs for you to feel loved, appreciated, validated, etc. She obviously likes it when you cook, but what else does she like about you in the relationship? Ask her if you don't know. She likes space, that's obvious, she goes upstairs, reads, rests, whatever, she probably isn't (not always anyway) doing this to be mean to you, or ignore you, (she's different from you, and doesn't require as much together time, she takes it to the extreme I think, but it's done as a way to send a message, maybe she has told you, but you haven't heard her.
The affection and sex thing seems puzzling, two years is a long time. Is it possible set the mood where you can talk about it, the way it was before it stopped? what changed? Tell her you miss her, the way it was before, is there anything you can do to help her in this area? people get stuck in ruts, but two years is a long time.
This all needs to be addressed where she doesn't feel smothered, or feel you are desperate to know these things, it's got to be very casual, matter of fact, but still caring.
Soooo......I get home from work today....wife in a REALLY pissy mood. We all sit down to eat dinner....kids are a terror. Turns out they were a real terror when she picked them up.....and now she's in a horrible mood. She just sits there eating...not talking, grumpy as hell. Later, I'm cleaning up the dishes, and she's basically ignoring me. WTF did I do????
So...I ask her 'Why are you mad at ME?' Her: "I'm not....kids just pissed me off tonight"....and she basically stalks out. I'm thinking...so...kids piss you off...I ride in to the rescue....and....You get pissy with me?? And ignore ME?? Wow...way to erase all the positive feelings from the past week. {sigh} Sorry...just venting.
It's probably not about you at all but about the kids acting up. Nice of you to clean up the dishes but that wasn't riding in to the rescue. Riding in to the rescue would have been putting your foot down with the kids and make them behave. That would have been the rescue. What you did (and again, cleaning up dishes IS nice) was riding in and asking her why she's mad at you. She might have ignored you because you didn't really rescue her.
If I see my daugther being disrespectful to my husband, she can count on hearing from me LOUD and CLEAR! Same vice versa.
Just going to make a couple gentle observations here:
1. Kids were a terror all day - you get home she is quiet and tense.
She picked them up from daycare at 6:15. I was home by 7:15. She didn't deal with them all day....just one hour.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
LEAVE HER ALONE. Meaning - as soon as you perceive she is in a bad place, just focus on the kids and give her time to be by herself. She is not obligated to force herself to be in a good mood just because you showed up.
I did. I came home, and took over the situation. Got the kids in line, and ready for bed. This is typical, in our house. I have to deal with them every morning.....hearding cats {yes...cats again}...to get them up, fed, dressed, and ready for school...then deliver them to daycare....and TRY to get to work on time. She picks them up, has them for one hour...and if they don't cooporate....sticks them on me, when I get home cause she "just can't deal with their behavior...and now has a headache/tired/whatever."
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
2. Until you decouple from HER emotional states - you are screwed.
This is truly the problem. Her mood seems to set the tone for the entire household. In these cases...I truly don't know which came first...her bad mood, triggering the kids...or the other way around.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
That said, if a simple ILY causes you to react badly, we aren't going to DW. And we aren't going because I wouldn't enjoy a going on a luxury vacation with someone who clearly doesn't care for me. And since I am not going to enjoy it, we aren't going to go.
I think this is a topic I'll discuss at our next MC (in two weeks), if things haven't drastically improved.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
Your reaction to her bad mood, and your behavior regarding DW are the same. EVEN when it is BAD for her and BAD for you, you are clingy.
And nothing turns a woman off more than clingy.
No...I don't think I was clingy. In fact....yes, I admit her moods affect mine (I was in a pretty good mood, until I got home).....my historical reaction to her being in a *****y mood, is to pull back emotionally. I think that is partially how we got into our downward spiral. I'm TRYING to just maintain my existing mood, regardless what she is doing. It is this "decoupling" you mentioned...that I find difficult. But, no...I wasn't clingy at all.
@Catherine - No...I didn't just sit there and watch. I DID take charge; got the kids under control...and into bed.....while she slinked off to bed. I play that role all the time. You are right though....and I'm working on it.....I shouldn't let her mood affect me.
There is an old saying that goes something like " How momma goes, goes the household." LOL It looks like the kids were just an add on to a bad day. And a million things could cause that. When that happens people sometimes lash out to those that they care most about. You just have to give them space, be supportive, and help them decompress. I know many people can't stand many of the people they work with and it can get to them some days more than others.
If you can, let her talk about it after she has had some time to relax. Just don't try to fix her problem. Just listen unless she asks you a question. At least thats what my wife wants.
It's probably not about you at all but about the kids acting up. Nice of you to clean up the dishes but that wasn't riding in to the rescue. Riding in to the rescue would have been putting your foot down with the kids and make them behave. That would have been the rescue. What you did (and again, cleaning up dishes IS nice) was riding in and asking her why she's mad at you. She might have ignored you because you didn't really rescue her.
If I see my daugther being disrespectful to my husband, she can count on hearing from me LOUD and CLEAR! Same vice versa.
I agree, it's about what SHE needs at that moment in time. Ask her, "how can I help you"?
Ok, so you cleared up what you did in terms of handling the situation.
The mood thing is a big issue in my house as well. If I'm in a bad mood, my husband is crushed, and I mean he really suffers from it. What does she do when you're in a bad mood??
I did. I came home, and took over the situation. Got the kids in line, and ready for bed. This is typical, in our house. I have to deal with them every morning.....hearding cats {yes...cats again}...to get them up, fed, dressed, and ready for school...then deliver them to daycare....and TRY to get to work on time. She picks them up, has them for one hour...and if they don't cooporate....sticks them on me, when I get home cause she "just can't deal with their behavior...and now has a headache/tired/whatever."
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Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
