It's probably not about you at all but about the kids acting up. Nice of you to clean up the dishes but that wasn't riding in to the rescue. Riding in to the rescue would have been putting your foot down with the kids and make them behave. That would have been the rescue. What you did (and again, cleaning up dishes IS nice) was riding in and asking her why she's mad at you. She might have ignored you because you didn't really rescue her.
If I see my daugther being disrespectful to my husband, she can count on hearing from me LOUD and CLEAR! Same vice versa.
No...I took care of the kids. The dishes are what I do every night. That just happens to be when she was back in the kitchen, and I asked her why she was mad at me.
Ok, so you cleared up what you did in terms of handling the situation.
The mood thing is a big issue in my house as well. If I'm in a bad mood, my husband is crushed, and I mean he really suffers from it. What does she do when you're in a bad mood??
Usually...when I'm in a bad mood...it only lasts 10-15 minutes....unless she is the cause of it. Then....I'm in a bad mood, until I get physical separation (she goes to bed, or something)...then I get more like me. OR...maybe kick the cat a couple times....that helps {kidding}.
As for the moods - they happen, that's life and it's not fair! I know how to handle hubby when he comes home pissed and I "think" he knows not to speak to me if I'm pissy, most of which is about work or the damn dogs (I don't kick 'em but wish I could put perfume on them cause they stink), hardly ever about hubby. Either way, couldn't stand if anyone would talk to me when I'm pissed. I get over it pretty fast, most of the time by making fun of myself about being pissed.
Usually, by the time I get home...she's made dinner (and many times they have already eaten.) I pretty much take over the governance of the kids, when I arrive. She finishes stuff (usually kid-related...like looking at their take-home folders, or getting their stuff ready for the next day.) Once that is done...she typically heads to bed (usually around the same time I'm putting kids in bed). Many times...I put off eating until they get settled into bed...so I can oversee them for her. Meaning I'm not eating until like 9:00.
It's just the attitude. She has apparently been holding grudges against me for occasionally being "rude" to her. Not yelling, not being mean, not physical, not aggressive......"rude." Meaning....voice tone. And yet.....the history is striffe with her giving ME tone. I come home last night....I say hello...and get a gruff "HI!!!" It takes me an hour to just get around to figuring out who she is mad at. Her attitude is like she's ANGRY at me. And I'm trying to figure out why that is. Her sharp retorts, sitting angrily in her chair, not talking, not even looking at me.....I walk into this wonderign WTF did I do? I can't tell you the number of times she has barked at me, when dealing with the kids....and I ask her 'why are you yelling at me?' Only to hear..."the kids are driving me nuts!" To which I will respond 'okay....BUT....why are you yelling at ME??!!' But....whooaaaa there, hoss.....let me do the same to her....well....that's worthy of a complete emotional shut down, for at LEAST...ohh....let's say....ahhh....3 months, maybe?? Oh...but yeah.....she tells AP...SHE walks on eggshells.
So she can't separate you from the kids when she's mad at the kids, right? You get yelled at even though she's not mad at you?
You guys aren't tuned into each other's way to communicate at all, not saying that's all your fault but seems like lots of work to be done there.
You guys don't eat dinner together? I understand you work long hours etc. and I'm just saying this because they call me the "It's Dinner Time Cryer" at my house but there is no way we're not eating dinner together. If my husband gets home late and we "had to eat" already because we were about to pass out, we sit at least down with him so he doesn't sit there all by himself. Maybe I'm a bit weird with this but dinner time is for talking about your day...with your kids....and listen to theirs. I actually think it's a good way to get rid of the day's frustrating events, share good stuff and you also get to stay up to date on what your kids are doing - in other words: communicate! When I was a kid my parents ate in separate rooms and I sat there all by myself - makes me sad and I simply don't want that for my husband and daugther - therefore I'm the Dinner Time General and it's 20 push ups for anyone that shows up late (kidding!)
So she can't separate you from the kids when she's mad at the kids, right? You get yelled at even though she's not mad at you?
You guys aren't tuned into each other's way to communicate at all, not saying that's all your fault but seems like lots of work to be done there.
You guys don't eat dinner together? I understand you work long hours etc. and I'm just saying this because they call me the "It's Dinner Time Cryer" at my house but there is no way we're not eating dinner together. If my husband gets home late and we "had to eat" already because we were about to pass out, we sit at least down with him so he doesn't sit there all by himself. Maybe I'm a bit weird with this but dinner time is for talking about your day...with your kids....and listen to theirs. I actually think it's a good way to get rid of the day's frustrating events, share good stuff and you also get to stay up to date on what your kids are doing - in other words: communicate! When I was a kid my parents ate in separate rooms and I sat there all by myself - makes me sad and I simply don't want that for my husband and daugther - therefore I'm the Dinner Time General and it's 20 push ups for anyone that shows up late (kidding!)
She gets up early (6:00...out the door by 7:00) to go to work early, so she can pick them up in the evening. I drop them off in the morning...used to be I was out the door around 8:15 (to drop them off at school). Now...I'm dropping them off at our athletic clubs before school care, around 7:45. I get to work around 9:00. I typicaly don't even try to leave before 6:00 pm (when rush hour is pretty much starting to die.) She's already home by 6:00. I have at least a 1 hr. commute...so walk through the door around 7:00. Yes...many times they have already eaten....but not always.
I'm not saying this is going to fix anything but I also think it's not going to hurt either: Try to have dinner together as a family as often as you can. Even if it's not possible, can they at least sit down with you (maybe eat their dessert) when you come home? People bond through sharing food. I'm sure you have seen families from other cultures sitting in a large circle around a pot of food - it's not so much about the food itself, it's about the socializing, the spending time together. Eating is one of our most basic needs, sharing this event with the ones you love creates bonds.
I understand that it might be hard for you to say "Honey, you guys can't eat dinner without me anymore..." because you don't want to piss her off - however, maybe if you mention how nice it is for you all to eat dinner together, maybe mention it to the kids and then they tell Mommy "Hey, Daddy isn't home yet, can we wait for him?"
I'm sorry if I'm going totally overboard with my Dinner Drill but I know for a fact that it has kept my family together through tough times, it has made a big difference in our relationship with our teen daugther and it has made us much stronger as a family.
Does she require 9 or 10 hrs of sleep each night? Good grief. My teenager doesn't sleep that much most days. Why don't you suggest she stay up 1 hr after the kids are put to bed so you can have some quality time together each day. It certainly won't kill her to lose 1 hour of sleep.
Does she require 9 or 10 hrs of sleep each night? Good grief. My teenager doesn't sleep that much most days. Why don't you suggest she stay up 1 hr after the kids are put to bed so you can have some quality time together each day. It certainly won't kill her to lose 1 hour of sleep.
This is part of her problem.....she doesn't sleep well. She's ALWAYS tired. Every morning, for 13 years...I've heard "I didn't sleep well last night. I have a headache." I mean it...EVERY MORNING. I have BEGGED her to see a doctor....but she won't. THIS...is why I stopped sleeping in our bed for two years, until about a month ago (I am back there now). THIS is a primary reason for the lack of sex. Apparently, she doesn't see it as a big enough problem.
Usually, by the time I get home...she's made dinner (and many times they have already eaten.) I pretty much take over the governance of the kids, when I arrive. She finishes stuff (usually kid-related...like looking at their take-home folders, or getting their stuff ready for the next day.) Once that is done...she typically heads to bed (usually around the same time I'm putting kids in bed). Many times...I put off eating until they get settled into bed...so I can oversee them for her. Meaning I'm not eating until like 9:00.
It's just the attitude. She has apparently been holding grudges against me for occasionally being "rude" to her. Not yelling, not being mean, not physical, not aggressive......"rude." Meaning....voice tone. And yet.....the history is striffe with her giving ME tone. I come home last night....I say hello...and get a gruff "HI!!!" It takes me an hour to just get around to figuring out who she is mad at. Her attitude is like she's ANGRY at me. And I'm trying to figure out why that is. Her sharp retorts, sitting angrily in her chair, not talking, not even looking at me.....I walk into this wonderign WTF did I do? I can't tell you the number of times she has barked at me, when dealing with the kids....and I ask her 'why are you yelling at me?' Only to hear..."the kids are driving me nuts!" To which I will respond 'okay....BUT....why are you yelling at ME??!!' But....whooaaaa there, hoss.....let me do the same to her....well....that's worthy of a complete emotional shut down, for at LEAST...ohh....let's say....ahhh....3 months, maybe?? Oh...but yeah.....she tells AP...SHE walks on eggshells.
Sorry...just more venting.
What's your "tone" she's always referring to? does she describe it? and why does she feel like she's "walking on eggshells?"
So she can't separate you from the kids when she's mad at the kids, right? You get yelled at even though she's not mad at you?
You guys aren't tuned into each other's way to communicate at all, not saying that's all your fault but seems like lots of work to be done there.
You guys don't eat dinner together? I understand you work long hours etc. and I'm just saying this because they call me the "It's Dinner Time Cryer" at my house but there is no way we're not eating dinner together. If my husband gets home late and we "had to eat" already because we were about to pass out, we sit at least down with him so he doesn't sit there all by himself. Maybe I'm a bit weird with this but dinner time is for talking about your day...with your kids....and listen to theirs. I actually think it's a good way to get rid of the day's frustrating events, share good stuff and you also get to stay up to date on what your kids are doing - in other words: communicate! When I was a kid my parents ate in separate rooms and I sat there all by myself - makes me sad and I simply don't want that for my husband and daugther - therefore I'm the Dinner Time General and it's 20 push ups for anyone that shows up late (kidding!)
You don't have to have dinner all together every single night, but yeah, it's really important that there be at least 5 nights a week where you're all sitting together. Otherwise it becomes a habit.
I'm not saying this is going to fix anything but I also think it's not going to hurt either: Try to have dinner together as a family as often as you can. Even if it's not possible, can they at least sit down with you (maybe eat their dessert) when you come home? People bond through sharing food. I'm sure you have seen families from other cultures sitting in a large circle around a pot of food - it's not so much about the food itself, it's about the socializing, the spending time together. Eating is one of our most basic needs, sharing this event with the ones you love creates bonds.
I understand that it might be hard for you to say "Honey, you guys can't eat dinner without me anymore..." because you don't want to piss her off - however, maybe if you mention how nice it is for you all to eat dinner together, maybe mention it to the kids and then they tell Mommy "Hey, Daddy isn't home yet, can we wait for him?"
I'm sorry if I'm going totally overboard with my Dinner Drill but I know for a fact that it has kept my family together through tough times, it has made a big difference in our relationship with our teen daugther and it has made us much stronger as a family.
I don't think you're going overboard on the dinner thing, there's lots of evidence that it is healthy for family bonding.
I don't think it was a matter of me of constantly using "tone", or "nastiness"....as much as the fact I EVER did. The very few times I did....seem to hold sway over the thousands of other times when I was my natural loving/caring self.
I don't think it was a matter of me of constantly using "tone", or "nastiness"....as much as the fact I EVER did. The very few times I did....seem to hold sway over the thousands of other times when I was my natural loving/caring self.
No...I don't think I was clingy. In fact....yes, I admit her moods affect mine (I was in a pretty good mood, until I got home).....my historical reaction to her being in a *****y mood, is to pull back emotionally. I think that is partially how we got into our downward spiral. I'm TRYING to just maintain my existing mood, regardless what she is doing. It is this "decoupling" you mentioned...that I find difficult. But, no...I wasn't clingy at all.
@Catherine - No...I didn't just sit there and watch. I DID take charge; got the kids under control...and into bed.....while she slinked off to bed. I play that role all the time. You are right though....and I'm working on it.....I shouldn't let her mood affect me.[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry - got it wrong. You are doing too much and you are too warm.
Yes you are to clingy. Stop. I can't tell you how to stop and how to handle her disengagement. Be cool but sympathetic? Work out a list of her responsibilities.
If she has problems with it IC and parenting skills classes. A parent should be able to handle kids. If not get professional help.
I think one of your problems is that you don't consider carefully before shooting down a suggestion. LISTEN and consider, someone may be right and may actually help.
180Likes
Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
another cat for you.
