You cannot allow your spouse to lash out at you/take their bad mood out on you. If they are tense/edgy/quiet you give them space. But if they are being nasty - you just tell them firmly that you are their partner - not their punching bag.
And you teach them how to apologize when they do that by suspending "normal" interaction until they do so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chapparal
There is an old saying that goes something like " How momma goes, goes the household." LOL It looks like the kids were just an add on to a bad day. And a million things could cause that. When that happens people sometimes lash out to those that they care most about. You just have to give them space, be supportive, and help them decompress. I know many people can't stand many of the people they work with and it can get to them some days more than others.
If you can, let her talk about it after she has had some time to relax. Just don't try to fix her problem. Just listen unless she asks you a question. At least thats what my wife wants.
DG,
The BEST way to decouple is this. When she is in a bad place, you direct ALL your interactions at the kids. Be friendly and playful with them - EVEN if you need to discipline them, do it in an upbeat way. But IGNORE her. She will quickly notice that all your positive energy is going to everyone BUT her.
And you may use this tactic whenever you wish. You can call a friend - and be happy/upbeat with them. And if she is in earshot - she will know what she is missing.
Don't be angry/cold with her. Just flat/neutral/polite. She may try to provoke you. Just give her a puzzled look - like WTF is wrong with you - and don't speak. Then go on about your day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
No...I don't think I was clingy. In fact....yes, I admit her moods affect mine (I was in a pretty good mood, until I got home).....my historical reaction to her being in a *****y mood, is to pull back emotionally. I think that is partially how we got into our downward spiral. I'm TRYING to just maintain my existing mood, regardless what she is doing. It is this "decoupling" you mentioned...that I find difficult. But, no...I wasn't clingy at all.
@Catherine - No...I didn't just sit there and watch. I DID take charge; got the kids under control...and into bed.....while she slinked off to bed. I play that role all the time. You are right though....and I'm working on it.....I shouldn't let her mood affect me.
I'm sorry - got it wrong. You are doing too much and you are too warm.
Yes you are to clingy. Stop. I can't tell you how to stop and how to handle her disengagement. Be cool but sympathetic? Work out a list of her responsibilities.
If she has problems with it IC and parenting skills classes. A parent should be able to handle kids. If not get professional help.
I think one of your problems is that you don't consider carefully before shooting down a suggestion. LISTEN and consider, someone may be right and may actually help.
I don't think it was a matter of me of constantly using "tone", or "nastiness"....as much as the fact I EVER did. The very few times I did....seem to hold sway over the thousands of other times when I was my natural loving/caring self.
By the way....look at my new avatar.
Grrrrrrr, ok, don't worry, I've been coming up with some ideas of my own....you like dogs right?
Usually, by the time I get home...she's made dinner (and many times they have already eaten.) I pretty much take over the governance of the kids, when I arrive. She finishes stuff (usually kid-related...like looking at their take-home folders, or getting their stuff ready for the next day.) Once that is done...she typically heads to bed (usually around the same time I'm putting kids in bed). Many times...I put off eating until they get settled into bed...so I can oversee them for her. Meaning I'm not eating until like 9:00.
It's just the attitude. She has apparently been holding grudges against me for occasionally being "rude" to her. Not yelling, not being mean, not physical, not aggressive......"rude." Meaning....voice tone. And yet.....the history is striffe with her giving ME tone. I come home last night....I say hello...and get a gruff "HI!!!" It takes me an hour to just get around to figuring out who she is mad at. Her attitude is like she's ANGRY at me. And I'm trying to figure out why that is. Her sharp retorts, sitting angrily in her chair, not talking, not even looking at me.....I walk into this wonderign WTF did I do? I can't tell you the number of times she has barked at me, when dealing with the kids....and I ask her 'why are you yelling at me?' Only to hear..."the kids are driving me nuts!" To which I will respond 'okay....BUT....why are you yelling at ME??!!' But....whooaaaa there, hoss.....let me do the same to her....well....that's worthy of a complete emotional shut down, for at LEAST...ohh....let's say....ahhh....3 months, maybe?? Oh...but yeah.....she tells AP...SHE walks on eggshells.
Sorry...just more venting.
I'm going to make an observation...if someone were to say "why are you yelling at me" and the person responds that the kids are driving them crazy, and the person says again "why are you yelling at me", it's not helpful, it's patronizing, and somewhat demeaning. It's like you don't care about her feelings, it's about what you are feeling. Instead, say, "ok, I see you're angry, how about I finish the dishes (or whatever), and we'll talk about what's going on". No, she shouldn't take her anger on you, you're right, but the way you deal with it isn't all that healthy. Right there, she was opening up and telling you why she was angry, something you so desperately need from her, and you turned it around and made that statement, it discredits her feelings.
DG,
The BEST way to decouple is this. When she is in a bad place, you direct ALL your interactions at the kids. Be friendly and playful with them - EVEN if you need to discipline them, do it in an upbeat way. But IGNORE her. She will quickly notice that all your positive energy is going to everyone BUT her.
And you may use this tactic whenever you wish. You can call a friend - and be happy/upbeat with them. And if she is in earshot - she will know what she is missing.
Don't be angry/cold with her. Just flat/neutral/polite. She may try to provoke you. Just give her a puzzled look - like WTF is wrong with you - and don't speak. Then go on about your day.
I'm sorry - got it wrong. You are doing too much and you are too warm.
Yes you are to clingy. Stop. I can't tell you how to stop and how to handle her disengagement. Be cool but sympathetic? Work out a list of her responsibilities.
If she has problems with it IC and parenting skills classes. A parent should be able to handle kids. If not get professional help.
I think one of your problems is that you don't consider carefully before shooting down a suggestion. LISTEN and consider, someone may be right and may actually help.
another cat for you.
Catherine...I apologize if I came across as discounting any of your suggestions. I AM listening.....except about loving the cat.
THANKS!
Grrrrrrr, ok, don't worry, I've been coming up with some ideas of my own....you like dogs right?
I'm a dog person myself but my wife has a cat she adores. I keep telling her how much I dislike her cat but when she isn't around the cat crawls into my lap and purrs while I give her some love. Shhhh, don't tell my wife though.
I'm a dog person myself but my wife has a cat she adores. I keep telling her how much I dislike her cat but when she isn't around the cat crawls into my lap and purrs while I give her some love. Shhhh, don't tell my wife though.
Now back to our regularly scheduled program.
I really don't hate the cat, as much as I let on. I don't particularly like it....but, in the past...I might have played with it, on ocassion. But...it's part of my character, to play like I despise it. So, I stick with it. I still would rather have a dog, though.
I really don't hate the cat, as much as I let on. I don't particularly like it....but, in the past...I might have played with it, on ocassion. But...it's part of my character, to play like I despise it. So, I stick with it. I still would rather have a dog, though.
Maybe you should buy a dog. A really big dog. A really really big dog. A really really big dog that loves cats. A really really big dog that loves (to eat) cats.
Maybe you should buy a dog. A really big dog. A really really big dog. A really really big dog that loves cats. A really really big dog that loves (to eat) cats.
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Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
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