Was it? In the how many weeks he had been doing it, she sent two emails thanking him? As she was still ignoring him? That does not sound like it is working. It sounds like she is doing just enough to keep him running in circles to do nice things for her.
Now that she is upset, she yanks it away so that he needs to "earn" her treating him well again. Any bets on whether he actually reaches that goal. I don't see a marriage, I see Sisyphus (the king in Greek mythology that had to roll the boulder up hill, only to watch it roll down every time he reached the top).
Dymo,
You are completely wrong. She has been honest with him:
- I don't love you
- you are crowding me
Now it is his turn to be honest: I don't trust you, and have reason not to. We cannot continue to live pay heck to paycheck so DW is out.
And he also needs to give her breathing room.
OTE=dymo;574283]It was working until she got that Iphone.
Posted via Mobile Device[/QUOTE]
There were signs of progress. Small, but years of resentment are not going to be erased in a matter of weeks.
The points you raise (do you love me, crowding, lack of trust) are valid points, and should be raised at a future MC.
The spying issue is something that can be nipped in the bud now. We know how her resentment can build in silence. In this instance she has reason. This is the one of the few times DG has had the chance to address it quickly instead of allowing her time to nurture these negative thoughts.
You are confusing an absence of love with the presence of resentment.
Note: if I don't love you, I act the way she has from day one of the honeymoon.
This is a classic case of one who loves and one who does not.
DG,
Prove me wrong. At MC get your W to list the things she likes/loves about you. And then the things she doesn't.
Being a good father doesn't count. That is always top of the list for the non loving spouse. Mainly an act of misdirection on their part.
QUOTE=dymo;574432]Posted via Mobile Device[/QUOTE]
There were signs of progress. Small, but years of resentment are not going to be erased in a matter of weeks.
The points you raise (do you love me, crowding, lack of trust) are valid points, and should be raised at a future MC.
The spying issue is something that can be nipped in the bud now. We know how her resentment can build in silence. In this instance she has reason. This is the one of the few times DG has had the chance to address it quickly instead of allowing her time to nurture these negative thoughts.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
There were signs of progress. Small, but years of resentment are not going to be erased in a matter of weeks.
The points you raise (do you love me, crowding, lack of trust) are valid points, and should be raised at a future MC.
The spying issue is something that can be nipped in the bud now. We know how her resentment can build in silence. In this instance she has reason. This is the one of the few times DG has had the chance to address it quickly instead of allowing her time to nurture these negative thoughts.
Why do her "resentments" trump the lack of trust that she has earned? She seems to want to avoid doing anything for DG, hiding behind not feeling it as well as this resentment to keep him working without giving him anything. She needs to do the lifting and recognize that she can't be resentful over something she caused. If she won't do that, what is the point of this whole thing.
You are confusing an absence of love with the presence of resentment.
The two can be related. Over enough time, the presence of resentment could lead to the absence of love.
I would agree with your theory if their relationship had been like this from the beginning. According to DG, they had an active sex life early on, which reduced after they became engaged, and was further reduced when they get married and eventually faded to nothing the more time they spent with each other. This is consistent with resentment building over time, depression or any number of other possibilities.
That doesn't mean your contention that she never loved him isn't worth exploring, but we can't jump to that conclusion.
Why do her "resentments" trump the lack of trust that she has earned? She seems to want to avoid doing anything for DG, hiding behind not feeling it as well as this resentment to keep him working without giving him anything. She needs to do the lifting and recognize that she can't be resentful over something she caused. If she won't do that, what is the point of this whole thing.
My wife and I watched it together. It's a very Christian oriented movie so if you both aren't religious you may not enjoy the Jesus and God references. We thought it was very good and showed how easily things can get out of hand in a marriage and how difficult but rewarding reconciliation can be. The scene I spoke of is when the husband is trying to do nice things for the wife but she chalks it up to ulterior motives and blows him off entirely.
Then that needs to be consistently applied. She (and you) can't demand an apology for this spying, but then backpedal to MC when it is noted that she earned that behavior from DG.
She is very clearly communicating (through words and deed) that she does not love him. It is unfortunate, but true. DG is trying to earn that love through this acts, which she very clearly does not appreciate. If she does not appreciate it, and is not willing to do any lifting to work on their marriage, then how is this working? How does it make sense to apology for an action she earned and go back to waiting on her going to do anything but cause more smoothering and disrespect?
Then that needs to be consistently applied. She (and you) can't demand an apology for this spying, but then backpedal to MC when it is noted that she earned that behavior from DG.
She is very clearly communicating (through words and deed) that she does not love him. It is unfortunate, but true. DG is trying to earn that love through this acts, which she very clearly does not appreciate. If she does not appreciate it, and is not willing to do any lifting to work on their marriage, then how is this working? How does it make sense to apology for an action she earned and go back to waiting on her going to do anything but cause more smoothering and disrespect?
This is what I struggle with (and thanks guys...for keeping the conversation going, while I was gone...lol). She has earned my distrust.....and has NOT been transparent. I did snoop...but have since decided it wasn't good for my health. By the way...I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow....I guess I'll go the meds route. That beats the beer/cigarettes (I'm only a bar smoker...but lately it's been more)...I've been using to dull my emotions. But, certainly the snooping should be expected. I mean..she DID admit to inappropriate emails with this other guy. And there ARE other red flags. Regardless...the snooping stopped weeks ago.
But the short of it.....she apparently has fostered resentment toward me, as she feels I wasn't x-y-z towards her. So...now I'm trying to do x-y-z. But, it is hard...given her "over the top texts" comment as a result of my "I love you" text. She is NOT doing any heavy lifting...and I feel all the "changes" fall on ME. I will only do this for so long, before I feel disillusioned. She has been nicer, and more fun to be around. Which, of course, gets my hopes up. I DO love the girl. Anyway...I'm hoping the IC will help me with MY issues (which I'm sure revolve around abandonment issues, and maybe co-dependency)...so I can make the RIGHT decisions, outside of emotional responses. It's sad. I want so much more, and am willing to work for more. Emotionally, though...I'm starting from such a deficit...I'm straining to look up to what most people consider rock bottom. I have no idea how I got to this point. Death by a thousand cuts, I guess.
Then that needs to be consistently applied. She (and you) can't demand an apology for this spying, but then backpedal to MC when it is noted that she earned that behavior from DG.
She is very clearly communicating (through words and deed) that she does not love him. It is unfortunate, but true. DG is trying to earn that love through this acts, which she very clearly does not appreciate. If she does not appreciate it, and is not willing to do any lifting to work on their marriage, then how is this working? How does it make sense to apology for an action she earned and go back to waiting on her going to do anything but cause more smoothering and disrespect?
I don't see the need to apply any rigid consistency. It's a matter of using the right tool for the job. If MC is best way to move something forward, then you use MC. If you weigh your options and decide an alternative approach is better, then that's what you do.
Perhaps I should have instead said that it's something that needs to be discussed further.
As for the rest of your post, I agree with you. That is something that needs to be discussed further.
This is what I struggle with (and thanks guys...for keeping the conversation going, while I was gone...lol). She has earned my distrust.....and has NOT been transparent. I did snoop...but have since decided it wasn't good for my health. By the way...I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow....I guess I'll go the meds route. That beats the beer/cigarettes (I'm only a bar smoker...but lately it's been more)...I've been using to dull my emotions. But, certainly the snooping should be expected. I mean..she DID admit to inappropriate emails with this other guy. And there ARE other red flags. Regardless...the snooping stopped weeks ago.
But the short of it.....she apparently has fostered resentment toward me, as she feels I wasn't x-y-z towards her. So...now I'm trying to do x-y-z. But, it is hard...given her "over the top texts" comment as a result of my "I love you" text. She is NOT doing any heavy lifting...and I feel all the "changes" fall on ME. I will only do this for so long, before I feel disillusioned. She has been nicer, and more fun to be around. Which, of course, gets my hopes up. I DO love the girl. Anyway...I'm hoping the IC will help me with MY issues (which I'm sure revolve around abandonment issues, and maybe co-dependency)...so I can make the RIGHT decisions, outside of emotional responses. It's sad. I want so much more, and am willing to work for more. Emotionally, though...I'm starting from such a deficit...I'm straining to look up to what most people consider rock bottom. I have no idea how I got to this point. Death by a thousand cuts, I guess.
Or death by smoking, quit that stuff out. I can say that now that I quit lol
This is what I struggle with (and thanks guys...for keeping the conversation going, while I was gone...lol). She has earned my distrust.....and has NOT been transparent. I did snoop...but have since decided it wasn't good for my health. By the way...I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow....I guess I'll go the meds route. That beats the beer/cigarettes (I'm only a bar smoker...but lately it's been more)...I've been using to dull my emotions. But, certainly the snooping should be expected. I mean..she DID admit to inappropriate emails with this other guy. And there ARE other red flags. Regardless...the snooping stopped weeks ago.
But the short of it.....she apparently has fostered resentment toward me, as she feels I wasn't x-y-z towards her. So...now I'm trying to do x-y-z. But, it is hard...given her "over the top texts" comment as a result of my "I love you" text. She is NOT doing any heavy lifting...and I feel all the "changes" fall on ME. I will only do this for so long, before I feel disillusioned. She has been nicer, and more fun to be around. Which, of course, gets my hopes up. I DO love the girl. Anyway...I'm hoping the IC will help me with MY issues (which I'm sure revolve around abandonment issues, and maybe co-dependency)...so I can make the RIGHT decisions, outside of emotional responses. It's sad. I want so much more, and am willing to work for more. Emotionally, though...I'm starting from such a deficit...I'm straining to look up to what most people consider rock bottom. I have no idea how I got to this point. Death by a thousand cuts, I guess.
There are a few advantages to pulling back or turning your thermostat down:
1. Avoid smoothering her.
2. Give her a bit of space to do some lifting. If you do it all, or she perceives you are doing it all, she gets into the habit of not doing anything. No different from laundry. If you do it all, she has not reason to even try to do it.
3. It helps your mental health. Right now, I see you doing things and then hoping that she will respond in the right way. Doing less of that lessens your pain abit. It also allows you to make changes for you, and not because you want something from her. This is a healthy way to change, and one that you can do to minimize the issue of ulterior motives.
Tall,
You are spot on here. 100 percent agree with your post.
DG,
You believe that by these extra/optional acts of service - making breakfast - you are conveying "ILY". Instead what your W hears is "Do YOU love me"? This is why she is irritated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy
There are a few advantages to pulling back or turning your thermostat down:
1. Avoid smoothering her.
2. Give her a bit of space to do some lifting. If you do it all, or she perceives you are doing it all, she gets into the habit of not doing anything. No different from laundry. If you do it all, she has not reason to even try to do it.
3. It helps your mental health. Right now, I see you doing things and then hoping that she will respond in the right way. Doing less of that lessens your pain abit. It also allows you to make changes for you, and not because you want something from her. This is a healthy way to change, and one that you can do to minimize the issue of ulterior motives.
180Likes
Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
