How is it going Daily? How was Valentines Day? Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks for asking, tennisstar. I haven't posted for a while, cause I've been trying to figure out where things are. W is SOOOOO very hard to read.
Mid, last week....I decided to go buy myself some new jeans. I've lost over 20 lbs, and most of my existing jeans are baggy. Plus....over the past few years, I've tended to buy the "relaxed-fit" jeans, anyway. So...I thought I'd try on some new straight cut. Damn...I'm down to a 34" waist....and the straight-cut jeans looked pretty good on me. Needless to say, I bought a couple pairs. Caught W checking me out in them, that night. She asked me if I'd been working out regularly, cause it was obvious I've lost weight.
So...here's the weird part. Just prior to me discovering the EA...she was working out, like a fiend. Getting up, to get to the gym by 6:00....paid for 3-4 personal trainer sessions....definitely motivated. Right after D-day...the personal trainer sessions stopped. And then a couple weeks later.....no more working out at all. She hasn't been to the gym (by herself) for nearly 3 months. She HAS gone twice with me....but....definitely not motivated, any more. Since D-Day....I've lost over 20 lbs. She's gained 5, according to her.
Last weekend, I took her into the city....to Little Italy. We went to a nice Italian restaurant, then went to a bar for drinks. Later, we visited a nice Italian pastry shop, for some cannoli, and other treats to take home. We had a very nice time. Nothing happened, in the physical department...but we DID have fun. The next day, I texted her (while she was shopping) that I was thinking about her, and had a nice time. Once again...she didn't answer....until Tuesday (Valentines Day.) I had sent her cholcolate-covered strawberries for Valentines Day. She finally saw my Sunday text (she says) and responded she too had a good time. Then she thanked me for the treats. I also had gotten up early, to make her a breakfast sandwhich. We didn't see each other Valentines night...as I have pool league on Tuesdays. I took her, and our girls to dinner last night. Unfortunately, DD2 was REALLY acting up...so it wasn't all that much fun.
Yesterday afternoon we had our most recent MC. I'm really wondering if this is doing anything. I brought up that I though we should bring out some of W's issues with me (the things that she has been harboring.) W agreed to do so...but then all she would discuss was that she really hates when I discuss stressful work things with her. (understand that this MIGHT be only a couple times a month.) I'm like....REALLY???!!!! THIS is one of you top ten issues with me? THIS is what made you pull away from me? THIS is something we need to really work on?? I couldn't believe the MC latched onto THIS..and spent 20 minutes following this red herring. So...we never really talked about anything substantial. W did acknowledge she was depressed...but MC only casually tossed out that she might think about seeing an IC....and then dropped it. I would think THAT would be worth pursuing, a whole lot more than stressful work discussions. I brought up that I felt things were better...but that I felt I was doing all the work. THAT might have been pursued...but wasn't. And...when MC asked her to tell me where SHE was with the relationship. She just clammed up again. Couldn't say. W did bring up that things seemed better, but there was a WHOLE LOT more work to go.
So...here's the thing. We've had a handful of very nice dates, over the past 5 weeks. I send her a nice Valentines. She stops, on the way home, to get something for the kids. So...when I get home.....do you think she'd have gotten ME something? I mean...even if she forgot, or wasn't sure what to do beforehand....once she got something from me....wouldn't you think she'd at least get me SOME token? Nope...nothing. It is so clear....her taker is in charge. And I'm really fighting to keep mine at bay. But...all this lack of ANYTHING from her, is really making it hard. In MC..we are supposed to give each other acknowledgements. She struggles.....REALLY? Took you out on the town, send you a nice Valentines, keep making you nice breakfasts for your commute to work, etc....and you STRUGGLE? I struggle...cause.....frankly....she isn't doin ANYTHING. She does the grocery shopping.....so ......I keep acknowledging that. {sigh}
I take it the Icloud stuff was never discussed? In MC or otherwise?
I wonder if, in her mind, the "ask about work" issue in MC was brought to he forefront by seeing the pictures you took from her lunch bag. Not the most straightforward of links, but maybe.
I know I previously said you should apologise, but if you done feel you owe one, then you shouldn't. Still, it needs to be discussed. Posted via Mobile Device
I take it the Icloud stuff was never discussed? In MC or otherwise?
I wonder if, in her mind, the "ask about work" issue in MC was brought to he forefront by seeing the pictures you took from her lunch bag. Not the most straightforward of links, but maybe.
I know I previously said you should apologise, but if you done feel you owe one, then you shouldn't. Still, it needs to be discussed. Posted via Mobile Device
No..it wasn't discussed. The thing is, the actual snooping occured early January. The iPhone came around the end of January. I had already sworn off the snooping. But....unfortunately, the iCloud loads up the photos taken over the past month....so it snagged those snooping picks. I'll apologize, some day. Maybe even the same day she apologizes for her EA.
She just doesn't seem to be making any effort. Sounds like the working out was for the OM not you (since she has stopped). Do you think you should ask her again if she wants to be married? She just really isn't trying. Posted via Mobile Device
No..it wasn't discussed. The thing is, the actual snooping occured early January. The iPhone came around the end of January. I had already sworn off the snooping. But....unfortunately, the iCloud loads up the photos taken over the past month....so it snagged those snooping picks. I'll apologize, some day. Maybe even the same day she apologizes for her EA.
In the meantime, it becomes a fresh resentment growing within her.
As I said, if you don't want to apologize at this point, don't. But it still needs to be discussed. Maybe in MC it could also be used as a jumping off point to further discuss the EA.
Can I ask why you are still making all of this effort? She clearly does not care if you do, so why not back off.
I still think you are smothering her and giving her an excuse not to do anything. I also think there is too much "implied contract" in your expectations. You do nice things for her and expect her to do the same for you. When she does not, you get upset. Would not be surprised if she sees right through this (even if at subconscious level) and it is keeping her away. Do less for her, and when you do it, expect absolutely nothing in return.
As much as I was dying to see a Happy Ending to this, I think you're just spinning your wheels. No Valentine's for you is just down right crappy, I'm sorry but it just is. She isn't doing anything at all.
It sounds like the MC dictates what is being talked about, do you have no say in this? If you want to talk more about doing all the work while she does nothing, tell the MC that's what you want to talk about the next time, period. You hired the MC, not the other way around.
just my .02
1. on the sleep apnea.......GET IT FIXED. I speak from experience. I had my tonsils out, my adnoids out, and my uvula clipped. It was NIGHT AND DAY DIFFERENCE, for me, and my wife. I won't lie, its pure Hell, and pain for about a week, but i would do it again in a heart beat.
2. It seems to me, you are trying to hard! When I found out my wife was having an affair I was the soft, pushover guy. I hate myself now for that. It took me a while, but I finally embraced we were getting divorced. I accepted it, and decided i was done trying to fix something if she didn't want it. After that It was like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. I started having fun (without her) I included my son in almost everything I did. She was finally ALONE, and had nothing to do but think! The fact that she saw me without her, having a good time somehow made her relize what she had done, and what she was missing. 3 weeks later she cut off all contact with OM, did a complete 180, and started putting an honest effort into making our marriage work.
Things are much better then they have been in a long time. I still have triggers, but I'm working hard at getting past them.
Good luck, but remember at the end of the day, you need to focus on yourself at some point.
just my .02
1. on the sleep apnea.......GET IT FIXED. I speak from experience. I had my tonsils out, my adnoids out, and my uvula clipped. It was NIGHT AND DAY DIFFERENCE, for me, and my wife. I won't lie, its pure Hell, and pain for about a week, but i would do it again in a heart beat.
2. It seems to me, you are trying to hard! When I found out my wife was having an affair I was the soft, pushover guy. I hate myself now for that. It took me a while, but I finally embraced we were getting divorced. I accepted it, and decided i was done trying to fix something if she didn't want it. After that It was like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. I started having fun (without her) I included my son in almost everything I did. She was finally ALONE, and had nothing to do but think! The fact that she saw me without her, having a good time somehow made her relize what she had done, and what she was missing. 3 weeks later she cut off all contact with OM, did a complete 180, and started putting an honest effort into making our marriage work.
Things are much better then they have been in a long time. I still have triggers, but I'm working hard at getting past them.
Good luck, but remember at the end of the day, you need to focus on yourself at some point.
That's usually how it works. Congrats on the great progress cf
Thank you. I must also say that I have always been close with my son, but my bond is MUCH greater now. He's only 10 and was going through a range of emotions, when we told him we were divorcing. I held myself together for him. I leaned on him, more then he did me. Kids are amazing. I took that (and to a point my wife) for granted.
DG, I rooting for you. Keep a level head, and step back once in awhile, and try to look at things from a different prespective.
From your posts, there is no doubt you want to fix this so badly! You can only do so much. When i reconciled, at first I laughed in her face! told he she was nuts. I had done a complete 180, and bottled up so much resentment, anger, and bitterness, humility, etc that i swore I would never go back to that place again. Over the weeks, I watched her continue to try, thats when I started listening to what she was saying. I love her, and would always do anything for her, so in the end I think we made the right decesion. But the thoughts are always there, I think they are pretty normal. In my case my wife is constantly doing things to ease my fears. She is in constant contact with me (she is a stay at home mom, going to school) so I get daily texts telling me what she is doing, and where she is going. I don't ask her to, but I think she does it, cuase she knows I am wondering.
Can I ask why you are still making all of this effort? She clearly does not care if you do, so why not back off.
I still think you are smothering her and giving her an excuse not to do anything. I also think there is too much "implied contract" in your expectations. You do nice things for her and expect her to do the same for you. When she does not, you get upset. Would not be surprised if she sees right through this (even if at subconscious level) and it is keeping her away. Do less for her, and when you do it, expect absolutely nothing in return.
I think its time for you to look things in a different perspective.
Read your thread from a different view, read it as if it was writtern by someone else.
First....I want to thank everyone who continues to monitor this thread. I truly appreciate everyone's input.
As to why I am trying.....because for two years I didn't..and we just drifted further apart. I was uncounsiously doing the 180...and she never waivered in her distance from me...other than to get further away. So...NOW...I'm trying to be the best father/husband I can be. I can't, in all conscious, leave this marriage knowing I didn't try my best first. I don't really think I'm smothering her...just trying to be somewhat loving, albeit...unrequited.
What bothers me is that she just seems to be in her own little world...and not even looking at ours, unless I initiate. The MC asked her, yesterday, what is going on in her head...about "us." Her response was that she doesn't even really have time to think about it. She doesn't have time to herself to collect her thoughts. I'm thinking....huh??!! It's ALL I'm thinking about....she can't even give it ONE thought?
I'm giving this about one more month, I think, before I throw in the towel. I just can't fathom how someone can be so self-centered, and selfish. She emailed me about 3 hours ago, with a spreadsheet whe was working on..and needed help how to do something. I quickly added some formulas and nice functionality...and sent it back to her. 3 hours later...no thank you, no acknowledgement...nothing. ?? So...I'm trying to think of a semi-snide way of emailing her that "Thank You's" are a nice way to show appreciations....you know.....those things you couldn't think of at our MC session!
I'm giving this about one more month, I think, before I throw in the towel. I just can't fathom how someone can be so self-centered, and selfish. She emailed me about 3 hours ago, with a spreadsheet whe was working on..and needed help how to do something. I quickly added some formulas and nice functionality...and sent it back to her. 3 hours later...no thank you, no acknowledgement...nothing. ?? So...I'm trying to think of a semi-snide way of emailing her that "Thank You's" are a nice way to show appreciations....you know.....those things you couldn't think of at our MC session!
I apologize if this is harsh, but you keep making the same mistake over and over.
Your problem is that you are doing them not for her, but so that she will give you something back. It is actually a selfish act on your part. You are not giving because you love her. You are giving because you love the feeling when she give back. You are trying to create a contract, where you do something and she reciprocates. It is like a little kid doing something to get their parents approval.
Your last few posts focus on the wonderful things you are doing and why should you do them because she is not acknowledging those things. This tells me that you are doing them because you want something from her. In essence, it comes across like you are buying her attention and affection.
Stop it now. Quit doing something with the expectation that you will get anything. Grow up in your thinking and do it because that is what an adult does. Do it because it is what a man does. Don't expect anything in return. See how she reacts then.
I apologize if this is harsh, but you keep making the same mistake over and over.
Your problem is that you are doing them not for her, but so that she will give you something back. It is actually a selfish act on your part. You are not giving because you love her. You are giving because you love the feeling when she give back. You are trying to create a contract, where you do something and she reciprocates. It is like a little kid doing something to get their parents approval.
Your last few posts focus on the wonderful things you are doing and why should you do them because she is not acknowledging those things. This tells me that you are doing them because you want something from her. In essence, it comes across like you are buying her attention and affection.
Stop it now. Quit doing something with the expectation that you will get anything. Grow up in your thinking and do it because that is what an adult does. Do it because it is what a man does. Don't expect anything in return. See how she reacts then.
We all like to be appreciated. I don't do them FOR the appreciation. But, the glaring absence of it is what is causing me to scratch my head. So....what am I supposed to do? I also typically hold doors open for people, as a courtesy. I don't do it FOR the thank you......but when they DON'T thank me...I notice. It is simply courtesy. As a human being...I expect to be treated with dignity, and courtesy. That's all I'm saying.
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Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
She asked me if I'd been working out regularly, cause it was obvious I've lost weight.
