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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-01-2012, 07:19 PM   #1126 (permalink)
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Sitting at a bar close to home. Just can't muster the energy to go home. Damn...I felt stronger earlier...what happened???!!
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Old 03-01-2012, 07:47 PM   #1127 (permalink)
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You've let your emotions push yopu into a corner. You really need to think before you talk. It seems like you just can't help yourself.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:03 PM   #1128 (permalink)
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You've let your emotions push yopu into a corner. You really need to think before you talk. It seems like you just can't help yourself.
So...what should I be doing? I'm lost here.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:09 PM   #1129 (permalink)
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Don't talk to her.

Talk through your lawyer.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:15 PM   #1130 (permalink)
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Don't talk to her.

Talk through your lawyer.
I think she has to fear losing you before she will come around. It's a gamble, but if she doesn't choose you, you never stood a chance in the first place. Best of luck to you, stick up for YOU and your kids!
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:17 PM   #1131 (permalink)
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Its taken a long time to get where you are. Its going to take a long time to get where you want to be.

I've seen several positive signs. For one if she was in an EA she did not show any withdrawal symptoms when she stopped "seeing" him. You haven't been able to find any real evidence of an affair.

She thinks she has made progress and cares for her family. She wants to take a family vacation, she wants to go to Barcelona with you and your answer is to attack her at MC.

I don't think either of you can communicate at this point. She's afraid to talk to you and you seem to be able to push her away with out really trying. Then ,in effect, you get pissed and tell her you want a separation, get out.

Tell her you don't think a separation is a good idea unless she wants a divorce. Tell her you don't see the MC is working and you want to try a different one. Tell her she and your family means everything to you and you want to work with her.

Sitting in a bar is just going to remind her when you used to do that a lot and came home late.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:21 PM   #1132 (permalink)
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I think she has to fear losing you before she will come around. It's a gamble, but if she doesn't choose you, you never stood a chance in the first place. Best of luck to you, stick up for YOU and your kids!
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yeah....my logical self is in complete agreement. My emotional self says 'look at those beautiful kids, sleeping in those beds...completely oblivious of what is coming down the pike...and you KNOW they will blame ME.' {sigh}
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:23 PM   #1133 (permalink)
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Its taken a long time to get where you are. Its going to take a long time to get where you want to be.

I've seen several positive signs. For one if she was in an EA she did not show any withdrawal symptoms when she stopped "seeing" him. You haven't been able to find any real evidence of an affair.

She thinks she has made progress and cares for her family. She wants to take a family vacation, she wants to go to Barcelona with you and your answer is to attack her at MC.

I don't think either of you can communicate at this point. She's afraid to talk to you and you seem to be able to push her away with out really trying. Then ,in effect, you get pissed and tell her you want a separation, get out.

Tell her you don't think a separation is a good idea unless she wants a divorce. Tell her you don't see the MC is working and you want to try a different one. Tell her she and your family means everything to you and you want to work with her.

Sitting in a bar is just going to remind her when you used to do that a lot and came home late.
But...I didn't tell her I wanted a separation. I asked her if SHE wanted one....and she said yes.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:26 PM   #1134 (permalink)
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yeah....my logical self is in complete agreement. My emotional self says 'look at those beautiful kids, sleeping in those beds...completely oblivious of what is coming down the pike...and you KNOW they will blame ME.' {sigh}
If you're not ready don't do it. You are ready for divorce when being with her hurts more than being alone. Instead tell her tonight. I need x y and z from you, can you try.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:31 PM   #1135 (permalink)
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If you're not ready don't do it. You are ready for divorce when being with her hurts more than being alone. Instead tell her tonight. I need x y and z from you, can you try.
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Alas....she went to bed early...no talking tonight. As to the hurt....it hurts REAL bad being with her. No telling if is is worse than being alone. I've not been alone in 15 years. I think if it were "alone" with my kids full time...I could deal with that. But the thoughts of the financial hit, and possibly part time with the kids.....THAT might be worse than the hurt WITH her. I just don't know. I was so resolute earlier. I hate sounding weak....DAMN.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:33 PM   #1136 (permalink)
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But...I didn't tell her I wanted a separation. I asked her if SHE wanted one....and she said yes.


..'Do you want a separation?' She didn't respond...so I emailed her work email that I sent her a text. Still no response.

However you want to look at it, you are pushing her into it. A few days ago she was excited about a trip to Barcelona and now she has been ordered to get an apartment.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:38 PM   #1137 (permalink)
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..'Do you want a separation?' She didn't respond...so I emailed her work email that I sent her a text. Still no response.

However you want to look at it, you are pushing her into it. A few days ago she was excited about a trip to Barcelona and now she has been ordered to get an apartment.
I guess...out of context...I can see what you are saying. But you would have had to see her last night in MC. She seemed so emotional, like she was so conflicted about us...which is why I asked if she wanted a divorce. Her response was so tentative...it just seemed obvious she almost didn't want to say it. It just seemed to me she was so on the fence...but I couldn't figure out why. I occured to me, as i thought on it...she seemed like she wanted out...but didn't want to say it. That's why I asked her about a separation.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:46 PM   #1138 (permalink)
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Daily you dont have to do anything now. What is the rush. I have been following your thread and it seems that you are not ready to do anything yet.

If you make a decision under artificial pressure then you may have lingering doubts. You want to be absolutely sure before taking any final steps. Dont force it. You need a watershed event that will convince you in no uncertain terms, that you know what you want. The confusion will lift and you will be action.

Just a comment about deadlines. Your wife should have been working her butt off from the moment you gave her that deadline. By now things should be humming along if she were interested. She will not suddenly become a loving affectionate wife at 12AM on March 15th.

I think you know your marriage is no longer viable but you are not ready to let go. Wait until you are ready, it will come and when it does you will be able to turn away from her and not look back.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:48 PM   #1139 (permalink)
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I guess...out of context...I can see what you are saying. But you would have had to see her last night in MC. She seemed so emotional, like she was so conflicted about us...which is why I asked if she wanted a divorce. Her response was so tentative...it just seemed obvious she almost didn't want to say it. It just seemed to me she was so on the fence...but I couldn't figure out why. I occured to me, as i thought on it...she seemed like she wanted out...but didn't want to say it. That's why I asked her about a separation.
Its because you keep pushing. You have no patience. Go back and read your threads. The two things that are obvious are anger and a lack of patience/insight. Your wife no longer trusts you to do the right thing. Ask her if thats not true, but only if you can accept her answer whatever it is without arguing her answer.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:54 PM   #1140 (permalink)
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Daily you dont have to do anything now. What is the rush. I have been following your tgread and it seems that you are not ready to do anything yet.

If you make a decision under artificial pressure then you may have lingering doubts. You want to be absolutely sure before taking any final steps. Dont force it. You need a watershed event that will convince you in no uncertain terms, that you know what you want. The confusion will lift and you will be action.

Just a comment about deadlines. Your wife should have been working her butt off from the moment you gave her that deadline. By now things should be humming along if she were interested. She will not suddenly become a loving affectionate wife at 12AM on March 15th.

I think you know your marriage is no longer viable but you are not ready to let go. Wait until you are ready, it will come and when it does you will be able to turn away from her and not look back.
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Thanks Catherine. In the meantime...I assume the hard 180 is called for. How is that done while living under the same roof?
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