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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-02-2012, 10:49 AM   #1156 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by NotLikeYou View Post
A guy went out bear hunting one day. He saw a bear and shot it. It was a perfect shot in the head. He walked over to retrieve the dead bear and it wasn't there on the ground. He was wondering where it went. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked back and it was the bear. The bear said, "Grab your ankles."

So the hunter did and the bear started ramming him up the ass.

The next day, the hunter went back out hunting with a bigger gun. He thought, "I am going to get that damn bear this time!"
He saw the bear, shot him twice, then he noticed the bear was again not on the ground when he tried to retrieve it.
He got another tap on the shoulder. You guessed it, the bear again, saying, "Grab your ankles."

He rammed the guy up the ass again.

The next day the guy went out again, this time he had a 50 caliber machine gun with Armor piercing, explosive tip rounds.
He saw the bear and went crazy on him and filled him full of lead!
Then he got another tap on the shoulder. He looked back and saw the bear.

The bear said, "You know, "I'm beginning to think that you're not really coming out here to hunt!"

DG, you don't really come here for the advice, do you.

/facepalm
Yes...I do. But I also get some conflicting advice. Some say go nuclear...some say I'm too hard. Some say I pushed it in MC...other's say I didn't say enough. I was too harsh with asking her about separation...but then get applauds for telling her to find an apartment. Head is spinning. Besides...she was showing possible progress. But when she could only come up with "I don't know" in MC....I realized she really wasn't. She was being nicer...but it didn't mean anything.

I realize....it seems she just doesn't want to be the bad guy, and call this time of death. I know (in my head) I need to .....but also...that makes me the bad guy to my kids. It is just hard.
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:04 PM   #1157 (permalink)
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Is daily supposed to wait forever for his fragile wife is come around??

I think he's doing his best in this situation and he's right, everyone is giving him conflicting advice. He can't be expected to live in limbo land forever! And I agree with him. MC is a waste if his money. His wife doesn't even make an effort to arrive on time. Right there, she's saying working out the marriage isn't important to her. She also didn't even wait up to talk about a possible separation. Again, that shows she isn't that bothered by the marriage ending!
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:17 PM   #1158 (permalink)
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Yes...I do. But I also get some conflicting advice. Some say go nuclear...some say I'm too hard. Some say I pushed it in MC...other's say I didn't say enough. I was too harsh with asking her about separation...but then get applauds for telling her to find an apartment. Head is spinning. Besides...she was showing possible progress. But when she could only come up with "I don't know" in MC....I realized she really wasn't. She was being nicer...but it didn't mean anything.

I realize....it seems she just doesn't want to be the bad guy, and call this time of death. I know (in my head) I need to .....but also...that makes me the bad guy to my kids. It is just hard.
Have you thought of getting some advice elsewhere? From people in your life who you know and trust, and who know the both of you?

Frankly, you're at a precarious stage. You may want to cast the net wide for different perspectives. Huge life decisions should not rely solely on the fickle opinions of internet strangers.

I'll add my opinion, of course. And as with every other post, you need to figure out for yourself what to do with it.

Frankly, there was no way that you were going to have this sorted by March. The fact that she had started being friendly was progress, no matter how much you and other posters may have downplayed it's significance. She had warmed up in a few months after being cold for two years. It's not nearly enough, but it was something.

That said, you had every right to push for more in counselling. It is something, but you need more.

What I'm weary of is how you may be escalating this much more quickly than is necessary. Unless I missed something, this marriage counselling session is the first time this year that you have made any indication that her actions were not enough. You have already essentially told her to move out. She never had time to process the bomb dropped on her in MC and figure out what she would do.

Some people have pushed for a quick solution. Some ultimatum that forces her hand, or just moving for divorce. Either way, I don't think your marriage would survive. I think if you are to have any hope of achieving the marriage that you want, you need to play the long game. That might mean less drama for readers, but a little more stability for the two of you to build something if this can be salvaged.

Whether you are up to it is of course a matter for you. For all I know, you may be too emotionally frazzled to stick with this marriage for too much longer. In that case, the quick path might be best.
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:39 PM   #1159 (permalink)
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DG after a lot of reading in this thread a really think that y have to proove your wife that y r a real man. Please stand up and stop doing circles around her like a puppy. Perhaps that's what she is looking for.
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:56 PM   #1160 (permalink)
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What I'm weary of is how you may be escalating this much more quickly than is necessary. Unless I missed something, this marriage counselling session is the first time this year that you have made any indication that her actions were not enough. You have already essentially told her to move out. She never had time to process the bomb dropped on her in MC and figure out what she would do.
Well...in my mind, I thought I was making the point that if she wanted separation....I sure as hell was not moving out. But...yes...I agree it probably was a bomb. On the other hand....I've been getting carpet bombed for the past two years...so....Your point below is also valid....I am VERY frazzled. Emotions are all over the place. Gut, heart and head are duking it out.

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For all I know, you may be too emotionally frazzled to stick with this marriage for too much longer. In that case, the quick path might be best.
Thanks...this seemed like a very insightful post!
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Old 03-02-2012, 03:08 PM   #1161 (permalink)
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DG -Ive read this post from the beginning and can see some parallels in my own situation but i have to admit your story is more extreme in the lack of sex department. I relate my story because it may shed more light on your wife's behaviour, but i do have to admit we have gone through periods of good passionate sex, especially when we go on holiday, so im not sure what's up with your wife given these issues have been there from the honeymoon.

I started both IC and MC 3 years ago. Pathological insecurity and a belief my wife had been unfaithful drove me to therapy. I used to see myself as a devoted and loving husband. I gave my wife an amazing materialistic life style. When we first started MC my wife just sat there and said nothing, she just would not engage and said everything was fine and I was the one with all the issues. MC was slowed down for me to concentrate on my IC.

In therapy i discovered i was highly co-dependent and had been manipulative, passive aggressive, critical, using sex to make me feel secure and a whole bunch of other behaviours that had ground her down over 23 years of marriage. She had built up huge resentments that I was totally unaware of.

I worked hard on changing my behaviours but a lifetime's bad habits dont get changed in a few months, they take much longer to get rid of.

After 18 months of what i felt i was doing all the heavy lifting and some more MC i felt things were moving just so darned slow. I got fed up and a year ago ,2 weeks after her father died i started embarking on an EA. This turned into full blown limerence and i think precipitated a mid life meltdown. I confessed to SO after 2 weeks and she was devestated. BUT it was the kick she finally needed to realsie that i could one day leave her. she said "i never thought you would want to leave me"

From that day, as painful as it was, she committed 110% to MC, started her own IC and things are the best they have been.

Ive just finished Dr. Phil's book on relationship Rescue. He starts by saying get your own house in order before you work on your relationship. you can only be responsible for your own work.

I wonder if you have similar issues to me such as co-dependency? It does feel that way. The way you idolise your wife. the way you use her to bolster your own self esteem. If you can find a way of focussing on your own work in IC and let your relationship find its own way then things may improve. If they dont, then at least you are starting on the road of becoming more emotionally resilient and learning to meet your own needs. Its a long slow painful journey and I wish you much luck.
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Old 03-02-2012, 03:14 PM   #1162 (permalink)
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DG -Ive read this post from the beginning and can see some parallels in my own situation but i have to admit your story is more extreme in the lack of sex department. I relate my story because it may shed more light on your wife's behaviour, but i do have to admit we have gone through periods of good passionate sex, especially when we go on holiday, so im not sure what's up with your wife given these issues have been there from the honeymoon.

I started both IC and MC 3 years ago. Pathological insecurity and a belief my wife had been unfaithful drove me to therapy. I used to see myself as a devoted and loving husband. I gave my wife an amazing materialistic life style. When we first started MC my wife just sat there and said nothing, she just would not engage and said everything was fine and I was the one with all the issues. MC was slowed down for me to concentrate on my IC.

In therapy i discovered i was highly co-dependent and had been manipulative, passive aggressive, critical, using sex to make me feel secure and a whole bunch of other behaviours that had ground her down over 23 years of marriage. She had built up huge resentments that I was totally unaware of.

I worked hard on changing my behaviours but a lifetime's bad habits dont get changed in a few months, they take much longer to get rid of.

After 18 months of what i felt i was doing all the heavy lifting and some more MC i felt things were moving just so darned slow. I got fed up and a year ago ,2 weeks after her father died i started embarking on an EA. This turned into full blown limerence and i think precipitated a mid life meltdown. I confessed to SO after 2 weeks and she was devestated. BUT it was the kick she finally needed to realsie that i could one day leave her. she said "i never thought you would want to leave me"

From that day, as painful as it was, she committed 110% to MC, started her own IC and things are the best they have been.

Ive just finished Dr. Phil's book on relationship Rescue. He starts by saying get your own house in order before you work on your relationship. you can only be responsible for your own work.

I wonder if you have similar issues to me such as co-dependency? It does feel that way. The way you idolise your wife. the way you use her to bolster your own self esteem. If you can find a way of focussing on your own work in IC and let your relationship find its own way then things may improve. If they dont, then at least you are starting on the road of becoming more emotionally resilient and learning to meet your own needs. Its a long slow painful journey and I wish you much luck.
Great post, UCanTalk. Glad to hear things are going better for you. I assume you are not advocating I start an EA...right?

Co-dependence.....yeah...that is possible. I am in IC now...but just had my 3rd session yesterday. So far, it has been more focused on my history....and then yesterday on the M. I think she is saving the meatier things for when my Celexapro kicks in better. I agree with your approach to work on self first. I'm trying man.....I'm trying.

Thanks for the well wishes, and pep talk!
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Old 03-02-2012, 03:35 PM   #1163 (permalink)
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Great post, UCanTalk. Glad to hear things are going better for you. I assume you are not advocating I start an EA...right?
LOL

Depends how much time and money you have. I had many life changing lessons from my limerence and still do, the biggest being a much needed spiritual awakening. I'm also far more empathetic to people who are in the "fog" . I know what its like and it is an addiction. Nothing shakes it apart from NC, time and realising like all addictions its a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with our own deep internal wounds. We need to learn to love ourselves and respect ourselves as no one else can do this for us.

But one of the down sides was life ground to a halt for me for the best part of a year. I gave up functioning. Had I been employed I would have lost my job. I was lucky I run my own business but that still suffered BIG time.

My wife rarely spoke of her deep love for me, she internalised all her s**t. On disclosure she said no way was some other woman going to get me after her waiting around for 24 years and seeing how much I was starting to change back into the man she first met. That made me know she did love me. I wasn't so sure before. As she rightly says, no amount of love was going to fill the gaping hole inside me and i had been sucking her dry of love all these years.

Its taken a lot of therapy and group therapy for me to start seeing her POV. I still have a way to go though. But i did have a very f**ked up dysfunctional family of origin. Way more f**ked up then I ever realised.
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Old 03-02-2012, 03:51 PM   #1164 (permalink)
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We are all rooting for you and your family, unbelievably so. Patience is what you need now. You started meds and IC give it time to work. Actions speak louder than words for you both. Your wife has made more progress more quickly than I thought she would. Do not throw it all away by being over anxious. Be strong and manly. When in doubt or emotional stay quiet and reflect.
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Old 03-02-2012, 05:47 PM   #1165 (permalink)
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Following your thread from the beginning:I dont think your the type to "cut-and-run". You sound like a person that strives to overcome challenges and setbacks. Keep trying.

From your description, it sounds like she has some depression. Depression is more than walking around catatonic. It shows itself in many different ways. I think she is broke and lost inside. She probably doesnt feel safe to express herself in MC.

Sit her down, tell her you dont want to separate, you want to have a full and meaningful relationship with her. Hug her even if she doesnt initiate it or return it. You two are horrible communicators. Do something to compensate for it.

"Mr Daily Grind- tear down that wall"
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Old 03-02-2012, 05:52 PM   #1166 (permalink)
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Following your thread from the beginning:I dont think your the type to "cut-and-run". You sound like a person that strives to overcome challenges and setbacks. Keep trying.

From your description, it sounds like she has some depression. Depression is more than walking around catatonic. It shows itself in many different ways. I think she is broke and lost inside. She probably doesnt feel safe to express herself in MC.

Sit her down, tell her you dont want to separate, you want to have a full and meaningful relationship with her. Hug her even if she doesnt initiate it or return it. You two are horrible communicators. Do something to compensate for it.

"Mr Daily Grind- tear down that wall"
After hearing some counselors on Focus on the Family today I was also wondering about the depression angle. I can't remember if DG's wife has had any kind of counseling.
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Old 03-02-2012, 07:56 PM   #1167 (permalink)
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Daily, I agree you are getting some conflicted advice, I don`t envy your position for sure. I think you`re so desperate to see her change, to show her love for you, that you dropped the separation bomb thinking that she might somehow come out of whatever she`s in. And then she agrees with it, and it somehow has the reverse effect you were expecting...of course i could be wrong.

I think if there was some intimacy in your relationship, things would be a lot better between the two of you, there`s no affection...nothing. As a couple you need that, and I question why she hasn`t wanted that in your relationship for two years. It`s more than a depression, she`s still functioning fairly well, maybe stressed, but functioning.

On one hand some time apart may make her see how much she misses you, wants you, loves you. On the other hand, it changes nothing.

You can only decide. It`s about what you`re willing to live with. Someone once said that to me when I told them my old cat pissed in my toaster, (you read right), we only realized it when H made toast lol, the whole house reeked. I was fed up, almost in tears. Yep, had to put him down. Yes, I said CAT lol
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Old 03-02-2012, 08:08 PM   #1168 (permalink)
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Can't remember if this has been covered but does she simply refuse to have sex or have you quit trying to intiate? Was this discussed in MC?
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Old 03-02-2012, 08:42 PM   #1169 (permalink)
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Why? Isn't the 180 supposed to be for me? To get me focused on detachment?

You were already doing 180 before you you decided to jump back into the marriage didn't you?

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Can't remember if this has been covered but does she simply refuse to have sex or have you quit trying to intiate? Was this discussed in MC?
I think she was lying like a dead fish when DG eventually go fed up and stopped initiating or something like that
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Old 03-02-2012, 09:43 PM   #1170 (permalink)
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Yes..she was lying like a fish. I stopped initiating...and she's not since given me any reason to think otherwise. She admitted to her EAsbe went cold, as well.

I swear you can't make this crap up....found out tonight that my assistant (who I share with our CFO and CEO) was been having a 2 1/2 year affair with my boss (the CFO..who I have ENOMOUS respect for.). This is REALLY shaking my world, right now. I've always been friends with my assistant. In fact she is one of the few people I've shared my marriage problems with. Funny thing...I asked my boss out to lunch today, to apologise for NOT being 150%, as I 've always been, over the past couple months. He's been verry supportve of me with this whole ordeal. In fact, he was the one I first told about W's EA. he was texting me about work stuff; the night I was monitoring w's emails to AP. I remember responding to him...."I'm just sitting here watching my W's emails as she is making plans with this other guy.". He's been VERY supporive since. But I've been feeling guilty about not being my normal working slf, since. Then, tonight, I find out about this affair. It is REALLY shaking my whole foundation about marriage. He's got three kids, and a 25 year marriage!! I have ALWAYS respectected him immnsely.....WOW! REALLY??!! His wife's story could very well be MY story........i'm really just completely shaken, right now!
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