I can't tell you what to do but since I just went through this situation with my husband but I can tell you what I would have wished for during the worst time.
I understand that you are in a very bad shape right now. But your wifes situation is worse because for her everything is beyond control and depends on you. This creates a lot of anxiety.
Believe me... I always thought I could stomach a lot. But this feeling is so overwhelming, it just blows you away and makes you do things you actually don't want to do. This feeling even dwarfed the affair itself for a while... there really was a time when I thought I could handle the affair...
But this will change as soon as the shock periode is over. Then the anger period is coming and this might be your chance to fight for her. As I understand from your previous posts that's what you are missing right now. So... when her anger is coming you better be out of the fog... you want to have a clear head then
Because then she will remember a lot of things that happened. Also a lot of things she did and said and might feel humiliated about that. No way to say what comes out of that. The best thing you can do... don't let that happen. Be there for her and save the situation when she isn't able to.
What I would have wished for during the darkest fog was:
- Open communication. When you feel bad then don't just be moody but tell her what is it what makes you feeling bad. Most of the time it's not about her... so let her know. It makes her feel better. If it is about her then better just tell her you need an hour or so for yourself and go for a walk or a run.
- Honesty about what's going on but not merciless honesty. Details about what was better on the OW are totally needless. Please remember... your wife is not your best buddy and doesn't share your enthusiasm about the EA. It only hurts her. Deep.
- Think about what you really like about your wife and tell her every day. This boosts her self assurance and it will show in her behavior. Bear it also in your own mind. Go back and think what made you love and marry her. Look up old pics, letters, mails, etc and try to get back what attracted you.
- Hug and touch her as often and as long as you can, hold her tight.
- If there is any behavior you can't take... let her know. I don't think she is able to see it by herself. Explain it in a nice way. Challenge her... tell her you want to see the proud and strong women again.
- Let her know that you understand where she is going through and how afraid she is. Since you can't do the big thing for her, ask what little things you can do to make her feel better.
- Tell her that the two of you go through this together no matter where... that you don't let her down.
I think MC would be a good idea. Right now your wife needs as much support as you do or her damage after your coming out of fog could be bad. There is a lot a good MC can do for you. At least there was a lot the MC did for us.
It will be better with time... always think about that.