HerToo

Each week, since I was caught in my EA, my wife has been trying to change in order to be a "better wife" as she says. I'm not asking her to change, nor am I pointing out any faults. She is doing all of that.

This past week, she realized that I do much of the grocery shopping and cooking. And that's fine, because I don't mind cooking. She doesn't enjoy cooking, and isn't that great of a cook as a result. Many things in life are like that.

Well, while we were eating a meal that I cooked at the dinner table, she asked me if I had wished that she would cook more often. I said that at times I do, but when neither of us feel like it we end up going out. I'm also glad that she doesn't cook that much because sometimes what she cooks is not very good (sorry, just being honest).

Then, this past weekend we were together doing an activity. I was getting frustrated that things were going as hoped (not with anything she was doing), and showed my frustration by not being in a happy mood. When we got home, she started to cry and tell me that she's trying to make me happy, and can't even do that. And that she doesn't cook enough too.

I need her to be herself, and I told her this. The effect it's having is starting to push me away as I try to come out of this fog.

Should I tell her this, or let her go through this phase?

CandieGirl

By all means tell her this...but she may take this as you making excuses to go back to your OW. I've read a few of your posts and I question whether or not you are really interested in staying in your marriage...But that's just my opinion, from the outside looking in, of course.

I'mAllIn

Give her a little time. As the person in your wife's position I can tell you it's incredibly stressful to worry constantly about keeping your husband happy, because we saw what happened when he wasn't, and we just can't face that again. My best advice to you is to tell her over and over that you're sorry, that you have no interest in doing anything like that again. Reassure her, and little by little she'll believe and think about it less and relax more.

Arnold

Talk to her and be patient and understanding. Your actions caused this. I bet you would be insecure, too, if your wife cheated. You have to do theheavy lifting. People who decide to stay with their cheater need a lot of reassurance, IMO.

Jellybeans

Let her know you feel she is trying too hard and you want her to be herself.

Voice how you feel. Understand that her entire world just got flipped upside down. She is undoubtedly thinking that something is wrong WITH HER for you to cheat (A lot of betrayed spuoses feel this way). She's wondering what she did wrong or waht could she have done better in order for you not to have cheated on her with another woman. So now she is trying to fix that in order to make sure you are satisfied. Give her a lil empathy. It goes a long way. She is broken right now.

Mindful Coach

Well, I see that 1. She's scared to death of losing you. and 2. She isn't getting her need of feeling certain met. She needs to feel certain that you are there for her in every way as her husband, friend, and lover. That isn't happening and she blames herself for that and feels like a huge loser.

Instead of telling her about her and what she needs to do/not do, why don't you adjust your own behavior? Give her some added assurance to the point that you can see she is starting to relax and trust that you are going to stand by her and not run off to OW.

__________________
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Tracy
Couple's Conditioning
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karole

Apparently, you have not convinced her that you are committed to the relationship 100%. Your posts seem to indicate that you are irritated or aggravated with your wife. She is entitled to every one of the emotions that she is going through. If you are truly committed to your wife, do what you need to do or what she needs for you to do to put her at ease.

HerToo

I continue to tell her to be herself, and that what happened is solely 100% my fault. I also tell her to be herself, and that if she tried to change it will be for false reason. Of course, there are a few things that we did talk about with regards to our marriage that I don't care for, but those are very small things and they did not cause me to have the EA.

I know she is scared of losing me. And since I'm still in a fog, I know I can't assure her any level of certainty despite my desire to do so.

I have adjusted my behavior the best I can. The EA consumed much of each day in the past. Now there is a huge void, and I'm trying to fill that void with things of value and meaning. Yes, it does impact my mood at times since I'm still in a fog. At least I admit it.

Jellybeans

If you can't assure her that you are willing to stay or not, then you need to tell her that instead of gaslighting her into thinking that's what you want.

Are you guys doing MC?

Who was the OW? Have you had any contact w/ her since? How do you know her? Is she married? Did you reveal her identity to your wife? How did you hook up with OW?

HerToo

I'm trying my best to assure her what my intentions are. I admit that I'm not at 100%. I still don't understand myself enough to answer that question without a shred doubt of myself and my future. But I am going to IC to learn what I need to do to myself to get to 100%. I have told my wife this, and that I want all doubts to go away. I'm also having personal issues in dealing with the fact that I cheated, and may not deserve her love. She knows this as well.

The OW was someone I knew of decades ago, not even a friend at that time or someone I ever talked to in the past. I was shy and living with the stigma of being labeled due to a personal issue. I had no contact until FB this year. I have not have any contact since the day I was caught. She is not married (divorced a long time). My wife knows who she is.

I'm seeking advice on how to help her while I help myself at the same time. I'm afraid that if I say or do the wrong thing, she'll try even harder to change, or she'll pull the divorce trigger on me before I can fix myself.

sinnister

Wait...if you're saying you're still in a fog...then you're not in a fog.

Isn't one of the main fog requirements denial?

She's killing herself trying to make you happy after you cheated and that's pushing you away? Did I wake up in upside down world?

HerToo

I'm talking about the "unsure, unclear" part of being in a fog. Perhaps it's more smog than fog.

UpperSideOfDown

HerToo,

I can't tell you what to do but since I just went through this situation with my husband but I can tell you what I would have wished for during the worst time.

I understand that you are in a very bad shape right now. But your wifes situation is worse because for her everything is beyond control and depends on you. This creates a lot of anxiety.
Believe me... I always thought I could stomach a lot. But this feeling is so overwhelming, it just blows you away and makes you do things you actually don't want to do. This feeling even dwarfed the affair itself for a while... there really was a time when I thought I could handle the affair...

But this will change as soon as the shock periode is over. Then the anger period is coming and this might be your chance to fight for her. As I understand from your previous posts that's what you are missing right now. So... when her anger is coming you better be out of the fog... you want to have a clear head then
Because then she will remember a lot of things that happened. Also a lot of things she did and said and might feel humiliated about that. No way to say what comes out of that. The best thing you can do... don't let that happen. Be there for her and save the situation when she isn't able to.

What I would have wished for during the darkest fog was:
- Open communication. When you feel bad then don't just be moody but tell her what is it what makes you feeling bad. Most of the time it's not about her... so let her know. It makes her feel better. If it is about her then better just tell her you need an hour or so for yourself and go for a walk or a run.
- Honesty about what's going on but not merciless honesty. Details about what was better on the OW are totally needless. Please remember... your wife is not your best buddy and doesn't share your enthusiasm about the EA. It only hurts her. Deep.
- Think about what you really like about your wife and tell her every day. This boosts her self assurance and it will show in her behavior. Bear it also in your own mind. Go back and think what made you love and marry her. Look up old pics, letters, mails, etc and try to get back what attracted you.
- Hug and touch her as often and as long as you can, hold her tight.
- If there is any behavior you can't take... let her know. I don't think she is able to see it by herself. Explain it in a nice way. Challenge her... tell her you want to see the proud and strong women again.
- Let her know that you understand where she is going through and how afraid she is. Since you can't do the big thing for her, ask what little things you can do to make her feel better.
- Tell her that the two of you go through this together no matter where... that you don't let her down.

I think MC would be a good idea. Right now your wife needs as much support as you do or her damage after your coming out of fog could be bad. There is a lot a good MC can do for you. At least there was a lot the MC did for us.
It will be better with time... always think about that.

HappyAtLast

Honestly, I can't blame her one bit...how is she supposed to feel? She's no doubt comparing herself to the woman you had the EA with...she obviously is scared of losing you and is trying her darnest to keep you...

pidge70

I was thinking the same thing every time I saw him stating he was in the "fog".
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