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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-31-2011, 11:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Foggy

I need a beacon of light.

As I foggily ramble....
I love her but I am not in love with her......
It's not her, it's me.....
I love her like a sibling.....

Is it not true? It's how I feel right now...

Am I in a fog now....or was it the years absent of sex and my loneliness that made me vulnerable and only now do I see clearly?

Nothing can justify my decision, certainly I should have been able to hold things together. I guess I could have given half my worth and time as a parent up and started alone. I guess that would have been the respectable thing to do.

Should she have cared more when she discovered the affair? What does her apathy tell me? Did she not care along as suspected, or has she just given up on me now?

Shouldn't a couple talk about such things? Is an affair in a relationship worthy of more than a 2-3 hour conversation and never mentioned again?

Why am I the only one sad and disappointed in me?

I may never know the real reasons....

I read these stories and I see the pain of the betrayed....and I wonder....did your spouses know you had such love for them? I would never betray someone that loved me.....or it that just more foggy babble....
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Old 10-31-2011, 11:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Foggy

Sober up and come back when you are lucid.
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Foggy

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Sober up and come back when you are lucid.
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Old 11-01-2011, 07:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Foggy

That's funny

It's all good and well and unfortunately all too predictable, guess my reasoning is as well.

Try 15 years of inadequate sex and affection in your marriage...than...add 4 years, yes ~200 weeks, that's ~1500 days without having sex with your spouse.....then have people hold you accountable to monogamy.

But wait, before you do something immoral, I'll give you two options:
1. Write a check in excess of $1mm and tell your daughter you are leaving
2. Continue to live this way.

Sorry, created my own option.

Don't get your feathers all ruffled. My wife knows.....she got over it in less than 2 days and it has never come up again.....not once....4 months later.

I guess she still comes out on top because my options remain the same....

Make fun of it all you want....it's not funny living in it.
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Old 11-01-2011, 07:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Foggy

Nice example you and your wife are giving your daughter about what marriage is all about.
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Old 11-01-2011, 08:12 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Morituri - thanks for your snide comment. I wish the world were contained to nice little boxes where I could evaluate everything in such a compartmentalized way. My child sees neither an ideal marriage nor is she aware of any fundamental issues.

I guess we could have split, forced her to move, change schools, forfeit her involvement in extracurricular activities (among other hardships) to show her what people do when they can't fix their problems.

We make a number of concessions in life in the interest of our children. They are rarely decisions made without some associated consequence.

These are not my sentiments alone, my wife is fully informed and makes the same decision. My child is a prospering student, member of the church, athlete, and wonderful young lady - I wasn't prepared to jeopardize all of that, nor was my wife, for our own personal wants and needs.

Ideally yes, we would be a model unified and loving parental unit, but the world isn't all peaches and cream dear.
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Old 11-01-2011, 08:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Foggy

if you can write a check for a million then financially I think everyone will be fine in a divorce


you're being a coward by either not fixing the marriage or doing what's right to end it
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Old 11-01-2011, 08:23 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Foggy

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Originally Posted by mr_confused View Post
Morituri - thanks for your snide comment. I wish the world were contained to nice little boxes where I could evaluate everything in such a compartmentalized way. My child sees neither an ideal marriage nor is she aware of any fundamental issues.

I guess we could have split, forced her to move, change schools, forfeit her involvement in extracurricular activities (among other hardships) to show her what people do when they can't fix their problems.

We make a number of concessions in life in the interest of our children. They are rarely decisions made without some associated consequence.

These are not my sentiments alone, my wife is fully informed and makes the same decision. My child is a prospering student, member of the church, athlete, and wonderful young lady - I wasn't prepared to jeopardize all of that, nor was my wife, for our own personal wants and needs.

Ideally yes, we would be a model unified and loving parental unit, but the world isn't all peaches and cream dear.
Okay. So your stuck. What are you going to actually DO to make your life better? If you aren't getting sex then she doesn't find you attractive.
Work on YOU. for YOU.
Start now.
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Old 11-01-2011, 08:23 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Foggy

I was in a sexless marriage for a similar time(of course my XW was cheating, so she was getting sex).
In any case, I think you need to bite the bullet and divorce, unless you want to continue like this.
Save the melodrama. Many of us have faced the same thing:wife shutting down the sex life. The choice to cheat was a bad one. Doesn't make you Hitler or anything. But, very few marriages survive infidelity. Your wife, despite her outward non-chalance, is not going to let this go. And, unless you want lifetime celibacy(if the Catholic church is so insistent on celibacy for priests, why not let them marry )you might want to connsider taking the financial hit and divorcing. Kids do okay with it.
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Old 11-01-2011, 08:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Foggy

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Morituri - thanks for your snide comment. I wish the world were contained to nice little boxes where I could evaluate everything in such a compartmentalized way. My child sees neither an ideal marriage nor is she aware of any fundamental issues.
What would you do if you found out that while you were suffering all these years in a sexless/loveless marriage, you're wife was having her needs met by other men like Arnold's wife? Would you stay the course you are on?

BTW no malice is intended with the posing of this question.
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Old 11-01-2011, 09:10 AM   #11 (permalink)
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It would not bother me in the least. It would actually explain a number of things I cannot make sense of as it. I have looked for signs but can't find any, so I am left to believe she is absent of the need for intimacy, has needs that are satisfied by her role as a parent, or simply doesn't have such feelings for me.

It is easy to say now....but gaining acceptance of this has taken many years.
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Old 11-01-2011, 10:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
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It would not bother me in the least.
Forgive me for saying this but as the old saying goes 'until you cross that bridge...'.

But let's say for the sake of argument that you are right in saying that it wouldn't bother you in the least, it would then show how emotionally detached you have been from your wife and how that contributed to the sexless/loveless marriage which in turn helped the two of you to look outside the marriage to get your emotional needs satisfied.

You talk about your wife not wanting sexual intimacy with you but have you looked deep inside yourself to see what you may have contributed to turn her off sexually to you?
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Old 11-01-2011, 11:29 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Foggy

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Originally Posted by mr_confused View Post
Don't get your feathers all ruffled. My wife knows.....she got over it in less than 2 days and it has never come up again.....not once....4 months later.

.
You didn't tell her the truth. You mimimized your relationship with this hussy and now question why your wife "got over it"? Could it be that because she doesn't have the full story, she actually believes you and your continued lies? She is the one who wants to work on the marriage and I suspect the only reason she does is because she only has half truths. For you to blame her for "not being emotional enough" is ridiculous. If you think she isn't going to be emotional, why lie and not tell the truth? You already know the answer to that and it isn't because you want to spare her more pain.
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Old 11-01-2011, 01:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Oh bright eyes, you are so assuming.

I haven't lied to my wife. I also have not disclosed everything. So you know my wife doesn't blame me or seem confused by my actions - in fact she said she understands why I would seek sex outside my marriage. I guess that is easy to understand when you aren't getting any inside the marriage.

I came here for advice and suggestions. Neither of which I see in your response. If judging and/or condemning is of value to you given whatever you've endured, by all means.....continue. I'm not withholding information here, I share what seems relevant to the question at hand, I'll equally answer any questions you have.

I'm not basing my decision on my wife's reaction. I shared it as a point of reference, I do think it speaks volumes about the state of a marriage when a woman is largely unaffected by the fact her husband is having recurring sex with another woman. I don't care what I disclose or keep to myself - keep it simple.....her spouse is having sex with someone else. I'd expect a reaction, extensive dialog, inquiries regarding the extent of the relationship, etc..

I'm not sparing her any pain. That is correct.... I don't why you'd assume as much, but I guess from your tone and presumptuous comments - you've got everyone pegged after only a few paragraphs.
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Old 11-01-2011, 01:11 PM   #15 (permalink)
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It would not bother me in the least. It would actually explain a number of things I cannot make sense of as it. I have looked for signs but can't find any, so I am left to believe she is absent of the need for intimacy, has needs that are satisfied by her role as a parent, or simply doesn't have such feelings for me.

It is easy to say now....but gaining acceptance of this has taken many years.
Huh? Your wife getting sex while you, in reliance on the contract, are forgoing siilar opportunities, would not bother you? Damn, mind if I sell you a fake life insurance policy and collect the premiums or something of that nature?
WTF, I was pissed as hell when i found out that a good chunk of my life had been wasted/stolen.
I do not believe it would not bother you, just because it explains things.
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