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Sadness, humiliation, and disbelief

58K views 248 replies 50 participants last post by  drifting on 
#1 ·
So Sunday evening we went to my sister in laws home. Mother in law and several teen aged cousins as well. My wife had a very bad day with the boys as they were talking back and not listening. I had to work that day so I came after. One of the cousins who is nine years old the boys adore. This cousin has been somewhat of a bad influence, telling the boys to say no and to run when called are just two examples. Their time with this cousin is limited and monitored since she tells the boys to do wrong.

During dinner one of the boys refused to eat. My wife had mentioned he would get nothing else to eat that night if he didn't eat dinner. He talked back to my wife and she told him he would go in z time out if he continued. A few minutes later he talked back again and I told my wife I would take care of it. I got up and had him stand in the corner twenty feet away from the table. His brother was able to see his nine year old cousin laugh because his brother was in trouble. The nine year old actually left the table because she was about to laugh out loud.

The one standing in the corner kept turning around in the corner to watch everyone. I turned him back around and whispered in his ear. At this point he began to cry. About a minute later my wife slammed her hand on the table. She then proceeded to scream at me that I should be considerate to everyone else and taken him upstairs. Immediately I felt disrespected, humiliated, in disbelief as she screamed.

A thought came to my mind to say, your affair was enough disrespect to me, don't ever speak to me in that manner again. Although I didn't say that, I walked outside to calm down. When we got home that evening we put the kids to bed and my wife asked to talk. I explained calmly how and what I felt. I then told her I was too angry to talk about the incident that night.

My wife couldn't let it go and apologized, I again told her how I felt and that I could not talk tonight. On Monday night I saw my therapist and discussed this with her. My therapist was shocked at my wife's behavior, but completely understands how I have felt about this. My therapist asked if I was strong enough to live with a wife who could and will disrespect myself. She then asked if I loved her enough to wait while she works on disrespect in therapy. My wife is very strong willed and up until now I saw that as good, however right now it has only caused me pain and sadness.

Almost two and a half years into reconciliation, all the hard work both of us have done, and no idea what is right from here. At the moment my emotions have been racing. I told my wife I am undecided, if she deems that unfair she can choose what she likes. It is unfair of me to expect her to wait while I am undecided, and I told her this, but as of right now I simply can't work on reconciliation and myself until I have come to a decision.
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#44 ·
Karole,

I appreciate your kind words, it took everything I had to not respond in a cruel and vindictive manner. That's what would have come from my mouth had I spoken. Every word I would have spoke would have been laced with venom. Each day I am cursed at, in fact by 07:30 I had a guy threatening to kill me, I smiled. Why? They are words, period. Am I dead? No. Let me ask you this, if I did speak and put her in her place is the problem really solved? What was the problem? The problem was the fact my son did not eat chicken. That was the problem. For me and my wife to argue and slam each other makes no sense. Her actions were disrespectful, they were belittling as said in another post, but I will not disrespect anyone, including my wife, in front of the boys. Shat kind of father does that?

I'm not trying to be disrespectful to you karole, I'm simply answering several posts in this one. I do appreciate your support, The Lord knows I've been needing that lately.
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#3 ·
My ex wife was similar. She would disrespect me in front of others. I never stood up for myself because I wanted to keep everything together and not have drama. I was a wimp. I finally had enough and told everyone how unhappy I was and how our marriage was a sham. Then I left and started the divorce procedures. I'm sure you'll do the same eventually after you've had enough. From your posts, you seem soft spoken and beta. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's the impression you give. If she ever does that again, you need to stand up for yourself right there. You can't be treated like that again.
 
#45 ·
Ugh, beta/alpha, this is an argument in itself. First I don't believe in the alpha/beta crap as I call it. Soft spoken, I can give you that, but everyone I know will tell you not to cross me. I can be ruthless, choose not to be, I can be cruel, choose not to be, I deal with people others won't. I have the capability to be tough and soft, I choose to use what is needed at the time. I'm not a big ego person, I am (or was pre affair) very comfortable in how I treat people.
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#4 · (Edited)
DO:

Is there more to this story? The damage from the affair is obvious. Two and half years later, to suddenly realize you are no longer in this thing because an incident of disrespect, has the air of something that has perhaps been building, not just a sudden onset.

What else has been happening?
 
#6 ·
DO:

Is there more to this story? The damage from the affair is obvious. Two and half years later, to suddenly realize you are no longer in this thing because an incident of disrespect has the air of something that has perhaps been building, not just a sudden onset.

What else has been happening?
In a nutshell, his wife had an affair and got pregnant with twins with her affair partner. DO was never able to have kids with his wife. He is raising the twins as his own and reconciled.
 
#47 ·
5creed

Thank you for you very kind words, your support is so very appreciated, I was feeling quite alone for awhile. God bless you.
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#10 ·
What will it take for you to learn to defend yourself in the next similar situation? THAT is what's missing. You could have said something like "I'm getting the boys and we are leaving. Stay or go, I don't care." And then get the boys and head to the car. THAT is what she is needing to take her down a notch or two.
 
#56 ·
Putting her in her place in front of the boys is not something I will do. I will not disrespect someone just because they disrespected me. Your response is something that could have been said. However, the behavior she displayed is very uncharacteristic of her. She has never done something like this before.
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#11 ·
At some point it's no longer how much a BS loves his/her WS that allows him/her to stay in his/her marriage, but instead how much he/she DOESN'T love himself/herself that keeps him/her trapped within it.

And with two living, breathing reminders of your WW's affair w/ OM hanging around and calling you "Daddy", it's probably safe to say that you're well past that point.
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#13 ·
while she works on disrespect in therapy.
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wow you can do that? Work on disrespect? How long does that take?

I mean whatever that was doesn't seem like it was just simply disrespect. You're disciplining your child, you're trying to help, she knows this and is watching it, so whatever tripped her off, in that moment, the explosion of PHYSICAL anger to slam her hand down then direct her anger at you. I mean you'd think whatever was pent up was released in the moment she smacked the table but no she went further, she belittled you. That's the word you want to use, in front of everybody she cut you down. So yes there is disrespect but moreover there's resentment.

Disrespect and resentment? Do you work through that if you really feel it?
 
#14 ·
This seems like a "straw that broke the camel's back" kind of incident. Like it wasn't this one thing - it was the accumulation of all of the anger, shame, and sadness finally just falling on you and it was her continued disrespect and treating you like sh!t that triggered it.

Look - you are going to have to just get used to these feelings. You have to accept that she is going to do things that will trigger all of the painful, horrible memories of her cheating. When she disrespects you like she did it will connect instantly with the emotions you have locked away in your mind and you will boil over. That's how it works when you rugsweep & compartmentalize your strong emotions and stay with a cheater for fear of destroying the life you have become accustomed to. This is the price and, since you've only now began to get in touch with these emotions, things are likely to get a lot tougher.

Is divorce really so unacceptable to you?
 
#29 · (Edited)
Look - you are going to have to just get used to these feelings. You have to accept that she is going to do things that will trigger all of the painful, horrible memories of her cheating.
Or you can leave move on with your life and stop being a victim. You can take agency in your own happiness and be proactive. You can still be a father to the kids, and you can show them a good example of a person who has self respect and doesn't let himself be bullied. That is what a good father should do. You are not being a good father showing someone getting emotionally abused. This will be a pattern that will recur in their lives because it will be exemplified in your marriage. You need to have the courage to break the cycle, to figure out why you are letting yourself be abused, time to be brave for your kids. Your primary role in their lives it to protect them. Staying in this relationship is not protecting them, it is doing great damage to their future.
 
#21 ·
This is how its always going to be for Drifting ON. He didn't D her after she cheated and lied about the paternity of the kids, so compared to that this is small potatoes.

She will always treat him like this because she sees him as weak. Until DO realizes this his situation will not change.
 
#25 · (Edited)
She will always treat him like this because she sees him as weak.
And he apparently keeps proving her right. May as well face it, the guy wants to behave like a busboy, sulking quietly in private, he ain't gonna be mistaken for owner of the establishment.
 
#22 ·
So there is so much in your original post on this thread that I had chime in on this.

First, your therapist is full of crap!!! "Do you "love" her enough to wait while she works through this"?! SERIOUSLY. What kind of blame shifting, let them beat you until they are tired, bull **** is that? That question is in the hall of fame for quack therapist quotes. It is not even about loving someone enough. Never is. Its about respecting yourself.

A pastor who was counseling a woman told her to forgive her husband for beating her and to remain and pray through it as a sign of her love for him. I asked him if he believed in turning the other cheek and forgiving those who spitefully abused him. He said, "yes, absolutely". I then told him that I was going to kick the living **** out of him and I wanted him to pray for me and forgive me and turn the other cheek as an example for the woman. He freaked, told me to leave his office and said he'd call the cops. I told her, that is what you should do. Dump that therapist.

Next: Dude, face the reality. This is not about her slamming the table and embarrassing you. It is about her affair. It is about all the crap that is your life and this woman. Face that. Hard work will kill you. Smart work gets you ahead.

Just because you say that you have been working hard and she has been working hard does not mean that you get whatever prize you thought was at the end. Its not magic. Go back to the beginning and really get in there. If it was a deal breaker, it was one. Stop running. If it was not one, get in there and do the real work. I think it was a deal breaker, but that is really your call. She's your wife and it is your life. I just don't get why you are still there, but you have your reasons. I guess.
 
#34 ·
I don't believe DO is weak in the slightest. I think he genuinely loves his wife and wants to do right by HIS kids.

I will not speak ill of Mrs. DO, other than to say that her actions were very wrong.

But DO, you know you have to separate this from the affair. What have you told me countless times? THIS IS HARD WORK.

She has disrespected you again. Yes. But she did not disrespect you in the same way. You have said she's worked very hard. You've worked very hard. This needs addressed, but separate from the affair. NO ONE is going to agree with me on this, but that's ok. She's not going to be perfect, and regardless of how hard she tries, she is going to make mistakes. This is a BIG one. Disrespect and humiliation in front of a crowd is not acceptable. But this is NOT the affair.

I've always been pulling for you. Since the day you told me your story. I want this marriage to work for you and those adorable boys. I understand your anger and frustration. I really do.
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#35 ·
I don't believe DO is weak in the slightest. I think he genuinely loves his wife and wants to do right by HIS kids.
I think he is codependent at the very least but again I bet there is something very deeply damaged that allows him to stay in an abusive relationship. By any honest opinion this relationship IS abusive and as his kids get older they will see it, learn from it. Even now they are picking up very negative traits. They are not being modeled an example of a healthy man.

He may be a nice person but he is in an abusive relationship and he continues to stay. There is not honor in this. It's just sad.

Letting someone abuse you is not love. His job is to protect his kids, he is not doing that by staying in this situation.
 
#36 · (Edited)
During dinner one of the boys refused to eat. My wife had mentioned he would get nothing else to eat that night if he didn't eat dinner. He talked back to my wife and she told him he would go in z time out if he continued. A few minutes later he talked back again
Your boys are acting out because your wife has established that dynamic. If the child refuses to eat, she should tell them "That is fine if you choose to not eat, but this is your last opportunity to eat today....no food later." Then when the child is hungry later and wants to eat, say to them, "I'm sorry you are hungry. Remember that you decided not to eat at dinner time? Don't worry, you will make it through the night without eating, and then you can have some breakfast." And then she should not give in, but remain calm and not feed him. Her threats are recognized for empty threats, and your son knows it.

and I told my wife I would take care of it. I got up and had him stand in the corner twenty feet away from the table. His brother was able to see his nine year old cousin laugh because his brother was in trouble. The nine year old actually left the table because she was about to laugh out loud.

The one standing in the corner kept turning around in the corner to watch everyone. I turned him back around and whispered in his ear. At this point he began to cry.
Good move supporting your wife. She was tired, and you stepped in as back-up. However you should have had your son stand in a different room, where he could be alone and think about his actions, not be distracted or humiliated by the people watching and laughing at him. He was the center of attention the whole time, which he probably enjoyed, until he realized he wasn't having fun anymore.

About a minute later my wife slammed her hand on the table. She then proceeded to scream at me that I should be considerate to everyone else and taken him upstairs. Immediately I felt disrespected, humiliated, in disbelief as she screamed.
This just made me sad. How did the rest of the family react to her slamming down her hand and screaming? She clearly doesn't have self control. Your boys know that. Imagine how she is when you aren't home. She obviously doesn't respect herself, you, or anyone else in the room. She threw a temper tantrum.

A thought came to my mind to say, your affair was enough disrespect to me, don't ever speak to me in that manner again. Although I didn't say that, I walked outside to calm down. When we got home that evening we put the kids to bed and my wife asked to talk. I explained calmly how and what I felt. I then told her I was too angry to talk about the incident that night.

My wife couldn't let it go and apologized, I again told her how I felt and that I could not talk tonight. On Monday night I saw my therapist and discussed this with her. My therapist was shocked at my wife's behavior, but completely understands how I have felt about this.
Why didn't you tell her how you felt when you felt it, right when she disrespected you? Are you a conflict avoider? If you are, you are not being true to yourself. You will look like the sane one, since you are not yelling, and you want to avoid conflict and your own anger at all cost, but you look weak to your wife, and anyone witnessing her abuse toward you.

My therapist asked if I was strong enough to live with a wife who could and will disrespect myself. She then asked if I loved her enough to wait while she works on disrespect in therapy. My wife is very strong willed and up until now I saw that as good, however right now it has only caused me pain and sadness.
Wow, what loaded questions: Are you strong enough? Do you love her enough? No man would want to say, "No, I am not strong enough, I am weak. No, I don't love her enough." I call BS on your therapist for her manipulative questions.

Almost two and a half years into reconciliation, all the hard work both of us have done, and no idea what is right from here. At the moment my emotions have been racing. I told my wife I am undecided, if she deems that unfair she can choose what she likes. It is unfair of me to expect her to wait while I am undecided, and I told her this, but as of right now I simply can't work on reconciliation and myself until I have come to a decision.
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Your wife disrespected you by having an A, then she lied and disrespected you about the children she sired, and now she disrespects and publicly humiliates you by yelling at you. I think you know in your gut how you feel about all this. It is not going to end until you accept that she will never respect you as long as you are with her. Only when you leave will she begin to realize that you are done taking her abuse. Or she will turn into a h*ll demon.

Your situation makes me so sad. If you leave her, she will quickly find another man, and you can see the OM's children 50% of the time...if you want to.

Since you had the genetic test, would the law make you pay child support for OM's children should you decide to divorce?
 
#37 ·
#41 · (Edited)
Oh wow, and I thought Plan B was bothering just because she picked you when OM was not the right one after all. I had no idea she hit you with two kids that weren't yours and you don't know about it until 2.5 years later.

Talk about Plan B and being taken advantage of to top that off!:(

You really need to dump this witch of a woman you married, got cheated on, got dumped kids that weren't yours on, has no respect for you, and is not sorry at all for all the damage she has caused.

And you are the one that feels shame? We all make stupid decisions in our lives, it's NEVER too late to fix this.

Set yourself free and live a much better life. You can never get over this kind of deceit and selfishness.

You honestly deserve so much better than the lumps you took. Time to start thinking about you for a change. The children will be better off with you living away from home than living in a home that has been nothing but lies, disrespect and deceit.
 
#49 ·
If your definition of being embarrassed is your wife screaming at you in front of others, what about making your boy cry in front of others? If it is acceptable for you to treat your son that way, why isn't it acceptable for your wife to treat you that way?
 
#61 · (Edited)
This is a ridiculous statement.

The child was being disciplined for continuous defiance and talking back.....and in an acceptable manner.....don't want to mention what my old man would have done to me in that situation back in the day.

DO's wife's outburst was just an abusive tirade that was completely uncalled for......and showed ZERO respect for him as both a parent and her partner.
 
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