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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-01-2011, 06:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Hello! This is my first post to TAM, but I've been looking at it regularly for a couple of months and it has been so helpful when I thought I was losing my mind. Thank you to all the posters who have shared their knowledge and wisdom, I wished I had found it sooner! Well, my situation is that my husband of more than 30 years is having (at a minimum) an EA. I know this for a fact from what I have observed going on since the beginning of this year, including the texts and emails I have seen on his "crackpipe" (I mean his iphone). It would take a long time to tell the whole sad story, but here is the most recent thing I copied off his Iphone and emailed to myself, it was written by him in Sept to her ( I disguised a couple of things) :

Good morning!!!- Just landed in XXX. HER NAME HERE you have confirmed what I have known but have refused to accept. I have loved the dance that we have had and wanted just one last slow beautiful one to have and to hold that could sustain me for the rest of my life. I held this dream within my heart because as Roy Orbison said "I close my eyes, then I drift away, into the magic night. I softly say a silent prayer, like dreamers do, then I fall asleep to dream tmy dreams of you." But alas that shall not be. Sweet HER NAME HERE I can and will give up that dream. I will stop the tears that have rolled down my cheeks. The angst and drama will stop. But I will not and can not give up your friendship!! You know you are my best girlfriend!! You know I would do anything for you, but I will not carve you out of my heart. I need you in my life in order to have a life with any real meaning to it. To do otherwise would be a pain I could not bear. I have been searching for the right words to say. You see you have become part of the air that I breathe.
SO, this is the man I have been married to for 30 plus years who says his life will have no real meaning without her and who dreams about her (I call her Kow, for short), who refuses to acknowledge to me what is really going on, and this is what he wrote to her on his way home from a business trip. What do you think the "dance" is? Sex? Oh by the way she is married with a nice family, but who knows, maybe they have problems. She lives here in our city and they frequently do civic things together, and get together at her house with her family, (so it seems innocent) and when he thinks I don't know. I am supposed to believe they are you know "Just Friends". From the tone of the email, do you think it's been physical already? It seems like she must have told him to back off or stay away, but knowing what I know already, I can't believe that will happen or trust him, or just sweep it away, and they continue to text each other and interact regularly. I can't figure out whether to bring it up with Kow and confront her. Mostly I am pretty distant around her when I am forced to see her in public. Do I tell him I have seen this? I think when/if I do, I will get the lies. At a minimum, I think my marriage is no longer what it was, and will never be the same again, and may not be fixable. I just started seeing a counselor, and will get her input tomorrow. Do I sound calm or cold? Yes, because I am calm right now, even though this breaks my heart and sometimes I don't sleep at night and I question the whole last 30 years of marriage, and I can't talk to anyone about this, and this whole year has been hell, knowing what has been going on and him just lying to me. My confidence is so shot. I forgot to add that Kow is about 20 years younger than me, and a knockout blonde, very well endowed, super vivacious, accomplished, beautiful family, pretty much everything I am not (me = the hard working like a dog wife, with integrity intact at least) I hate sounding like a whiney victim here. We are too well known in our community for me to talk to anyone other than the counselor. Thanks for any thoughts.
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Old 11-01-2011, 06:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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How did you discover the affair? You have to tell her husband.
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Old 11-01-2011, 06:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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If you've been reading regularly you know what the program here is - sorry to say. All that BS about not giving up the friendship and needing to have her be a part of his life even if they end the affair brings back such bad memories for me - I said - and believed - all that same rubbish when I was in my EA - ugggh.

You know you've got to draw a line and tell him it's you or her. You know he's got to go no contact and give you transparency. When you confront him odds are he's going to resist and fight you - he just said he would not carve her out of his life. Maybe you'll be lucky and being exposed will be enough to make him realize that he didn't really mean that, maybe you won't and you'll have to deal with trickle truth and all the other fun stuff we waywards can pull. Either way you can't allow this to go on - can you?

Sorry you're here. Hang in there - lots of good advice and wonderful people headed your way momentarily to help.
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Old 11-01-2011, 07:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Sorry you are in such a mess. Glad that you came here for advice.

First, you need to forget about her for now and concentrate on him. As a cheater (EA) myself, I was caught via texts and emails on my phone. My wife confronted me the minute she saw them. So why are you waiting? Unfortunately, it's not a bad dream that you will wake up from.

Call him on the texts right now. As for the PA or not, that's hard to tell. But it does sound like your H pushed hard on connecting deeper with the OW, and the OW got to a point where she realized what she was doing and what was at risk. She's not talking to you because she is ashamed of herself, and her H doesn't know what happened yet (you will need to let him know what you learn).

Continue going to counseling even after you learn more. Demand full transparency into his emails, texts, phone calls, and anything else.

I wish you the best.
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Old 11-01-2011, 07:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I discovered it gradually. I should have been paying more attention. Things weren't adding up. Of course I was in denial longer than I should have been (all last spring), but by about Mid May, when I saw a text from her to him "I adore you". And then a little later in May, he texted her poem "Good Night My Angel". That sort of thing. No proof of a PA, but for sure an EA. And it just went on and on, and every time I would ask him, I got the lies. Why is is my responsibility to tell Kow's husband? If it is I will do it, but man I hate having to do all the hard work. I think my primary task is to try to save my marriage, or at least myself, and telling her husband is secondary, also I am afraid of his temper, he has guns. Not sure if I am willing to risk that.
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Old 11-01-2011, 07:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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If her H has a temper issue, it's best that she tell her H.

Before you can fix your marriage, you need to hear what happened. This will help you understand some of the level of effort required to fix it.

Be sure to make him earn you back. You described the OW as if she was better than you. I could not disagree more. Her actions shot that down.

Don't sweep this under the rug, because that lump will never go away and you will trip over it for the remaining days.
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Old 11-01-2011, 07:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Sorry you find yourself here. Telling her H is the best thing you can do to aid you in helping your marriage recover.
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Old 11-01-2011, 09:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Why is telling her husband the best thing? Please explain why. How does that fix my marriage?
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Old 11-01-2011, 09:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Telling her husband could well destroy this fanatsy they have. It will force her to face reality.
Your H, judging by his "prose" is an idiot, quite pathetic, actually.Let's see how he fares when her H confronts the weasal.
You need to realize that the only route to saving your marriage goes through the destruction of the affair. And , just about the most effective tool in doing that is telling her spouse and other people that may be able to influence your H and inose consequences.
This sucks, eh?
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Old 11-01-2011, 09:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Telling her H is the most guaranteed, effective and quickest way to end the affair. Take it from Hertoo and me that quitting an affair is harder than you think. Telling the OW's H combined with confronting your H brings the whole thing into the light and makes everyone accountable.

Without question it is the most effective way to kill the affair. It is also very bloody and ugly. If you choose this route warn or threaten no one in advance. If you do they will only work together to defeat you or individually to make you look crazy.
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Old 11-01-2011, 09:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by I will survive View Post
Why is telling her husband the best thing? Please explain why. How does that fix my marriage?
She has already tried to end it and your husband is the one that is pushing to save it. This means that she still values her marriage. Telling the OW's husband will force the OW to act to save her marriage. Also, telling the OW's husband will give you someone else that will be on the look out to make sure that it is over between them. At the very least he will not be welcome at their house like he is now.

Another thing is that fantasy is so perfect. It is a make believe world where there are no bills to pay and no work to do. Just fun and love. When her husband finds out and the sh*t hits the fan, the fantasy will fade away as the reality of her situation sinks in and the fantasy is pushed into the world of real life. Because you know what? There are still bills to pay and work to do and her husband is helping her with them. Nothing sexy about that, but that is real life.
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Old 11-01-2011, 10:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thank you TRy, your answer makes sense to me. I appreciate your insight, it is hard to be objective myself, and figure out the right thing to do for my own self worth, to help my marriage possibly recover. I took my wedding ring off today. I just can't/won't wear it any more until/if there is some kind of honest discussion, it seems so false, I left it in his junk dish. Weasel didn't say a word.
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Old 11-01-2011, 10:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Unfortunately, I will survive, most cheaters are so poorly evolved in terms of integrity and emotional development(exhibit 1: that sickeningly pathetic missive he sent her) that they need the threat of consequences to start regretting their actions. Sad, isn't it. We were or are married to folks that do not have real consciences about this. Rather, it is strictly the consequences imposed that motivate them to stop.
That is why ,if you want this guy to stop, you have to arrange for consequences. Exposing does this.
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