First time posting here..
Hello! This is my first post to TAM, but I've been looking at it regularly for a couple of months and it has been so helpful when I thought I was losing my mind. Thank you to all the posters who have shared their knowledge and wisdom, I wished I had found it sooner! Well, my situation is that my husband of more than 30 years is having (at a minimum) an EA. I know this for a fact from what I have observed going on since the beginning of this year, including the texts and emails I have seen on his "crackpipe" (I mean his iphone). It would take a long time to tell the whole sad story, but here is the most recent thing I copied off his Iphone and emailed to myself, it was written by him in Sept to her ( I disguised a couple of things) :
Good morning!!!- Just landed in XXX. HER NAME HERE you have confirmed what I have known but have refused to accept. I have loved the dance that we have had and wanted just one last slow beautiful one to have and to hold that could sustain me for the rest of my life. I held this dream within my heart because as Roy Orbison said "I close my eyes, then I drift away, into the magic night. I softly say a silent prayer, like dreamers do, then I fall asleep to dream tmy dreams of you." But alas that shall not be. Sweet HER NAME HERE I can and will give up that dream. I will stop the tears that have rolled down my cheeks. The angst and drama will stop. But I will not and can not give up your friendship!! You know you are my best girlfriend!! You know I would do anything for you, but I will not carve you out of my heart. I need you in my life in order to have a life with any real meaning to it. To do otherwise would be a pain I could not bear. I have been searching for the right words to say. You see you have become part of the air that I breathe. SO, this is the man I have been married to for 30 plus years who says his life will have no real meaning without her and who dreams about her (I call her Kow, for short), who refuses to acknowledge to me what is really going on, and this is what he wrote to her on his way home from a business trip. What do you think the "dance" is? Sex? Oh by the way she is married with a nice family, but who knows, maybe they have problems. She lives here in our city and they frequently do civic things together, and get together at her house with her family, (so it seems innocent) and when he thinks I don't know. I am supposed to believe they are you know "Just Friends". From the tone of the email, do you think it's been physical already? It seems like she must have told him to back off or stay away, but knowing what I know already, I can't believe that will happen or trust him, or just sweep it away, and they continue to text each other and interact regularly. I can't figure out whether to bring it up with Kow and confront her. Mostly I am pretty distant around her when I am forced to see her in public. Do I tell him I have seen this? I think when/if I do, I will get the lies. At a minimum, I think my marriage is no longer what it was, and will never be the same again, and may not be fixable. I just started seeing a counselor, and will get her input tomorrow. Do I sound calm or cold? Yes, because I am calm right now, even though this breaks my heart and sometimes I don't sleep at night and I question the whole last 30 years of marriage, and I can't talk to anyone about this, and this whole year has been hell, knowing what has been going on and him just lying to me. My confidence is so shot. I forgot to add that Kow is about 20 years younger than me, and a knockout blonde, very well endowed, super vivacious, accomplished, beautiful family, pretty much everything I am not (me = the hard working like a dog wife, with integrity intact at least) I hate sounding like a whiney victim here. We are too well known in our community for me to talk to anyone other than the counselor. Thanks for any thoughts.