How did IC help you whilst coping witb infidelity

trudy · 11-01-2011, 08:00 PM

In short, how can I get the most out of my sessions. I do feel comfortable with the counsellor but wonder if I need to tell her to challenge me a bit more.

I've never had counselling before - I kind of feel I need to be setting goals with my counsellor so that I don't procrastinate and have to answer to the councellor next session as to why I haven't done stuff if that is the case.

I've just started having IC and whereas it's great to talk to someone I want to be sure I'm getting the most out of the sessions. I feel stiuck/frozen/in limbo with my marriage re affair suspicions and have been for some time and am desperate to move forward but somewhat afraid.

nice777guy · 11-02-2011, 08:41 AM

I've used therapy mostly to just talk through things that I don't think most other people would understand. I question how much she's really helped me - I certainly wouldn't say she's "challenged" me. But sometimes you just need someone to hear you and validate that what you feel is normal and Ok.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno · 11-02-2011, 09:07 AM

For me, I had relational issues with always having to justify anger that did not need to be justified because the triggers were unquestionably bad behavior of other people that I should not have accepted. Once I got over questioning myself about that, life became much easier.

However, in therapy you have to trust the therapist to know how best to help you. So you should not question what the therapist is doing or how it is done except if it is listed in the bunch of illegal stuff therapists should not do, or if it feels wrong, in which case you should tell the therapist it feels wrong.

Wrong doesn't mean uncomfortable.

Basically, the therapist opens windows in your vision or adjusts the way you experience and respond to the world. It's not so much a matter of fixing stuff that went wrong in the past, but changing the outlook on your future, and how you, as an individual who is always present in your life, will play an active part of that future.

A therapist is a good listener. You should feel better, but also you should come to a point where you can look back and identify lost opportunities to have avoided current problems....whatever they may be...and also, some sort of transferrence where you can give yourself the same empathy and listening that the therapist is giving you. By paying attention to the careful approach the therapist takes in listening, you can learn to listen to yourself, to what you really want to say or do, but didn't. Or how you might have acted out of fear or anxiety because of lack of insight, whatever that was caused by, and to address that problem too, if it exists...i.e. recognizing personal triggers.

Sometimes when you talk, someone might pick up on something that you missed completely! So talking is good, because what you choose to say when you are not censoring yourself (and to get your $$$ and time's worth, you absolutely should never censor yourself with a therapist!!!!), reveals the issues in surprising ways that will end up with you gaining quite a lot of personal power as you move forward.

If you are uncomfortable with your therapist for any reason, you need to discuss it with him/her.

Yes it is good to have goals. You can write them up as a rough draft. But after you do that, just put them away and only glance at them once in a while to see if they are still goals you are interested in moving towards. Otherwise, trust the therapist to help move you towards the goals. Once you have written them down they will motivate you subconsciously so you don't have to doggedly pursue them in a linear fashion. In fact, a curve could end up to be a shortcut. :-o

trudy · 11-02-2011, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nice777guy

... sometimes you just need someone to hear you and validate that what you feel is normal and Ok.

Yeah, it does help to talk and have someone listen and agree that you have not been unreasobnable and that you are not overly paranoid - I question myself all the time until I don't know which way is up. My IC says I need not be so hard and angry with myself and I hope I will achieve this in time.

trudy · 11-02-2011, 10:49 AM

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Because I now believe I have been too trusting/naive with my H I now question my own judgment of all people all the time and so perhaps I do need to relax a bit more give the IC a chance and not expect too much too soon.

Thanks for your take on changing future outlook and goals and not necessarily doggedly pursuing them in a linear fashion. I will try to bear this in mind going forward.

Shaggy · 05-05-2012, 04:06 PM

Btw it's total BS thst she is afraid of the bf. if she was afraid she wouldn't be cheating on him. Sounds like she's just trash and trying to guilt you into hiding her cheating ways.
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the guy · 05-05-2012, 04:14 PM

IC helped me understand that it wasn't my fault for my fWW adultory. IC helped me understand way I had an unhealthy marriage. That her adultory and my marriage are two completely different issues.

LoveMouse · 05-05-2012, 04:51 PM

When I did it I just needed to know what was crazy and what was right. My X told me women cheat, get used to it, she was right, I was depressed. In IC, I was able to get a fresh view of how life really is, not the view of a person w/ NPD. Before D day I had always listened to my wife, I was her's to command...it was a whole new world breaking apart from her. IC helped thru the whole thing.
Mouse

BigLiam · 05-05-2012, 05:10 PM

I really liked my therapist. He was a god guy and I could relate, as we had a similar backkground in college athletics to break the ice.
That said, I really got more out of the forums like this and from one friend I made on another forum, in particular.
I felt like I helped this guy and he helped me. We have become extremely good friends and will be for life.

LeighRichwood · 05-05-2012, 09:01 PM

Hi Trudy - I understand how you feel about your IC sessions. I had the same issue. I didn't want to be in counseling and not be moving forward and getting my money's worth. My first counselor helped me work through the pain in a loving way. She was understanding and patient.

I did reach a point where I needed more. I needed to stop being caught up in the unknown and the past. I eventually decided to find a new counselor who was more aggressive. He pushed me to get out of the rut I was in and take responsibility for who I wanted to be.

Both counselors gave me what I needed at that time. But part of what made it work for me was my own involvement in the process. I was dedicated to getting better and I did the work to make that happen. It's my feeling that if you don't take responsibility for getting better, you won't.

BigLiam · 05-05-2012, 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeighRichwood

Hi Trudy - I understand how you feel about your IC sessions. I had the same issue. I didn't want to be in counseling and not be moving forward and getting my money's worth. My first counselor helped me work through the pain in a loving way. She was understanding and patient.

I did reach a point where I needed more. I needed to stop being caught up in the unknown and the past. I eventually decided to find a new counselor who was more aggressive. He pushed me to get out of the rut I was in and take responsibility for who I wanted to be.

Both counselors gave me what I needed at that time. But part of what made it work for me was my own involvement in the process. I was dedicated to getting better and I did the work to make that happen. It's my feeling that if you don't take responsibility for getting better, you won't.

This is what my guy did, as well, He made me look at my issues which caused me to allow myself to be treated like dirt and which made me inclined to take blame for the actions of another.
We looked at FOO stuff and why this stuff caused me to take things others would have never accepted just to feel loved.