StrangerThanFiction

I agree with Arnold's post. This situation your wife is in is understandable given the stresses of nursing school. However, your concerns are not unfounded. And I disagree with the sentiment of the post that says to "say goodbye to your wife for 2 years until she finishes school"

Even though your wife may honestly view this relationship as platonic at this moment in time, it also has some potential to completely cross the line into a situation that could ultimately destroy your marriage. I don't think you need to be so apologetic for expressing your concern about outside influences that could hurt your marriage. She may even take this as your unspoken support of their continued friendship.

You expressed a feeling of lack of intimacy with your wife for some time. Have you talked with her about this to see if she feels the same way, and if so, what are some of the reasons for it?

A Bit Much

It should be noted that I don't agree with the sentiment either. I was just relaying what the nursing instructors do in fact tell their students in orientation. (In saying "we" it is in the context of the nursing school as a whole, not me personally)

nice777guy

The source was an administrator of a nursing program (who has since stated she disagrees with her own post - hence - left ME out to dry!!!). Why do you disagree? And on what basis?

I honestly think my wife was too busy and too stressed out to have an affair while she was in nursing school.

__________________
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity!" - Carlin

Hope1964

Arnold

Yes, that 2 year goodbye deal seems a little overly dramatic/over the top. I respect nurses, but this is not neurosurgical training. And, if it is that rigorous/demanding, then it is incumbent on your wife to be attentive to you, as you support her on her endeavor. Your scarifice is every bit a great and demanding as hers.
I would not go the VAR , Gps, Keylogger route yet. But, once you start reading the list of signs, be aware of what you are observing and analyze it.
You are not at this point, yet,(and, hopefully never will be), but if you reach a threshold where you are questioning your sanity and perceptions, the most effective/expedient way to find out for sure is by employing an experienced, reputable private investigator. it is not cheap, but, typically, yields fast, conclusive results.

A Bit Much

It's okay niceguy... I don't agree with it in the sense that I believe everything can have a balance, and really some people take this statement way out in left field... KWIM?

If you have support at home, you really do (as a nursing student) still have a horrible time prioritizing because nursing colors EVERYTHING!! No outings, no birthdays, no fun stuff.... only studying studying and more studying.

Gabriel

Yep, if they can be friendly and stick to the task at hand (nursing assignments, taking classes, stuff like that), then it's probably okay. But when she then stretches that into other things like running or other hobbies, she is playing with fire.

It is so easy for her to slip and say something about you to him, like, "I wish he would pick up after himself more," or, "He's been ignoring me lately." That's the next step here, and the first step to an affair.

Keep on the lookout, seek sex more often from your wife, buy her flowers, tell her she looks pretty, tell her you are proud of her, give her no reason to complain about you until nursing school is over.

Michael27

I appreciate the replies. The running didn't bother me much at first, but as a couple of you have put it, it adds up to concern.

I've been stewing on this for the past couple hours and I realize I need to talk about this more with my wife. "you have nothing to worry about" is not enough for me. I want to talk about what makes me uncomfortable. I DO NOT want to tell my wife what to do, I just want her to know how certain scenarios could make me feel, and how previous instances made me feel, and why. I don't think I want an explanation, I only want to let her know what boundaries I feel OK with.

I have a hard time thinking quickly on my feet. I have to process, it takes time for words and implications to sink in for me so I think I'm going to write down an outline of what I want to say, what I want to cover. I know that sounds weird, but if I don't it could take the conversation south, quickly.

My wife just texted me to tell me school is out early and she's on the way home, so, not enough time today to write up what I want to say.

We're going on a run before I pick the kids up from daycare , maybe I'll touch on the distant topic first, I don't need an "outline" to just talk. It's the topic of concern that I'll get flustered with and loose my train of thought, it'll come out wrong if I just wing it, I know myself well enough for that. No harm in waiting a couple more days. (I am self employed, some days are laid back (today) others are not (tomorrow)


All of you, thank you again. I read some very sincere and thoughtful replies. It's nice to have some feedback.

A Bit Much

Entire blogs and YouTube videos are dedicated to the 'Life of a Nursing Student'.

It's really something. My own daughter is 3 semesters away from her BSN. She's a nutcase. Thank goodness she doesn't have a husband or family while she's trying to do this. Taking care of her cat is challenging sometimes.

I'm happy to hear from her once every few weeks. Let's me know she hasn't completely lost her marbles yet.

nice777guy

In the interest of full disclosure - I will likely be divorced by January. There were EAs involved, but not until AFTER nursing school.

I DO - however - think that there was some distance created while she was in school that we never regained. That's why I suggest the OP focus on his marriage and not the fellow student.

If your wife is stressed about school - and you "nag" her about some guy she is really just studying with - you may push her away. I sure as hell wouldn't plant a voice recorder in her car or install a keylogger - especially if you have no firm reason to suspect that she is lying.

__________________
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity!" - Carlin

A Bit Much

I'm sorry to hear that niceguy.

And I do agree with you here:

Eli-Zor

Apply a simple rule , she is a married woman , as she has had an affair before she knows the boundaries , no friendships with members of the opposite sex . No matter how stressful nursing school is , she can choose a female friend to lean on not a male . You are not comfortable with this guy , she deletes his text messages that action is not appropriate and implies she is hiding something.

Stick to basics , if you were texting and engaging with a single young woman your wife would not be happy , apply the same guidelines to her , she should distance herself from him .
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Entropy3000

My EA started at work. We were in a highly stressful environment and we leaned on each other. So I do understand to get through school this is common, BUT it is also a tremendous incubator for extramrital meeting of needs. It is what it is. It is not a black and white world. She can lean on another female nurse. This is not a field that is lacking for female students. She should go out of her way to cultivate female friends. It is one thing to include him in the group but this is a one on one group of meeting needs. They are bonding. Innocent or not this is how EAs start. They are going through experiences together and relying on each other. You do the math. He has much to be concerned about.

The biggest red flags for me have been in his very Beta attitude towards it all. i.e. he feels bad for feeling jelaous. He feels bad for snooping. He is calling himself insecure. He is setting himself up. Moreover the relationship has been in bad repair. She is vulnerable to an affair because of the platonic state. When history re-writing begins it will be very easy for her to point out her marriage was failing. I think the scheduling of time and yes even sex together is a very positve thing.

The planets are very much aligned here. Lack of intimacy. Long distance from the spouse. Lots of out of class time tiogether. Texting when she is not there. All plausible. But all of that is building a bond that is likely to become a critical mass. Remeber that EAs are about chemicals. At some point it just feels right and they are not only friends but classmates.

Again, I suggest she find other female students to lean on and bond with. She is married. He is supporting her efforts in school. Let's hope when she is ready to graduate she does not decide to trade up with someone she met in school. It is one thing to support a wife in her education. Her time focused on other things. It is an entirely different thing to say good bye to her and have her needs met by another man while she is doing this.

A Bit Much

I don't recall the OP saying this guy was her only support in school. Likely he's the only guy in her class (female students outnumber the males). All of his support would be with the other women in his class and it's more common that these women are married with families. Non-tradional Nursing students are the majority here.

I'm not saying to ignore his feelings. He says he'll talk to her and tell her his fears, and as her husband he should be very open and clear with his concerns. That's what he should do.

Entropy3000

I guess I skimmed too much. She has already had an affair!?



So time to man-up and get more Alpha. You are going to need it buddy. Support her leginitmate efforst but do not be so passive as to not fight for your marriage.

Update:

Oh my lord .......

Well the first one was a previous girlfriend ... yes? Not your wife. That matters. So you are blaming yourself ... Stop being so Beta. That is not attractive. Go lift some weights.

Well the thing is she knows she can have this relationship with this single guy and you will forgive her anyway. Sure she may become romanticly involved with him for a sometime and maybe the two years. It is not certain that she will trade up with him or another. She may very well be able to have her school fling and move on. But if she does and you forgive her like a really nice guy would then she is setup up for the big show when she meets the AMOG Doctor.

Best to have clear boundaries now and not have to keep forgiving which is tacet approval for future affairs. Stop thinking you are being insecure. You have reason to be concerned.

Being ok with her male friend is going to pretty much enable her affair with him. She will see a very Beta male unwilling to stand his ground to rptect the marriage. Poor boundaries. So she will see this other guy as being a fitter male, especially if he makes a play for her. Unless her is gay he will indeed try to bed her if he is single. Bet your wife on that.