Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

Anyone else struggling with this? Maybe write a bit about how you were before it went bad, and who you are going to be now?

I find this difficult because we were so happy before, I really loved who we were as a couple and I guess I'm mourning the loss of that identity.

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post #2 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 12:53 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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Originally Posted by Emmi View Post
Anyone else struggling with this? Maybe write a bit about how you were before it went bad, and who you are going to be now?

I find this difficult because we were so happy before, I really loved who we were as a couple and I guess I'm mourning the loss of that identity.
I am not aware of what happened with you.

Can you please elucidate?

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post #3 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 05:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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I am not aware of what happened with you.

Can you please elucidate?
I didn't write anything specific about my situation because I wanted a general discussion with lots of different peoples experiences.

But since you asked... Me and my husband were/are perfect for each other. We fulfill each other and have fun together. I tend to overthink things and he tends to not always think things through. We are spontaneous, have a lot in common. But at the same time we have two vastly different things we are extremely passionate about. Our main goal is to help each other pursue our dreams and build a life together. We were this "innocent", cute, young couple who never argued and made things happen.

Then he had his health problems, lost the job of his dream, existential crisis, building up resentment, failed to communicate, pushed me away, got depressed, went on antidepressants, lost all emotions including his love for me, went on a road trip on his own, spent two nights with a girl with the same health issue as him self, cheated physically but with no actual sex and no feelings for her either, came home and wanted a divorce told me everything and was really mean and hurtful for a couple of months.

He got better and quit his antidepressants and fell back in love with me. We worked hard together through marriage counselling and has his own IC as well. Things got a lot better, we decided to get pregnant, and now my feelings are a bit all over the place.

I feel like we are fake, like our happiness is a charade, like our vows are invalid and I don't know who we are as a couple. We have the best relationship out of every one I know, we communicate better than anyone, so now I can't trust anything, I feel like a complete fraud when giving relationship advice to my sister, and I don't know if I'm happy or miserable. I don't want to be the couple who makes it against the odds, I don't want to be the fighters who can work their way through anything. I want the innocence and the pure happiness and complete trust back. I want to go back to being truly one.

I miss who we were and I don't know who we are... And why did this show up after I got pregnant, I don't want to blame my emotions on hormones, but I'm triggering worse, doubting more, have lots more mood swings... But I know he is the one I want, and I know he has learned from his seriously bad choices. I just don't know how to accept being so badly hurt by the person closest to me. We both had sh!tty pasts, and had finally reached happily ever after, the promised land... And I can't accept life getting sh!tty again...
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post #4 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 06:50 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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I want the innocence and the pure happiness and complete trust back. I want to go back to being truly one.

You are going to have to settle for less and endure some pain for a while. That does not mean that your life will be miserable it means that you are going to have to learn to live life like many of us have had to do. The innocence and 100% complete trust is not necessary to have good life and/or a good marriage. I know you do not want to hear that but the truth is not going away because you do not like it.

You say that your husband learned from his serious bad choices and that is good. Now, if he really wants to be responsible for his actions and if he really loves you then he has some work to do. He has to be fanatical about making you number one for a very long time. He is the one that betrayed you so if he is a real man then he will do what he has to do to build you back up. He is also going to be father so I would tell him no more cop-outs. He is not to live his life just for himself even if he has some bad luck along the way. Either he steps up to the plate and helps you or you can get over him and build your life in another way. Millions have done that and so can you.

You need to diligently seek all ways to get better, and then do it! Married life is very hard and only the serious, diligent, and strong will be a success. I did not make the rules of marriage but I just have observed those rules. I had nothing to do with my wife betraying me but I have a whole lot to do with me becoming more self-sufficient and getting myself better. Bottom line is that you have to take care of you because nobody can do for you as much as you can do for yourself.

If you both do your part then you can have a good and rich life even though you will have some bad times along the way. I do not want to be too blunt with you because you are freshly hurt but the bottom line is that this life is no bed of roses but you can make it a good life. You can survive if you strive and you can have a lot more good times than bad times if you get the right advice then you DO IT!!!
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post #5 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 07:43 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

I would suggest couple's counselling.

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post #6 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 07:51 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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Originally Posted by Emmi View Post
Anyone else struggling with this? Maybe write a bit about how you were before it went bad, and who you are going to be now?

I find this difficult because we were so happy before, I really loved who we were as a couple and I guess I'm mourning the loss of that identity.
Well sadly you are going to have to admit that that marriage is dead. What you have now is a new marriage with a third party, the affair. Like it or not that will be a part of your marriage from now on. Because of all that, of course you are mourning. Infidelity is like a death. I wish I could tell you different but from everything I have experienced and read that is just the way it is.


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I want the innocence and the pure happiness and complete trust back..
You will never have the innocence again, especially not with him, you may have happiness, and some form of trust, although some would argue that trusting a cheater is like making a drunk your chauffeur. I know all of this is hard but I believe in clarity. Everything you've written is all common to people who have been cheated on. There is no smoking gun here, just hard, hard work. I wish I could tell you different but I don't want to give you false hope.

Last edited by sokillme; 07-04-2016 at 07:56 PM.
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post #7 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 08:00 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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You are going to have to settle for less and endure some pain for a while. That does not mean that your life will be miserable it means that you are going to have to learn to live life like many of us have had to do. The innocence and 100% complete trust is not necessary to have good life and/or a good marriage. I know you do not want to hear that but the truth is not going away because you do not like it.

You say that your husband learned from his serious bad choices and that is good. Now, if he really wants to be responsible for his actions and if he really loves you then he has some work to do. He has to be fanatical about making you number one for a very long time. He is the one that betrayed you so if he is a real man then he will do what he has to do to build you back up. He is also going to be father so I would tell him no more cop-outs. He is not to live his life just for himself even if he has some bad luck along the way. Either he steps up to the plate and helps you or you can get over him and build your life in another way. Millions have done that and so can you.

You need to diligently seek all ways to get better, and then do it! Married life is very hard and only the serious, diligent, and strong will be a success. I did not make the rules of marriage but I just have observed those rules. I had nothing to do with my wife betraying me but I have a whole lot to do with me becoming more self-sufficient and getting myself better. Bottom line is that you have to take care of you because nobody can do for you as much as you can do for yourself.

If you both do your part then you can have a good and rich life even though you will have some bad times along the way. I do not want to be too blunt with you because you are freshly hurt but the bottom line is that this life is no bed of roses but you can make it a good life. You can survive if you strive and you can have a lot more good times than bad times if you get the right advice then you DO IT!!!
Something that is not much said on here but always should be-

or you can move on and have a relationship with someone else who hasn't betrayed you. A relationship without an affair in the middle of it. There is not shame in that. Most people who move on will tell you they are happy. There are threads on here in fact.
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post #8 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 10:40 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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By Sokillme
……you can move on and have a relationship with someone else who hasn't betrayed you
My guess is that the OP knows that and has thought of that. By the quote below, the OP seems to want the marriage to get better a so they can stay together.

Quote:
Quote of OP
... But I know he is the one I want, and I know he has learned from his seriously bad choices. I just don't know how to accept being so badly hurt by the person closest to me
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post #9 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 10:50 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
I am not aware of what happened with you.

Can you please elucidate?
Eh?Lucid Data?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #10 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:06 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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Then he had his health problems.

He got better and quit his antidepressants and fell back in love with me. ...
Can this health problem loom large in your future?

Is it psychological, maybe manic depressive? Mental breakdown?

Is alcohol or other drugs a factor?

It sounds like he lost control of himself.

I ask because his "problem" may return...knock the new legs out from your marriage...again.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #11 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:12 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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My guess is that the OP knows that and has thought of that. By the quote below, the OP seems to want the marriage to get better a so they can stay together.

I wasn't trying to discount your advice, sorry if it seemed that way. I just think lots of time BS operate out of fear. Helping deal with that fear and letting them feel more comfortable of the options is a good thing.
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post #12 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:13 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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Can this health problem loom large in your future?

Is it psychological, maybe manic depressive? Mental breakdown?

Is alcohol or other drugs a factor?

It sounds like he lost control of himself.

I ask because his "problem" may return...knock the new legs out from your marriage...again.
From her other thread, he has ehlers danlos syndrome.
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post #13 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:28 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

I'm sorry you have been hurt by adultery, Emmi. You will never forget what your husband did. There is nothing either of you can do to make it like it never happened. You do need time to heal, but you will not be the same person when you are as healed as you can be...you can end up a better person, or a bitter person. It will take a while for you to sort out what everything means to you (you know what I mean...everything) but in time, you will know.

Your husband made some very bad choices. You now know what he is capable of when he is not doing the best he can do. He did the unthinkable, and now you don't know if you can ever trust him. Don't get in a hurry. Trust once broken takes a long, long time to be rebuilt. It is your husband's job to be trustworthy, patient, consistent, and hang in there through your ups and downs while he earns your trust back....if he ever can. That is for you to decide. Give yourself and him time. It is a maze, but you will get out of it eventually.
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post #14 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:32 PM
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

Emmi one other thing, you need to have an identity that is not completely tied up in your marriage. It is great that that is a part of your identity but if you make it your whole identity when something goes wrong you are stuck in an a full blown identity crisis like right now.
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post #15 of 46 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 02:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Finding a new identity as a couple during reconciliation

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Emmi one other thing, you need to have an identity that is not completely tied up in your marriage. It is great that that is a part of your identity but if you make it your whole identity when something goes wrong you are stuck in an a full blown identity crisis like right now.
I feel confident in my own identity, and have several things to tie my own identity too, both in my interests and personality. I know who I am and who I want to be. Sure I found that identity in the duration of our marriage, but I am still that person if I didn't have my marriage.

I am really glad I have found this security in who I am, because that has provided a lot of strength and determination during these tough times. I refuse to let his actions change who I am.

I don't think of my identity and the identity of our relationship as the same, and it's the latter I'm struggling with. His infidelity was caused by his problems and he was lacking a whole lot of stuff to prevent him from doing what he did, and he is working on those things. We both liked who we are/were as a couple, and I wish we could just hold on to that identity, but somehow it just feels fake...
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