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Affair Helpers and CoHorts

139K views 510 replies 78 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
Hey all,

Been a while since I've been on here. My wife of 20 + years had an affair that started about 6 years ago. It was on again off again for close to 3 years to one level or another for a variety of reasons, the primary one being I didn't have the balls to take a hard stand against her behavior. When I finally got educated, in large part to TAM, and got my head out of my ass and was ready to walk she woke up out of her fog and for the most part things have been improving in our marriage the last several years. In a weird way the affair made me grow on a personal level in ways I never would have otherwise.

The reason I am posting today is because we are having a 4th of July gathering at our house. A husband, his wife, and their son are coming over. The husband was one of my wife's confidants during the affair. This guy never comes across my radar in day to day life. My wife used to work with him and is friends still with him as well as his wife. I know he thinks I don't like him because of the fact he was my wife's confidant during he affair and he's right. I don't like him. In years past from my wife I got the "it's not that he wanted me to be with the other guy it's that he wanted what's best for me, what makes me happy". And of course the reason for this was my wife painted me as the monster bad guy at home to justify her actions. This guy and his family have been in my house a few times in the last few years and I just ignore him. I caught communication between this guy and my wife that showed he was a big cheering section for her and advised her to go be with this other man. So yeah, I don't like him.

We also do things from time to time with my wife's best friend and her husband. Her best friend helped her a lot during the affair as in helped her communicate with the other man, etc. Again my wife portrayed me as the bad guy which as we all know the wandering spouse is good at doing in order to justify their behavior and get others in their court.

So I don't take many things personally anymore, just no point to it. But I've been thinking it's time to take a stand on having interaction with either of these 2 people who to one degree or another helped my wife with her affair. I know the hard liners will say anyone who helped facilitate an affair should be cut out completely and I understand that. On one level I don't give a crap because it's wasted negative energy but another part of me says I should take a harder stand here.

I'd enjoy hearing others thoughts and experience in this. Thanks in advance and have great holiday.
 
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#2 ·
I would be so very tempted to ask his wife how she felt about her husband being an enabler of your wife's affair?

I mean, she needs to know the mindset of her husband in case he should ever think about cheating on her, right?

I am not suggesting you should do this, but the very knowledge you could do this might give you a psychological edge on him.
 
#3 ·
The affair supporters should have been cut out of your life and marriage as a condition of staying married - 6 years ago.

I would take a stand now. Let your wife know that being around these two people and anyone else who supported her affair causes you anger and pain still. That you never want to see them or have them in your home again. Tell her every time you see them it is like ripping the bandaid off again.
 
#4 ·
I'll toe the hard line. If they haven't gotten there yet, call and cancel. If they are there, pull your wife aside and tell her that they have to leave and why.

Your wife shouldn't like them either. Decent people don't give the advice they gave. I have used the words "you need to be happy, that is what I want for you." But it was only in the context of divorce or work it out. I would never say cheat.

What makes you think they won't cheerlead another affair? You already know their morals'
 
#5 ·
His dismissal from your life should have been a condition for R, as with all toxic/enabling persons of the affair.

The more interesting question is why this was not a condition of the R at the time R was agreed upon.

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#6 ·
Yep, it's a little late. Make up some lie and tell them. After all, didn't they lie to you? Who cares what they think? You know what they think of you already. Remove them from your life. Remove your wife, too, with a divorce, if she doesn't agree. She should be fully remorseful, understanding and have your back.
 
#7 ·
So I don't take many things personally anymore, just no point to it. But I've been thinking it's time to take a stand on having interaction with either of these 2 people who to one degree or another helped my wife with her affair. I know the hard liners will say anyone who helped facilitate an affair should be cut out completely and I understand that. On one level I don't give a crap because it's wasted negative energy but another part of me says I should take a harder stand here.

I'd enjoy hearing others thoughts and experience in this. Thanks in advance and have great holiday.
My thoughts:
Why does your wife invite people you don't like?
That they were enablers of her affair makes it only worse.
What does your wife think about this situation, what does she think about you and your feelings regarding this? Does she care?
 
#8 · (Edited)
Cowboy,

Toxic friends should be removed/booted from your FWW life, period. It seems these in question not only knew of her affair(s), they facilitated and encouraged it. Time for the boot.

A number of my FWW's best friends knew she was having an affair. Most had cheated on their H before and were divorced or separated. Her best friend (co-worker, I call Toxicity) had even had an affair with the same OM my wife was sleeping with. All very pretty and smiling on the outside, "Shiny Happy People", Toxic as plutonium.
 
#9 ·
If you don't have the balls to tell him and your wife, just accidentally shoot a few roman candles near him, set off an M80 or three near him and have an accident with his burger or steak. Chicken **it in my book, but effective.
 
#10 · (Edited)
I see why you were cheated on brother (and likely will again).

So I don't take many things personally anymore, just no point to it. But I've been thinking it's time to take a stand on having interaction with either of these 2 people who to one degree or another helped my wife with her affair. I know the hard liners will say anyone who helped facilitate an affair should be cut out completely and I understand that. On one level I don't give a crap because it's wasted negative energy but another part of me says I should take a harder stand here.
Classic doormat logic. No More Mister Nice Guy (Get the book!).

You are still trying to be cordial with people who are enemies. Yes, you heard me, enemies! I would be afraid to invite this man and his wife to my home. Aggravated assault, grievous harm, aggravated battery are a few charges that come to mind. Locate your testicles and cancel that event.

If I come off harsh, don't take it personal, but you really need to put an end to this.
 
#11 ·
Dump them.

And let your wife tell them why, in your presence. They should have already been gone.

And, as Matt says I would be so very tempted to ask his wife how she felt about her husband being an enabler of your wife's affair?


If your wife doesn't like it, it means she values them over you.
 
#13 ·
This piece of cr@p and all other enablers/supporters should have been removed from your life 6 years ago (as others have been rightly telling you).

In any case, get rid of him from your life and if you do it make sure his wife and others who know him, know why. Explain that its not that you wish him harm but really wish that his spouse and others that know him get to know for their own good! No really - kick him out of your lives and warn him that there will be consequences should he ever contact your wife again.
 
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#14 ·
Maybe I'm crazy, but if my DH had an affair and invited those who knew of and encouraged the affair to my home, I'd personally tell them they are not welcome in my home and exactly why they are not welcome in my home. And, if DH had a problem with that, he'd be free to leave with them.
 
#16 ·
Pretty much the responses I had expected and really what feels right.

For the record I am a huge believe in NMMNG. That book changed my life in a lot of ways.

I don't see things in quite the same black/white. I go more on my gut which is they shouldn't be involved in my life in any form.

The interesting reaction will be when I tell my wife I won't have her best friend in our lives anymore. I don't care what will happen but it will be interesting to see. Gotta wonder if it loses some of it's value after the years.
 
#17 ·
First and foremost, it's about you. Secondarily, it will be interesting to see what your wife's reaction will be.

This is about respecting you and, if your wife doesn't respect you, she cannot love you.
 
#22 ·
I caught communication between this guy and my wife that showed he was a big cheering section for her and advised her to go be with this other man.
I get you reconciled with your wife, but seriously, wtf? You allow this man into your house?

Why is your wife still friends with this dude?

I don't understand folk seriously. Sorry guy, I'm going to duck out of this one.
 
#24 ·
You're one of those Mr. nice guys Right... In your story you finally did something that showed her that you were strong at least enough to snap her out of her fog...This is a complete disrespect you by the way on so many levels. She want to strong man in her life. This could set you back.! How dare she even think to even staying friends with this POS shame on you for a week stance on something that you already knew was not right. Seems to me your wife's immersed into her fog Fantasy life. This POS is laughing at you. That would be it for me and I wouldn't physically remove him from my house with extreme prejudice.

OP take back control of your life ASAP get your balls back tell your wife they are not going to be in your life in any capacity. STOP being afraid of her. she's the one that went and had an affair.! she supposed be doing the right things to make things right with you. For all you know he could've been an OM a at one point or another, you know how these cheaters lie.! Don't think for one minute, you absolutely know the whole truth about everything, when it comes to her affair's
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#25 ·
Friend and family have been uninvited to the holiday event. I told my wife he is no longer allowed in my house.

Initial response was "He just wanted me to be happy". I also heard she "didn't remember" the few words of support in her endeavors I refreshed her memory on.

I told her what you remember is irrelevant, it's what I remember that's important here. I told her I'd be happy to call his wife and let him know the reason I don't want him at the house. She called shortly after.
 
#30 ·
Friend and family have been uninvited to the holiday event. I told my wife he is no longer allowed in my house.

Initial response was "He just wanted me to be happy". I also heard she "didn't remember" the few words of support in her endeavors I refreshed her memory on.

I told her what you remember is irrelevant, it's what I remember that's important here. I told her I'd be happy to call his wife and let him know the reason I don't want him at the house. She called shortly after.
Did she just uninvite them or did she explain to the wife why. If she didn't explain why, it's a job only half done. Without the explanation why, you just look like a controlling jerk, exactly how your wife portrayed during the A.

Tell the wife how her husband supported your W as she cheated on you.
 
#26 ·
That's the way! No craziness, just the way it will be as long as you are in her life. Consequences suck sometimes. Oh well...tough.

Now, suck it up and have a good time with her. That will show you aren't doing it to hurt her, but to set boundaries.

Have a great day Cowboy2!
 
#27 ·
OP,
During her A how would you describe your W's character? How would you describe the character of her best friend and that of her co-worker. If her character has truly changed then what does she now have in common with people of such low morality? I would consider this carefully as it may prove to be very important.

Ask yourself why a person who has grown in character would want to associate with those who have not, then ask the same question of yourself.
 
#63 ·
I want to address this as it gives me something to think about in a new way. I would say during her A she was in a very strange place. She has had depression to varying levels for many years. She has taken anti-depressants for a few years now and it's made a big difference. She was incredible self-involved during this time. She doesn't see her best friend in a way that she promoted the affair. She sees her best friend as someone that will have her back (and the other way around) no matter what.

I would say my wife did not do the full on drop to her knees type remorse mode. She knows what she did was incredibly wrong and hurtful and has made and continues to make ongoing strong effort in rebuilding the marriage. She knows she destroyed trust on a deep level and that full trust will never be restored. It's not possible after the person you feel should be there for you through thick and thin gaslights you to your face in order to get another fix.
 
#29 ·
You did the right thing.....today.

Now, what about tomorrow? If you ever relax the new rule, allow any contact to go without consequence or repercussion you will have lost the ground you gained today.

Remember..its not about her or the other couple...its about what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate.
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#31 ·
As others have said, I think it would be a good idea for you to ask your wife to explain why she is ending the friendship.

First, so that you don't come off as a controlling jerk. If they believe you are a controlling jerk and she contacts them again, they'll reinforce her bs because they have no other point of view to consider.

Second, consequences. For both her and for them. Social consequences are important. Outside of what is covered in the law, society is responsible for behavior. If neither they or your wife suffer any consequences for their actions, how will they learn not to repeat them?
 
#32 ·
If it is important to you socially and in terms of appearance...send both of them an email and cc your wife..

Keep it positive...something like...as we continue our successful reconciliation, its important to distance ourselves from negative influences..both former and current. We have valed our friendship with you, but it is time to move on.

Thank you for supporting our decision and wishes..

Or something like that
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