Affair Helpers and CoHorts - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 04:50 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

As others have said, I think it would be a good idea for you to ask your wife to explain why she is ending the friendship.

First, so that you don't come off as a controlling jerk. If they believe you are a controlling jerk and she contacts them again, they'll reinforce her bs because they have no other point of view to consider.

Second, consequences. For both her and for them. Social consequences are important. Outside of what is covered in the law, society is responsible for behavior. If neither they or your wife suffer any consequences for their actions, how will they learn not to repeat them?

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post #32 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 05:08 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

If it is important to you socially and in terms of appearance...send both of them an email and cc your wife..

Keep it positive...something like...as we continue our successful reconciliation, its important to distance ourselves from negative influences..both former and current. We have valed our friendship with you, but it is time to move on.

Thank you for supporting our decision and wishes..

Or something like that
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post #33 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 05:17 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
ExLax is your friend.
Yes.

But you need to also take a hard-stool softener. These characters will not exit with out a stretch, a scratch and a groan.

Onerous, they be.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #34 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 05:22 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Cowboy: You mention that your wife would bash you to others. Has she apologized for doing that? Further, has she enumerated all that spewed lies to, and corrected the record with them?

She should be doing this in a fashion that indicates that she is doing this willingly and not forced by you. Unwillingness to do this should cause you pause in the choice to reconcile.
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post #35 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 05:24 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Yes.

But you need to also take a hard-stool softener. These characters will not exit with out a stretch, a scratch and a groan.

Onerous, they be.
I think mineral oil helps with motility, as well. Maybe combining the two would help those characters to move more quickly?

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post #36 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 05:48 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

The fact that your WW has kept this person in her life speaks volumes as to how little respect she has for you.

As does the fact that she had an affair for multiple years.

She even has the balls to still socialize with him and bring him to your house !!

Dude seriously time to walk from the shame marriage.
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post #37 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 06:04 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

We all have friends outside of our marriage, people we knew before our spouse, people at work or people from hobbies. However, not all of these people are going to be invited to your home, this should be reserved for friends of the relationship. A friend of the relationship would have advised her to fix the relationship or end it honorably.
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post #38 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 06:24 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Friend and family have been uninvited to the holiday event. I told my wife he is no longer allowed in my house.
Way to go my man.
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post #39 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 09:38 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Originally Posted by Cowboy2 View Post
Friend and family have been uninvited to the holiday event. I told my wife he is no longer allowed in my house.

Initial response was "He just wanted me to be happy". I also heard she "didn't remember" the few words of support in her endeavors I refreshed her memory on.

I told her what you remember is irrelevant, it's what I remember that's important here. I told her I'd be happy to call his wife and let him know the reason I don't want him at the house. She called shortly after.
You've already resolved this correctly. I just wanted to say you did a good job here. The easy smell test with situations like this is if it feels wrong to you, then it's wrong. Obviously Ms. Cheaterpants doesn't have a good compass to what's right and wrong right now so it'll be best to defer to your judgment on these issues. Maybe someday she'll figure out right and wrong and if/when that day comes then she can have some input in these matters.
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post #40 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 09:48 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Hey all,

Been a while since I've been on here. My wife of 20 + years had an affair that started about 6 years ago. It was on again off again for close to 3 years to one level or another for a variety of reasons, the primary one being I didn't have the balls to take a hard stand against her behavior. When I finally got educated, in large part to TAM, and got my head out of my ass and was ready to walk she woke up out of her fog and for the most part things have been improving in our marriage the last several years. In a weird way the affair made me grow on a personal level in ways I never would have otherwise.

The reason I am posting today is because we are having a 4th of July gathering at our house. A husband, his wife, and their son are coming over. The husband was one of my wife's confidants during the affair. This guy never comes across my radar in day to day life. My wife used to work with him and is friends still with him as well as his wife. I know he thinks I don't like him because of the fact he was my wife's confidant during he affair and he's right. I don't like him. In years past from my wife I got the "it's not that he wanted me to be with the other guy it's that he wanted what's best for me, what makes me happy". And of course the reason for this was my wife painted me as the monster bad guy at home to justify her actions. This guy and his family have been in my house a few times in the last few years and I just ignore him. I caught communication between this guy and my wife that showed he was a big cheering section for her and advised her to go be with this other man. So yeah, I don't like him.

We also do things from time to time with my wife's best friend and her husband. Her best friend helped her a lot during the affair as in helped her communicate with the other man, etc. Again my wife portrayed me as the bad guy which as we all know the wandering spouse is good at doing in order to justify their behavior and get others in their court.

So I don't take many things personally anymore, just no point to it. But I've been thinking it's time to take a stand on having interaction with either of these 2 people who to one degree or another helped my wife with her affair. I know the hard liners will say anyone who helped facilitate an affair should be cut out completely and I understand that. On one level I don't give a crap because it's wasted negative energy but another part of me says I should take a harder stand here.

I'd enjoy hearing others thoughts and experience in this. Thanks in advance and have great holiday.
Guy wouldn't be in my house eating my food. I would also have given him a piece of my mind. Why because he deserved it. He was probably trying to get to your wife. Does his wife know? Frankly I would bring it up in front of his wife. Don't be passive man, haven't you learned already? Defend your turf. Your wife may act all upset but secretly she will like it.

***Never mind seems you already followed my advice.


Last edited by sokillme; 07-04-2016 at 09:59 PM.
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post #41 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 09:55 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Originally Posted by Cowboy2 View Post
Friend and family have been uninvited to the holiday event. I told my wife he is no longer allowed in my house.

Initial response was "He just wanted me to be happy". I also heard she "didn't remember" the few words of support in her endeavors I refreshed her memory on.

I told her what you remember is irrelevant, it's what I remember that's important here. I told her I'd be happy to call his wife and let him know the reason I don't want him at the house. She called shortly after.
Call his wife anyway, she deserves to know. "I am sorry I had to dis-invite you Mrs. So-an-so, but I feel like you husband was a hindrance to my marriage when my wife was having her affair your husband seemed to be encouraging it. Just want you to know I have nothing against you or you fine sons."

Maybe that's just me, but the older I get the less I care about being nice, I care about clarity.

Last edited by sokillme; 07-05-2016 at 10:45 AM.
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post #42 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 10:21 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Good job Cowboy.

I hate to say it, but did you also tell your wife you are not comfortable with this man (or any other person who encouraged her affair) in her life in ANY way?
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post #43 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 10:38 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Originally Posted by Cowboy2 View Post
I also heard she "didn't remember" the few words of support in her endeavors I refreshed her memory on.

I told her what you remember is irrelevant, it's what I remember that's important here.
For a fact... when the panties hit the floor the memory goes out the window. Damn... I must of heard "I really don't remember" a 1000 times over from my WW.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #44 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 10:56 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Good job. I don't allow snakes in my house.

Just for the record they'd be blocked and no contact either. Period. Wife and kids.
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post #45 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 03:48 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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I'm sorry Matt. I don't know what kind of love that would be, if it isn't associated with respect for him? Lose respect for the man, she loses attraction and love. That's the way I understand it. I wouldn't want a woman who didn't respect me. I wouldn't want to be with a woman I didn't respect. It's that simple for me.
There are people who can compartmentalise so effectively that it is as if they are two separate people.

Of course, when the cheater spouse and the kind, loving spouse collide for whatever reason there is a terrible kaboom! and then there is the fallout when they realise they are a cheating POS.

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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