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post #61 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 11:09 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Or she got caught and couldn't deal with the consequences of her actions.
Not entirely certain what point you are making?

Because what you said does not mean that the idea of people compartmentalising is not a valid concept.

Incidentally it became apparent that the compartmentalisation of the mind of Morituri's wife began when she was a child and was subjected to severe and prolonged sexual abuse by, I seem to recall, a close family member.


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post #62 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Not entirely certain what point you are making?

Because what you said does not mean that the idea of people compartmentalising is not a valid concept.

Incidentally it became apparent that the compartmentalisation of the mind of Morituri's wife began when she was a child and was subjected to severe and prolonged sexual abuse by, I seem to recall, a close family member.
the point I am making is compartmentalisation is just a very long word for "good at lying".
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post #63 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 11:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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OP,
During her A how would you describe your W's character? How would you describe the character of her best friend and that of her co-worker. If her character has truly changed then what does she now have in common with people of such low morality? I would consider this carefully as it may prove to be very important.

Ask yourself why a person who has grown in character would want to associate with those who have not, then ask the same question of yourself.
I want to address this as it gives me something to think about in a new way. I would say during her A she was in a very strange place. She has had depression to varying levels for many years. She has taken anti-depressants for a few years now and it's made a big difference. She was incredible self-involved during this time. She doesn't see her best friend in a way that she promoted the affair. She sees her best friend as someone that will have her back (and the other way around) no matter what.

I would say my wife did not do the full on drop to her knees type remorse mode. She knows what she did was incredibly wrong and hurtful and has made and continues to make ongoing strong effort in rebuilding the marriage. She knows she destroyed trust on a deep level and that full trust will never be restored. It's not possible after the person you feel should be there for you through thick and thin gaslights you to your face in order to get another fix.
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post #64 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 11:55 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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I want to address this as it gives me something to think about in a new way. I would say during her A she was in a very strange place. She has had depression to varying levels for many years. She has taken anti-depressants for a few years now and it's made a big difference. She was incredible self-involved during this time. She doesn't see her best friend in a way that she promoted the affair. She sees her best friend as someone that will have her back (and the other way around) no matter what.

I would say my wife did not do the full on drop to her knees type remorse mode. She knows what she did was incredibly wrong and hurtful and has made and continues to make ongoing strong effort in rebuilding the marriage. She knows she destroyed trust on a deep level and that full trust will never be restored. It's not possible after the person you feel should be there for you through thick and thin gaslights you to your face in order to get another fix.
She says this because she doesn't want to give her up. She is choosing her over the marriage.

There has to be limits on how much of her 'back' she has. Murder, theft?

Do you see the friend as supporting the affair? If you do, that's all that matters.

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post #65 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 11:57 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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She sees her best friend as someone that will have her back (and the other way around) no matter what.
Encouraging someone about an affair is not having their back, it's toxic.

You wife hasn't done "remorseful" because she has no concept of what she has done, mostly because you have not really given her any consequences. Has she done IC? I don't believe in reconciliation much, but I really don't believe it without the "come to Jesus moment."

Question for you what is the benefit for you to stay married to a person like this? Is it just a "Sunk cost fallacy"?
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post #66 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 12:16 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Her friend is toxic to your marriage. If your wife was serial killing or shooting heroin would this friend have her back? A true friend would have told her that she might be ruining the best part of her life and she needs to pull her head out of her butt and knock it off. I have told a couple of my good friends that very thing when they were wading into affairs. Both of them did knock it off and both later thanked me. That's "having their back" and I hope they'd do the same for me.
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post #67 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 12:36 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

In some ways the toxic friends that help with the affair are as bad as the affair partner, it was in my case.

It took some underhanded tactics to get one of them out of our lives.
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post #68 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 12:42 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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I want to address this as it gives me something to think about in a new way. I would say during her A she was in a very strange place. She has had depression to varying levels for many years. She has taken anti-depressants for a few years now and it's made a big difference. She was incredible self-involved during this time. She doesn't see her best friend in a way that she promoted the affair. She sees her best friend as someone that will have her back (and the other way around) no matter what.

I would say my wife did not do the full on drop to her knees type remorse mode. She knows what she did was incredibly wrong and hurtful and has made and continues to make ongoing strong effort in rebuilding the marriage. She knows she destroyed trust on a deep level and that full trust will never be restored. It's not possible after the person you feel should be there for you through thick and thin gaslights you to your face in order to get another fix.



Perhaps you could just become a major a$$hat, when they come over put the two who supported the affair on one side of the room wither their spouses. Everybody else including you and your wife on the other side of the room. Then say everybody who encourages, supports, and "has their back" for an affair move to the other side of the room. Watch as nobody on your side moves, and the two spouses in the other side will most likely move to your side. If either of the two friends try to come over to your side, call them out. Tell them they have done this with your wife. I think your friends should know as well to keep those two POS's away from their marriages. Just my opinion.

Your wife is far from drop on her knees remorseful, as said in another post this friend comes before your marriage. By her keeping these friends shows she thinks nothing of your pain. By her keeping these friends is in no way rebuilding her marriage. Your wife needs to start trying a little harder.
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post #69 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 01:05 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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I want to address this as it gives me something to think about in a new way. I would say during her A she was in a very strange place. She has had depression to varying levels for many years. She has taken anti-depressants for a few years now and it's made a big difference. She was incredible self-involved during this time. She doesn't see her best friend in a way that she promoted the affair. She sees her best friend as someone that will have her back (and the other way around) no matter what.

I would say my wife did not do the full on drop to her knees type remorse mode. She knows what she did was incredibly wrong and hurtful and has made and continues to make ongoing strong effort in rebuilding the marriage. She knows she destroyed trust on a deep level and that full trust will never be restored. It's not possible after the person you feel should be there for you through thick and thin gaslights you to your face in order to get another fix.
So would you say that she has FULL and complete remorse, Cowboy?

I went back and read your old thread.

When you stopped posting, she was FAR from remorseful.....and in fact you were not even quite sure if you knew the full extent of what had even occurred in the A.

And in your first post in this update, you mentioned that the A lasted for 6 years 'at varying levels'......that is far longer than what you believed when you first came here.

Were the extra years because the A continued until relatively recently?

Or did you discover it had started a lot earlier?

In other words, is she relatively recently remorseful and you have just begun R?.....or has R been in process for a while now?

If R has been going on for a good time now, it is more disturbing IMO that she was keeping these people around.....that would seem to me that she was really stalled in her remorse and working on her issues, like she felt she has done enough because she feels your M is 'fixed' now and she has no more work to do.

Are you sure that her remorse is not only the appearance of being enough to keep you from filing for D?

Has she ever been COMPLETELY honest about the details and extent of her betrayal?.....or did/does she continue to hide this info from you, and leave you with questions as to what really went on?
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post #70 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 01:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Cowboy2

I read your opening post and nothing else. If this has been said please forgive me for duplicating advice. I see some problems here, and they will come back to haunt you. If your wife has kept these people in her life, well, she isn't remorseful. A person who is completely remorseful will feel your pain, they won't try to add more pain to what you already feel. Yes, I used the word try, because your wife is actually trying to hurt you by keeping cheerleaders to her bad choices. Seems she has made another bad choice by keeping communication going even after six years. My take on your wife is she might be regretful of the affair, but I think she is more sorry she was caught then anything.

You might want to reevaluate your reconciliation. You might want to establish new boundaries. At the very least you pull each of these two aside and explain your wife lied, they fell for it, but advising one to gain happiness by cheating is just too ignorant of advice that you can't remain in any form of communication. As you walk them to the door be sure to mention how nice it was that they advised your wife to have an affair to their spouses.

It seems like your wife went to many to justify her affair, by chance has she also told her family she had an affair. If she did, did they also enable her or advise her she should be happy? Just curious.
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Great words of wisdom here, thank you. I think in many ways she is remorseful for what she did. She knows the hurt and pain it caused. She never did the drop to her knees type remorseful actions. I do see ongoing steady strong actions by her to rebuild the marriage in many areas but I also think she is not able to be truly empathetic. I just don't know if that particular chip got made with her model. When I told her that the deepest cut and the one that has forever changed my ability to completely trust anyone was when I was in my deep dark pit and she knew it she did nothing to try to repair things then and there. If anything she used that to her own advantage. She knows how I feel about that. I own my actions and obviously I am still with her.

I agree I need to take a deeper look at the reconcilliation and establish some new boundries.

My family and her family know of her affair. During it she told her mom that I was controlling and her mother did something I am still astounded by to this day.

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post #71 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 01:22 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Which is what?

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post #72 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 01:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

The affair wasn't 6 years unless it's still going on now. It was on/off for 3 years. From what I know it was mainly an affair for about a year. Then there may have been something going on for year 2 but nothing I ever discovered. Towards the end of what would have been the 3rd year I finally called the guys wife and told her about it. She actually knew already. After I spoke with her POS called me 10 minutes later and said he "hadn't touched her in 2 years" for whatever that means. He said they'd email every once in a while which may be the extend of it or may not. My wife said they were benign (LOL) but mysteriously couldn't produce the emails to back up her story, even from her sent folder.
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post #73 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 01:28 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
the point I am making is compartmentalisation is just a very long word for "good at lying".
I've got to agree with this comment, as I feel the same way. It's not always lying, but it certainly does allow for that.

It can be an amazing ability for someone who multi-tasks and can file things away for future use, and call the information up when needed.

I'm married to a high-functioning compartmentalizer. It's very good for her job, for her working mother status, for family planning and events, her ability to achieve work life balance etc.

It's not necessarily a bad thing to be married to a high-functioning compartmentalizer.

However, this compartmentalization bit me in the a$$ when it was turned to an affair. She was able to be with me. She was able to be with him. Outside of one conversation we had while she was in the middle of the affair, I had no idea. She was indeed that good.

The conversation she had with me was the old 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' speech. It came out word for word, and was about half-way through the timeline of the affair. Had I then known then what I do now, I would have attacked like a SOB right then and there. I was too naïve to understand it.

Compartmentalizing and lying are two sides of the same coin. Being one doesn't automatically mean you are the other. But when they are in conjunction, that's when the sh*t hits the fan.
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post #74 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 02:07 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Great words of wisdom here, thank you. I think in many ways she is remorseful for what she did. She knows the hurt and pain it caused. She never did the drop to her knees type remorseful actions. I do see ongoing steady strong actions by her to rebuild the marriage in many areas but I also think she is not able to be truly empathetic. I just don't know if that particular chip got made with her model. When I told her that the deepest cut and the one that has forever changed my ability to completely trust anyone was when I was in my deep dark pit and she knew it she did nothing to try to repair things then and there. If anything she used that to her own advantage. She knows how I feel about that. I own my actions and obviously I am still with her.

I agree I need to take a deeper look at the reconcilliation and establish some new boundries.

My family and her family know of her affair. During it she told her mom that I was controlling and her mother did something I am still astounded by to this day.
Cowboy, I disagree with what you say in the first part of the bolded section above.

Your "wife"
  • is not sorry at all for what she did.

  • does not "get it" in any way (mainly doesn't get that the cohort was damaging and harmful not one who has her back).

  • is doing damage limitation and minimal repair.

  • is still dictating what should/will happen and you are letting her.


This is NOT a reconciliation of any kind. You are being trod on all over the place.

Before you ask her to get the POS cohort out of your lives, she needs to really get it which she doesn't. So the rest doesn't matter. This "marriage" should have been over at the outset of discovery. Get out of this while you still can.

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post #75 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 05:02 PM
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Cool Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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What is RSXW? Never seen that one.
Thanks to my very dear friend @GusPolinski , who had it copyrighted for us all over at Urban Dictionary,

"RSXW" is an acronym for "rich, skanky, ex-wife!"

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