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post #76 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 05:34 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Cowboy,

What I feel is that you have never gotten the complete and true story and your WW is still lying to you.

She has likely minimized the details she has given you and is only concerned with her own reputation.

Have her write out a timeline for the affair with the level of detail you require. Not just the sexual details, but who paid for what, who initiated, everything. She remembers everything tell her you know that she does.

Then take her to a polygraph, it's likely she will cough up more truth in the parking lot before you go into the office.

How close does the OM live to you?

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post #77 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 06:03 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Thanks to my very dear friend @GusPolinski , who had it copyrighted for us all over at Urban Dictionary,

"RSXW" is an acronym for "rich, skanky, ex-wife!"

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post #78 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 06:06 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Her friend is toxic to your marriage. If your wife was serial killing or shooting heroin would this friend have her back? A true friend would have told her that she might be ruining the best part of her life and she needs to pull her head out of her butt and knock it off. I have told a couple of my good friends that very thing when they were wading into affairs. Both of them did knock it off and both later thanked me. That's "having their back" and I hope they'd do the same for me.
Agreed, I told my friend if he had an affair I would punch him right in his face. Good friends hold each other accountable.
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post #79 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 06:57 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Sometimes I wish you guys would quit bullshyting yourselves by, "they are showing remorse". This is one of those times. What you're seeing, if its anything other than an a act, is regret--- wishing they didn't get caught, caused them emotionally or financially problems, led to punishment, embarrassment and loss of reputation or put a stop to their activities. This regret is the pain they feel for themselves and not the pain they caused you.
Remorse is something that comes long after the fact, involves shame, contemplating, with a sense of guilt and sorrow, the damage you alone done to the person who believed in you, taking full responsibility for your actions. A remorseful person will avoid doing the hurtful action again.
Yet how many times have you heard, "my spouse and I are in a "R". He/she is showing remorse but has broke the no contact agreement and is now hugging the phone".
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post #80 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 07:03 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

The only way she was having her back was enabling the affair by helping to communicate with OM and helping her not to get caught.

So, in your wife's eyes she truly did have her back.

But, this shouldn't mean a dam thing to you. All that matters to you ( at least it should ) is the friend helped your wife betray you.

The friend needs to go You know this. Make you wife know it as well. ( but, I think, she already does )

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #81 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 07:04 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Cowboy2 I think you have bought the sunk cost fallacy. Tell me why do you stay with her? What is the benefit for you?
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post #82 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 07:10 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Your wife should be made to know in no uncertain terms that if these people enter your house you will personally throw them out.

There are consequences for her actions and this should have been a consequence long ago.

Better late than ever
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post #83 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 07:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
Sometimes I wish you guys would quit bullshyting yourselves by, "they are showing remorse". This is one of those times. What you're seeing, if its anything other than an a act, is regret--- wishing they didn't get caught, caused them emotionally or financially problems, led to punishment, embarrassment and loss of reputation or put a stop to their activities. This regret is the pain they feel for themselves and not the pain they caused you.
Remorse is something that comes long after the fact, involves shame, contemplating, with a sense of guilt and sorrow, the damage you alone done to the person who believed in you, taking full responsibility for your actions. A remorseful person will avoid doing the hurtful action again.
Yet how many times have you heard, "my spouse and I are in a "R". He/she is showing remorse but has broke the no contact agreement and is now hugging the phone".
This!! ^^^^^ I love this!!!

Maybe it's because I have only my view but I do believe she is more upset/saddened/fill in the blank by the worry of HOW OTHERS WILL SEE HER rather than the damage done to the marriage. You can bash me for my male chauvinistic point of view but I think women in general really cover their s**t because they don't want to be seen by others as the "bad girl" or the "amoral girl" who had an affair. This is the a huge reason why you get the person painting the picture of the terrible marriage or spouse at home to people - it's to justify what they are doing to others and more importantly to THEMSELVES. This is a weak ego thing in my opinion. And my wife is the Queen here - she is close to incapable of looking under her own hood at her feelings. That doesn't make it ok, it simply is what she is capable of (or isn't in this case). This is why I was the controlling horrible husband (with no proof to back it up other than wanting to look at her phone) and in her letter to me after I discovered the affair for the first time how sad and lonely she'd been in our marriage for such a long time (without once saying anything about it or showing any actions in this area). She had to paint the picture to make herself feel better which included making things up.
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post #84 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 07:21 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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This!! ^^^^^ I love this!!!

Maybe it's because I have only my view but I do believe she is more upset/saddened/fill in the blank by the worry of HOW OTHERS WILL SEE HER rather than the damage done to the marriage. You can bash me for my male chauvinistic point of view but I think women in general really cover their s**t because they don't want to be seen by others as the "bad girl" or the "amoral girl" who had an affair. This is the a huge reason why you get the person painting the picture of the terrible marriage or spouse at home to people - it's to justify what they are doing to others and more importantly to THEMSELVES. This is a weak ego thing in my opinion. And my wife is the Queen here - she is close to incapable of looking under her own hood at her feelings. That doesn't make it ok, it simply is what she is capable of (or isn't in this case). This is why I was the controlling horrible husband (with no proof to back it up other than wanting to look at her phone) and in her letter to me after I discovered the affair for the first time how sad and lonely she'd been in our marriage for such a long time (without once saying anything about it or showing any actions in this area). She had to paint the picture to make herself feel better which included making things up.
With all due respect, what are you going to do about it?
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post #85 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 07:22 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Originally Posted by Cowboy2 View Post
This!! ^^^^^ I love this!!!

Maybe it's because I have only my view but I do believe she is more upset/saddened/fill in the blank by the worry of HOW OTHERS WILL SEE HER rather than the damage done to the marriage. You can bash me for my male chauvinistic point of view but I think women in general really cover their s**t because they don't want to be seen by others as the "bad girl" or the "amoral girl" who had an affair. This is the a huge reason why you get the person painting the picture of the terrible marriage or spouse at home to people - it's to justify what they are doing to others and more importantly to THEMSELVES. This is a weak ego thing in my opinion. And my wife is the Queen here - she is close to incapable of looking under her own hood at her feelings. That doesn't make it ok, it simply is what she is capable of (or isn't in this case). This is why I was the controlling horrible husband (with no proof to back it up other than wanting to look at her phone) and in her letter to me after I discovered the affair for the first time how sad and lonely she'd been in our marriage for such a long time (without once saying anything about it or showing any actions in this area). She had to paint the picture to make herself feel better which included making things up.
Um you realize staying with someone like this doesn't exactly paint you in the best light. If you really think this is her then what does it make you in staying? Sorry to be harsh but why would anyone want to be with someone like that?

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post #86 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 07:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Cowboy2 I think you have bought the sunk cost fallacy. Tell me why do you stay with her? What is the benefit for you?
Sunk cost fallacy I'm assuming refers to all that's been invested in the relationship and marriage? Things like years, kids, money, retirement, etc?

If that's the case I don't really have an answer. The short answer to what is the benefit for me is not much. I'm not sure why I stay with her. We have 2 kids so there's that and we can have fun together but the list is fairly short. Time to mull this over.
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post #87 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 07:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

SoKillMe you aren't being harsh, you're being honest and I appreciate that. It's good to get outside perspective especially since I rarely talk about this stuff. And you're right. When I look at the relationship objectively from the outside looking in it's almost a no-brainer. It's like would anyone continue to be with someone like this? Kids are the easy fall back and I don't worry about being on my own or any of that. I honestly don't know why. Cuz I'm scared to be the one to pull the pin? Why should I be? Even if I worried about what others thought of me and my decision it's for a very good reason. S**t now I'm gonna be up thinking about this again. No worries, probably something that needs to be looked at again.
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post #88 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 07:36 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Sunk cost fallacy I'm assuming refers to all that's been invested in the relationship and marriage? Things like years, kids, money, retirement, etc?

If that's the case I don't really have an answer. The short answer to what is the benefit for me is not much. I'm not sure why I stay with her. We have 2 kids so there's that and we can have fun together but the list is fairly short. Time to mull this over.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy. The Misconception: You make rational decisions based on the future value of objects, investments and experiences. The Truth: Your decisions are tainted by the emotional investments you accumulate, and the more you invest in something the harder it becomes to abandon it.

Don't hold onto a bad thing because you invested into it. Some time the better decision is to cut your losses.
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post #89 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 08:04 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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the point I am making is compartmentalisation is just a very long word for "good at lying".
That's not true.

It is often a defence mechanism following severe traumas such as sexual abuse.

Which can cause problems in later life.
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post #90 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 09:03 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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The affair wasn't 6 years unless it's still going on now. It was on/off for 3 years. From what I know it was mainly an affair for about a year. Then there may have been something going on for year 2 but nothing I ever discovered. Towards the end of what would have been the 3rd year I finally called the guys wife and told her about it. She actually knew already. After I spoke with her POS called me 10 minutes later and said he "hadn't touched her in 2 years" for whatever that means. He said they'd email every once in a while which may be the extend of it or may not. My wife said they were benign (LOL) but mysteriously couldn't produce the emails to back up her story, even from her sent folder.
Sorry about that Cowboy.....I misremembered your OP on this thread.

You did clearly say it was 6 years AGO....not in length.

But it does appear that you still don't know the true extent or nature of the A....even whether it was an EA as she was claiming or a PA (as POSOM's statement would suggest, since 'hadn't touched her in 2 years' when you were calling at the end of year 3 of the A suggests he WAS touching her earlier in the A).

And if she has never fully come clean, then she is still not truly remorseful for what she did....in fact, IMO continued lying and deception are a 'continuation' of the A since they represent the same selfishness and lack of empathy that led her to cheat in the first place.

And that means you haven't truly been in R yet.
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