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post #91 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 09:05 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Nah, they are just really good at lying and deceiving people. They are adulterers, they are charlatans by nature and the ones that are good at it have had years of practice at it, maybe not with affairs but in other areas of their life. It's not like they have split personalities. Any time you believe one you are taking a risk.
There really are people who compartmentalize completely. They see the universe as truly separate sub-universes. What happens in one does not exist in the other, as long as the two are kept apart. Like galaxies, which are beautiful and independent conglomerates but if they intersect in space they distort and destroy each other.

Those I know who are such great compartmentalizers are also strong control freaks. Not that they live in paranoia, but that they believe they can control and manipulate the world to fit the way they want it to.

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post #92 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 09:49 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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There really are people who compartmentalize completely. They see the universe as truly separate sub-universes. What happens in one does not exist in the other, as long as the two are kept apart. Like galaxies, which are beautiful and independent conglomerates but if they intersect in space they distort and destroy each other.

Those I know who are such great compartmentalizers are also strong control freaks. Not that they live in paranoia, but that they believe they can control and manipulate the world to fit the way they want it to.
Generally speaking this is not your typical person having an affair, this is someone who is bipolar or personality disorder or has some very serious mental sickness. In such cases it is a terrible mistake to stay married to them don't you agree?

Again if it is true then that your WS was able to compartmentalize "Like galaxies" you should understand that this person will never be a safe spouse. However, if they are not compartmentalize "Like galaxies", they are probably not suffering from multiple personality disorder, and are really just sh_tty people. You are only deluding yourself if you act they are like they are Shirley Ardell Mason, when most likely just bad people good at manipulating others.
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post #93 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 10:15 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

All this crap analysis about why your wife got involved with another man is all for nothing. The only thing that matters, as a BH, is what they can bring to the table after betraying you and most important, do they have enough romantic interest and respect for you not to go down that road again. Judge for yourself why she's hell bent to keep these other MFers around
Looking for remorse as an ingredient to a so-called successful reconciliation is just looking for a sign that the requisite romantic interest and respect are there. If not, she doesn't feel remorse for being unfaithful to someone she sees as little more than a base camp. If that's the case, consider her companionship and occasional "putting out" as equivalent to rent payments.

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post #94 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 10:40 PM Thread Starter
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Judge for yourself why she's hell bent to keep these other MFers around
Looking for remorse as an ingredient to a so-called successful reconciliation is just looking for a sign that the requisite romantic interest and respect are there. If not, she doesn't feel remorse for being unfaithful to someone she sees as little more than a base camp. If that's the case, consider her companionship and occasional "putting out" as equivalent to rent payments.
Another golden nugget Vlad. What does she bring to the table in regards to making the marriage a good place again if possible?
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post #95 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-06-2016, 09:01 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Generally speaking this is not your typical person having an affair, this is someone who is bipolar or personality disorder or has some very serious mental sickness. In such cases it is a terrible mistake to stay married to them don't you agree?

Again if it is true then that your WS was able to compartmentalize "Like galaxies" you should understand that this person will never be a safe spouse. However, if they are not compartmentalize "Like galaxies", they are probably not suffering from multiple personality disorder, and are really just sh_tty people. You are only deluding yourself if you act they are like they are Shirley Ardell Mason, when most likely just bad people good at manipulating others.
It is a continuum, not binary. We all compartmentalize to some extent. When I come home from work I rarely think about work. I don't socialize much outside of work with my coworkers, and when I do I really don't want to talk about work. Golf league is golf, so let's not discuss crap from work even if we are coworkers.

I think in fact it very much is what the typical cheater does. They are living two lives. Now of course there are all kinds of affairs and cheaters, so we can find exceptions to everything. But the typical affair involves setting up separate orbits which do not intersect with the only common point being the cheater.

Those out towards the extreme who are pathologically personality disordered are un-safe partners. I agree with you on that. For some people this is one of the biggest shocks of discovering an affair, when they also discover just how disordered their spouse really is. These people are a small minority of the population and would be the sociopaths etc.

I don't think it is as binary as you portray, with cheaters being simply ****ty people who don't compartmentalize. There are many who know what they are doing is wrong but they believe they can control their two galaxies and that their spouse will never be harmed. They do rationalize their behavior as ok based on the separate galaxies will never meet. They are both ****ty people and compartmentalizers.
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post #96 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-06-2016, 09:28 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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But the typical affair involves setting up separate orbits which do not intersect with the only common point being the cheater.
Regarding women, I submit that the typical "wife's" affair is not two separate orbits like work and home. When a wife gets involved with another, she has usually lost a large amount of romantic interest, (usually brought about by perceived unmet needs and disappointment) and respect for her spouse. Thusfar, I've never read or heard a legitimate story where the wife said, "I am so in love with husband, he is the apple of my eye and the highlight of my life, but I'm having an affair." The OM is likely hearing a different story.
If I'm wrong, I'd like for some of the ladies on this site to educate me and tell me where I going wrong.
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post #97 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-06-2016, 08:47 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Regarding women, I submit that the typical "wife's" affair is not two separate orbits like work and home. When a wife gets involved with another, she has usually lost a large amount of romantic interest, (usually brought about by perceived unmet needs and disappointment) and respect for her spouse. Thusfar, I've never read or heard a legitimate story where the wife said, "I am so in love with husband, he is the apple of my eye and the highlight of my life, but I'm having an affair." The OM is likely hearing a different story.
If I'm wrong, I'd like for some of the ladies on this site to educate me and tell me where I going wrong.
I agree with you, but you asked, so here you go: Ted talk on happy couples that cheat

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #98 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-06-2016, 08:50 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Sunk cost fallacy I'm assuming refers to all that's been invested in the relationship and marriage? Things like years, kids, money, retirement, etc?

If that's the case I don't really have an answer. The short answer to what is the benefit for me is not much. I'm not sure why I stay with her. We have 2 kids so there's that and we can have fun together but the list is fairly short. Time to mull this over.
Pretty good article on it: How the Sunk Cost Fallacy Makes You Act Stupid

I read this one, too:
Warning: Believing These 10 Famous Myths Might Be Making You Dumb

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #99 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-06-2016, 11:39 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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It is a continuum, not binary. We all compartmentalize to some extent. When I come home from work I rarely think about work. I don't socialize much outside of work with my coworkers, and when I do I really don't want to talk about work. Golf league is golf, so let's not discuss crap from work even if we are coworkers.

I think in fact it very much is what the typical cheater does. They are living two lives. Now of course there are all kinds of affairs and cheaters, so we can find exceptions to everything. But the typical affair involves setting up separate orbits which do not intersect with the only common point being the cheater.

Those out towards the extreme who are pathologically personality disordered are un-safe partners. I agree with you on that. For some people this is one of the biggest shocks of discovering an affair, when they also discover just how disordered their spouse really is. These people are a small minority of the population and would be the sociopaths etc.

I don't think it is as binary as you portray, with cheaters being simply ****ty people who don't compartmentalize. There are many who know what they are doing is wrong but they believe they can control their two galaxies and that their spouse will never be harmed. They do rationalize their behavior as ok based on the separate galaxies will never meet. They are both ****ty people and compartmentalizers.
Nope not buying it. I think you are giving them way too much moral credit and actively downplaying their conniving nature.

Typical example, man is cheating on his wife. He tells his wife he is going out with his friend when he is really meeting up with OP to have sex. In that action there is absolutely no compartmentalizing. He has to actively lie to his wife and then drive to the place, have sex and then continue to lie when he gets home. He has to make sure his lies match, and he always has his story straight. Every time he lies he is not separating these two worlds he is active in both of them, it just in one he chooses to lie. In fact he has to think about both of them just to make sure he doesn't get caught. This is why many cheaters talk about how glad they are it is over so they can stop lying. To lie like that you have to be intensely focused on both worlds.

What I described there is a typical scenario of a cheaters life. It is nothing like coming home and forgetting about work until the next day. Cheating is an action, not a mindset.

To me compartmentalizing as you describe it is an out so people don't have to deal with the hard facts of the nature of cheaters actions.

The truth about a successful cheater is that they have to actively lie in about almost every area of there life and mostly of the people who the claim to love and are with them almost every day. They have to live an inauthentic life. They may be able to shut down the shame, guilt even remorse but this is different the compartmentalizing. It is suppressing their feelings.

The act of cheating is way too complicated to be able to work the way you say. It has to be a part of your entire life to be successful. It involves way to much subterfuge, you have to activity work at it every day.
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post #100 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-07-2016, 06:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Thank you 2ntnuf, this article sums up the sunk cost fallacy very well. And it makes complete sense. It really helps lineate the emotion vs logic. Thanks.

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post #101 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-07-2016, 08:12 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Nope not buying it. I think you are giving them way too much moral credit and actively downplaying their conniving nature...

The act of cheating is way too complicated to be able to work the way you say. It has to be a part of your entire life to be successful. It involves way to much subterfuge, you have to activity work at it every day.
Sometimes...

I asked my WW (LTPAs) this exact question. "How you could you manage your life, work, children and cheating on me all at the same time... and not go crazy."


I got a lesson, painful as it was.

First, the BS generally doesn't understand or believe... affairs are pure fantasy, sexual and real, but still fantasy. Therefore, affairs don't need constant maintanence like a real marriage. My wife admitted that her AP and her would sometimes go months without communicating. They didn't need to discuss reality, like bills, sickness, church, children, just their own make believe fantasy. A few well timed emails (dribble love) and they were off and running again.

Almost 7 years down the road, and still hard to digest.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #102 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-07-2016, 08:32 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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I agree with you, but you asked, so here you go: Ted talk on happy couples that cheat
I appreciate your efforts but hearsay evidence from talk show personalities is not exactly what I had in mind. One thing did jump out at me however, that the girl banging the tree man purportedly found a relationship she never had. (after what was described as a mundane, boring life of wife and mother)
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post #103 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-07-2016, 11:09 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Sometimes...

I asked my WW (LTPAs) this exact question. "How you could you manage your life, work, children and cheating on me all at the same time... and not go crazy."


I got a lesson, painful as it was.

First, the BS generally doesn't understand or believe... affairs are pure fantasy, sexual and real, but still fantasy. Therefore, affairs don't need constant maintanence like a real marriage. My wife admitted that her AP and her would sometimes go months without communicating. They didn't need to discuss reality, like bills, sickness, church, children, just their own make believe fantasy. A few well timed emails (dribble love) and they were off and running again.

Almost 7 years down the road, and still hard to digest.
I would take what a cheater says about an affair with a huge grain of salt. It is in their interest to minimize the vile nature of their actions.

Saying, "for me it was pure fantasy", doesn't really address the possible compartmentalizing of it. What they mean is, I never thought I would get caught and I was enjoying it.

Last edited by sokillme; 07-07-2016 at 05:20 PM.
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post #104 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-07-2016, 02:04 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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I appreciate your efforts but hearsay evidence from talk show personalities is not exactly what I had in mind. One thing did jump out at me however, that the girl banging the tree man purportedly found a relationship she never had. (after what was described as a mundane, boring life of wife and mother)
She certainly seems like a talk show personality, though she is a doctor of psychology. There was plenty of arguing there about whether or not it was possible and some said it was possible to be happy and have an affair. I do not think it is possible to be happily married and have an affair.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #105 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-07-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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I do not think it is possible to be happily married and have an affair.
I think if you cross examined these happily married cheaters it would reveal that. There's a difference between happily married and happy to be married. There have been time when I hated the job but I loved having a pay check.
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