Affair Helpers and CoHorts - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Hey all,

Been a while since I've been on here. My wife of 20 + years had an affair that started about 6 years ago. It was on again off again for close to 3 years to one level or another for a variety of reasons, the primary one being I didn't have the balls to take a hard stand against her behavior. When I finally got educated, in large part to TAM, and got my head out of my ass and was ready to walk she woke up out of her fog and for the most part things have been improving in our marriage the last several years. In a weird way the affair made me grow on a personal level in ways I never would have otherwise.

The reason I am posting today is because we are having a 4th of July gathering at our house. A husband, his wife, and their son are coming over. The husband was one of my wife's confidants during the affair. This guy never comes across my radar in day to day life. My wife used to work with him and is friends still with him as well as his wife. I know he thinks I don't like him because of the fact he was my wife's confidant during he affair and he's right. I don't like him. In years past from my wife I got the "it's not that he wanted me to be with the other guy it's that he wanted what's best for me, what makes me happy". And of course the reason for this was my wife painted me as the monster bad guy at home to justify her actions. This guy and his family have been in my house a few times in the last few years and I just ignore him. I caught communication between this guy and my wife that showed he was a big cheering section for her and advised her to go be with this other man. So yeah, I don't like him.

We also do things from time to time with my wife's best friend and her husband. Her best friend helped her a lot during the affair as in helped her communicate with the other man, etc. Again my wife portrayed me as the bad guy which as we all know the wandering spouse is good at doing in order to justify their behavior and get others in their court.

So I don't take many things personally anymore, just no point to it. But I've been thinking it's time to take a stand on having interaction with either of these 2 people who to one degree or another helped my wife with her affair. I know the hard liners will say anyone who helped facilitate an affair should be cut out completely and I understand that. On one level I don't give a crap because it's wasted negative energy but another part of me says I should take a harder stand here.

I'd enjoy hearing others thoughts and experience in this. Thanks in advance and have great holiday.

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post #2 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:12 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Originally Posted by Cowboy2 View Post
Hey all,

Been a while since I've been on here. My wife of 20 + years had an affair that started about 6 years ago. It was on again off again for close to 3 years to one level or another for a variety of reasons, the primary one being I didn't have the balls to take a hard stand against her behavior. When I finally got educated, in large part to TAM, and got my head out of my ass and was ready to walk she woke up out of her fog and for the most part things have been improving in our marriage the last several years. In a weird way the affair made me grow on a personal level in ways I never would have otherwise.

The reason I am posting today is because we are having a 4th of July gathering at our house. A husband, his wife, and their son are coming over. The husband was one of my wife's confidants during the affair. This guy never comes across my radar in day to day life. My wife used to work with him and is friends still with him as well as his wife. I know he thinks I don't like him because of the fact he was my wife's confidant during he affair and he's right. I don't like him. In years past from my wife I got the "it's not that he wanted me to be with the other guy it's that he wanted what's best for me, what makes me happy". And of course the reason for this was my wife painted me as the monster bad guy at home to justify her actions. This guy and his family have been in my house a few times in the last few years and I just ignore him. I caught communication between this guy and my wife that showed he was a big cheering section for her and advised her to go be with this other man. So yeah, I don't like him.

We also do things from time to time with my wife's best friend and her husband. Her best friend helped her a lot during the affair as in helped her communicate with the other man, etc. Again my wife portrayed me as the bad guy which as we all know the wandering spouse is good at doing in order to justify their behavior and get others in their court.

So I don't take many things personally anymore, just no point to it. But I've been thinking it's time to take a stand on having interaction with either of these 2 people who to one degree or another helped my wife with her affair. I know the hard liners will say anyone who helped facilitate an affair should be cut out completely and I understand that. On one level I don't give a crap because it's wasted negative energy but another part of me says I should take a harder stand here.

I'd enjoy hearing others thoughts and experience in this. Thanks in advance and have great holiday.
I would be so very tempted to ask his wife how she felt about her husband being an enabler of your wife's affair?

I mean, she needs to know the mindset of her husband in case he should ever think about cheating on her, right?

I am not suggesting you should do this, but the very knowledge you could do this might give you a psychological edge on him.

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post #3 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

The affair supporters should have been cut out of your life and marriage as a condition of staying married - 6 years ago.

I would take a stand now. Let your wife know that being around these two people and anyone else who supported her affair causes you anger and pain still. That you never want to see them or have them in your home again. Tell her every time you see them it is like ripping the bandaid off again.
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post #4 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:25 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

I'll toe the hard line. If they haven't gotten there yet, call and cancel. If they are there, pull your wife aside and tell her that they have to leave and why.

Your wife shouldn't like them either. Decent people don't give the advice they gave. I have used the words "you need to be happy, that is what I want for you." But it was only in the context of divorce or work it out. I would never say cheat.

What makes you think they won't cheerlead another affair? You already know their morals'
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post #5 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

His dismissal from your life should have been a condition for R, as with all toxic/enabling persons of the affair.

The more interesting question is why this was not a condition of the R at the time R was agreed upon.

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post #6 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Yep, it's a little late. Make up some lie and tell them. After all, didn't they lie to you? Who cares what they think? You know what they think of you already. Remove them from your life. Remove your wife, too, with a divorce, if she doesn't agree. She should be fully remorseful, understanding and have your back.

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post #7 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

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Originally Posted by Cowboy2 View Post
So I don't take many things personally anymore, just no point to it. But I've been thinking it's time to take a stand on having interaction with either of these 2 people who to one degree or another helped my wife with her affair. I know the hard liners will say anyone who helped facilitate an affair should be cut out completely and I understand that. On one level I don't give a crap because it's wasted negative energy but another part of me says I should take a harder stand here.

I'd enjoy hearing others thoughts and experience in this. Thanks in advance and have great holiday.
My thoughts:
Why does your wife invite people you don't like?
That they were enablers of her affair makes it only worse.
What does your wife think about this situation, what does she think about you and your feelings regarding this? Does she care?
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post #8 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 12:03 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Cowboy,

Toxic friends should be removed/booted from your FWW life, period. It seems these in question not only knew of her affair(s), they facilitated and encouraged it. Time for the boot.

A number of my FWW's best friends knew she was having an affair. Most had cheated on their H before and were divorced or separated. Her best friend (co-worker, I call Toxicity) had even had an affair with the same OM my wife was sleeping with. All very pretty and smiling on the outside, "Shiny Happy People", Toxic as plutonium.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.

Last edited by RWB; 07-04-2016 at 12:27 PM.
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post #9 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 12:05 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

If you don't have the balls to tell him and your wife, just accidentally shoot a few roman candles near him, set off an M80 or three near him and have an accident with his burger or steak. Chicken **it in my book, but effective.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #10 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 12:06 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

I see why you were cheated on brother (and likely will again).

Quote:
So I don't take many things personally anymore, just no point to it. But I've been thinking it's time to take a stand on having interaction with either of these 2 people who to one degree or another helped my wife with her affair. I know the hard liners will say anyone who helped facilitate an affair should be cut out completely and I understand that. On one level I don't give a crap because it's wasted negative energy but another part of me says I should take a harder stand here.
Classic doormat logic. No More Mister Nice Guy (Get the book!).

You are still trying to be cordial with people who are enemies. Yes, you heard me, enemies! I would be afraid to invite this man and his wife to my home. Aggravated assault, grievous harm, aggravated battery are a few charges that come to mind. Locate your testicles and cancel that event.

If I come off harsh, don't take it personal, but you really need to put an end to this.


Last edited by EunuchMonk; 07-04-2016 at 12:11 PM.
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post #11 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 12:13 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Dump them.

And let your wife tell them why, in your presence. They should have already been gone.

And, as Matt says I would be so very tempted to ask his wife how she felt about her husband being an enabler of your wife's affair?


If your wife doesn't like it, it means she values them over you.

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post #12 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 12:18 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

I'm thinking he was just brazen enough that he didn't care if Cowboy2 knew.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #13 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 12:20 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

This piece of cr@p and all other enablers/supporters should have been removed from your life 6 years ago (as others have been rightly telling you).

In any case, get rid of him from your life and if you do it make sure his wife and others who know him, know why. Explain that its not that you wish him harm but really wish that his spouse and others that know him get to know for their own good! No really - kick him out of your lives and warn him that there will be consequences should he ever contact your wife again.

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post #14 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 12:21 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

Maybe I'm crazy, but if my DH had an affair and invited those who knew of and encouraged the affair to my home, I'd personally tell them they are not welcome in my home and exactly why they are not welcome in my home. And, if DH had a problem with that, he'd be free to leave with them.
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post #15 of 511 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 12:24 PM
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Re: Affair Helpers and CoHorts

ExLax is your friend.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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