There are a couple of good reasons to expose. For starters, you found out that you WS isn't really that into making you R work. Why get all emotionally invested just to be gaslighted? That said, don't be suprised when she slinks back.
Her reaction is most likely due to her realization that she can't just start up the R with dirtbag as soon as she gets a seret phone, email, whatever after the heat is off. You have shone the light on it for all to see.
Exposure takes away to the option of your wayward starting up the fantasy again if attemps at R don't work.
Marriage vows are taken in public, not sure why anyone has a problem with a victim of infidelity telling the very same people who stood with you on your wedding day that those public vows have been broken.
I'm guessing the first person she got in contact with was the other man. She may be in denial that they were even having an affair since ,as far as we know, they have not consumated the affair. BUT they had plans to meet.
The other mans wife needs to be told........That way the other man can effectively be taken out of the picture since his little plan has gone haywire. The only one who doesn't know what he was really after is your wife.
She returned like fifteen minutes later and laid into me...you know finger in the face stuff. But then it mellowed down and we began to talk about it. Did I cave and fall off the 180 bus...a little bit yes. Here is the thing. SHE is so confused right now that she really has no idea what to do. She has feelings for the guy but wrote to him, exposed the feelings and said she needed to ends the affair for HER because she needs to get her s$%t together. What she got back (and this is all according to her remember, but I can TELL when my wife is being sincere) was that he was not leaving his marriage, he had no feelings for her so adios. She was humiliated by her own lover!
She does NOT feel remorse for this A and indeed told me she wished it could have gone PA just once because she would have known if her feelings were real, lust, or if she could have even gone through with it. OK, that HURTS but you know what I can understand what she is saying. She was NOT getting what she needed in our marriage, and I am happy to talk about that more because it will clarify WHY the A started in the first place.
How did I cave? Well, let me be clear about something first. By contacting these folks I was following advise from here and articles I have been reading. It did not FEEL right to do it but since I have been doing all the WRONG things I thought contacting them was one of the right things. So what I did was this: I offered to call her family and say I was wrong, that it was not an A. I did this, but worded it so carefully that both Mom and Sister were able to read between my lines. They understood clearly that I said I would call about it and tell them I was wrong, it was not an A but something else. Both of them said "OK, got ya, not an A but we all know it was..." OK, not rock solid but it was a compromise. Wife's point (and one well taken) was that if I had waited just one more day to call them I would have known that the A had ended and would not have had to call them as part of an intervention. Fair enough.
What now? Ground rules. We have to stay in the same house for financial reasons but we will live separate lives (not unlike we have been doing for a long time) while she decides if R is even possible. No sex, her choice. We keep up appearances for the kids, especially the youngest. We go out when we want, but no "dating" or "hooking up." I told her I want R and will work hard for it but understand that the chances are paper thin. The main thing we BOTH need is time (which is hard for me because I want this pain to STOP) to figure things out. I think she is still planning on seeing the councilor. I will also keep my appt. She does not want MC right now.
I did ask her what happens if OM writes and expresses his undying love or wants to start the A again. She said he wouldn't and even if writes she will not answer. She wants time to think for herself with no men in her life. I truly believe that. So, we will see where this goes.
Am I weak and a doormat for all this? Maybe, but I know my wife and if I put too much pressure on she will end the M. Since that is the LAST thing I want I will have to be a bit giving where I feel it is necessary. Afterall, that IS what M is about. Will it crush me again when she says she can't stay married? Probably but at least I know that I gave it one last shot.
Thanks Arnold, you always know the right things to say =)
Bottom line here is that time is what we need. I agree with her that we both have issues to figure out on our own before we can even think about US. The deal here is that I will continue on. There are complexities here that cannot be rushed. It gives us both time to get past the A. It gives me time to figure out what to do with a failing business and a career that is in the toilet as well. Sometimes it is better to go Beta IN SOME things. I have to follow my own gut instincts and know when to be 180 and when that will only make matters worse. I cannot force my wife to do anything she is not ready to do. Nor can I force her to love me. I understand these things, I have lived with her for 18 years. She has to come to her own conclusions and she always takes time to analyze. Forcing things to be done immediately is really only making matters worse. Time and only time will tell where we go from here.
I have no problem with you taking time to decide whether to divorce. But, WTF, you allow a cheater to throw things at you and stick her finger in your face, then dictate what is to be done.
I am telling you, and I am no Don Juan by any means, probably more beta than a lot of guys. But, you allow your wife to treat you like dirt, and that will never make you attractive to her.
This woman sounds like a tyrant and you should , probably, stop putting up with this crap.
I agree Arnold. But my description of her on this forum is only about the bad things. She is not a one dimensional character. She is also very kind, she is fun, she is intelligent, and she is a good mother. Yes she has a temper but usually her anger IS justified. Yes she cheated, twice. Yes it was a poor decision on her part. In reality though this latest A may have been good for her...I believe it scared the hell out of her because SHE developed feelings that she did not expect. She had no control over it. She believed that there was one true love for each person until this...because she was falling in love with this guy (or thought she was). She has been disillusioned and needs time to figure it out. Maybe, if the cards are played right, she will realize that even though things were FAR from great with us that I am really the one man who can understand her, that I am solid, that I am a good father...because I am. For my part I intend to make HUGE changes in my behavior...not for her but for me. I do not like the guy I was for the past 14 years. Trying to figure out if it was a mid-life crisis for me, or if it is some core behavior that needs more work. And in reality she needs to do the same thing. She is not sure if this mid-life crisis for her either. In the end of course after we change our behavior we still may not like the other person. That is fine and again, I have lost nothing in becoming a better person.
Who cares what the wayward spouse thinks. Tough sh!t. If they want to leave let them. That's the whole thing. You got to be able to let go. She brought this on your marriage. She doesn't want to deal, move on.
HE, do yourself a favor, click on the link below No More Mr Nice Guy and download a free copy of the book. It is not a woman bashing book by any stretch of the imagination but an empowerment manual for all men. Read it and you may be surprised how some of your bad behavior can be attributed to you being a 'Nice Guy'. Good luck.
Kobo, yes she did bring this on. I can tell you though that this was a symptom of the marriage. Yep, she has to own it 100% and I have laid that law down. But I really don't think she wants D. She as told that to her mother. I am actually sitting in a good place, believe it or not. Yep its painful, no doubt about that. We will see where it goes from here. I am not going to give up on this marriage until she is clear whether she wants to work on it or not. If she decides its over, she is the failure, not me. If she decides to work on it and it still falls apart, then we tried. Neither of us know where our heads are at right now. Maybe, a few weeks or months from now I will decide its not worth it and file. BUT I am not doing any of that right now. I am going to wait and see because my marriage is worth it to ME. I can afford to give it time. So, I HAVE let it go in the sense that it will be what it is. I also understand that WE don't know what it is and until we do no knee jerk reactions are going to help. Yep, more than anything else in the world I want this to work out but I understand that in all likelihood it won't. But I am Hope Eternal.
Thanks Morituri, I will have a look at it. Yes, I already know that much of my own bad behavior is due to being the Nice Guy. I am a pleaser, never want to rock the boat. The problem is that when I don't PERCEIVE that I am getting what I need back for nice deeds, I get resentful and angry. When that builds long enough it comes out in inappropriate ways. But I look forward to reading the book.
Hope, part of the problem with the terms you let her set, is that you have given up any ability to make sure this one stays dead, and the ability to stop the next one.
What I mean is you have not gotten full transparency from her. All you got was her saying she won't continue wth hom, and then her living a parallel yet separate life including secrets. She already has shown she will lie to have him, and she is so deep that she actually thought it is ok to tell her husband that she regrets not sleeping with him. She has no remorse for the affair, only not having cheated evebpn more.
So what you have achieved s some exposure, which you recanted, and her now having the freedom to do what she wants. Oh, and she now has you warned off from taking any more action against the affair.
So how will you know if she hooks up with him? What will you do? Posted via Mobile Device
Each of us need to handle our problems in our own way. There's a myriad of different approaches in this thread, alone, but I have read nothing that would make me think that I should find out whatever bridge my ex and her stud may be living under and offer a helping hand.
She returned like fifteen minutes later and laid into me...you know finger in the face stuff. But then it mellowed down and we began to talk about it. Did I cave and fall off the 180 bus...a little bit yes. Here is the thing. SHE is so confused right now that she really has no idea what to do. She has feelings for the guy but wrote to him, exposed the feelings and said she needed to ends the affair for HER because she needs to get her s$%t together. What she got back (and this is all according to her remember, but I can TELL when my wife is being sincere) was that he was not leaving his marriage, he had no feelings for her so adios. She was humiliated by her own lover!
Do you honestly believe this, or is it just something you want to believe to help you sleep at night?
Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry... 
o
