Yes all that you folks say has truth in it and I do value what you are saying. Right now she and I both need to sort through things and see where we are as people and as a couple. I am going to let this be for a while. I do not have to resolve this today. I DO think I am in a fog and I also need time to clear my head.
Take your time but stand up to this tyrant.
And, may I suggest a little aroma therapy, chanting, and petuly oil(shoud fit nicely in the man purse, which matches your beret).
You're not getting it. By not being proactive against her behavior you are in fact giving tacit approval to it. The longer she gets away with it the more entrenched in it she will be and the lower your odds of successfully changing her behavior.
"On the plains of hesitation bleach the bones of countless millions who, at the dawn of decision, sat down to wait, and waiting died."
Sam Ewing
What is there really to think about??
And, in the words of Sam's illegitimate son, J.R., "That woman is a biatch".
HE, do yourself a favor, click on the link below No More Mr Nice Guy and download a free copy of the book. It is not a woman bashing book by any stretch of the imagination but an empowerment manual for all men. Read it and you may be surprised how some of your bad behavior can be attributed to you being a 'Nice Guy'. Good luck.
Also get "Love Busters" and its follow up "His Needs Her Needs"
Assuming your still speaking read these together.
She told you youwere a doormat. Do you thjink she lookedat the other man as a doormat. You can pull this off but not as a nice little wuss.
Shes begging for leadership. If you don't get moving fast she will be checking other men to see if its just lust.
You ssid you had almost quit having sex with her because of the way she treated you. You need to get back in tha saddle as soon as possible. Hormones during sex binds partners together. Let her be in a fog over you. Start dating her. Most marriages fail when they let the romance evaporate.
You can do this because your smart and your family needs you.
I want to know when you get these books and start doing your homework. You've busted (I hope) the affair now get on with rebuilding your lives.
Thanks Chaparral, I downloaded the book and will read it this weekend. I am currently reading "surviving the Affair" by Kevin Jackson. We actually had a another great talk. The way I worded things to her mother and sister worked well actually because they talked to her yesterday...and she was pretty angry that they did not "believe" me when i told them it was not an affair. None-the-less this whole thing will come down to whether she still loves me. She lost those feelings for me some time ago, but I think they are still there or she would have left a long time ago. She NOW admits she crossed the line and I am starting to see real remorse, not just "sorry I hurt you." It will take time folks. And, frankly, I don't think I have backed down at all. I won't cry in front of her, I am firm in my stance about the A and told her yesterday that if it starts again I am gone. I also told her that I need to figure out whether its worth my time to keep investing in a one-way marriage. THAT shocked her, at least by the look on her face. She is STILL concerned that I will contact OMW and for now I want to keep using that tool in that manner. Meanwhile, I am basically ignoring her. Short, but not nasty, responses to texts (mainly things like "do I need to get the kids?"). I am giving her all the space she wants, and as much as possible while we both have to be in the same house. We still sleep in the same bed to keep up appearance for the kids, but ground rule: NO touching.
Arnold, as for my Man Purse, I left it with my little black dress. C'mon man!
HE . . . just reading through these posts I'm thinking either:
1. You just really like getting abused (from your wife, these guys on TAM or anyone else who may come by) . . . or
2. You're way tougher than you've come across so far and once you find both your nuts and set things straight in your marriage, your wife won't be able to keep her hands off you or you'll leave her and start enjoying your life.
This really is a decision you have to make.
And I think doing the 'wait and see what happens route' will default you to Choice #1.
Believe me, I am pissed. But I also realize that there were many things I did that put her in a position where she felt she needed to have the A. NO it was not my fault that she did it, that was her choice. But it takes two to tango folks. She is wanting R, but she has to make the decision to invest in the marriage. I told her that. I also told her I am not waiting forever for her to decide what she wants. This is really NOT about the A, this is about where our marriage is and is not. The A had to be gotten out of the way before we could address that issue. The A is over and I am taking steps to make sure it stays over so that she has time to start thinking clearly about whether our marriage is worth reinventing. I already KNOW that it is but the fact is I won't wait around forever. I have accepted the very likely possibility that it is over and I will have to let her go. She is not the only major issue in my life right now. I am also trying to save a dying business and resurrect a 25 year career with the likelihood that I won't be able to do that either and will end up with no family and looking for a job outside my field at 49 years old. Not a pleasant thought by any stretch of the imagination. So YES I am going to work to keep what I have until it is absolutely clear to me that it is not possible. THAT does not make me weak. It in fact goes to a strong character and one that will not simply give up the ship because there is a major leak and it is sinking. It makes me a stronger person than my wife. I was not the weak one who sought comfort and distraction from a bad marriage by finding someone else. So no more of this business of being weak and this will end in disaster. The disaster has already happened and has been building for many years. There is a chance, slim but a chance, to set it aright again and I am going to do that. I have accepted the fact that it probably won't work, but then so did the Wright Brothers and we are still flying today.
The way I worded things to her mother and sister worked well actually because they talked to her yesterday...and she was pretty angry that they did not "believe" me when i told them it was not an affair.
I havent been able to read everything, is this a typo or did you tell them your W was NOT having an affair and they didnt believe you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeeternal
None-the-less this whole thing will come down to whether she still loves me.
lol. No, it won't. It will come to does she respect you. Does she want to reconcile your relationship based on wanting to be with you. That has to be for the right reasons, not because shes scared, comfortable, or pieces parts of lots of other disfunctional reasons. She doesnt want to be with the guy you have been, she cheated on that guy and she felt like she had reasons.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeeternal
She lost those feelings for me some time ago, but I think they are still there or she would have left a long time ago. She NOW admits she crossed the line and I am starting to see real remorse, not just "sorry I hurt you."
Sounds like your being managed bro.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeeternal
She is STILL concerned that I will contact OMW and for now I want to keep using that tool in that manner.
This is so F*CKED up on so many levels, I cant quite get my head round it...
So your cohersing her using the threat of telling the OMW ??? and you think that will hold up? F*ck doing the 'right thing' BECAUSE it is the right thing.... Instead, you really think you are going to hold that over her head to "get/keep her in line" ?
I'm not even going into the fact that if it does scare her so much that you think its a commodity you need to hold onto to manipulate the process... that would just be an indication of continued feelings for him and fear of hurting him... THOSE consequences actually scare her... Its like f*ck you, she betrayed you (her H) but the thought that the affair truth might hurt him, or this 'fantasy future' she's likely concocted in her head w/him that she is truly fearful of that ??
God, wait a minute I cant get my head around this at all... WTF are you serious dude?? Too early, Maybe I need more coffee... My head can't be working right... I'll check back in when my head clears... I must be misreading something...
Pit-of-my-stomach, yes it is f%$#ed up in so many ways. I can't get MY head around it either. My deal here is that I came seeking advice and help. You all have given it the best way you know how. It is up to me to decide what advice to take and what not to take. No, I do NOT like being abused by anyone. I am an educated man, have lots of degrees hanging on my wall but the fact is that this is my first rodeo with this kind of thing and I do NOT know how to handle it nor do I know what advice is sound and what advice just won't work in my situation. Some of it has worked. Some of it has had the exact oposite effect. This is still fresh and hurting badly. So yes, you may be right. By the time she decides that R is what she wants I may tell her to go fck herself. The thing I do not want to do right now is make any more stupid decisions. Things are in limbo right now. Not because of the A but because she has to decide whether this can be worked on. This limbo will allow me some time to heal a bit and figure out what I want to do too. I simply am not going to move forward with anything right now. If that is wrong well it is wrong, it won't be the first mistake I have made that ended up coming back on me and it surely won't be the last.
HE - from another thread running concurrent to yours... It just seemed appropriate...
I was in an EA to, and Entropy is 1000% correct in what he posted below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000
I was in an EA so I am telling you the straight deal. I know how it is. Until she goes through withdrawal she will not being able to think straight. It is chemical. It took me six weeks to withdraw and I was no where near doing what they are doing. So it may take her longer.
Do not be reflective right. be agressive. Kill the affair at all costs and then there will be time to reflect and mend. That takes time as well.
None-the-less this whole thing will come down to whether she still loves me. She lost those feelings for me some time ago, but I think they are still there or she would have left a long time ago.
Don't be so sure, she may just be afraid to be alone.
I believe there's a saying: "A person who is their own lawyer has a fool for a client" or something like that. I know you want to do things your own way and on your own timescale but the advice most people are giving is spot on and you may end up wishing you took it later once the dust settles.
We've been there, done that and many are projecting what we wished we should have done on you. Personally, I was like you and did things my way instead of taking the advice. I'd hate for you to regret your decisions like I did mine.
This is normal. Anyone who finds out their dirty secret is no longer a secret will be mad. If she is worried about what people thunk of her, all she has to do is express true remorse and contrition, make positive steps in the right direction, and people can and will usually forgive.
She's not really mad at you, in my opinion. She's mad at herself for the person she'd become and that others now know it. All she has to do is no longer be that person.
I wouldn't think twice about her anger. As previously posted, her emotions a raw right now. It'll pass once she really starts thinking rationally. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks Chaparral, I downloaded the book and will read it this weekend. I am currently reading "surviving the Affair" by Kevin Jackson. We actually had a another great talk. The way I worded things to her mother and sister worked well actually because they talked to her yesterday...and she was pretty angry that they did not "believe" me when i told them it was not an affair. None-the-less this whole thing will come down to whether she still loves me. She lost those feelings for me some time ago, but I think they are still there or she would have left a long time ago. She NOW admits she crossed the line and I am starting to see real remorse, not just "sorry I hurt you." It will take time folks. And, frankly, I don't think I have backed down at all. I won't cry in front of her, I am firm in my stance about the A and told her yesterday that if it starts again I am gone. I also told her that I need to figure out whether its worth my time to keep investing in a one-way marriage. THAT shocked her, at least by the look on her face. She is STILL concerned that I will contact OMW and for now I want to keep using that tool in that manner. Meanwhile, I am basically ignoring her. Short, but not nasty, responses to texts (mainly things like "do I need to get the kids?"). I am giving her all the space she wants, and as much as possible while we both have to be in the same house. We still sleep in the same bed to keep up appearance for the kids, but ground rule: NO touching.
Arnold, as for my Man Purse, I left it with my little black dress. C'mon man!
Well I think you sound much stronger and more confident. Other posters do not seem to be impressed and I hope they are wrong.
One thing I'm sure of is you have to use every tool possible to verify no contact and any other wayward behavior (GNOs etc.)
Good luck on the marriage and the business. Be strong and don't falter.
Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry... 
