Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-02-2011, 03:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

Well, I have followed all of the helpful advice here that I can. Had a long talk with the wife today. Her A has definately ended and we were on the edge of starting to rebuild. Discussion of the A with friends and family came up and I told her I had been in contact about it with her mom, sister and my family as well as certain friends. She blew up...I mean really blew up like I have never seen her do. Threw things at me. Said I had betrayed her worse than anything she had done to me, that she would never forgive me and that we were done. She left. I guess we are over.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

Give her time. If the A is truly over, she will process emotionally your actions and may return still.

Just like your initial relation upon knowing her A, she's reacting to your taken aggressive action to save the marriage.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

You betrayed her more by exposing her affair than by her cheating on you?............Oh Please. What is wrong with this picture?
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:32 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

I wouldn't give her time, just file and let her do all the hard work. Now you're gonna have to get on your knees and grovel for her to come back again, trust me on this. You're gonna have to be sorry and apologize for telling her parents and family, you're gonna have to make it up her to prove that she can trust you again to even try.

Give it time, and this is what you're gonna go through. You can win her back, but you're gonna have to do the hard work now from her point of view.

She just left the A, so she already did her hard work, giving that up for you, hahahahaha, what a joke because I have to laugh at myself. I'm back and the A is over and you know how hard that was, DO YOU, you better appreciate what I did to come back to you, what a sick bastard I was back then.

You didn't betray her, you told the truth.

And I keep telling everyone, the only way my wife got through to me was to just finally let me go, give up and tell me to get the hell out. Until that point, everything was still her fault, I never saw it as my fault until I finally came face to face with what I could be throwing away.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

I agree with Shaggy. Having to face the music of what you've done is tough. You surprised her with the fact that she is now humiliated in front of her family and yours and just lashed out. I confessed myself to both my family and my wife's the day after D Day - it was tough to do but it was part of taking ownership of my actions. Had the fact the I had been outed to everyone been sprung on me it would have really jarred me emotionally. I don't like the comparison of what you did to her betrayal of you but it was likely just emotional overload.

The other option is that the affair is actually still going on and you just made it more difficult for her. Hopefully you're certain that it's over and are comfortable this is not a possibility.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

I'm a cheater (EA), so forgive me for asking what may seem like a stupid question to the BS group.

If you were interested in R, why the need to tell others? Isn't it a personal issue between the H and W?

It would stop me in my tracks of R because of the added shame that comes with it. I'd have to leave the marriage and town.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:38 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

Listen good mate, the advice here is sound.
If you let her make you feel guilty, she will own your life for ever.
File for D, NEVER apologise for exposing her, once reality sets in and slaps her hard in the face, you will be seen as the strongest of the two of you and she will know it. It may make her come back at you with a genuine respect and desire to grow as a couple again.
If you want it.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

This is normal. Anyone who finds out their dirty secret is no longer a secret will be mad. If she is worried about what people thunk of her, all she has to do is express true remorse and contrition, make positive steps in the right direction, and people can and will usually forgive.

She's not really mad at you, in my opinion. She's mad at herself for the person she'd become and that others now know it. All she has to do is no longer be that person.

I wouldn't think twice about her anger. As previously posted, her emotions a raw right now. It'll pass once she really starts thinking rationally.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

Quote:
Originally Posted by HerToo View Post
I'm a cheater (EA), so forgive me for asking what may seem like a stupid question to the BS group.

If you were interested in R, why the need to tell others? Isn't it a personal issue between the H and W?

It would stop me in my tracks of R because of the added shame that comes with it. I'd have to leave the marriage and town.
Because it shows that you can own up to your mistake. That is one of the biggest points you can make to a BS that you can look them in the face and admit to them you screwed up and are willing to not have it happen again.

And that in turns will show the BS that you truly are sorry for what happened. If you can't face others because of what you did then you have no backbone to face yourself as to why you did it. Rug sweep it and nobody has to know.

The DS has no say in the consequences we face for our actions, all we can do is make sure it doesn't happen again to prove to others that you have changed.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

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Because it shows that you can own up to your mistake. That is one of the biggest points you can make to a BS that you can look them in the face and admit to them you screwed up and are willing to not have it happen again.

And that in turns will show the BS that you truly are sorry for what happened. If you can't face others because of what you did then you have no backbone to face yourself as to why you did it. Rug sweep it and nobody has to know.

The DS has no say in the consequences we face for our actions, all we can do is make sure it doesn't happen again to prove to others that you have changed.
Yup - Exactly why I confessed to both families myself with my wife in the room - I knew she needed to see me do it. Still wasn't fun though.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:44 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

Let her throw a tantrum , she caused this . You can survive her anger you cannot survive the ongoing affair. Have no doubt you have done right by exposing her affair and don't believe her is she blames your exposure for her leaving, her adultery is the reason and all her family and friends know it.

Bide your time , get legal advice and prepare for separation . Run the 180 and stick to your guns , if she does leave it says she would have done so anyway , if she return be firm and unapologetic , don't beg, grovel or be a doormat . If she persists assuming your children are old enough tell them the truth as to why she left.

I have seen many a wayward return to the marriage even after the anger and moving out of the home. Sit tight this may still work out ok
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

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Originally Posted by cheatinghubby View Post
Because it shows that you can own up to your mistake. That is one of the biggest points you can make to a BS that you can look them in the face and admit to them you screwed up and are willing to not have it happen again.

And that in turns will show the BS that you truly are sorry for what happened. If you can't face others because of what you did then you have no backbone to face yourself as to why you did it. Rug sweep it and nobody has to know.

The DS has no say in the consequences we face for our actions, all we can do is make sure it doesn't happen again to prove to others that you have changed.
It's not enough to face your betrayed spouse? I'm seriously asking because I was curious about this as well as HerToo.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

My wife wants no one else to know. I'm guessing it will shame her for others to know that she is married to a cheater.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

I actually think it would show great strength when people know you lovingly want to work things out with a spouse who did the worst thing any spouse could do to the other.
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:51 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Its Over, I cannot begin to even cry...

I'm sorry, but this is exactly why I shake my head when I read advice to BS's to tell everyone about what their WS did. And I am a BS. I certainly FELT like telling the whole world what a scumbag he was, but I didn't. Not right away, certainly. I did tell people that we had split up because of infidelity, but that was it, and that was only because there had to be an explanation as to why we weren't living together. I didn't specify who had cheated on whom. It never even crossed my mind to call up his family and tell them what he'd done or to discuss it with them once they found out, because he did tell them himself.

Sure, she caused the problem by lying and cheating, but to turn around and basically betray the person who betrayed you doesn't solve anything. Unless you really do not care about them any more. If you really want to try and make things work, want to truly try and reconcile, I believe that who to tell and when is something that should be a part of that process, and not done indiscriminately by the betrayed partner out of spite and/or in the anger stage.
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