When wayward's file divorce
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-02-2011, 04:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default When wayward's file divorce

After reading some interesting posts on many threads, I've seen that more often than not, the betrayed spouse is the one who usually is faced with the decision to file divorce or not. And based on all the various experiences, it seems that the BS taking this step has a positive affect in terms of marital recovery. But what Afternoons when the wayward files? It seems this is not the case most of the time, but are these situation more prone to really end in divorce?

I guess I ask the question because that's what happened in my case and it looks to really be the end. I eventually found out, confronted, exposed, and everything so she filed. I made the decision that I was gonna fight as hard as I could but nothing worked starting with me moving out so that my ww could get some space. I know that was my first mistake but it was done before I had any idea that infidelity was an issue. I would love to hear thoughts on this...

By the way, I'm doing really good dealing with it all now. I just wanted to see how common this is because I always seem to see it the other way around.
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Old 11-02-2011, 04:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: When wayward's file divorce

I would say that if the wayward files divorce is pretty much imminent.

They`re just done and want out.

Have you told her you may be willing to reconcile.
It could be that she just doesn`t even think you could want to so is trying to get it over with.

Have you spoken about it?
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Old 11-02-2011, 04:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: When wayward's file divorce

You can read my saga on the thread "could someone explain this fog?". Its been going on for a year. She didn't file until I confronted a guy she was having an affair with. She actually told her family we wouldn't be going through this if I had just left her alone. My translation: if he would have just let me have my fun and not say anything, I would've stayed with him. That's funny...
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Old 11-02-2011, 06:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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My ex Husband also filed after I exposed the affair to his family and few close friends. What appalled me the most is how calculated everything was on his end. In my case there was very little time between me finding the evidence and confronting. Not saying I was not going to file myself but I certainly gave him the opportunity to explain himself. After I exposed his affair we did not even have one conversation to say why he did it so I never got a real closure.

My divorce was final about a year ago. He is still with his 50 year old wh**e. I try to move on but everyday seems like insurmoutable struggle. He still denies his affair at least to me.

Funny thing, the OW just put up her house for sale. On the realtor.com website I just saw photos of the inside of the house. Recognized some of our old furniture including a Panda bear that belongs to our son(just made me sick). They live together but my ex also has an apartment where all his mail comes but I am almost positive that he is in her house most of the time. And this ***** collects alimony from her ex husband.

My ex moron of a husband has been paying off for some repairs and renos in her house before the listing. He has left me on the joint account so I still have access to it(I don't check it very often any more).
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Old 11-02-2011, 06:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I would say that if the wayward files divorce is pretty much imminent.

They`re just done and want out.
Sounds like an "exit affair."
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Old 11-02-2011, 06:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: When wayward's file divorce

I kinda thought that, too, but I it just didn't seem to fit because wife had just started medicine to help with conception of our second child (she has a pituitar tumor). We were also actively looking for our second home.

It started with a ONS that wasnt discovered until 1 1/2 months after we separated for her "space". I don't know. I guess I really shouldn't worry about it anymore.
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Old 11-02-2011, 06:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: When wayward's file divorce

I filed, but was, essentially forced to. My XW was invested in having it appear as if I was the moving force in the divorce. In reality, despite being given ample opportunity, she would not stop cheating.
But, I guess, in her mind, she felt that , at some point, she would be able to tell our kids I divorced her. Of course, she was not counting on the fact that I went public with the affair and exposed to the entire family.
I also, think, that on boards like these , where folks seem to be more willing to at leat consider reconcilliation, it may be more common that the BS files, after efforts have been unsuccessful
Perhaps among folks not coming to these sites, the cheater knows that being busted means certain divorce, as the betrayed has an abo****e zero tolerance. So, the cheater files pre-empively, perhps to give the appearance that the betrayed was so bad that the cheater filed.
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Old 11-02-2011, 06:49 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I am wondering if mine is going to file... I am not in a big hurry right now as I have all the money and I have the kids. I didn't want a divorce, he is the one that says he doesn't want to try to save the marriage. Hearing those words really hurts.
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
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My ex husband started the affair when our son was not even 10 months old. We spent 2 years fighting infertility and then I became pregnant out of the blue. He told me 6 months before I discovered the affair that if he got laid off from the job in CT(where we transferred from Canada) he would take 6 months off to spend them with me and son(we had no debt and he had it in his contract that they would pay him a year's worth of salary. He was a CEO of a company). We were making plans about moving somewhere else in the world, having another child. So how can something like this be an exit affair? The OW who worked with him did not start working at the company until after our son was born. She was fully aware who I was and that he had a child.

And now he goes around telling people how we have had problems for "years" conveniently omitting the fact that he had an affair.
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: When wayward's file divorce

I discovered my x affair on a Sunday morning. She left that day moved in with OM. Monday at ten am I texted her told her we needed to talk. she replied, My attorneys name is......his phone is...... Tuesday in the am she filed for divorce. Not ninety days later we were divorced. I offered R she was not interested. I believe that if the WW files it is as mentioned. They are done and want out. Certainly the deal in my case. We never had a talk about what happened, she never gave me a chance at R, just not interested. I believe now as I did then that she has more mental issues that just being unhappy with me, maybe that is just me still in denial. but how do you account for someone throwing away thirty years of marriage with no discussion, no remorse otherwise?
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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My ex husband started the affair when our son was not even 10 months old. We spent 2 years fighting infertility and then I became pregnant out of the blue. He told me 6 months before I discovered the affair that if he got laid off from the job in CT(where we transferred from Canada) he would take 6 months off to spend them with me and son(we had no debt and he had it in his contract that they would pay him a year's worth of salary. He was a CEO of a company). We were making plans about moving somewhere else in the world, having another child. So how can something like this be an exit affair? The OW who worked with him did not start working at the company until after our son was born. She was fully aware who I was and that he had a child.

And now he goes around telling people how we have had problems for "years" conveniently omitting the fact that he had an affair.
Very, very common. These folks really go on a PR campaign to keep a lid on the cheating. I can't tell you how may times I have see a cheater play the domestic violence card or the child molestation card, as well.
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: When wayward's file divorce

So what do you suggest I do in my defense so to speak?

Maybe I should start going around saying that he has mental issues. He started his affair while in position of power, used part of company money to finance the affair(and I have paper evidence of that). HE no longer works there. He and OW and many others were laid off few months before I discovered the affair.
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:43 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: When wayward's file divorce

Everything above applies to me. One of her friends, who lives in another state, is 40, divorced, has a gambling problem and lives with his mom. But every dog has his day and mine is just around the corner. Yesterday she was reminding how she was not vendictive how she had been very nice to me because she didn't turn off the electricity, didn't turn off my phone, etc. I guess the part where she divorced me, split up my family and trying to take half of what I own isn't being a greedy, heartless b***h. She was trying to convince me that she was being very nice in this divorce because she fears me dropping the bomb on her and her co-workers.
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:45 PM   #14 (permalink)
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So what do you suggest I do in my defense so to speak?
Nothing, stay above it.

The people you care about know the truth, screw the rest of them.
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Old 11-02-2011, 09:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I discovered my x affair on a Sunday morning. She left that day moved in with OM. Monday at ten am I texted her told her we needed to talk. she replied, My attorneys name is......his phone is...... Tuesday in the am she filed for divorce. Not ninety days later we were divorced. I offered R she was not interested. I believe that if the WW files it is as mentioned. They are done and want out. Certainly the deal in my case. We never had a talk about what happened, she never gave me a chance at R, just not interested. I believe now as I did then that she has more mental issues that just being unhappy with me, maybe that is just me still in denial. but how do you account for someone throwing away thirty years of marriage with no discussion, no remorse otherwise?
It wasn't like that with us (I know not all are the same). We were actively working for our second child and looking for a new house. She only filed when I confronted her om (by phone and nonviolently). He cut ties that day because she told him she was divorced. That made her mad. She filed the next day.
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