Ok, so here is the situation. My wife and I will have been married for a year this coming December. A few weeks ago, I discovered a series of emails in-between her and a former boyfriend. They were from early to mid-August, 2010, a couple in September, a few in October, and then nothing really until this past July. It is complicated because she did tell me about the ones in August, but not again until the ones this past July. She changed her email address when we got married to one with her new last name, but never got rid of the old one, and that is the one this guy emails her on.
I really wished I had not seen the emails, but now that I have, I realize that she didn't tell me the whole truth about them. When she told me about them, originally, she stated that he had just emailed her to see what was happening, he had invited her to dinner, she said no, and she told him about me. (We have been together since summer, 2010. After reading the emails, all of that is true, but she left out the fact that she told him she still loved him, missed him, etc. Now, there is no evidence from the emails that anything other than emotional went on, and I truely believe that she loves me and hasn't cheated on me, I am very hurt and confused by the emails. I want to confront her about it, but I am worried that 1) she will not appreciate me logging into her email, which would be a valid point, and 2) I am making too big of a deal, and I just need to get over it unless the contact starts up again.
I think what hurts me the most isn't so much what was said in-between the two of them, but that she didn't tell me the whole truth about what was going on, which causes me to think that there is more there.
I think one thing that hurts the most is that in one email, the other guy, after learning about me, says that he is jealous, and my girlfriend (now wife) told him, "you have nothing to be jeolous about, you had my heart before I even met him [me]".
What I keep telling myself is that the bulk of this happened before we were even engaged, but it still really bothers me. For what it's worth, the emails in July were not quite like that, other than the other guy saying he was getting a divorce, askiing if she was in love, to which she replied that she was, that I am a good man..But then she tells him that "You have to know that I've loved you." So, I do not know....I want to confront her, but am unsure if I am making too big of a deal over it.
You're married to her. You should be able to talk to her about anything, good or bad. You need answers that only she has. You need comfort that you are the only one. If she said that she still loved him when you two were engaged, she had an emotional affair.
Just tell her that you are feeling a little insecure about the emails and need reassurance that it's over for good. Start from there.
So Dado5 speaking from 25 years experience dealing with similar circumstances I can honestly say that the way you feel now will likely never go away.
People always say "Well she married you and you have her heart" and that is likely true but what bothers me is that he has always had her mind and the evidence is that he still does after all these years.
Completely appropriate to confront/inquire about lying. She has no standing to object to the snooping, although she almost certanly will.
Her reaction will be very telling. Hostlity,defensiveness= affair. Concern and remorse =bad judgement.
Completely appropriate to confront/inquire about lying. She has no standing to object to the snooping, although she almost certanly will.
Her reaction will be very telling. Hostlity,defensiveness= affair. Concern and remorse =bad judgement.
Privacy such as this has no place in a marriage, IMHO. She will get away with what you ALLOW her to get away with.
It is seldom good to keep secrets so you must tell her. You were not really snooping you came across the an old email account that you thought was deleted and you wondered if there was any important email on the account. I am certain you did not think that she had concealed the nature of her communications.
The last contact was 3 months ago, is he divorced yet? I ask because I wonder if you should monitor for a while before talking to her. If his divorce is final soon he may try to contact her. Who contacted whom first? Did she shut the door resolutely in the last email in July. Does he live nearby?
I don't know if this is useful or not but you may want to call him after speaking with her and tell him to get on with his life and leave your wife alone.
I wonder how she would feel if she found email of the same nature between you and an old gf. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think the content of emails are so bad that it can be construed as Affair. She was just being truthful about her relationship with him in those emails, and nothing more. As long as she has not slept with him during your courtship period and never contacted him after marriage, the situation is not all that bad. I do not see any lack of integrity or her commitment to her marriage from those emails.
However, your concern is also justified that she was not 100% truthful with the extent of her relationship with him or the correspondence you found. The only reason you would not want to reveal the source of your snooping is if this is ongoing affair. In this case, you have nothing to lose by confronting her and demanding NC with him.
From the emails, I don't have any huge worry that anything physical has occured since we have been together, and I truely believe that my wife loves me, and only me. What is interesting, is that the other night, which was the night after I originally started this thread, we were just having a conversation, and the subject of these emails, among other things came up. I did not let on all that I know, hoping instead that she use the opening and talk to me about it. She has only told me about two times they have emailed. Once back in Aug last year, and then when he emailed her back in July. I asked her point blank if those were the only two times they emailed, and she said that they were (lie No.1) and I also asked her if he knows that we are married. (The old email has her maiden name, and her new email has her married name)... She told me that she said she was "happily married." From the emails I have seen, there is no evidence to support this. She told me that she has deleted all emails from him, and never responded, but this is a lie, as well. All the emails I've read are from the SENT folder, not the INBOX, where all emails from this guy have been deleted.
All in all, I am now more upset about the lying. The emails are suspect, but could be much worse. Since everything in the SENT folder is intact, I see absolutely no evidence that she contacted him first. He contacts her first every time.
I have no desire to monitor the acct for further emails, although I agree that he will most likely contact her when the divorce is final, but at this point I just need to have it out, and get everything out in the open. My plan is that tomorrow morning, she will go to work before me. I will text her to see if I can login to her acct to forward myself a picture that I emailed her from my phone long ago that I no longer have, and will need for a project, which is true. That will give me the opening to bring it all up, and go from there. I'll let her know that I love her, and that I believe she loves me, but I am deeply hurt by the secrets and lying. I'll forward her all the emails, to make sure she knows that I read everything, and then see what she says. It's scary, but I refuse to be lied to. My hope is that she apologizes, is remorseful, and promises to never let it happen again. We will see...
You are married----so 1st you can look at anything---THERE IS NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY IN A MGE.----you want privacy, you stay single
As to the E-mails, only the E-mails after you married are inapropos---the lying is a problem
For your mge., to have cracks at less than a year is a major problem
Do not play games, do not be devious---just sit her down, and have a serious talk-----tell her, what you know, what you have seen, and ask her point blank, why she lied, and found a need to lie
Get it out in the open, and let the chips fall where they will.
You need to be able to converse with each other, and you sure as he*l DO NOT WANT TO START A MGE. WITH ONE OF THE SPOUSES LIEING, AND HIDING THINGS
You are married----so 1st you can look at anything---THERE IS NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY IN A MGE.----you want privacy, you stay single
As to the E-mails, only the E-mails after you married are inapropos---the lying is a problem
For your mge., to have cracks at less than a year is a major problem
Do not play games, do not be devious---just sit her down, and have a serious talk-----tell her, what you know, what you have seen, and ask her point blank, why she lied, and found a need to lie
Get it out in the open, and let the chips fall where they will.
You need to be able to converse with each other, and you sure as he*l DO NOT WANT TO START A MGE. WITH ONE OF THE SPOUSES LIEING, AND HIDING THINGS
JNJ has a lot of good points. You really need to confront her about this, RIGHT NOW! You have been married for only a year, and if your dates are correct, she has been texting/E-MAILING him almost up to the wedding. HUGE red flag. The content of the texts are also of great concern. Her telling him she loves him even after you became a couple, and that, " he has her heart", shows massive dis-respect and dishonesty. I really don't see what explanation she could give, but whatever it is, you need to know about it NOW. Look at it this way, they have exchanged e-mails, containing professions of love, and she has only told you about the old ones or the harmless ones. I bet she didn't tell you about the ones where she tells him she loves him, did she? It has only been a year, why put yourself through this crap? Confront her, today, and if she gets angry and defensive, you need to kick her to the curb. If she is remorseful and shows a willingness to correct her behavior, then you have a chance. But above all, she is to have NO FURTHER CONTACT WITH HIM......EVER!!!!
This is bad news that you have caught her in so many lies. She is destroying any credibility in your eyes. I am glad that you will confront on this. Lying should not be an option from her. Good luck.
I think she is experiencing buyer's remorse about her marriage to you, and there are red flags that need to be adressed. Privacy is different than secrecy.
JNJ has a lot of good points. You really need to confront her about this, RIGHT NOW! You have been married for only a year, and if your dates are correct, she has been texting/E-MAILING him almost up to the wedding. HUGE red flag. The content of the texts are also of great concern. Her telling him she loves him even after you became a couple, and that, " he has her heart", shows massive dis-respect and dishonesty. I really don't see what explanation she could give, but whatever it is, you need to know about it NOW. Look at it this way, they have exchanged e-mails, containing professions of love, and she has only told you about the old ones or the harmless ones. I bet she didn't tell you about the ones where she tells him she loves him, did she? It has only been a year, why put yourself through this crap? Confront her, today, and if she gets angry and defensive, you need to kick her to the curb. If she is remorseful and shows a willingness to correct her behavior, then you have a chance. But above all, she is to have NO FURTHER CONTACT WITH HIM......EVER!!!!
Ex Lovers are forever a threat. She should be totally NC from this guy. Her comments are already unfaithful.
Discovered old emails my wife sent to her ex 
