DeenaBoBeena

My husband normally takes the train in to work, but once a week or so he'll take the car if it's more convenient (like on the days he has IC at 9am). Yesterday was such a day, and it was the first opportunity for me to use the VAR I bought a week ago.

I'm still only about halfway through his drive home, but I noticed two things during the morning portions I listened to: he ordered oatmeal at a drive-thru, and while he listened to NPR on the way to his therapist's, on the way into the city, he had the radio off and my best guess was that he was listening to something on his phone (I could hear something very faint, the same way I could hear my voice when he called me on the phone to tell me he was leaving IC to go to work). I hinted around last night, trying to get him to tell me about those two things.. he said, "Oh, I got coffee in the morning but didn't get to drink it until after IC, and it was cold" and when I pushed a little more, he said, "I got a muffin, too, but never ate it." Then he insisted that he'd listened to NPR on the way in, the end of BBC and then On Point.

I have no idea why he would be lying about breakfast. Maybe he truly forgot what he'd eaten earlier in the day? No idea. The radio thing.. he had been subscribed to Sirius, but canceled it after D-Day (he'd put us in debt and we needed the money). Maybe he found some way to pay for that without telling me? I don't know what else he would have been listening to that he wouldn't have wanted me to know about.

So anyway.. my question is, do I confront him about these 'minor' issues and reveal that I have a VAR, or do I hold on to it on the off chance he is contacting the other women? I don't think he is, but obviously I'm not certain. I probably wouldn't have the chance to use the VAR until next Thursday, and the idea of going about our business as usual without confronting him about these lies sounds horrible to me. I'm not a very patient person.

What would you do?

Mike188

No. Why confront him over oatmeal. I did the VAR recorder once I can tell you when/if he finds out he is going to be pissed. Why are you using it? Do you suspect him of cheating? Don't make the mistake of confronting him the first time you hear something suspicious. I can tell by your post, though, that's what you will probably do
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sigma1299

No way I'd reveal it over that. 1. I wouldn't want to admitted I had planted a VAR over oatmeal, 2. Once revealed it's worthless so you'll never get anything more if there is anything to get.
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DeenaBoBeena

Oh, he was definitely cheating. He's trying to be transparent, but he's a habitual or pathological liar.. it's his default instinct. Something he's working on in IC, apparently.

Anyway. I re-listened to the morning part and he did actually order a coffee and a muffin, but also oatmeal. I guess I focused on that last night because I didn't know you could order oatmeal at a drive-thru.

He's offered to carry a VAR on him at all times, so I don't think he'd be mad if I told him I'd put one in the car. Not saying that he wouldn't have any negative feelings about it, but I don't think anger would be one of them.

ETA: I'm not concerned about the oatmeal. I'm concerned over whatever it was that he was listening to. It sounded a little like Howard Stern, and I don't know if he can get podcasts of his show for free--legally. If he's concealing a bank account or something through which he's paying for Sirius--who knows what else he's doing.

tacoma

Don't confront over this, you'll lose the VAR as a resource which might lead you to miss critical info.

The part of the recording your focussing on is irrelevant because you can't hear it clearly so just try to forget about it.

I'm a strong advocate of snooping if you have reason to but I usually fail to warn that the snooping itself can drive you crazy.

It's hard but you have to stop trying to piece together little snippets of inconclusive info to fit them into a nice little box.
Your chances of being wrong about any unfounded assumptions can hurt your cause, they definTely won't help you.

If there is something to be found you will find it eventually in the form of hard evidence.

Bide your time and think rationally.
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Tover26

The value of a VAR is to get evidence for either divorce or intervention... there's another guy on this forum who got his wife having a quickie in the car with some other guy, as an example. Are most people really that aware of their breakfasts? I'm not. And if you weren't in the habit of asking me about it, it'd kind of weird me out.

If he has Sirius, take his car for a drive or call Sirius and confirm the account is closed. It's not that hard.

DeenaBoBeena

I think he had it on his phone, it wasn't part of the car. We only have one car, and it doesn't have Sirius. I also don't have any account info, since he said he canceled it immediately after D-Day and they stopped withdrawing from our bank account.

I'm not going to tell him about it (unless I find something on the last part of his drive home, I'm still listening--but he got home early last night, so I doubt I'll find anything).

As for the asking about his day, it wasn't obvious. He's admitted that he's kept me out of his work/social life, leading a 'double' life even when he wasn't cheating (this is something I was aware of, and complained about through most of our relationship). So we've been working to get him to share more of his day, and my questions about his breakfast and what he listened to were very much in line with that.