I recently discovered my wife has been having and emotional affair for about a year, she has downplayed the significance of this, and only has admitted things if i drag them out of her, she said from the beginning it was only a friend, but yesterday i she admitted that maybe they fell in love with each other but never said it. the one msg log i found it was evident that they did admit it, he saying i love you and she responding me too. she said that it was just in a friendship way but prior in the conversation he said he would be dreaming of her, which to me is not in a just friendship.
thing is, she wants to just forget it and move on, and my heart (and everything i have read) says that will not work. we just moved to a different country and our things still haven't been sent, and she wants to go back to get rid of anything that she had saved between them, she has already done that here where we are. and to top it off she wants total privacy.
in her mind she says we need to fix our financial issues then deal with this but that she loves me and would never break up our marriage as she could not do that to our children.
please let me know if you think i'm an idiot to even try in this situation
You really need to see what she is trying to hide. That and the privacy things point to the fact that there is way more going on. She's desperate to cover something up.
I did not understand this part. What did she save and why does she need to go back to get rid of them?
She had saved any contact or correspondence, chat logs, emails etc to a flash drive she had her with us, that way i wouldn't find it on her computer, she said that drive was erased and given to her mother, i have not seen it since.
I had found a very inappropriate conversation on her facebook chat, that was the second give away, the first was when i accidentally found her asking friends on facebook what to buy as a present for a good friend (this question was blocked from my account and i only found it as a friend of mine wanted to share a post of hers that he had seen on my computer and couldn't find the post, so as i was looking through her account on his phone i came across it.
the things she wants to travel to dispose of from what i gather is another flash drive and perhaps some letters.
I suggest you get those items and verify exactly what she is hiding. If you want honesty then she had best start by letting you read what she said and what plans she made with this guy . Posted via Mobile Device
Obviously, she is ambivalent about her M at this point, but OM is overseas and therefore, she is not sure that this relationship can evolve to anything real either. So, she is fencesitting now, and her family is semi-condoning this relationship with OM.
You have to push her hard to make the decision. She will probably try to continue some kind of communication with OM to keep that option open till she is sure what to do.
Obviously, she is ambivalent about her M at this point, but OM is overseas and therefore, she is not sure that this relationship can evolve to anything real either. So, she is fencesitting now, and her family is semi-condoning this relationship with OM.
You have to push her hard to make the decision. She will probably try to continue some kind of communication with OM to keep that option open till she is sure what to do.
I agree with you that I think I will have to push hard, and that there may be some communication ongoing, she is playing dumb as to technology and what she says she knows, but her having figured out to block the OM on my facebook acct? well i wouldn't have thought of that and I am very tech savy.
I don't think she is ambivelent about the M, but i don't think she grasps the gravity or wants to take responsibility for the EA, in EVERYTHING that I have read, the most successful reconciliations come with full disclosure and transparency, I already told her not knowing makes my mind wander to the worst possible scenarios, is this the only guy? how long has this been going on (with the OM in question i'm pretty sure i know as just after first contact she asked if would be ok for him to send cd's that weren't available where we were, she was very open at that time) but i told her my mind could wander to are the kids mine? everyone here knows full well what happens.
as for her parents, the did not condone it at all, they said they were ashamed of her and wanted to know that it was over. They told me I have to accept she is telling the truth and move on, they are old school, Latin and do not speak English well, but are very proper. they considered me trying to get her to full disclosure or finding things for myself were harassing her, her father threatened on 2 occasions to call the police, so now i am in limbo...
i'm sure this has been posted somewhere before but i just came across it, to me it makes perfect sense, has anyone tried anything like this and what were the results?
methinks u r obsessed with finding the truth, for truths sake; this is good/ok, tho' some purists would argue u should be primarily motivated by saving your marriage for both yer sakes.
i think, u hint at being desperate to keep yer W and what u had
once upon a time. faaaahhhggeeeeetttaaaabout it, THATS gone, long gone, was gone before u knew about it.
u r not alone. look around this site. theres "bodies" everywhere, dead/wounded/"in the line of fire"/suspicious-skeptics/& accidents waiting to happen but dont know it yet.
i think u need to stop entertaining yerself (and us) by preparing
an exit strategy instead of obsessing on how much intel u can gather (to do what exactly?) on what seems perfectly clear:
Yer W has been (for some time longer than u know, perhaps more episodes or men u dont know....sorry...but "man up" mon)
looking elsewhere for "love needs"/financial security etc, and
may or may not stop at nothing to achieve it, covertly or overtly.
methinks u need this cold slap in the face even tho' i pray
the best for yer future marr'd life together; for it seems the
way u write u r in some degree of denial as well as obsession.
i could understand the obsession if what u found was ambiguous, cloudy, etc, but c'mon....its clear n stinky as
dogshat on yer shoes now treking into yer home. ya digg me/feel me yet?
i dont get her parents unless theres something u r not telling us
specifically about u and how u relate to them; then again, u know what they say about blood thicker than water, right?
wtf do u need to care bout what they think!? u need to treat them as lawyers say,"hostile witnesses" to the crime of infidelity yer W has perp'd on you. leave them out, as u dont
need to fight two or more fronts in a war u r currently battling
with NOT flesh n blood but, prinicpalities n powers (spirit realm).
read around TAM; do yer homework. u'll save alot of time n energy as well as saving us & u from pages n pages of repetitive childs play we've all seen too often here before. we wanna help but come
on, do some legwork here to save yer leg work out there (in the real
world, comprende?)
praying "the fog" leaves her & OM soon, real soooooon.
no i am not obsessed about finding the truth, like most people here i love my wife deeply and my family and would like to be able to salvage that if at all possible, disclosure is one of the main steps to my healing and from what i understand the other option is the trickle truth which will at best delay any proper reconciliation or destroy any chance.
your comment that i am desperate to keep my W to what was before is also way off the mark, I am fully aware there is no going back, but as i told her this can make us stronger if we deal with it correctly.
as for what do i care what her parents think, normally i could care less unless that was to put stress on my wife, but in the current situation we are living with them until we can get settled, makes things a little more complicated.
if everything was cut and dry and i thought my wife didn't love me i wouldn't be here, its trying to find the best way through this mess as what most people seem to be doing here.
I have been reading around this board as well as many other sites, thank you for your input but very little is of use
She had saved any contact or correspondence, chat logs, emails etc to a flash drive she had her with us, that way i wouldn't find it on her computer, she said that drive was erased and given to her mother, i have not seen it since.
I had found a very inappropriate conversation on her facebook chat, that was the second give away, the first was when i accidentally found her asking friends on facebook what to buy as a present for a good friend (this question was blocked from my account and i only found it as a friend of mine wanted to share a post of hers that he had seen on my computer and couldn't find the post, so as i was looking through her account on his phone i came across it.
the things she wants to travel to dispose of from what i gather is another flash drive and perhaps some letters.
What kind of evidence would require an overseas trip? Sex tapes?I think this is going to end up ugly. How can she try to R without honesty?
warlock, you misunderstood, we have moved and have to have our things sent to where we are now, its not overseas, but it makes wary, she says the details the i miss you's etc will just hurt me, she doesn't get it....or it is something terrible, who knows thats why i'm here
Well hopefully it looks like things are looking up.
I shared a modified version of the letter (link above) that i found on another site along with a barrage of links on how to properly get through this and she changed her tune, we are going together to close the sale on our house and at that time, we will ensure she doesn't destroy what she kept there regarding the EA and we will give it to a MC and she will respect their decision as to the need to disclose.
I have made it perfectly clear, if it come to light that this is not over, or if it happens again, I will be gone so quick she won't have a clue what hit her.
The truly positive thing about this, is that she has agreed to counseling, I have suggested it many times in the past and she just blew it off. Now this is one of my terms....non negotiable!
Counseling is only a step but not a cure and not a way of showing remorse. Alot of cheaters go just to shut the other spouse up and stop riding their backs. Ok, I'll do counseling, and then dead silence during sessions or just attacking the LS as the cause of the problems.
She shows zero remorse and wants to give zero transparency. You're screwed, she's got worse things to hide and you're gonna bury your head in the sand on this one.
Well, I hope you both the best and really hope it works out but it you never fix the problem the 1st time, you'll be back.
Re: between a rock and a hard place 
