Hard and blunt here:
I recently discovered my wife has been having and emotional affair for about a year, she has downplayed the significance of this, and only has admitted things if i drag them out of her, she said from the beginning it was only a friend, but yesterday i she admitted that maybe they fell in love with each other but never said it. the one msg log i found it was evident that they did admit it, he saying i love you and she responding me too. she said that it was just in a friendship way but prior in the conversation he said he would be dreaming of her, which to me is not in a just friendship.
What utter B.S. This was not a friendship, like you said it was an affair. Are you sure it wasn't physical to? She's gas lighting you and giving you trickle truth here.
thing is, she wants to just forget it and move on, and my heart (and everything i have read) says that will not work. we just moved to a different country and our things still haven't been sent, and she wants to go back to get rid of anything that she had saved between them, she has already done that here where we are. and to top it off she wants total privacy.
Again, utter B.S. She's rug sweeping it, likely trying to go back and reestablish contact and she has less than zero right to privacy. Her privacy got you a cheating wife didn't it?
in her mind she says we need to fix our financial issues then deal with this but that she loves me and would never break up our marriage as she could not do that to our children.
please let me know if you think i'm an idiot to even try in this situation
And the final installment of B.S. She would never break up your marriage because you are her safety net, comfort, fall back, and likely financial supporter. Why leave when she's got you doing the work and her OM to fill her emotional needs?
Bottom line is she's not even the least bit remorseful and you can't even begin to reconcile without remorse on her part. Understand remorse is different than guilt but it doesn't sound like she's got that either. How do you know the affair is over? Based on your post I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that it's still going on. She's reading from the waywards script damn near verbatim. You are not wrong to feel like she's not dealing with this. Unfortunately until she takes some ownership, gets some remorse and does the things necessary to reconcile like willingly giving up privacy your efforts will likely be wasted and may in fact be counter productive.