between a rock and a hard place
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-04-2011, 02:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Hi

I recently discovered my wife has been having and emotional affair for about a year, she has downplayed the significance of this, and only has admitted things if i drag them out of her, she said from the beginning it was only a friend, but yesterday i she admitted that maybe they fell in love with each other but never said it. the one msg log i found it was evident that they did admit it, he saying i love you and she responding me too. she said that it was just in a friendship way but prior in the conversation he said he would be dreaming of her, which to me is not in a just friendship.

thing is, she wants to just forget it and move on, and my heart (and everything i have read) says that will not work. we just moved to a different country and our things still haven't been sent, and she wants to go back to get rid of anything that she had saved between them, she has already done that here where we are. and to top it off she wants total privacy.

in her mind she says we need to fix our financial issues then deal with this but that she loves me and would never break up our marriage as she could not do that to our children.

please let me know if you think i'm an idiot to even try in this situation
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Old 11-04-2011, 02:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: between a rock and a hard place

You are not an idiot to try, and you came to the right place.

You got her to step one, which was admitting it. Step two is remorse, and she isn't doing this. Until she is remorseful, she is very apt to continue the affair under your nose. The fact she has refused to be transparent with you is a huge red flag they are still in contact. She needs to cut it off with him and show you her NC (no contact) note/letter/whatever as proof. Then she has to give you access to her passwords and such.

Until you get to this stage, there is no point in giving you more advice on what happens after that. It's just the beginning. But there is always hope that you can salvage your marriage. Good luck.
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Old 11-04-2011, 02:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: between a rock and a hard place

I don't want to hijack this thread, but if my wife and her girlfriend talk about love and loving each other in their correspondence, is it different because it's another woman?
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Old 11-04-2011, 02:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: between a rock and a hard place

Privacy means the ability to keep secrets in the marriage and that will kill the marriage.

She wants to both rug sweep, and have total privacy do she can continue the EA without problem or threat from you. Both would be a disaster to your marriage.
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Old 11-04-2011, 02:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: between a rock and a hard place

Hard and blunt here:

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Originally Posted by q4truth View Post
Hi

I recently discovered my wife has been having and emotional affair for about a year, she has downplayed the significance of this, and only has admitted things if i drag them out of her, she said from the beginning it was only a friend, but yesterday i she admitted that maybe they fell in love with each other but never said it. the one msg log i found it was evident that they did admit it, he saying i love you and she responding me too. she said that it was just in a friendship way but prior in the conversation he said he would be dreaming of her, which to me is not in a just friendship.
What utter B.S. This was not a friendship, like you said it was an affair. Are you sure it wasn't physical to? She's gas lighting you and giving you trickle truth here.

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Originally Posted by q4truth View Post
thing is, she wants to just forget it and move on, and my heart (and everything i have read) says that will not work. we just moved to a different country and our things still haven't been sent, and she wants to go back to get rid of anything that she had saved between them, she has already done that here where we are. and to top it off she wants total privacy.
Again, utter B.S. She's rug sweeping it, likely trying to go back and reestablish contact and she has less than zero right to privacy. Her privacy got you a cheating wife didn't it?

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in her mind she says we need to fix our financial issues then deal with this but that she loves me and would never break up our marriage as she could not do that to our children.

please let me know if you think i'm an idiot to even try in this situation
And the final installment of B.S. She would never break up your marriage because you are her safety net, comfort, fall back, and likely financial supporter. Why leave when she's got you doing the work and her OM to fill her emotional needs?

Bottom line is she's not even the least bit remorseful and you can't even begin to reconcile without remorse on her part. Understand remorse is different than guilt but it doesn't sound like she's got that either. How do you know the affair is over? Based on your post I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that it's still going on. She's reading from the waywards script damn near verbatim. You are not wrong to feel like she's not dealing with this. Unfortunately until she takes some ownership, gets some remorse and does the things necessary to reconcile like willingly giving up privacy your efforts will likely be wasted and may in fact be counter productive.
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Old 11-04-2011, 06:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: between a rock and a hard place

well the only reassurance i have that it wasn't physical is that the OM in question is overseas, through pictures on his facebook profile it seems that he has the ability to travel for work conventions at least
the fact that my wife wants to get rid of whatever she was saving makes me nervous, as how devastating can it be that she requires a trip to make sure i don't find it
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Old 11-04-2011, 06:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
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today i was going to send her some links to have her read the best way to repair trust and rebuild the relationship, then i thought that she might think i was just pushing my side, so i told her what i was thinking of doing and that it would be best if she researched it for herself so that she could understand, i guess there is not much hope as she said again that she didn't even have time for that, that her priority was for us to get established first then deal with it, (a far cry from i will do anything to fix things she said when i had left the house with my passport)
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Old 11-04-2011, 06:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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another little interesting tidbit, she had gone into my facebook acct and blocked the OM, originally denied it then admitted to it, and after discovery day, and she notified the OM of discovery, he blocked me. sounds soooooo innocent doesn't it?
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Old 11-04-2011, 07:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: between a rock and a hard place

To put it simply: she's still in the affair.

She's now, in fact, going to hide it better.

You now need to decide for yourself if you want to stay with a cheater.
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Old 11-04-2011, 08:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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And the final installment of B.S. She would never break up your marriage because you are her safety net, comfort, fall back, and likely financial supporter. Why leave when she's got you doing the work and her OM to fill her emotional needs?
thats the thing, we have been going through financial problems for a long time, and i am not her financial supporter/fallback/safety net.

Her parents think I was harassing her trying to resolve this after discovery and we got into a big fight, i went to leave and she freaked out like i have never seen, its soo confusing
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Old 11-04-2011, 09:59 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: between a rock and a hard place

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thats the thing, we have been going through financial problems for a long time, and i am not her financial supporter/fallback/safety net.

Her parents think I was harassing her trying to resolve this after discovery and we got into a big fight, i went to leave and she freaked out like i have never seen, its soo confusing
Full transparency, no privacy no secrets, nothing else to say.
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Old 11-04-2011, 10:27 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: between a rock and a hard place

There is one more thing that must be said here. It is no longer her say in the matter. Your wife lost that right with her EA and her love for another man.

It is up to her to help you heal under your terms.Her submission will help you heal or her continued effort to put up the wall will screw up the marriage.

There is only one question....does she want to stay married to you?

The answer to this wll tell you if she has the commitment to fix this bs...


I hope her answer is yes and the new q4truth has specific terms that need to be met for a healthier marriage.

Be warned your wife may have some of her own term for a healthy marriage, but the main thing here is that her adultorus behavior be addressed and learned from, so that it never happens again.

So for this sole purpose her A must be put on the table and opened up. A consequence she needs to face and learned from.

Looking at this ughly pain and shameful event in her marriage is ...IMO the healthiest way to prevent it from happening again... years from now!
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:46 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: between a rock and a hard place

If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? Her actions indicate that she has little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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Old 11-05-2011, 02:24 AM   #14 (permalink)
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If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? Her actions indicate that she has little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
thats part of the problem, she has hung onto mistakes i have made, (never an A) and the problems we have been going through financially for quite a long period, she has also had to shoulder the burden of her parents helping us, none of this is an excuse for her behavior, but I think she has talked herself into the EA, I understand how it could happen given our situation, I just can't deal with sweeping it under the rug or deal with it later mentality.

she just told me contrary to what she had said earlier today that she would read up on what it takes to get through this, not sure where that fits in as she was clear earlier she had no intention, but now says thats not what she said.

She is super stressed and probably depressed. not so much with our relationship as far as i can tell but with the situation we have been going through, today I thought about telling her we are going to separate until she decides she wants to deal with it, hopefully a wake up call to her, but our youngest son's birthday is in 3 days, and i can't do that to our kids at this point. I have taken off my ring today (i believe she noticed that) and have made myself mostly unavailable especially for bs.
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Old 11-05-2011, 02:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: between a rock and a hard place

I'm sure she noticed, that why she's back peddling on her earlier statements.
The indifference you are showing maybe getting her to think twice about healing the marriage, and excepting one of the consequences of her infidelity(owning it and facing it).
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