Hey Quality, sounds like you think you know a lot about me.
I only know what I've read. I'm willing to learn more so I can understand why you do what you do and try to get you to reconsider.
Meeting with a publicist? No publicist, Quality. I have a publisher -- Hachette. And an agent. My evil machinations exploiting market niches paid off!
No idea you were a poster here. Welcome to the discussion
Hey, I have a useless Masters degree in Southern African history!
My credentials are that I was chumped. And that I can write decently and draw cartoons.
That's not really a credential as most people would expect that term to be used but when it's all you've got.
I don't pretend to be anything other than a chump with a POV. Apparently my whole "leave a cheater" market niche resonates. Either that or I've got a FABULOUS publicist.
You're not that big a deal. It's still a tiny market niche. It can be funny at times but it's still a toxic place for emotional distraught recently betrayed. I understand you think otherwise, but these people need professional help not a humourist who can "write decently" telling them her very myopic {yet creative} POV.
If cheaters would stop doing dumb and predictable things, there would be so much less to satirize.
Satirize away. Just don't color satire as helpful advice or as a "resource"
Define "recover." Endure, yes.
:
Word games ~ fun
Recover
1. to become healthy and strong again after an illness or weakness
2. to return to normal health:
3. to return to a normal state after a period of difficulty.
Endure
1. to continue to exist in the same state or condition:
2. to experience (pain or suffering) for a long time
3. to deal with or accept (something unpleasant)
I'd have to say we are a combination of both words. Our marriage is certainly "healthy and strong" but I wouldn't say "again" or "returned to a normal state" because it wasn't that "healthy and strong" prior to her affair and we didn't want to go back to that. We've both certainly endured and "dealt with or accepted" something unpleasant to both of us. We are neither of us in the same state or condition nor are we experiencing any pain or suffering. Sometimes it's difficult for her when we share our testimony but that's certainly not her "enduring" our relationship in a negative way.
I can see how putting out those two little words implies recovery denial. You are saying "sure couples stay together (endure) but they aren't healthy or actually "recovered". Since no one can actually measure "healthy" and no one wants "a return to normal" {recovery is only worth it if things get BETTER}, you're denial is almost foolproof. But I've met way too many truly wonderful happy and healthy couples that have both endured and recovered from infidelity to see no significant difference between the terms. To endure and actually deal with or accept the situation is a pretty successful step towards thriving as a successfully recovered couple
I'm not opposed to reconciliation. I just think it's exceedingly rare. And a lot of "experts" profit off of false hope. I created my site to be an alternative to the 99.9 percent of infidelity resources that over sell reconciliation, and blameshift fault to chumps.
I agree that a lot of "experts" profiting off false information and guidance. I'm actually shocked by how many waywards {or should I call them cheaters} are in the business. David Olson, of Prepare and Enrich, John Gottman and Dr. Glover of no more mr nice guy just to name a few. But there are also real experts and blogs with pretty balanced information too. But I find it odd you state reconciliation is possible (but rare) and then bash all experts and "experts" alike for "profiting" off false hope. If there IS some hope, no matter how rare, who are you to deny someone pursuing it? Actually, if there is hope, no matter how rare, then your alternative humour (not advice) isn't a true "resource" at all. it's a lie because you clearly know hope exists. Oversold, sure by other pseudo expert online profiteers like Amy Waterman and Marty Fertle, but the true experts and experienced marriage councilors usually reveal right up front how difficult recovery from infidelity truly is.
I don't regret attempting reconciliation. I think most people who are betrayed try reconciliation and do so with an open, loving heart. I also think this makes people incredibly vulnerable -- financially, emotionally, and physically (STDs, etc.)
And trying reconciliation doesn't make them weak, stupid, foolish or a chump. It's normal. So being hammered with one choice and told over and over to "leave a cheater" isn't exactly a healthy environment for "most people" who are gonna try regardless of what anyone tells them. Their "vulnerability" can best be handled by seeking professional guidance from experienced councilors and attorneys. Posting in a balanced forum might be OK as an additional outlet for discussion with multiple peers that have experienced similar circumstances. However, a cartoonist writer with a degree in African History running an alternative anti-expert hate blog uniformly promoting divorce as the singular and best alternative isn't really a healthy environment for the recently betrayed as they try to reconcile with an "open, loving heart"
I do, however, regret FOUR D-Days. I was an epic chump.
My marriage was brief because I had my D-Day 6 months into it.
Wish I had posted to you. Probably would have come out differently. He was cheating before you even married him. How long did you date him? You went from crazy husband to cheater husband? I serve with a pastoral team {as a volunteer}, was your Pastor father against you marrying this man?
Do tell -- what's my infidelity complex sales plan? Did my publicist dream something up? OMG. It must be my minions.
I was simply mocking you being another "expert" trying to profit off the same vulnerable individuals you claim to want to protect from the other "experts" who supposedly are victimizing them. it's humour. Get it.
I certainly don't blame infidelity forums for my choice to stick around for 4 D-Days. I blame myself. And that hard-won "what not to do" experience is what informs Chump lady.
"What not to do" when you discover your newlywed husband has been cheating on you before you {and he} ever walked down the alley is pretty much a no brainer. Step one - don't post at SI. Step 2 - remove yourself from the abusive situation and get to safe place, Step 3 - establish no contact for sanity and clarity, Step 4 - divorce. Maybe get an annulment - he committed fraud. I think it's a reach to correlate that experience and the mistakes you made and "endured" as "what not to do" for a betrayed spouse married 5, 10, 15 years or more to their first and only spouse with whom they have children. It's relatable, on a forum with multiple viewpoints but the model of mostly one POV is a rather limited experience.
I don't have any hate for SI. They were a lifeline. The place is full of kind people who reached out to me in my darkest hours. However, they are a RECONCILIATION site, and IMO, they should advertise themselves as such.
They are not a reconciliation website. They are a discussion forum run by a wayward dictator. Nobody "recovers" anything there. It's no wonder you got such bad guidance. Plus there aren't any "experts" there, let alone experts. They SHOULD advertise themselves as waste of bandwidth
With much distance, I don't think the model of supporting "waywards" and supported "BSs" together is a good one. JMHO.
Much as I dislike SI, their model at least provides some balance and some truly passionate and intelligent persons. A little too much coddling of waywards and hugging but at least they don't deny reality and lie to their guests.
I fancy myself someone who can think critically.
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
Critical thinkers rigorously question ideas and assumptions rather than accepting them at face value. They will always seek to determine whether the ideas, arguments and findings represent the entire picture and are open to finding that they do not whereas I find Chumplady to very myopic and certainly not open to other ideas, arguments or ideas. In other words, it's a very narrow singular point of view.
Critical thinkers will identify, analyse and solve problems systematically rather than by intuition or instinct. Breaking down wayward notions satirically, isn't analysis and only offering one solution isn't problem solving. It's an agenda.
Critical thinking is aimed at achieving the best possible outcomes in any situation. In order to achieve this it must involve gathering and evaluating information from as many different sources possible. Chumplady isn't about gathering or evaluating any information, it's just satirizing waywards and decomposing wayward script. There's no "evaluating" going on in order to achieve the best possible outcome in any situation either. Instead, it's soothing divorcing spouses {whether by their own choice or not} who are divorcing anyway, by universally telling them their outcome was inevitable and therefore the best for their situation devoid of discussing their actual situation whatsoever. Leave a cheater is always the conclusion, prior to any evaluation and if you disagree, you are self-deluded or a cheater.
They're paying me? 10 million page views -- damn, I should be rich by now. I'll have to talk to my minions about that.
Truthseeker is right here on this thread. You can talk to him right here. He solicits traffic for you regularly.
Sounds like you think you know me. I don't have "kids" -- I have one kid. And the fact that I was married and divorced before I met a cheater is not a secret. I've written about it. My first marriage (10 years) ended because my ex had untreated mental illness. Sad, awful, sucks for my kid. No one cheated. I left him and divorced. Years later, met the cheater.
I never accused you of cheating so it's interesting that you'd volunteer that. I've got interrogation training and that's often a tell. When the prisoner says "I didn't stab anyone" and you had not even asked him that question yet, it might mean he stabbed the guy. So fess up, you cheated, didn't you?
I still believe "in sickness and in health" so separation and safety sure, but divorce, I don't know. Was he an unbeliever? Then did you really have the right to remarry? Those choices have consequences so maybe you kind of jump on the karma bus? I'm not perfect either and I know when I've stepped out of God's plan for us, the consequences surely followed. I apologize if you are no longer a Christian. I am presuming you are.
Very happily remarried now for 6 years to a fellow former chump.
Define "happy". Maybe chumps can only endure. {satire}
I'm not sure what the Christian thing has to do with anything. FWIW, I'm a preacher's kid (my father is a Methodist minister and supports the blog) and plenty of Christian bloggers read the site. (Divorce Minister is one good resource.)
The website is funny sometimes. I get it. I've made fun of waywards too. But if you truly used your critical thinking skills does being the anti-marriage reconciliation non-expert satirically opposed to real experts and councilors who have spent their whole educational and professional careers studying, evaluating, researching and practicing their trade who can and do offer real professional assistance versus your jokes, limited knowledge and experience and mostly support through commiseration, what you really want to be known for?
The internet is a big place. You don't like my advice, or me, don't read my blog. But to get on a public forum and spread sh*t about me -- you don't seem terribly Christian.