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My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.

56K views 256 replies 45 participants last post by  jayman732819@gmail.com 
#1 ·
My wife and i have been married for 12 years, the trust i had in her is gone. I am a religous man who believes in virginity till marriage and when i met my wife she new all about my faith. After a month of getting to know her a bit i told her i was a virgin and wanted to marry a virgin woman. I told her there women who i know where raped or defiled who i would marry if they kept pure till marriage. Well she said she was a virgin and 2 years got married, she told me earliar that she broke her hymen cheerleading. Fast forward two kids and a happy marriage, but she was so uneasy around her friends when they visited, then one day her best friend blurted out how wonderful it was for me to have a partner with so much experience especially that i was a virgin. I was numb when i heard that, now i cant even look at my wife i dont eat her food am just in limbo. Has any gotten through such? I havent slept with her in over a month.
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#46 ·
Perhaps you should read my first post in this thread before you attempt to "divine" my intent.

There are people here who are truly suffering from infidelity.

What this man is suffering from is not.
 
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#66 ·
Yes,to me this is the issue. She has shown some pretty incredable disrespect by socializing with them. This would upset most people I would think.
I am now wondering if this woman is naive,ignorant and blind to her husbands feelings should this ever be made known to him about these past lovers as current friends or if she has some unknown desire to have socialized with them? It doesn't 'appear' that she may be cheating on him but I can't figure out how she can be so blind to want the marriage to continue knowing that she told him a lie and that she is taking such a gamble being around past lovers?? Something doesn't add up!
Maybe there is some more info. needed here other than what is being given. I just can't understand this. Has he since the vows,told her that it would be ok if she hadn't been a virgin and she feels safe interacting with past lovers? Geesh,,,this one has me bumfuzzeled...but that's not hard to accomplish.:rolleyes:
 
#47 ·
Other than this one, horribly upsetting lie about her past, how has she been as a wife? Has she been a good friend, supportive, loyal, patient? Has she shown that she loves you?
You two could find a faith based counselor to work this out.
She is yours now. No one elses. Yours. True to you now.

If she lied about this, you meant so much to her that she knew the only way she could marry you was if she didn't tell you her truth.

Be open to forgiving her and welcoming her partnership as your wife should she be otherwise a decent woman.
 
#48 ·
Frankly, I don't have such strong resenment about her lying about her virginhood just because of how I am. However, the part that bothered me was the fact that she allowed her H to interact with those men she had sex with without telling him her past relationship with them. Knowing her H's value system, she made her H feel like an idiot talking to all these guys who slept with her, and this must cut deep. To me, this seems a double betrayal of sort.
 
#52 ·
Well, pride may not be an issue here. He specifically informed his wife that virginity was important to him. He trusted her to be truthful. She betayed that trust, thus depriving him of the ability to make an informed decision.
Why someone would do this, is beyond me. It ceratinly is not loving or respectful, and those qualities would seem to be important in a marriage.
His level of experience with women or the frequency with which this is lied about is immaterial. This did not come about as the result of his lack of experience(as if that is something to be ashamed of) or because other women have lied about this. It happened because his wife made a unilateral decison that he was not entitled to make an informed decision about something as sacred as marriage.
 
#56 ·
Well, pride may not be an issue here. He specifically informed his wife that virginity was important to him. He trusted her to be truthful. She betrayed that trust, thus depriving him of the ability to make an informed decision.
Why someone would do this, is beyond me. It certainly is not loving or respectful, and those qualities would seem to be important in a marriage.
His level of experience with women or the frequency with which this is lied about is immaterial. This did not come about as the result of his lack of experience(as if that is something to be ashamed of) or because other women have lied about this. It happened because his wife made a unilateral decision that he was not entitled to make an informed decision about something as sacred as marriage.
Man, Arnold, I don't know where to start!

It takes a person of rare intellect to combine the statements "he trusted her to be truthful" and "his experience with women or the frequency with which this is lied about is immaterial" in the same post to make a point. Since you missed it, I will say it plainly- IF he had more experience with women, he might not have been so trusting. That is entirely the point. If he chose to steer clear of intimate relationships until marriage, that's his business, and he is welcome to it. He is also welcome to the results, which he is now having to deal with.

"Why someone would do this, is beyond me. It certainly is not loving or respectful, and those qualities would seem to be important in a marriage."

Yeah. Hmmm. Maybe his wife wasn't too proud of herself for having been promiscuous. Maybe she met the OP and was amazed to find such a devout and decent man. Maybe she looked around and said to herself, "guys like this are one in a million, and I will do whatever I can to become his wife and love and respect and cherish him forever after." And so, when he explained to her how important it was to him that she be virginal, she said, "he'll never know," and, being younger herself, didn't much think about what would happen years later when her previous history came to light.


Naw, it couldn't be anything like that. It had to be because she was a lying treacherous harlot, acting out of evil motives to ruin our poor hero's life.

OP doesn't mention her cheating on him after they took their vows. He doesn't list out her failings as a wife and a mother. I'll go out on a limb here and bet that she attends the same church as he does, so she respects his religion. He doesn't gripe about her spending all his money, or going out for Girls Nights Out. The OP is upset because his wife lied to him about something 12 years ago and then seems to have been a pretty solidly good wife ever since.

Yeah, where did I get the idea that his pride might be bruised, anyway? Personally, I think his wife did him wrong, and should have been honest with him from the get-go. He wanted an honest virgin, and he got neither.
 
#61 ·
PRIDE? Yes i agree my pride is hurt, who wouldnt be? When i held my wife so high just to find out shes just the same as the rest. I worked hard to give her a good life, my business are doing okay and she was my inspiration, my jewel i new many women dont wait till marriage so i worked harder for her. Now my jewels are my two girls. She should have told me, and yes i wouldnt have married her.
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#67 ·
PRIDE? Yes i agree my pride is hurt, who wouldn't be? When i held my wife so high just to find out shes just the same as the rest. I worked hard to give her a good life, my business are doing okay and she was my inspiration, my jewel i new many women don't wait till marriage so i worked harder for her. Now my jewels are my two girls. She should have told me, and yes i wouldn't have married her.
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Shocs- I actually do sympathize with your situation, even though it might not sound like it. As I said earlier, having you interact with previous partners and not knowing her history was crappy and worth staying pissed off about.

You asked originally if anyone had been through something like this, and I can't say that I have.

But.

You probably aren't going to find too many people who have been through this kind of situation, due to the strength of your faith. No insult intended here- most people just aren't as devoted as you are.

So instead of trying to speculate about the situation, I would rather pose questions to you.

What do you want to do? Reconcile? Separate? Try to rebuild trust? Try to find out the truth? Try to start over with someone else?

Your wife has hurt you deeply, and been really flat out stupid to have had you interacting with previous partners without having known it (although in her weak defense, you did say she has always been uncomfortable around her old friends). If you can put those actions off to the side, and evaluate your marriage, what kind of wife has she been? Was she meeting your needs before you found these things out? Was she your inspiration a month ago?

The reason I put these questions out here is that you probably need to answer them in order to start moving forward, towards whichever ending you want.

That's really what it comes down to. Your wife violated your trust and your beliefs, and now you have to balance that against the good things she brought to the union.

What do you want to do?
 
#63 ·
:iagree:

I would also suggest that she undergo a polygraph test to help find out if she has ever cheated on you during the time the two of you have been together.

Lastly, consider placing VARs (voice activated recorders) underneath the drivers seat of her car and in every room inside your home. And if you can afford it, hiring a PI to follow her around.

A woman who lied to her husband about her sexual past, had sex with 8 men prior to marriage, and who still maintains a continued friendship with 3 of her ex-lovers unbeknownst to her husband for more than twelve years, is a woman of dubious credibility.
 
#65 ·
I think in most threads, the combination of continued lying and maintaining contact with former lovers would have almost every poster here going "red flags!"

One of the most important things I've learned here is that a spouse keeping contact with past ex's is usually not a good thing. I think that applies to this case now, regardless of Shoc's religious beliefs.

Shoc, I assume you're feeling (in addition to anger over the lies) humiliation over this, how everyone knew but you. Particularly when you are friends with some of these men. You have not mentioned (unless I missed it) how your wife is reacting: is she showing signs of remorse over hurting you?

I hope you're staying as composed as possible around her - any outburts of anger won't help anything. And have you been looking into any religious-based counseling? I'd start with your denomination's church/group first.
 
#71 ·
If my husband had me socializing with people he screwed before me and I didn't know about it, I would be mortified.

So...all the while when I'm talking to some chick about whatever, she's thinking "I banged your husband and you have no idea!"

Eff.That.
 
#87 ·
I am not a religious person. Not anti-religion, just agnostic. I have no problem w/ premarital sex. I think you should kick the tires before buying. My wife happened to be a virgin before we met. I wasn't looking for a virgin, that's just who I met and married.

But if today I found out that she'd had 8 previous sex partners, significantly more than I'd had, and that 3 of them were my friends? So how many mutual friends know about these relationships when he DIDN'T? Was it a joke in the neighborhood? "Hey, guess what? Shoes thinks his wife is a virgin. Me and Bob both banged her. And that guy Hank we met at the New Years party last year had her. And evidently she got around in college a little. Poor sap. I'd hate to be him".
 
#73 ·
I'm assuming your a Christian. As a Christian you have to forgive her if she asks for it.

Unless you can prove adultery you can't divorce her and go looking for a real virgin.

From the lack of info I have to assume she has led a fine Christian life and done a wonderful job taking care of you and raising two wonderful girls.

I think you have saved this woman and she now sounds like a better person than you have become. You need to ask her forgiveness also. Talk to your pastor.

You certainly aren't acting man enough to save your family. I sure wish and pray this was the biggest problem posters on this site had to face.

In case I haven't made myself clear, I think your being ridiculous.
 
#74 ·
Not true really. There are a bunch of bible verses that indicate that he can divorce based on this, especially if he was a virgin. I would personally just do a lie detector test and ask questions like why she married him, if she was afraid of losing him, etc... One thing that needs to happen is those friends need to disappear.
 
#75 ·
To say someone is ridiculous for how they feel is insulting.

He has every right to feel how he feels without being ridiculed, even if you do think he's making a big deal out of it.

I do think, with a little time, this will all work itself out. I think the initial shock brought him here to vent. And that's ok.
 
#77 ·
:iagree::iagree::iagree:

The man has been a victim of FRAUD perpetrated by the one person he trusted above all others, his partner for life, his wife. Compounding this is the humiliating disrespect she's shown during their 12 years of marriage by maintaining ties with 3 men who were her lovers before she met her husband.

IMNSHO his religious beliefs are irrelevant when the situation is framed in the terms I listed above.
 
#79 ·
My only thoughts on this is if OP considers this a dealbreaker, then by all means, it is his call and do what he must.
But HE brought up the religious angle which is what puts him between a rock and hard place. If his reasons are based on religious beliefs as HE said, then if his wife asks forgiveness, he must forgive and he cannot divorce.
If he does divorce, then he is as much a sinner as his lying wife.
On another note, because she had a promiscuous past, doesn't mean she's a cheating skank now. OP doesn't seem to have a bad word to say about her behaviour for past 12 years (other than poor choice in friends).
I don't know what I'd do. But I would base my decision more on past 12 years than the lie.
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#80 ·
I do think, and I could be totally wrong, but that the OP came here to vent and will eventually get over it.

I have done that many times in life. What seems to be "the end of the world" doesn't seem so huge after some sleep and a chance to really think about it.
 
#81 ·
If this post was about Shoc's wife kept up counication with her ex boyfriends on Facebook, this board would be lit up saying she should not be emailing them.

Yet she has maintained in person contact, with multiple men, under dishonest circumstances, for years. Yeah, there is a big problem there, he has every right to be upset and concerned about what else he may not know. Log in his eye- yeah, right.
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#82 ·
If OP cant get over the breach of trust, he'll need to do something about it so that his ill feelings do not fester.

He should gather more info about his 2 daughters, the past interactions with the 3 ex's, etc. Once he gets more info, he can decide what to do.
 
#86 ·
There 'MAY' be one more thing worth taking into consideration here guys. Though highly unlikely in most of our minds it is a possibility.
This is a christain couple. What she did was in the past. When one repents and turns to God their past sins are washed away and God forgets those sins.
Could it be that this woman has been a faithful wife since the vows though she seems to have told an awful lie and decieved the huband before the vows and that she has expected the husband to see that she has been a devoted christain and faithful wife and expects the husband to understand that she has changed permanently,expects him to see her loyalty and devotion to God and that since that lie, has been a pure and changed woman that is innocent of any wrong since the vows.
I may not be saying this right but if you understand my drift...maybe she has been ignorant by socializing with past lovers but in her mind thinks that should the husband ever find out, that she expects him to see her devotion and purity since the vows? Like her saying, "Yes I decieved you but I wanted a good man because I will now be a good christain faithful wife".
I mean...don't christains expect God to view them like this????
She does seem to have displayed a good amount of ignorance if the details we have are true! But could it be that she has been faithful since the vows and in her mind she is innocent because she has truly changed and somehow expects him to see this Godly change in her heart?
But she needs to repent to the husband of the deciet,sure but [[[IF]]] she has been true and faithful since the vows I think the responsibility of this whole thing falls upon the husband to now forgive and go on with the marriage. Though he might be justified in asking her alot of questions and justified in doing some checking her out.
Just a thought,who knows?
 
#89 · (Edited)
but she was so uneasy around her friends when they visited, then one day her best friend blurted out how wonderful it was for me to have a partner with so much experience especially that i was a virgin.
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This person wanted you to know for some reason. Why do you think? :scratchhead:

Drunk? Had a falling out with your wife? Mocking you? Wanted you to know about something still going on?
 
#90 ·
I do not think it is ridiculous, at all. it is an important part of his faith and just because some of us do not have the same type of faith or value system does not invalidate his desire to abide by this.
I mayhave missed it, but has she even asked for forgivenss and has she offered to make amends.
I also agree that this type of fraud is grounds for annulment in some bible based faiths, although iam no scholar on that.
 
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