Re: My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.
Other than this one, horribly upsetting lie about her past, how has she been as a wife? Has she been a good friend, supportive, loyal, patient? Has she shown that she loves you?
You two could find a faith based counselor to work this out.
She is yours now. No one elses. Yours. True to you now.
If she lied about this, you meant so much to her that she knew the only way she could marry you was if she didn't tell you her truth.
Be open to forgiving her and welcoming her partnership as your wife should she be otherwise a decent woman.
Re: My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.
Frankly, I don't have such strong resenment about her lying about her virginhood just because of how I am. However, the part that bothered me was the fact that she allowed her H to interact with those men she had sex with without telling him her past relationship with them. Knowing her H's value system, she made her H feel like an idiot talking to all these guys who slept with her, and this must cut deep. To me, this seems a double betrayal of sort.
Perhaps you should read my first post in this thread before you attempt to "divine" my intent.
There are people here who are truly suffering from infidelity.
What this man is suffering from is not.
I guess you get to define infidelity for everyone else then. You are minimizing how he feels. He feels he has been cheated on. I would say he has been robbed. She cheated. Cheating is dishonest and she led him to marriage with this lie. She stole his virginity with this lie.
I really think you don't get how devastating it can be to have someone con you into something so important. He was left with no choice because she withheld the information. She cared more about herself than him.
She sounds like a cheater to me.
If you don't share his values the least you can do is accept that he knows how he feels whether it meets your definition. Arrogance. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.
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Originally Posted by ClipClop
I love how ppl tell the op to abandon his values because they themselves do not hold them and further because it means that they too would fall from this ideal.
The op believes what he does, has compassion for women who were raped and would marry one if he fell in love with them. His wife knew his values and lied to get him. That is horribly selfish and unloving. But what bothers me most is that others who are far less important knew what her husband did not.
She needs religious counselling, not him.
And as far as values are concerned, I thought on this forum, ppl would understand how much deception hurts. Being deceived into marriage is horrible to experience. I'm seeing that a lot of people can't see someone else's pain if it involves conviction. I find that ironic since so called liberals give everything else a pass and say to each his own except in such cases. Lying and marriage do not go together. Posted via Mobile Device
Very well stated.I t amazes me that some people cannot make the distinnction between whether they feel his values are valid and the real issue re:lying to trap someone into marriage. WTF,Suppose a gay person lies about his or her sexuality to trap a partner? No difference.
Re: My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.
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Originally Posted by shocs12
to me its all the same, isnt infedelity decieving,lying? Thats how i feel. She betrayed my trust, she is selfish. Posted via Mobile Device
So, wait. What makes infidelity so horrible is that your spouse lies about what he or she was doing with another person? If they would just say, "Honey, I was banging the neighbor like the gong in a buddhist temple," that would be okay, because honesty would kill the pain of your spouse exchanging bodily fluids with somebody else? Dang. Here I thought that the pain of infidelity was caused mainly by the spouse getting naked with somebody else. I always figured that if they didn't do that, they wouldn't have to lie about it and cause more pain, but apparently, lying is the main component of infidelity. Got it.
What an amazing definition of infidelity you have!
Depending on her original motivations, your wife did anything from falsely representing herself as pure in order to secure a nice meal ticket to finding you so attractive that she was willing to lie about something very important to you, in order for you to consider her a suitable wife. And the truth is..... well, you don't know, because your pride is grievously butthurt, and you haven't bothered to figure it out.
If you had had a little bit more worldly experience with women you might have known that they sometimes lie about stuff, but, hey, you made the choice to remain true to your convictions, and ignorance is bliss, right up until it isn't blissful because you're no longer quite as ignorant as you were.
Unfortunately, your wife's omission of her sexual history has caused you to socialize with some of her previous partners. and that was truly a crappy thing to inflict on you. That, to me, is definitely worth staying mad over.
You're obviously very upset about this situation, and the best advice I can think of has already been offered- seek some counseling from someone within your religion. As I recall, pride is one of the deadly sins and forgiveness is one of the virtues. It sounds like you could use some help with both.
Maybe you could talk to your wife and tell her how badly she has hurt you? I mean, I know she's a sinner in the hands of an angry God and all, and a man of your superior moral posture has no business soiling his person talking to such a wicked sinful creature, but, really, you should try.
Re: My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.
Well, pride may not be an issue here. He specifically informed his wife that virginity was important to him. He trusted her to be truthful. She betayed that trust, thus depriving him of the ability to make an informed decision.
Why someone would do this, is beyond me. It ceratinly is not loving or respectful, and those qualities would seem to be important in a marriage.
His level of experience with women or the frequency with which this is lied about is immaterial. This did not come about as the result of his lack of experience(as if that is something to be ashamed of) or because other women have lied about this. It happened because his wife made a unilateral decison that he was not entitled to make an informed decision about something as sacred as marriage.
I guess you get to define infidelity for everyone else then. You are minimizing how he feels. He feels he has been cheated on. I would say he has been robbed. She cheated. Cheating is dishonest and she led him to marriage with this lie. She stole his virginity with this lie.
I really think you don't get how devastating it can be to have someone con you into something so important. He was left with no choice because she withheld the information. She cared more about herself than him.
She sounds like a cheater to me.
If you don't share his values the least you can do is accept that he knows how he feels whether it meets your definition. Arrogance. Posted via Mobile Device
You assume far too much about everything. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.
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Originally Posted by Arnold
Well, pride may not be an issue here. He specifically informed his wife that virginity was important to him. He trusted her to be truthful. She betrayed that trust, thus depriving him of the ability to make an informed decision.
Why someone would do this, is beyond me. It certainly is not loving or respectful, and those qualities would seem to be important in a marriage.
His level of experience with women or the frequency with which this is lied about is immaterial. This did not come about as the result of his lack of experience(as if that is something to be ashamed of) or because other women have lied about this. It happened because his wife made a unilateral decision that he was not entitled to make an informed decision about something as sacred as marriage.
Man, Arnold, I don't know where to start!
It takes a person of rare intellect to combine the statements "he trusted her to be truthful" and "his experience with women or the frequency with which this is lied about is immaterial" in the same post to make a point. Since you missed it, I will say it plainly- IF he had more experience with women, he might not have been so trusting. That is entirely the point. If he chose to steer clear of intimate relationships until marriage, that's his business, and he is welcome to it. He is also welcome to the results, which he is now having to deal with.
"Why someone would do this, is beyond me. It certainly is not loving or respectful, and those qualities would seem to be important in a marriage."
Yeah. Hmmm. Maybe his wife wasn't too proud of herself for having been promiscuous. Maybe she met the OP and was amazed to find such a devout and decent man. Maybe she looked around and said to herself, "guys like this are one in a million, and I will do whatever I can to become his wife and love and respect and cherish him forever after." And so, when he explained to her how important it was to him that she be virginal, she said, "he'll never know," and, being younger herself, didn't much think about what would happen years later when her previous history came to light.
Naw, it couldn't be anything like that. It had to be because she was a lying treacherous harlot, acting out of evil motives to ruin our poor hero's life.
OP doesn't mention her cheating on him after they took their vows. He doesn't list out her failings as a wife and a mother. I'll go out on a limb here and bet that she attends the same church as he does, so she respects his religion. He doesn't gripe about her spending all his money, or going out for Girls Nights Out. The OP is upset because his wife lied to him about something 12 years ago and then seems to have been a pretty solidly good wife ever since.
Yeah, where did I get the idea that his pride might be bruised, anyway? Personally, I think his wife did him wrong, and should have been honest with him from the get-go. He wanted an honest virgin, and he got neither.
Re: My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.
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Originally Posted by ClipClop
She stole his virginity with this lie.
Posted via Mobile Device
I think this is pretty par for the course. In the recent past all girls proclaimed their virginity. More to keep their partner from being embarassed with his inexperience than hiding their past.
This is a case of looking a gift horse in the mouth.
Re: My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.
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Originally Posted by NotLikeYou
Yeah. Hmmm. Maybe his wife wasn't too proud of herself for having been promiscuous. Maybe she met the OP and was amazed to find such a devout and decent man. Maybe she looked around and said to herself, "guys like this are one in a million, and I will do whatever I can to become his wife and love and respect and cherish him forever after." And so, when he explained to her how important it was to him that she be virginal, she said, "he'll never know," and, being younger herself, didn't much think about what would happen years later when her previous history came to light.
Yeah, that's it! That's why she still keeps company with her old lovers... /sarcasm
Re: My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NotLikeYou
Yeah. Hmmm. Maybe his wife wasn't too proud of herself for having been promiscuous. Maybe she met the OP and was amazed to find such a devout and decent man. Maybe she looked around and said to herself, "guys like this are one in a million, and I will do whatever I can to become his wife and love and respect and cherish him forever after." And so, when he explained to her how important it was to him that she be virginal, she said, "he'll never know," and, being younger herself, didn't much think about what would happen years later when her previous history came to light.
What you are missing is that her friends and her past lovers were all in on the secret. They all kept it from him. He must have sounded like a fool talking to one of her past lovers or one of her friends about him and his wife having old fashion values about being virgins at marriage.
Many men, even men that were sexually active, would not feel comfortable socializing with their wife's past lovers. He was not given that option because of this lie. This was not a 12 year old lie. The lying did not stop 12 years ago, it kept going until just now.
Re: My wife the liar, how could she do this to me. 
Carry on.
