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My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.

56K views 256 replies 45 participants last post by  jayman732819@gmail.com 
#1 ·
My wife and i have been married for 12 years, the trust i had in her is gone. I am a religous man who believes in virginity till marriage and when i met my wife she new all about my faith. After a month of getting to know her a bit i told her i was a virgin and wanted to marry a virgin woman. I told her there women who i know where raped or defiled who i would marry if they kept pure till marriage. Well she said she was a virgin and 2 years got married, she told me earliar that she broke her hymen cheerleading. Fast forward two kids and a happy marriage, but she was so uneasy around her friends when they visited, then one day her best friend blurted out how wonderful it was for me to have a partner with so much experience especially that i was a virgin. I was numb when i heard that, now i cant even look at my wife i dont eat her food am just in limbo. Has any gotten through such? I havent slept with her in over a month.
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#214 ·
And if she doesnt regret those men she slept with, why didnt any of them see her worthy enough to marry? They just slept with her. But she used me, because from the begining i told her, my idea of dating is courting to me she was a potential wife to be if i loved her and met just one criteria virginity.
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#216 ·
Shocs please consider the following. There a plenty of stories of infidelity on this forum where the two spouses were virgins from the get go but that didn't stop one from betraying the other by sleeping with another man or woman after they got married. Virginity does not equal fidelity.

Maybe the reason she told you she doesn't regret sleeping with them is in reality a defensive mechanism that allows her to not deal with the fact that she was nothing more than a f*ck toy that was temporarily used by them.

Nevertheless, the two of you need counseling in order to process this ordeal in a healthy fashion.
 
#217 ·
Virginity does not equal fidelity.
I can attest to that, I was my wife's first and she actually said one of the reasons she cheated was the nagging curiosity of what it was like to be with another.


bottom line is this...


people who have had multiple sex partners pre-marriage can and will cheat
people who were virgins pre-marriage can and will cheat
people who are religious can and will cheat
people who are not religious can and will cheat
people who are heterosexual can and will cheat
people who are homosexual can and will cheat
people who are poor can and will cheat
people who are rich can and will cheat
men can and will cheat
women can and will cheat


I can go on, but my point is simple

there is a considerable percentage of the population who will betray their spouse by adultery of some form. The people who cheat span every social, religious, gender, racial, sexual preference and proclivity, and economic status.
 
#218 ·
The virginity in America post raised my curiosity. Counter-intuitively, the dating landscape is getting better for those who are looking for virgins. According to the CDC, the percentage of females aged 15-19 who have never been married, but have had sex was 51.1% in 1988, 49.3% in 1995, 45.5% in 2002, and 42.6% during 2006-2010. Males showed a similar trend. It seems our country is starting to reject the hookup culture in the dating scene.
 
#223 ·
I was 21 when I lost my viginity--- to a man whom I dated for 10 months.

My friends who waited til marriage were married at 18,19 years old. Wow. Long wait. LOLLL Had I waited til marriage, I'd never had sex because I never wanted to be married. I was married at 33...and no way would I have waited that long. 21 was a good age.
 
#226 ·
I understand why you said that you will never trust her but what that essentially will do is pull her away emotionally from you and later on leave you.

A marriage without trust is a sham marriage. Do you want a sham marriage?
 
#228 ·
Although I have spent most of my life as a christain I have had times that I wasn't. From re-reading my posts in this thread I may be coming from a different perspective or view than most.
Most of the women in my family and my WW's family have been very bad cheats. Including our mothers. One of my wifes sisters was murdered because she cheated,her boyfriend killed her.
I have been surrounded by this all my life.
But after reading this page of posts I am brought to think of the woman taken in the very act of adultry. "Neither do I condemn thee go and sin no more."
I think of the prostitutes and that life and it's drugs that have destroyed as far as man's opinion but how that God was able to forgive them and make something beautiful out of their once ruined lives.
Shocs12....I see your hurt,lost trust, and how you must view your life with this woman so far now and how you must view your future now. But I wish somehow you and I could change places for a little while and you walk in my shoes. I wish you could change places with the prophet Joel and have to walk in his shoes. Then I wish you could see what I have seen God do with wives and marriages that are alot worse than what you are in. How he can do the impossible healing in hearts and lives that have been devastated and lost all hope in life and in God. I wish this because if you could have lived what I have lived, you then could understand how that your life and situation are not quite as bad as you think it is.
 
#232 ·
I had to re-read your thread and I didn't see any mention of infidelity. Let me get this straight: You want to divorce her because she lied to you about being a virgin, yet he has been faithful to you all this time? And that for you is a deal breaker. :scratchhead:

What commandments has she broken? What vows has she broken? What other men has she slept with since you've been married to her? If she's been faithful to you your entire marriage, I don't see how you can reconcile this with your religious beliefs. I thought that infidelity is the only valid reason for divorce according to christian beliefs, unless you're not a christian.

So if you remarry to another woman, are you going to have a doctor examine her for proof of her virginity? And what about you? You certainly won't be a virgin for your virgin wife. Wouldn't that be hypocritical?

I really don't see how this thread is in the coping with infidelity forum
 
#233 ·
A religious man. Bummer. To bad your not a christian. Then you would be encouraged to forgive her. But being religious it makes it very difficult. Some religious people can be very unforgiving. They refuse to look at Christ on the cross and realize that its them that should be hanging there. I can also wager that you have your share of lies and deceit too. If by chance you do consider yourself a christian, here is a mirror for you.


ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.


That's right ALL. So cast that stone, you righteous man.
 
#234 ·
Good thing the OP is not God (or have God-like abilities or capabilities?) -- he has much more leeway in what to do. ;)


Your wife maintained a fundamental lie throughout your marriage.

It's up to you to decide if you can live with such.

The lie will affect your marriage going forward. Whether or not you can live with that is up to you.

If you do decide to stay, you'll need to learn to forgive your wife. And she needs to cut off all her ex-lovers and toxic friends. Find new common friends.
 
#236 ·
People! Quit condemning this man! He was lied to from the beginning! His wife should've been straight up and honest to him about screwing around before marriage! His whole marriage is based on a lie! (same as infidelity!) He probably wouldn't have married her if he knew, but because she lied to him she robbed him of a future with someone better! At least I feel he feels this way! If the roles were reversed, many of you would've said drop the bastard's ass if he was the one who lied!
 
#237 · (Edited)
I have to respectfully disagree here. And no, I wouldn't drop a spouse who has been faithful to me all this time just because she lied about being a virgin. IMHO, a marriage is based on a lie when a person marries someone who's heart belongs to someone else and that person keeps that other person in their heart and maintains a relationship with them. I think the biggest example of a marriage based on a lie is Bleeding's marriage.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/34736-wifes-ea-ex-bf-war-veteran-im-so-lost-please-help.html

When you've been nothing but a consolation prize, second place in someone's heart and mind. That's my definition of a marriage being a lie. To me, there's a difference between infidelity and lying. Yes, lying is a part of infidelity, but it's not infidelity itself. She's just guilty about lying about her virginity. If she hasn't been in an affair with anyone of these past lovers or anyone else for that matter while they were married, then I don't see how that can equate to infidelity. Just my two cents.
 
#238 ·
She KNEW before they got married that virginty was a big deal to him - he was a virgin himself - and yet she chose to deceive him that she was a virgin when she was not. It was a deal breaker for him that he would not get married to any woman who was not a virgin. Now he is applying the deal breaker. Agree or not with his beliefs, they are his. Just like an unfaithful wife, his wife lied and deceived. From the time they were courting, at the time of the wedding, and throghout their 12 years of marriage. If he holds true to his beliefs, he will never marry again.
 
#242 · (Edited)
I am not sure why this issue is such a contentious one. No one of us would takes being deceived in any area in our lives lightly, especially when it comes to love and lifetime committment. We would also take issue if our belief system were attacked. I think he has a right to his beliefs, he seems to be a good man and a husband any woman would cherish. So where is the problem??

The way I see it is that the deep love that develops after the honeymoon phase, is based on seeing a mates faults and authentic self and loving them anyway. He appears to have made that wonderful transition. So where is the problem??

I would go so far as to say that this man was not only decieved but defrauded. His wife hid an important part of herself and therefore, by the nature of her deception, denied him love and the full acceptance of an intimate relationship. This is no small thing and is really tragic because he was good and devoted and for his reward he is humiliated and disrespected. That is the problem.

The issue of whether or not sex before marriage or a woman's choice to have sex is ok or the nature of his Christian beliefs, does not figure into it.
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#244 · (Edited)
Some of you are forgetting that some of the men that she sleep with were people that they knew and socialized with. That he spoke to these OM at parties where they knew that they had sleep with his wife and that the husband did not know. It was a big secret that people he knew including these OM kept from him. He was on the outside and everyone else including these OM were on the inside.

Because of his strong religious conviction he was a virgin when he got married. He thought that she was the same. He probably over the years mentioned the fact that they were both virgins with pride in conversation to people, many of whom (including the other men that she slept with) knew otherwise as they kept the secret; some may have been laughing about it when they told others. He is imagining that they may have said things such as "he thinks that he and his marriage are so holy, little does he know, hehehe, and boy did she give a good BJ". He is imagining that much of what he said about his faith was laughed off by people that knew about the secret. He was made to be everyone's fool by her.

Another thing. How would you feel about it if your wife had been socializing with ex-lovers at parties without her having told you her history with them? You would feel betrayed and pissed and with good reason. His religious conviction does not give his wife a pass on this.
 
#245 ·
just like smopking weed, drinking alcohol, stealing, lieing..adultry and infidelity/Lust...has always been a moral issue that human beings should obstain from. trying to be a godo person is the key, don't do bad things, even if the devil whispers bad things into your ears or your head bringing evil desires..restrain from them. SEX IS GOOD when you're Married, besides that it's a trick and the end is worse then what you may feel in that sec. peace...even if you feel good. Good things are good things bad things are bad things, Adultry is a very bad thing.peace!Lol:!) So is premarital intercourse for many reasons too.peacE!lol:!)
 
#246 ·
There is also his statement that his wife said to him she did not regret having had sex with them because she became a better person for it ( :scratchhead: ). She obviously has a different set of beliefs than he was lead to believe, by her. Granted that his wife may be another mother Teresa and many a betrayed husband would like to have as a wife, but that takes a back seat to her lying and deceiving.
 
#248 ·
There is also his statement that his wife said to him she did not regret having had sex with them because she became a better person for it ( :scratchhead: ). She obviously has a different set of beliefs than he was lead to believe, by her.
Good point. Hard for him to forgive when she has no remorse.

Granted that his wife may be another mother Teresa and many a betrayed husband would like to have as a wife, but that takes a back seat to her lying and deceiving.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 
#252 ·
you knopw everyone is flawed..she mgith have lied it's between her and the 1 and only..In my religion of Islam...you must be merciful to others in order to have God's mercya nd be accepted into ehaven. If she's a faithful loving wife, adn she wants to be forgiven for lieing to you and allowing something liek this to happen. have mercy... you might ruin a godo thing if we are all not merciful. May God guide you and your family, and lets hope only good thinsg happen now. Btw, having sex before marriage is definitly a big no no, have mercy God willing, if she wants to be with you forever god willingoklol..peacE! asalaam oklol..peace!Lo;0!
 
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