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My wife the liar, how could she do this to me.

56K views 256 replies 45 participants last post by  jayman732819@gmail.com 
#1 ·
My wife and i have been married for 12 years, the trust i had in her is gone. I am a religous man who believes in virginity till marriage and when i met my wife she new all about my faith. After a month of getting to know her a bit i told her i was a virgin and wanted to marry a virgin woman. I told her there women who i know where raped or defiled who i would marry if they kept pure till marriage. Well she said she was a virgin and 2 years got married, she told me earliar that she broke her hymen cheerleading. Fast forward two kids and a happy marriage, but she was so uneasy around her friends when they visited, then one day her best friend blurted out how wonderful it was for me to have a partner with so much experience especially that i was a virgin. I was numb when i heard that, now i cant even look at my wife i dont eat her food am just in limbo. Has any gotten through such? I havent slept with her in over a month.
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#3 ·
I'm in direct opposition with your beliefs about no sex until marriage as it's just far too problematic in a relationship bound to have enough problems already.
(this OP and dozens of others are evidence of this fact)

However, she intentionally lied to secure your commitment.
It would be understandable if this were a deal breaker for you.

I advise trying to work it out however.
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#91 ·
I'm in direct opposition with your beliefs about no sex until marriage as it's just far too problematic in a relationship bound to have enough problems already.
(this OP and dozens of others are evidence of this fact)
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Statistically, virgins who marry are significantly less likely to divorce than more experienced people. And as the number of prior partners increases, so do the odds of divorce.
 
#4 ·
I have my beliefs and they have helped me make decisions that where good for my health. I cant get past the imagery of her acts. I keep thinking did she do this with them. Its so unfair because i was truthful to her and i let her make her decision of continuing our relationship then. But she never gave me the same option.
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#5 ·
Since you are a religious man, I would recommend that you talk to a religious marital counselor to advise you on how to proceed based on the teachings of your religion. This forum may not be able to provide the answers that you seek because of its secular nature.
 
#6 ·
Everyone except Christ was and will aways be defiled from conception. No matter how holy you think you have been or think that you are...you will never be (in this world) nothing more than a corrupt sinner guilty of breaking the entire and whole law of God! If you can't forgive your wife then how do you think that God can forgive you?
You might get torched with this thread.
I understand that you now have a reason to have lost trust but we are not under the law but under grace and you have the obligation because of Christs example to forgive your wife for that lie. Brother she wasn't pure and neither are you and neither am I.
You sound to be either very young or very dogmatic and on a 'holiness' kick. Either way my friend you have alot of wakeing up to do and a hard life ahead of you if you can't except that your wife wasn't a virgin before marriage as she told you.
I understand you being hurt though as I was under the impression that I married a virgin at the age of 19. But oh my what has transpired since then now has me looking back and thinking how foolish I was to want a Godly woman that would be and remain my virgin till death do us part and stake my heart and soul on anothers purity and Godly living. 'Welcome to my world...won't you come on in...' the old song says.Lol.:eek:
 
#7 · (Edited)
Everyone except Christ was and will aways be defiled from conception. No matter how holy you think you have been or think that you are...you will never be (in this world) nothing more than a corrupt sinner guilty of breaking the entire and whole law of God! If you can't forgive your wife then how do you think that God can forgive you?
Wow.

While I don't adhere to the original poster's views, the issue is this: he was lied to. This was a foundation of his marriage, which he now learned that is shattered.

What are you more upset about, the lying wife or the poster seeking help?

Shocs - I imagine that this is a relatively known issue within religious denominations. There could be counseling material that focuses on this issue specifically, from a religouis-based counseling group.
 
#9 ·
Maybe you should look into Focus on the Family online forums for more helpful support. In my opinion, the issue is deceipt, and no more. The woman wanted to be with you, and made a lie of omission. That is a powerful thing, knowing that her motivation was only to be with you. From the moment you came into her life, all thoughts of the past get pushed behind. Please don't let insecurities ruin a good thing. Speak to a pastoral counselor.
 
#10 ·
Do you think it's something that will go away with time? That feeling of betrayal? I ask because it's been 12 years ...how has the marriage been? I don't know why she lied to you about her virginity--- you must be pretty awesome :) She really wanted to keep you.

I can understand how you feel though. I hate being lied to. It's a big deal to me. I really hope you can work through this emotionally and with your wife.
 
#12 ·
Maybe its a good idea just to stick to the deceipt that went on. To some people of religion, having sex with another person in a prior relationship is marriage in God's eyes. While I really, really hope and believe that isn't true (I can't even remember the names of more than a couple of them), it really isn't the point of the thread.
 
#14 ·
I do not agree with your views but I respect them. The bottom line is that you married her under false pretenses. She deliberately lied to you. You have a core belief belief system and she was dishonest to you. She was very foolish to believe that it would not be found out.

What has your wife now told you about her past? What do you plan to do?
 
#15 ·
Ask her to apologize. Then decide if you can forgive her. You are learning that life is not black and white, but full of shades of gray. If you two can work past this, your marriage will be stronger than ever.

If you can learn to forgive, you will understand the true meaning of being a Christian.
 
#16 ·
Does it matter how she has been in our marriage?? How am i suppose to know the core reason why she has been good to me, may be guilt? That she has been lying to me for 12 years. Some times our guilt makes us want to do great things to subdue our decietful actions. Shes slept with 8 guys, 3 of these guys are community friends, who when we go to parties we talk to them. I feel fooled, she says its the past but you know what its my present. I cant take that she probably was comparing or even reminincing about her sexual past.
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#17 ·
It's tough that some of these guys are mutual friends. However, she wouldn't have had a happy marriage with you for 12 years if she was comparing you sexually to them.

You need to tell her everything you are feeling, and give her a chance to apologize to you. I think she will want the opportunity to help you heal from this.
 
#21 ·
Starting a marriage based on deceit is always a bad idea. Here's an example.

Will this discovery be the start of a slow disintegration of the marriage? Once faith and trust in the spouse is breached, now what?

I would say she wasnt smart enough to disengage with her past friends. And she's still hanging around her past lovers.

There are danger signs all over.
 
#24 ·
Starting a marriage based on deceit is always a bad idea. Here's an example.

Will this discovery be the start of a slow disintegration of the marriage? Once faith and trust in the spouse is breached, now what?

I would say she want smart enough to disengage with her past friends. And she's still hanging around her past lovers.

There are danger signs all over.
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
 
#25 ·
Holier than thou attitude? OP just learned about his wife after years of believing in something that wasn't true. Additionally, some of his friends are men his wife has sex with before marriage. It can be very humiliating when everyone knows but him. He has a right to be humiliated and angry. Those emotions aren't based only on religion.
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#26 ·
In contract law, there is a concept called "fraud in the inducement", I think. It voids the contract.
I think this guy is justifed n feeling baboozled. It has nothing to do with my views on pre-marital sex and everything to do with being defrauded.
Attacking his view on the importance of virginity is a red herring.
 
#30 ·
golfergirl said:
I guess my point is, if this is based on religious beliefs then forgiveness is the basis of those beliefs. And not forgiving and divorcing is a 'sin' on the same level as a lie.
If this is based on morals and pride, then forgiveness doesn't come in to play.
The ability to lie on such a huge level for so many years is huge. But if she has been a loyal, respectful wife for 12 years. A true partner and good mom and upholds the morals she probably wished she had when she met you, is that not worth taking a breath and exploring if this can be solved and forgiven?
What does she say?
Just because a thief has not stolen in years doesn't absolve him/her from facing the consequences of the past.

Your concern of her comparing partners sounds like pride speaking, not necessarily your religious beliefs.
And why should he not feel this way? When we (male and female) were betrayed, weren't there times that we also compared ourselves to our cheating spouses lovers? Not only that but she has continued being friends with previous lovers unbeknownst to him who they were to begin with.

Just like in affairs, it is not just the sex with a lover that hurts but more so the lies and deception to his/her betrayed spouse which causes him/her the most painful injury.
 
#34 ·
Just because a thief has not stolen in years doesn't absolve him/her from facing the consequences of the past.



And why should he not feel this way? When we (male and female) were betrayed, weren't there times that we also compared ourselves to our cheating spouses lovers? Not only that but she has continued being friends with previous lovers unbeknownst to him who they were to begin with.

Just like in affairs, it is not just the sex with a lover that hurts but more so the lies and deception to his/her betrayed spouse which causes him/her the most painful injury.
I agree with all but just like an affair, take step back and look at big picture and if fixable. Decide what she can do if anything to fix it. If the 12 years were good, aren't they worth exploring if repairable before pulling plug? If pulling plug is even an option based on OP's beliefs.
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#33 ·
Well, in this day of age, seeking a virgin seems a bit too conservative, but then again, there are people who seem OK with open marriage and swapping, and there are people who try to hang on to the extreme end of conservatism and purity. So, I respect and understand your sentiment. I think your premise of marriage with your W has been found to be based on deceit.

Frankly, you are screwed now, since I know you cannot divorce her because of this, and your W knows this too. There is not much you can do other than some apologies you can get out of her. Beyond that, I don't know what you can do.

Her past sexual partners were people you have been interacting without knowing hurts very much as well. Although I never sought a virgin, if I had found out my W led me to interact with people she had sex with without telling me, I would be enraged and humiliated as well. In your case, the hurt would be much much worse.

No answer here. You just have to suck it up, I guess. Sorry.
 
#35 ·
I think he would be more amanble to forgiving, had she come to him and admitted the lie and asked for forgiveness.
As someone mentioned, living that lie all this time also speaks volumes about her, in additon to the initial lying.
It was terribly wrong and selfish of her to have done this. There is no obligation to extend the gift of forgiveness.
Is she remorseful at all?
 
#37 ·
Ya know, I think I can empathize with the OP. I would feel fooled too, knowing now that the men she slept with are mutual friends. How awkward. Now he not only knows she slept with others before marriage but he knows WHO THEY ARE. I think that's worse.

On a personal note, my father was a cad (RIP) and had 2 children older than myself that I still have never met. My mother believed I was his first child. That she was his first marriage. Wrong. I found out one night from my dad when he and I went drinking (I was 21). I was shocked. I was mortified. I never told my mom. Why? Because that would make her whole marriage a lie. EVEN THOUGH they divorced, I couldn't burst that bubble for her.

So, to the OP...i feel for you, I really do. I also hope, in time, that things can be smoothed out.
 
#38 ·
I love how ppl tell the op to abandon his values because they themselves do not hold them and further because it means that they too would fall from this ideal.

The op believes what he does, has compassion for women who were raped and would marry one if he fell in love with them. His wife knew his values and lied to get him. That is horribly selfish and unloving. But what bothers me most is that others who are far less important knew what her husband did not.

She needs religious counselling, not him.

And as far as values are concerned, I thought on this forum, ppl would understand how much deception hurts. Being deceived into marriage is horrible to experience. I'm seeing that a lot of people can't see someone else's pain if it involves conviction. I find that ironic since so called liberals give everything else a pass and say to each his own except in such cases. Lying and marriage do not go together.
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#50 ·
Very well stated.I t amazes me that some people cannot make the distinnction between whether they feel his values are valid and the real issue re:lying to trap someone into marriage. WTF,Suppose a gay person lies about his or her sexuality to trap a partner? No difference.
 
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