I was told to re-post this in this forum, so here it is
This is the first time I have posted and don't know if this is the right place, but here goes.
Lately my wife and I have been having difficulties in our relationship which have been building for probably the past year. Much of the problem is likely my fault, I have been out of work four a few years now, I have been attending school and doing side work when it comes available. Since I have been out of work I have been fighting depression and anxiety issues because I feel that there have been little prospects for me and this has led to me having a fairly short fuse, and I tend to get angry at my wife for little things. She has been supporting our family throughout this time and I don't think I have shown her the appreciation she deserved.
About a month ago, she sat down next to me on the couch and told me that she is not happy and that she is moving out. I had a feeling this was coming, and only said that if she thinks that is what she needs to do, there is little I can do to stop her. After a few days of talking back and forth, we agreed that she would not leave until after I was done with school, which would be in about three months. In the mean time we agreed that we would do what we could to save our relationship. Since then, I have been trying very hard to be a better husband. I have since gotten a good job, I have gotten the house into order and finished up a lot of things on the honey-do list, I have been trying to set time aside for just her and I and I have been very conscious to not get angry with her for minor thing like not doing any housework. For a while there things seemed to be improving, we had even been cuddling at night and have made love a couple of times, but then last week she seems to have started to pull away again. When I asked what was going on, she went back to her original complaints about me and said that she is going to need time to heal.
I should mention that since the day she said she was going to move out, I have had an uneasy feeling that she is hiding something else from me. This feeling came roaring back and I decided that I needed to try and figure it out for myself. I looked at her phones text history and found a series of texts to another man. I didn't get a chance to get the full context of the messages but they made me think that she might have cheated on me or that she is having an emotional affair with this man. One of the messages had a line saying that she did not regret "being with you". There was a text from him saying that he kept looking at a photo of her and that she is very beautiful. Another text from her said that she had thought of moving to where he is at and finding a job and getting a home. Another group of messages had them both saying that they often think of what might have been. I think this man is from a past relationship she had prior to meeting me, but I am not sure. Since I did not get a chance to get the full context of these messages the first time around, I decided that I wanted to look at them again to try and determine if they were just speaking of the past or if there was something going on now. When I went to look again, many of the messages had been deleted, but new messages had been exchanged between them. None of the messages seemed to be incriminating in ad of themselves, but the tone of the messages seemed to be that of someone in a new relationship.
I have since noticed new messages on her phone from him, but I think my wife might know that I looked at the messages and has been keeping her phone close, to the point that she brings it to be with her and that when a message comes in, she shields the screen. I got a chance to look at the phone again the other day and there were messages from him again on it that again seemed to be in that tone of a new relationship and the next time I looked at the phone, the messages were deleted again.
I have decided to do some research on this man and have figured out that he lives in another state, so unless he has moved here or has visited, I don't think they have been sleeping together, but I am still very worried. I don't know how to approach this situation. Should I confront her about it and risk exposing that I have looked at her private messages. Do I try to get in out of her at her own will, do I just let it go and continue to try and improve our relationship and hope that she will realize that she can't be with me and have a relationship with him, do I try and dig deeper into their conversations and try to access emails and other messages, do I talk to her friends and try to find out if she has mention him to any of them?
I feel that I am walking on thin ice here. I do see some improvements in our relationship. We are talking, saying I love you, being physical with each other and have even made love a few times since these messages started to appear though it seems that I am always the one to initiate it.
What should I do? I really want to make our marriage work for our sake and for the sake of our kids. I have never had an emotional connection to anyone the way I do with my wife, and I just don't see me ever being able to have one like it again. She is one of the few people who I have ever felt like spending time with. I don't connect well with others very often and she is my life.
Please help me.
AF4MM: She's acting to alleviate your suspicions. She'll dump you at the first chance she has to consummate her EA. I am already suspicious of the one text message that describes them being together and not regretting it.
Listen to the advice you get here. Don't question it, just follow it.
Think about this. It is very IMPORTANT:
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE ANYMORE. You already lost her. She's in the marriage cause it's convenient.
Do not make it easy for her anymore.
Decide what those boundaries are and what the consequences are. You know she's having an affair. She knows you know that she is having an affair. At this point, she's only masking how deep it really is.
In talking to her, do not listen to a word she says. Look only at her actions. Put her on notice that you know about the affair (no need to reveal your source). Find a way to expose the OM even if it is only to her family and yours (if OM has a wife / gf etc).
This is time for you to MAN UP.
Read this books in no particular order:
No More Mr Nice Guy
Hold on to your NUTZ
Married Mans Sex Life Primer
If she wants space or time alone. Invite her to leave and help her pack her bags. Cut her off from joint finances, credit cards, etc. Let her find her way on her own.
Remember, you don't have ANYTHING to lose anymore. Your marriage is already LOST. The actions we will recommend will only help you RECOVER IT.
Its a LONG ROAD. IT WILL BE HARD and TRYING, but if it's recoverable, it is the PATH!
Find out if OM is married. His marital status changes the game plan quite a bit. Because your relationship is a bit on a thin ice now, you do not know how strong a stance you can take in confrontation, which should occur at some point.
Chapparal I thought of the key logger, but have not tried to install one yet, and I don't really know how useful it would be since what I have found so far have been texts on her smart phone. I have not been able to find a keylogger that is compatible with her phone. Dadof3, I am hesitant to just confront her because as I stated in the post the texts I read are a little out of context. The comment about her not regretting being with him could very possibly refer to an encounter prior to us getting together. I only say this because some of the other texts refer to some of her old friends and imply that they both knew them from the past. I am also in a situation where I can't really confront her about it right now because I do need her to be around and willing to help take care of the kids during the transition time while I am starting my new job. I am starting it on Monday and cannot afford to not show up due to a family matter. The way that our work schedules are, I need to be able to depend on her to be home when I need to leave for work, without worrying about her being vengeful. I do not have anyone else around that I can rely on if I do confront her and she decides to leave.
I know that the deleting of the texts is a BIG red flag, and shows that she is hiding something from me, but I cannot be sure it is another relationship. It could simply be her hiding her cards in case we do end up separating and I am just overreacting. This is what I am hoping for though I know it's a long shot.
I think I need to find a way to confirm whether or not she is actually committed to trying to work on our relationship. I still think that if we both commit and really try, we can pull through this and I don't want to screw this up by making an unsubstantiated accusation. I think before I can do that I have to be more established in my new job and have more evidence of an outside relationship.
Check his facebook, reverse phone number check, or you can pay a marginal fee to PI to get some info.
Right now, your relationship with W is not very strong and if you get too firm and aggressive with her, she may turn the table around on you with her built up resentment, real or not. She may even dare you to divorce her. If OM is married, that does give you a stronger bargaining position as she does not have any realistic future with him. Besides, the threat of contacting OM or exposing it to OMW or his Work can put her in submissive stance. It affects the power dynamic in how you deal with her.
You are about to go into battle for your marriage, get the inteligence first before you cofront your W and do this quitely.
The point to all this is to avoid any deniablity from your wife once you have the facts/proof to your W true intentions then you will be able to confront her on a even battle field, and if your investigation has more information then your W has then you have the higher ground.
In my case I knew more about OM then my WW.
So please do the research quitly and then confront your wife knowing the true context of there relationship. After the confrontation you will then beable to use this information in getting your wife out of the fantasy fog she is now in. With the information you gather you will have a better chance to make this affiar as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to contiue or start up again.
There is a wealth of info on what you can do to get what you will need on invistigating your wife loyality, there is also tons of info on how to fight the affair after confrontation.
See this infidelity is all a script, yes there are idividual variables, but in general infidelity is a sript and there a proven way in fighting for your marriage and getting your wife out of her fantasy fog.
You are not alone and this place (TAM) has the folks that have been there and the experience that will be vitel in your crusade.
I am hesitant to just confront her because as I stated in the post the texts I read are a little out of context. The comment about her not regretting being with him could very possibly refer to an encounter prior to us getting together.
You can prove to her that she texted a man thousands of times, a man she failed to mention to you, and you're afraid the texts may be innocent? Can you explain why you don't know him? He's very close to your wife. I wonder why she never mentioned him?
I can't help you fix it, but I can hopefully help you understand that you're wife is smack in the middle of an affair and you DO NEED to do something about it. You want to spy a little more to find the full extent of the affair? Fine. Go for it. But get over that first hurdle. There is NO WAY she can explain away keeping him from you.
Good luck. I feel for you. Sorry I can't help you.
MrK you made a good point.
Being in deniel is a strong force, it took me a while to face my wifes life style. But once I faced it and confronted her I was told it was nothing and she was not seeing any one.
The second time I confronted her I simple showed her the text messages and pictures and walked a way. Until she finaly admitted there was a probplem....a very big proplem.
Let me tell you, her looking at her bad behavior in black and white made her face reality, thats for sure
Sorry for the thred jack. The point is find whats really going on before you confront, if you don't you will get more lies.
Does your wife have Facebook? If so, they're probably friends, so that's another place to start. I agree with other posters, talking to the OM's wife or girlfriend, if he has one, will most likely make the affair fall apart.