To
@Maricha ‘s point, I can tell you I talked until I was blue in the face to my husband before my ONS about the things that I was unhappy about. I’m not knocking what she said by any means, BUT it was always my CHOICE to cheat. However, the downfall of the marriage up until that point also rested on my husbands shoulders, along with mine. I should have left if I was so unhappy. I absolutely, 100% agree and state that that is true. I didn’t. Whether it was because I was too weak, had too low self esteem, don’t value myself enough, etc. Point being, I never left even though I was unhappy.
But that is not to say I didn’t try to communicate what I needed. I don’t think a lot of you understand how pathetically I tried to communicate what I needed. I lived with a man who never once complimented me. I have never heard my husband say the words “you’re beautiful”. On our wedding day, he told me I looked “cute”. I have never once heard my husband say the words “you look nice, I like that shirt, you smell good, I like the way you _________, I’m proud of you when you _________” My husband does not initiate affection that doesn’t lead to sex. If I initiate affection, it’s met half a$$ed, like I’m bothering him. The last time my husband sent me flowers was my 30th birthday. I’ll be 38 next month. We’ve been married 8 years. That means my husband has sent me flowers ONE time the entire time we’ve been married. My husband complained often about everything I did. Either my cooking wasn’t as good as his grandmas, I washed a shirt that he didn’t want washed – but never a thank you for the millions of other loads of laundry that I did. He has only recently – since February of THIS YEAR started saying “thanks for dinner”. When our friends would say “dude, you have the BEST wife” his response was “well you don’t have to live with her”. When I would bring up my concerns to him, the things that I was lacking his response was “then go find someone that is better than me”. I never got gifts “just because”. He didn’t ask my input on what cars were purchased, what color we painted rooms. I never got date nights, heck, I rarely got time with him at all because he’d play softball 4-5 nights a week and the other nights go to his friends house and watch football/baseball/basketball, play golf, go on guys weekends to the islands. Then lets talk about the fact that he talked to his ex girlfriend non stop for 10 years no matter how many times I told him I didn’t like it, it hurt me, it damaged our relationship, it made me feel bad. Let’s talk about the fact that he text another woman and asked her to send a picture of her boobs. Let’s talk about his porn addiction, his financial infidelity. The fact that he constantly lied to me about the stupidest things that he didn’t need to lie about. “I’m working late” when he just wanted to go to a friends house to watch a football game. The fact that if he didn’t want to go do something with someone he would tell them “Well, the wifes getting upset I’m going and doing too many things, she won’t let me go” and then he would tell me that his friends thought I kept him on a short leash. No wonder they thought I kept him on a short leash while he was lying and blaming ME for not going when I never told him not to go. He doesn’t help with housework. He doesn’t do laundry, dishes, sweep, mop, dust, take out the trash, run the kids around.
I’ve only touched the surface above. Does that sound like a good marriage to you? If I’ve talked and talked and talked and talked about those things over the last 10 years and nothing has changed, does he have responsibility for the downfall of the marriage? Or does it strictly fall onto MY shoulders because I cheated one time for 30 seconds? I’m not minimizing what I did. It was AWFUL. But if THAT was my marriage pre-cheating, how happy do you think I was? I didn’t go out with the intention to cheat. I wasn’t looking for it. I’d never even thought of it. But in THAT moment, when every need that had been neglected the previous 7 years was being met, I failed. I fed in to every single smooth word that was said. I finally felt like a woman who was beautiful. I finally felt like I was being appreciated. Someone was interested in me. Someone wanted to hear me talk and touch me without being annoyed by it. It was like a drug to my soul.
I am NOT blameless. The state of my marriage did not force me to cheat. That was a CHOICE that I made, that I quickly realized was wrong and I stopped. But before that, my marriage was a JOKE. And no amount of begging and pleading I did with my husband changed ANYTHING.
Do you know what the first thing my husband said to me was? “I KNOW I wasn’t a good husband, but I didn’t deserve THIS”. And no, he didn’t deserve it. But the first thing he recognized AFTER I did what I did was that he had not been a good husband. I’m not saying I was a perfect wife, I’m strictly talking about him right now.
You can tell me my action was more severe than his, and to a big extent, I will agree with you. I HATE what I did. If I was so unhappy, I should have left. I will never say that isn’t true. But up until the very minute I did what I did, I had hoped, cried, prayed, sobbed and begged for him to see all of the ways our marriage was falling apart. And he could never see it. He didn’t want to put any effort in.
So now we decided to stay together.
Last night, after my nightly bath of washing with coconut soap, mango body wash and hibiscus coconut lotion that I cover my body in, I asked my husband “how come you never tell me I smell nice?”
His response was to plug his nose and look at me funny (joking around that I didn’t smell nice). I said “I’m serious”. His response was “you take everything too damn serious”.
So here we are 5 months into reconciliation. I have changed more things about myself in the last 6 months than I can count. He’s admitted he wasn’t a good husband. He still doesn’t compliment me. He’s still never told me I’m beautiful. He still doesn’t tell me I smell nice, he likes my shirt, I look nice. He still doesn’t do any laundry, dishes, cook or clean. He’s golfing and playing softball constantly. He still doesn’t send me flowers. He still tells me I’m difficult and hard to love. He blames every single thing that happens on me.
So let me ask you, the state of this marriage going forward – who is responsible for the downfall of it? I am still begging and pleading with my husband for the things that I need to help me feel wanted in this marriage and they aren’t being met. He’s still acting the same way he was pre-affair, AFTER admitting to not being a good husband.
I will NOT cheat on him again. I’d rather die. So the choice is for me to stay or leave. But if I choose to leave now, who does the fault rest on? Me? Him? Or both of us?