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Reconciliation is Incredibly Hard Work

29K views 181 replies 34 participants last post by  tigerlily99 
#1 ·
My H and I are about to celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary, we have two grown sons that left home within the past 3years, and one early teen daughter still at home.

We have been on the reconciliation road for a little under 3-1/2 years now. We have both been feeling so weary and discouraged lately. A lot of our fights and misunderstandings feel like broken records that are carving deep painful grooves into our souls. The discouragement is not from the ongoing work of re-engaging our hearts, even though that can be frustrating, we are not above working hard for a valuable relationship. The discouragement and near-hopelessness comes from the fear that we will never have the easy-going love that we once had. That we have both put in an incredible amount of work and soul-searching and effort, yet the ease of our mutual love and happiness still remains elusively out of reach.

Background: in April of 2013 my H realized or discovered that I was having an EA with one of his best friends. I had only just begun to realize it was becoming an inappropriate friendship myself about two months prior and had literally made the decision to tell him the very weekend he found out. (At that time I didn't even know what an EA was)

I say that only to explain that even though I had emotionally bonded with OM I was still in the early stages of realizing the direction my heart was heading. So thankfully it ended early on.

One of the reasons I had been able to fool myself for so long was because we were couple friends with OM and his wife. He and I had started communicating at first just to plan outings for the 4 of us because we both happened to be the planners in our respective marriages. As we all got to be closer over the course of about 3 years, we found that we had other things in common and would text and FB msg here and there. My H was aware of our occasional chatting AND he had full access to my FB account which I assumed he was checking in on. In fact OM would often talk to H about the content of our conversations so things were really out in the open and no one seemed upset so I thought all was well. (They worked together)

The main problem, not just in this situation but with me in general, was that I didn't believe that my inner feelings mattered, unless someone else confirmed that they did.

It was one of my very best friends who after asking me some very pointed questions about my friendship with OM said to me, 'it concerns me that you are assuring me that nothing would ever come of this because he (OM) doesn't like you 'that' way and not because you would never want to compromise your marriage.'

She really shone the light on the deceptiveness of my heart. It took me a while to actually accept what she was saying as a signal that all was not well with me in this friendship, irregardless of how he felt. (OM)

At that time I felt that H didn't care what I did. He not only was part of the friendship, he encouraged it. (He had so much blind faith in me and had no idea that I was unhappy (my fault) so he didn't know that he was basically offering me an alternative to my loneliness.) I sometimes wondered if he was pawning me off on his friend because we were both natural talkers and it took some of the pressure off of my very non-talker H. (Another source of pain and disconnect for me in our M)

So basically I was very out of touch with myself and subsequently H was very out of touch with me. His description of what happened in 2013 was that he was on the party train heading for wedded bliss and out of the blue it derailed and destroyed his happy little world. It makes me weepy to think that I did that to him...but also glad that we got a wake up call because my perspective was that I would never get what I truly wanted out of marriage because I thought men were incapable of the sort of heart connection and understanding that I was starving for.

I wish the wake up could've come about in another way though. I would never, ever choose the pain, and undermining of confidence that this has brought about for my H. He has forgiven me for the betrayal but the worst part is he can't seem to forgive himself for being party to this and for not recognizing my great need and how it was being met by someone else. He feels stupid and foolish because he thought all was well and he paraded me out for his friend as an example of a wonderful wife and bragged on his relationship with me. He told me recently that he is ashamed that he allowed OM into the 'henhouse' and even ignored my pleas for help. (I tried to tell H early on that I did feel attraction to OM and so I didn't want him too close) my H's ultimate response was 'if he's into you and you're into him, I'm screwed.'

I've never made much sense of that, except to me it shows the amount of insecurity that was already evident in my H even before everything broke loose.

He always thought that the connection I had with OM was based on looks and physique so H felt he couldn't compete. I did not feel that way at all. I always felt OM and H were equally attractive, it was the willingness to talk, to be available, to notice the little things, to be kind and warm and attentive, all things that seemed to come naturally to OM and that we're lacking in my relationship with H.

Please understand I am NOT making excuses for my betrayal of affection, I am merely laying a groundwork for the things that are now the obstacles and pitfalls that H and I are navigating through in our commitment to reconciliation and create a new and healthy relationship together.

My time reading on TAM during the last couple of years has really helped me to own my s#!t and not act like what I did was because of what H did or didn't do. He never 'deserved' for me to leave him emotionally without at least telling him what I needed from him and letting him know that I was leaving.
It is because of reading all of the stories on TAM that I understand that am fully responsible for my choices and just because i allowed boundaries to slip, bit by bit through inaction, doesn't mean i didn't choose what happened even though it was all in my heart and never turned into anything physical.
(Thank God!)

Toward the end of my EA, OM and I were taking many times a day and OM would often know things going on with me before H. We did not ever profess any feelings to one another. And we never said anything negative about our spouses. We followed all the 'rules' of opposite sex friendships. I even asked him if his wife knew and was ok with us talking and he said she was.
Yet, even so, I fell hard for him because he was paying attention to me in a way I had not experienced for a very long time. (Since my teen years)
H was still pretty clueless and thought those little twinges of concern or (God forbid) jealously, were to be pushed aside and ignored.
My heart was completely given over to OM by that time and I had pretty much fully shut down to H.
What terrifies me about this phase of things was that H had no idea.
We were having amazing sex and doing lots of fun things and he had no idea that I was MIA emotionally. That just made me all the more sure that he had no real care for me but could be easily lulled by sex and fun times. :(

Now I understand that it was truly MY responsibility to TELL him! No matter how mad he got or how bad we fought afterward. Nothing is worth the pain of disconnecting with your own spouse and finding yourself open to someone else.
It still hurts my heart to think of the pain and embarrassment I caused him.
Not to mention his loss of his good friend.

I don't know if OM was into me or just had terrible boundaries. He never professed anything to me but friendship. Although he was pretty flirtatious when drinking. H told me that was the norm and that he had even flirted with ---- while drinking, who was a girl at work that they considered unattractive.
(What does a wife do with that statement?)

Ok enough history, if you're interested in my story and Ive left anything out I'm happy to answer questions.
I'm sure there are those who will feel triggered by my story and for that I'm sorry. My reason for this thread is to discuss the difficulty of true reconciliation. It's not the easy road. My H and i have been willing to take everything down to the baseboards and rebuild. It's been incredibly painful for both of us.

We ARE committed though and are hoping that if we keep going we will reap the rewards. For now the only consistent good thing is that we haven't separated and therefore our family is still intact, our friends aren't devastated by us not making it, and we haven't had to divide our finances and assets.

But our relationship has not been the source of comfort that we both are craving. At least not consistently.

We started counseling this month and have been to one session last week. We were both encouraged to discover that this is pretty normal for a relationship overhaul and that it IS indeed the hardest part. Our therapist implored us to not give up because it's at this point that often breakthrough is just around the corner.

We have seen her off and on since the EA came out so she knows us and our story.

Bottom line: we love each other...but just loving isn't enough, when something like this happens. You really DO have to leave no stone unturned and all this stone turning is really exhausting and at times demoralizing.

Thankfully we have loving family and awesome friends which makes for a great support system. I cannot imagine going through this alone.

I hope to share as we continue counseling and as we keep walking into what i hope will be a new and wonderful second phase of our marriage!
 
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#2 ·
Well,betrayal like this,especially with his friend( imagine the humiliation) will be hard for some to get past. Most do not. Sounds like you are giving it your all.
Why choose a male to go to? Why his friend of all people?why not have talked to your H? Why choose your H in the first place if you do not like how he is?
Just wondering if you really love your H. Sounds like he is Plan B.
 
#29 ·
For the first two years he continued to work with my H. I no longer interacted with him or his wife during that time, besides an apology letter to her. H tried to remain friends which was difficult on both of us.
Then a year ago OM and wife moved very far away.

Good question. The move made everything so much easier.
 
#7 ·
Really?

Thank goodness you happened along with your little pearldrops of wisdom.:rolleyes:

(And please do not mistake your opinions for some kind of Ultimate Truth.)


Reconciliation is hard. But it is worth the effort.

@tigerlily99 you will find a lot of people commenting on your thread.

Some will think that there is no way your husband should forgive you, others will root for the both of you to continue with your reconciliation.

I am one of those who is rooting for the two of you! :smthumbup:
 
#8 ·
You have an honest wayward here, who admits her wrongs, was willing to tell her husband, has been honest with him, didn't go looking for an affair, admitted she was in over her head before she knew it, didn't even understand what an EA was and never went physical and people are still treating her like scum.

For gods sake, sometimes people really DO see the error of their ways, their short comings and indiscretions, are honest and try to be better. Cut her some slack. 3.5 years later, she doesn't need to be beat up when she has come here openly and honestly and her husband has accepted her fault and chosen to move forward with her.
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#11 · (Edited)
She really shone the light on the deceptiveness of my heart.
I think this is the case with many, if not most, affairs. The good book says that the heart is deceptive above all things, and desperately wicked. I was stunned when I first read that, but as I got older, and hopefully wiser, I see its truth. It explains the "fog of the affair" and "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" mentalities where the WS gets in too deep, thinking that it's happiness and it's what they want.

Many people today often promote the ideal that if something makes you happy, then you should go for it. I don't necessarily agree with it, because if that happiness is not anchored in integrity and honor, then regret would eventually follow.

One thing that puzzles me: if you and your husband have been at R for 3½ years, why have you two only started counseling last week?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, as this seems like one of the more salvageable marriages.
 
#40 ·
One thing that puzzles me: if you and your husband have been at R for 3½ years, why have you two only started counseling last week?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, as this seems like one of the more salvageable marriages.

Thank you for your post @becareful2 it's terrifying to find oneself in a compromised position and basing happiness on all if those trite sayings that I used to roll my eyes at, 'grass is greener', 'if it feels good go for it', love isn't forever, blah blah blah. Here I was willing to jump ship and I was starting to believe all of that garbage.

To answer your question, we have done counseling 3 separate times all with the same therapist ( and me on my own with her plus another one that first year)

H's job has employee benefits that allow 8 free sessions per year. We have done that each year and each time have felt that we got where we needed to be and then started up again why we got stuck. Didn't plan it that way, it's just how it's happened.

Thanks for us vote of confidence, I do hope we are salvageable! :) I know that if it had been a physical affair my H wouldn't have thought twice and divorced me. I am grateful for my friends and family who kept me honest and asked the tough questions.

I think that having people in your life that you share your 'stuff' with is SO important.
 
#13 ·
TigerLily,

Thanks for writing what you did, it's very valuable to betrayed spouses to hear what you did and how you felt, because in the heat of the affair they appeared very real to you.

Sometimes the betrayed spouse needs to tell the waywards story to them based on what they read here and the knowledge that affairs often follow a similar trajectory. They also sometimes need to express what the waywards cannot bring themselves to say. When my wife tried to pass off her affair with OM-1 as a one week thing I had to tell her that I knew it went on for at least half a year or more to which she hung her head. Had I not read up on affairs, I would have accepted her story on face value.

Tamat
 
#15 ·
TigerLily,

You wrote "He always thought that the connection I had with OM was based on looks and physique so H felt he couldn't compete. I did not feel that way at all."

When your spouse has an affair it confirms everything bad you've ever felt about yourself. I felt the same about OM-1, and to a degree it was confirmed by my W years and years later.

Tamat
 
#42 ·
TigerLily,



You wrote "He always thought that the connection I had with OM was based on looks and physique so H felt he couldn't compete. I did not feel that way at all."



When your spouse has an affair it confirms everything bad you've ever felt about yourself. I felt the same about OM-1, and to a degree it was confirmed by my W years and years later.



Tamat

@TAMAT
Thank you for all of your input.
You're right of course that's where my H went with it. His own insecurities.

That is insightful and a point of empathy that I can add to my understanding of his reactions.

Im sorry that you have had the experience of being a BS. I'm sorry you had to call out your WS on her minimalizing of the truth about her A. That must've been very painful.
 
#23 ·
@MattMatt, it already became a thread jack. Both you and @sokillme, if you must continue this exchange, ought to continue it in PM. I was ready to yell at you both, had Matt not commented on threadjacking.

One thing I will say is that I actually agree with Matt on the initial disagreement between the two of you, in this thread. Whirlpool's post was not helpful, in any way.

Some, such as Xenote, I believe, asked if the OM (and his wife, I would presume) are still in contact with them. That is a very relevant question. If they are still considered friends, it would be wise to discontinue contact, as that will DEFINITELY affect reconciliation.

Tigerlily, I look forward to your continued progress. Yes, reconciliation is hard work. However, if you both are fully committed to it, it is worth it.

I do wonder why you waited until now for counseling... unless that was a misunderstanding in your initial post? I hope you can clarify that. Finally, I just want to say that *some* are able to work things out without counseling, and I would guess this is how you felt in the beginning, but I hope you will be able to confirm, one way or the other.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk
 
#27 ·
This is very individual. People have various degrees of views on this. Good luck to you whatever happens. You have a very understandable man.


Personally, when my XW cheated on me with a classmate and another girl, it almost landed me in jail and Thank God the perpetrator was not there at time I found out. I probably would have killed him there and then. In such sense it is always dangerous for a man to cheat on another wife. Not to mention how pathetic and morally bankrupt it is.

She DID try to reconcile, but I was never sure how serious it was, never cared. I had her come over and threw her suitcases with her stuff down the street from the balcony. I shredded photos of 5 years along with personal things she had given. It looked like a refugee camp. I may have been faulted for much, but nobody will ever accuse me of not burning bridges to the ground when I want to. I later in my life gave this guy everything I got in a legal fashion and it caused major destruction in his life, although I also wasted time on it, true. My new wife even wanted me to set him up for sexual harassment, but being a nice guy I let him be. Him and the X is now divorced with two kids and all that drama. During their divorce proceedings she actually called me, not sure why, but I think her attorney wanted to try see if I could be to any use. I called her attorney up later on and told him I would be happy to slander his client, LOL. Needless to say, I gave a deposition to the guys lawyer and was called as witness (!!) and my input actually DID help damaging her more. I still remember being threatened with "contempt of court" after the cross as I said I thank **** for getting my X out of my life. They are both scumbags.

Never forgive, never forget....
 
#43 ·
Have you considered that rather than you being the only one with some dissatisfaction with your mate's qualities,he might have found some deficiencies in you,as well. Yet,he did not try to develop feelings for one of your friends?
I wonder if,like many of the WS that post here,you feel that you were the superior spouse and your husband caused this.
 
#46 ·
@Whirlpool and @Lardo
I am not saying that makes it ok because I didn't notice. But it did reveal a character flaw in myself that I was checked out of connection with my own needs, feelings and motives.
This is something I have worked on during these last three years. Some with counsellors and their recommended books, classes and research. (And TAM)
I found out through this that I WAS indeed blaming my H. Inwardly justifying my illicit enjoyment of the attention of another man because of H's shortcomings.
That IS wrong and inexcusable. But I don't blame him for my EA. I take full responsibility that it was on me to tell him what I needed and I didn't. It was wrong to go try and find it somewhere else. (Consciously or not)
 
#50 ·
Michelle Langley wrote about this in her second e-book, Women's Infidelity 2.
It seems a common misconception among some women that men are less emotionally evolved,despite all the male poets,philosophers,artist,authors etc. For some strange reason,despite all the evidence to the contrary,some women refuse to believe that they can go to their husbands and talk about their dissatisfaction.just bizzare,as most of my male friends talk about and share feelings like crazy( and,most of us were jocks).
Many women,despite the false claims that women are better communicators,seem to expect clairvoyance.
 
#57 ·
Re: tion is Incredibly Hard Work

We all have shortcomings.why would your husband having some fuel your affair? Did your vows provide for an exception in the event you perceived shortcomings? Mine did not.
The OP is 3.5 years into recovery. We are not going to use this thread to start attacking her.
 
#60 ·
Tiger Lily, anyone who is R will tell you it is a tough process, there are so many raw feelings, needs not expresses, hurts and wounds to overcome. I have no doubt though with a good therapist this can be done but it will take time, maybe 5 years plus and you will both always be on your guard, though that is not necessarily a bad thing as you wont take each other for granted and be aware of signs of slippage.

If you and your H have wholeheartedly committed to making it work, it will work. Much of what happens imo in reconciliation cannot be merely based on feelings, it it were many of the Rs would not work. It has to be based on a solid commitment to stick it out and go through the good and the bad and be honest with one another. Nothing beats transparency.
I too am in R and struggling, I doubt myself, I doubt him, he is not the best communicator though he is very emotional and is very easily hurt.
 
#66 ·
Tiger Lily, anyone who is R will tell you it is a tough process, there are so many raw feelings, needs not expresses, hurts and wounds to overcome. I have no doubt though with a good therapist this can be done but it will take time, maybe 5 years plus and you will both always be on your guard, though that is not necessarily a bad thing as you wont take each other for granted and be aware of signs of slippage.



If you and your H have wholeheartedly committed to making it work, it will work. Much of what happens imo in reconciliation cannot be merely based on feelings, it it were many of the Rs would not work. It has to be based on a solid commitment to stick it out and go through the good and the bad and be honest with one another. Nothing beats transparency.

I too am in R and struggling, I doubt myself, I doubt him, he is not the best communicator though he is very emotional and is very easily hurt.


Thank you so much @aine for your heartfelt description of exactly what I'm going through! Honestly I always feel encouraged by knowing it may take 5+ years, or be harder than I realize, etc. because it gives me hope that we will make it.
Three and a half years feels like forever!!
It feels even longer than the previous 20!
But we are both very much engaged and working hard. Sort of like birth. Lol

I really like what you said about R not being merely based on feelings.
That really strikes me as a truth I need to keep top of mind. I am a very deep feeling person, and like yours, my H is emotional and easily hurt. (esp now)
I am asking my H to learn to communicate when he's hurting or thinking things through or just zoning out. :p
It helps, but what you said is so true, I need to focus on my choices, not my feelings.
My choice IS to stick it out through good and bad.

I'm sorry for your pain and doubt as you and your H go through R. I hope for the better days to outweigh the hard ones! :)
 
#65 ·
I am pretty good TigerLily. I agree, R is very, very hard. Especially with double infidelity. I think he would rather that I had an EA rather than a PA and I would rather he’d had a PA than and EA, but considering the opposite is what happened, this is what we’re dealing with. We’re both choosing to stay and love each other through it. It’s tough. I want so many things to change as far as our communication, transparency, being raw and open. He seems to want things to just be a better version of what it used to be without putting much work into himself. Though he expects great changes from me. If I bring up something to him, he can acknowledge it as a problem, but lacks either the skill or desire to look within to change it. I have some skill to look within and change things and very much desire to do so, but sometimes it’s hard. When you’ve done things a certain way for so long it’s hard to change your gut reactions and what comes out of your mouth before you think. But we ARE both trying in many ways. I just think I’m a little more open to doing whatever it takes whereas he’s more “whatever will be will be”.

I get what you mean about it being a friend so your guard was not up as much as it should have been. I was the same way. My AP was my husbands best friend and I considered him a good friend of mine. You don’t think someone who has always been a friend, and especially a friend to your spouse would cross a boundary so your guard is lessened. When you view someone with friendly feelings and nothing more, you feel safer to be yourself around them without that wall up blocking things. The night I did what I did, I never felt like I was putting myself at risk of anything happening. I wasn’t attracted to him, I’d never been. I’d never had any reason to think he was attracted to me. I’d been places with him several times and never felt that he would pursue me or put our friendship, his friendship with my husband, my friendship with his (now) wife at jeopardy. We were just friends. Earlier in the night, we’d been at a bar where I was being pursued heavily by another guy and no matter how many times I told the guy I was uninterested, married, etc. the guy wouldn’t back off. My AP stepped in and told him to back the F off because I was married to his best friend! Why wouldn’t I feel safe with this guy? For Pete’s sake he’d helped me with another guy being inappropriate just a few hours before. I’d ridden in cars with him before, he’d stopped by the house when my husband wasn’t home before to pick something up or drop something off, we’d been alone several times where NOTHING had ever even been mentioned. I was under the impression that he was happily involved with his girlfriend (now wife), was a good friend to our marriage and to my husband. He’d often joked that if J and I ever split up, J got to keep him in the divorce and that we wouldn’t be friends anymore. I had ZERO reason to think things would escalate the way they did that night. The first time he said something, I thought he was just joking and being inappropriate. I still had no real feelings that he would try to cross the line. We’d been drinking all day and night and I took it as an inappropriate joke. Had this been someone I was not familiar with or wary of, my guard would have been up and nothing would have been “allowed” to slip by rationalizing the excuse that he was just a friend who had drank too much and didn’t realize what he was saying.
 
#68 ·
We’re both choosing to stay and love each other through it. It’s tough. I want so many things to change as far as our communication, transparency, being raw and open. He seems to want things to just be a better version of what it used to be without putting much work into himself. Though he expects great changes from me. If I bring up something to him, he can acknowledge it as a problem, but lacks either the skill or desire to look within to change it. I have some skill to look within and change things and very much desire to do so, but sometimes it’s hard. When you’ve done things a certain way for so long it’s hard to change your gut reactions and what comes out of your mouth before you think.
Wow, yes! This portion of what you said I can really relate with. Especially that part about doing something a certain way for so long it's hard to change...THAT is the crux of the very hardest part of this. Plus we both want different changes to take place sometimes!
I want to tear everything down to the the studs and remodel and he wants to just rearrange the furniture. Lol




I get what you mean about it being a friend so your guard was not up as much as it should have been. I was the same way. My AP was my husbands best friend and I considered him a good friend of mine. You don’t think someone who has always been a friend, and especially a friend to your spouse would cross a boundary so your guard is lessened. When you view someone with friendly feelings and nothing more, you feel safer to be yourself around them without that wall up blocking things. The night I did what I did, I never felt like I was putting myself at risk of anything happening. I wasn’t attracted to him

Yes. I appreciate you expressing your understanding of the part about not having my guards up BECAUSE he was a friend of my H.
What's weird to me still is that I fell for him. I was the one who had the feelings and attraction. This was so bewildering to me because I thought that I could still be friends even though I really liked him. In this way I guess I thought I was stronger than I was. I did try two separate times to tell my H that I was attracted to OM but his response was to get angry and withdraw. He didn't understand at the time that I was just asking for help and support I wasn't saying that I wanted to leave him for OM.

I kept feeling like the only way to handle it was the same way I handled everything, reject my feelings, because they were bad, push them down and hide them and they would go away.

I didn't know that they would come back up to bite me.
I'm not making any excuses I'm just explaining why I fooled even myself because of my faulty way of handling 'bad' emotions all along in my life.
Clearly neither my H nor I knew how to handle this in a marriage protecting way.

After the EA came out to the forefront I focused a lot on this and worked very hard on learning about why I had such a faulty system for handling bad thoughts or feelings. I've changed a lot in the last 3-1/2 years to say the least.
 
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