Hi everyone,
I discovered last night that my wife has been having an emotional affair with someone several states away. I have had a bad feeling the last several days and happened to see her cell phone in the kitchen. I looked through the text messages and discovered that her and this guy have been sending sexual and non sexual messages back and forth.
I confronted her yesterday evening and she played it off at first that it was harmless flirting through text messages. I can assure you that these messages were anything but harmless. We talked for a bit and the she left. I know that she was on the phone with him for quite a while during this time. Eventually she came back home and I got a little upset and she left again. Again, she was on the phone with him for a long time (at least an hour) during this time. She eventually came home and we talked for a while. She had to go in to work today and I know that they talked several times while she was on her way in to work.
At this point we have spent the afternoon sending instant messages back and forth. Up until now she lied to me about talking to him, insisting that their only communication was via text message. I finally got her to admit that she was also talking to him.
I am crushed. She has said that it is because I have been very distant for the past year and that she doesn't feel that I care about her. She has two sons from a previous marriage and we have a son together. At this point she said she doesn't know if she can get over the past year. I admit that she did make several attempts to engage me in our marriage and I failed to acknowledge them until now.
I love her more than anything but I don't know what to do. At this point she does not know if she wants to break contact with this guy and so this leaves me with a massive open wound knowing that she will be talking with this guy.
I've been on these forums too long. The same script. To a letter.
It is NOT your fault. Everyone has trouble in their marriages. To go outside of marriage for emotional and or physical support behind your spouse's back is infidelity. Judging by the amount and type of communication, it was a full-blown affair.
He's a few states away? I can GUARANTEE you that if I had some strange waiting for me at the other end of a short plane ride, someone sending me the types of emails you allude to, I'd have consumated that affair months ago.
Don't let her blame you that is a typical wayward trick. Track the OM down and expose to his wife , or his significant other and if he has neither to his parents and siblings . Move all monies to an account she cannot get to, obtain copies of her text messages and keep them secure, call her parents and know she is in an affair .
Have a zero tolerance of her adultery , if she is using a phone you pay for have his number blocked . If she does not cease immediately and agree to the terms of marriage by going permanent no contact , sending him a no contact letter and committing to full transparency then run a hard 180:
The 180 below
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.*
16. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
27. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
28. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
29. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
In parallel to this prepare for a formal legal seperation; I am not saying you must divorce I am saying get ready for one as if your wife does not stop the affair you will need to understand your options . Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks for the reply. She swears to me that this has only been going on for a few weeks so anything sexual has happened over the phone/internet and that was only in the last 5 days (this does seem to make sense based on the text messages I read).
My big worry is that it would be very convenient for her to suddenly need to make a business trip where it would be very easy for them to get together. I want to make it clear that this has NOT happened but I could see it happening if things keep escalating.
She refused to tell me the web site she joined where she met this guy so there are clearly trust issues. I am at a complete loss on what to do next.
Eli-Zor,
Thank you for the pointers, those are amazing and just what I need to hear. The wound is so fresh at this point that it is hard for me to keep control of my emotions. The tears are flowing pretty freely at this point (I NEVER cry) so I am trying to get a grip. In the days to come I will be following your steps, again, thank you.
Track him down and expose his adultery ; there are sites that allow you to reverse lookup his number .
Steps are:
1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD(?) WIFE!
2 – Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 – Put “Flexispy” on any cellphone that she might use.
4 – Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 – Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take “personal” calls
6 – Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and “on” whenever in her presence.
7 – Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her – parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 – Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 – Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife’s contacts, to the tune of: “I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333”
11 – Write a similar note to POSOM’s contacts.
12 – Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 – Brace yourself.
Don't forget to call her parents and tell them of the affair and ask for their support .
Do not forewarn your wife. Posted via Mobile Device
HerToo, that was one of the first things I did and I believe that she is telling the truth in that respect. I currently have the passwords to here (known) email accounts (which she has never hid from me). I did a brief check and didn't come up with anything so she must be using an account I don't know about.
Eli-Zor,
It won't be possible to put keylogger software on her laptop because it is a company issued laptop using biometric encryption so that is out of the question.
HerToo, that was one of the first things I did and I believe that she is telling the truth in that respect. I currently have the passwords to here (known) email accounts (which she has never hid from me). I did a brief check and didn't come up with anything so she must be using an account I don't know about.
She will have a hidden account maybe even a second phone, she may even be using a company computer . Do not believe a word she says , waywards lie .
Take that OM out pronto , the sooner he is exposed the sooner your wife will feel isolated Posted via Mobile Device
Now your wife has a problem , if you are unable to break this affair you will have to expose this to the company for using company assets to conduct an affair. Posted via Mobile Device
Now your wife has a problem , if you are unable to break this affair you will have to expose this to the company for using company assets to conduct an affair. Posted via Mobile Device
Is that a little drastic at this point? The problem is that I don't know anything about that computer.
Is that a little drastic at this point? The problem is that I don't know anything about that computer.
It is drastic and not required as yet , what you will learn is your wife is likely to take this underground and this may be one of your final options Posted via Mobile Device
Wife is have an long distance EA 
