I started thinking about this one. I see quite a few posts where it is alleged that the betryed husband was negelcetful or unevolved in terms of emotions or communication skills, and that is the justification put forth by some women who cheat.
Then, I started looking at the posts here by men.In general, I saw articulate, thoughtful guys who really were motivated to keep their spouses happy. Not Neanderthals yelling "Honey, get me a beer. Da Bears on on."
Then, I started thinking about all the male artists, poets, authors, philosophers and how well represented men are in these areas.
I was reading a book, one of two e-books, by Michelle Langley on "Women's Infidelity". Her first book, essentially, explained the reason women often cheat. In a nutshell, she feels they are socialized to beleive that if they feel attraction to a man other than their husband, they mistake it for love more frequently and attribute the attraction to not loving their husbands.
She goes on to talk about the testosterone balance increasing vs estrogen as women age and their increased attraction to other men as a result.
The second book, however, takes a look at these allegations by women cheaters that they were neglected, tried to communicate their dissatisfaction to their husbands, and it fell on deaf ears.
She also looked at this allegation that men were poorer communicators and had less need for emotional closeness.
She found, surprisingly, that the betrayed men she interviewed were , by and large, excellent communicators, often beeter than their wives, verbally.
She also found that the women, in fact, had not effectively communicated their dissatisfaction to the husband, and that they had a high expectation of clairvoyance. Thye had expressed some minimal dissatisfaction, but not to the extent that anyone would know that cheating was on the horizon.
As I said, the male posters here, if anything, seem every bit as communicative, thoughtful and available for intimacy as the women. Yet, we even hear the men subscribing to this notion that they were deficient in these areas.
I wonder if, like many stereotypes, this procalmation that men are like this has not been so oft repeated that it goes unexamined.
If anything, my guy friends are every bit as thoughtful as my female ones. And, many of us were college jocks, although we were at schools with high academic standards and majored in things other than basket weaving.
But, our conversations do not center on boxscores or carbeurators etc.
I don't think the jerk men would not come on a site like this. The men on this site are the type to want to talk it out, or else they wouldn't be here.
Most of the posts I see about cheating (men or women writers) talk about their lack of intimacy (either sexually or emotionally...which can be the same in one, but not always).
Your wife cheated, what did she say was the reason?
There does seem to be at least a standard male response to blame themselves first for being a crappy husband as the reason for their wife cheating.
There seem to be very few women who approach it like that. Seldom do you read a post from BW stating she was at fault for years of neglect which drove her WS to cheat. Posted via Mobile Device
She said she felt emotionally neglected. Of course with taking care of two toddlers , one severly disabled, all alone most nights(she was ot 112 out of 180 nights to after 1 a.m. for the 6 months I tracked), I may have been a little too tired to listen to her self centered jibberish. I was working full time, too.
She needed "connection" and try as I might, I could not give it to her. However, the many men she met in bars and had sex with must have been emotionally connected to her.Thye were fast learners, as she would have sex with them right away.
The stereotype needs to be shattered,
your observations I believe are dead on!
although there is in all probability a large population of neanderthals, from what i have seen in my short time here is as you said, quite articulate caring men,
at the very least in these cases the excuses by the wife for the affair is in my opinion a big pile of @#$%.
that may be one of the hardest things in my getting past this is it was me, long before the EA that had wanted to make things better, get closer, be more intimate but thanks to "law & order" and "Farmville", she just didn't seem to have the time....
Me, too. I was begging for Marriage counseling. She would have none of it. I tried everything I knew to support my wife. Her time out was alleged to be to "journalize" re her family of orign problems. So, I subsidized her tie off so she could grapple with those issues.I learned that her grappling was with other bodies, some women,some men.
I know of very few guys that have been through this who do not, eventually, realize that they were, in fact, trying to reach out to their wives. Thier efforts were futile.
There seem to be very few women who approach it like that. Seldom do you read a post from BW stating she was at fault for years of neglect which drove her WS to cheat. Posted via Mobile Device
Very true Shaggy, but funny enough i was surprised in a couple of the many conversations my wife and i have had since DD, she has said that she needs to "take care of her husband" like she should,
just hoping its not in the context of a hitman to be with the OM
Me, too. I was begging for Marriage counseling. She would have none of it. I tried everything I knew to support my wife. Her time out was alleged to be to "journalize" re her family of origin problems. So, I subsidized her tie off so she could grapple with those issues.I learned that her grappling was with other bodies, some women,some men.
I know of very few guys that have been through this who do not, eventually, realize that they were, in fact, trying to reach out to their wives. Thier efforts were futile.
I'm sorry it went down like that.
Lots of affairs...were you suspicious or did it just hit you like a ton of bricks? (I'm sorry, i truly don't know your backstory.)
Did she ever try talking to you about it? Before it all went to hell??
Not a peep. Had she, I would have tried to fix it. Just got mad, went silent,and became more abusive.
Once, toward the end, she woke me at 2 in the morning to give me a detailed description of the guy's physique. Pretty sadistic.
Her siter , finally, came to me and implored me to divorce her, and volunteered to testify in court re who was the real primary caregiver to our boys.
She aslo told me "Arnold, as you marched down the aisle with my siter, I turned to John(her husband) and said,""""I hope this poor guy knows what he is getting into""".
It was nice to have her support.
Lots of affairs...were you suspicious or did it just hit you like a ton of bricks? (I'm sorry, i truly don't know your backstory.)
This was pre-internet, That Girl, and i was very ineperienced.She was my first real girlfriend, the only person I had slept with. I had no clue she would do this, although she had told me that she had an affair with a married man before we met.
I was a kid, though, and beleived she would be different with me. Some hubris, some naivete.
The Common Justification for Women Cheating 
.Thye were fast learners, as she would have sex with them right away.
Did she ever try talking to you about it? Before it all went to hell??
