Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help! - Page 3
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree137Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-10-2011, 01:28 PM   #31 (permalink)
Lon
Member
 
Lon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 5,852
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

The point of waiting and investigating is to learn the full extent so that you can get past the inevitable trickle truth. And by full extent I don't mean did he penetrate, I mean how often, where, how, nasty details that no man wants to hear about his W with OM but NEEDS to know if he wants to have any chance to save his marriage. In certain jurisdictions it may also be helpful if this goes to divorce court in order for him to protect himself. But I agree that if there is smoke don't sit and allow the embers to flare up again, time isn't really on your side, if she is about to meet with OM then he must be proactive about confronting her, he just needs to have the best shot at killing her EA and getting her out of the fog, and to not buy into the trickle truth, blame-shifting and gaslighting she will keep doing.
Lon is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-10-2011, 01:54 PM   #32 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 74
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Hey Guys.....I understand the point of confronting her then and there, but like Lon said, I need to know the full extent so she won't gaslight me or trickle truth the situation. This is a one shot deal for me! Basically I moved out here to be with her, so my own family support system is on the other side of the country, so help from the (financial or otherwise) family would be close to non-existent. I want to have the evidence in black and white (and maybe some color pics) so that I can proceed calmly with the plan. Also in addition to gathering evidence I need to find out about the OM and his situation because if he is married or LTR then the OMW will need to know as well(exposure). This will take some time to get the money together because I don't have 300-$600 laying around to give to a PI to find out all of this stuff. I have read on this site too many times where guys move too fast to confront, get trickle truth'd to death, and in up in a worse emotional state then when the whole thing started. Plus she's a proud and stubborn woman (daddy's girl) who will omit details to save face, but I am really close to her dad and if I have the evidence to show him why I kicked his daughter out of the house, then it saves me from more drama than what this is already going to cause. I'm not trying to do the whole he said/she said with everyone in the church and family. My ideal response will be,"She has made a decision to not be a wife and I am moving on. If you want to question my decision I have evidence to back up my side." that way I can be done and not have to explain everything to everyone. I have gotten the 1st VAR, and will be getting the 2nd next week. The keylogger will be on her laptop by Saturday afternoon, I'm trying to move as fast as I can, but I just found out on Monday.....geesh.....
EHuntIMF is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-10-2011, 02:32 PM   #33 (permalink)
Lon
Member
 
Lon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 5,852
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

EHIMF, yeah do take a little time to put together a strategy, make sure you have enough but also know that you will never get ALL the answers, even months/years down the road. It mostly just has to be enough irrefutable stuff to throw at her if she starts minimizing it. So when you are otherwise ready to confront, don't let some missing piece of the puzzle keep you from doing what you need to do - there is always blank spaces to fill in just make sure that she isn't the one to fill those in for you. As to her father, I wouldn't just give over the evidence to him, just tell him the summary of what you know and tell him that you have hard evidence that supports it all - seeing the details of his daughters affair is not going to get him in your corner more than he is, it'll just upset him and remove him from the equation.
Lon is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 01:50 AM   #34 (permalink)
TRy
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,643
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
Hey Guys.....I understand the point of confronting her then and there, but like Lon said, I need to know the full extent so she won't gaslight me or trickle truth the situation.
What difference does it make if she gaslights you? She knows that she is cheating and lying about it. You know that she is cheating and lying about it. Why is it important to you that she admit it to you and agree that you have a right to act? You do not need her permission to to acknowledge what you know to be true.

Gaslighting only matters if you value her opinion over your own. Dude, you saw the images with your own eyes. Although she has conditioned you otherwise, your opinion matters. And in this case it should be the only one that does.
TRy is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 03:09 AM   #35 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 139
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TRy View Post
What difference does it make if she gaslights you? She knows that she is cheating and lying about it. You know that she is cheating and lying about it. Why is it important to you that she admit it to you and agree that you have a right to act? You do not need her permission to to acknowledge what you know to be true.

Gaslighting only matters if you value her opinion over your own. Dude, you saw the images with your own eyes. Although she has conditioned you otherwise, your opinion matters. And in this case it should be the only one that does.
He'd still be in a much stronger position if he had firm evidence. He doesn't, and if he is able to get it, he should.
Sindo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 03:21 AM   #36 (permalink)
TRy
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,643
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sindo View Post
He'd still be in a much stronger position if he had firm evidence. He doesn't, and if he is able to get it, he should.
Much stronger position to who? It does not matter to his wife because even if she does not admit it she knows that she is in the wrong. It does not matter to a divorce judge who cheated on who when granting a divorce. So who is this mythical person that he needs this evidence for? The only one that needs to be convinced is him. Once he saw the pictures, it does not matter that she deleted them, because "he" already saw them and he is the only one that needed to be convinced that they existed for him to act.

The fact of the matter is that standing by and gathering more evidence for others as you know that your wife is cheating on you, servers no real purpose other than to avoid an unpleasant confrontation.

Last edited by TRy; 11-11-2011 at 03:30 AM.
TRy is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 08:06 AM   #37 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,248
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TRy View Post

The fact of the matter is that standing by and gathering more evidence for others as you know that your wife is cheating on you, servers no real purpose other than to avoid an unpleasant confrontation.
Certainly it does.

If wanting reconciliation you must first get your spouse to admit the infidelity and show remorse.

They don`t usually do this unless confronted with serious objective evidence.

It also enables the BS to "Go Nuclear" if he/she wishes to shock & awe the WS out of the fog.

I know if my wife were cheating the road to recovery would be long, hard, and filled with gaslighting and trickle truth if I called her on a few texts.
If I used those texts as a starting point to get embarrassing emails, voice recording, and tracking info of where she was then served her with divorce papers & informed the Om`s wife before ever even mentioned I had a clue it`d hit her like a ton of bricks.

She`s much more likely to be pliable and her affair would have been severely damaged if not destroyed.

She`d be hanging by a thread and she`d know it.

She`d have to be compliant or lose everything.

Last edited by tacoma; 11-11-2011 at 08:11 AM.
tacoma is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 09:20 AM   #38 (permalink)
TRy
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,643
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
Certainly it does.

If wanting reconciliation you must first get your spouse to admit the infidelity and show remorse.

They don`t usually do this unless confronted with serious objective evidence.

It also enables the BS to "Go Nuclear" if he/she wishes to shock & awe the WS out of the fog.

I know if my wife were cheating the road to recovery would be long, hard, and filled with gaslighting and trickle truth if I called her on a few texts.
If I used those texts as a starting point to get embarrassing emails, voice recording, and tracking info of where she was then served her with divorce papers & informed the Om`s wife before ever even mentioned I had a clue it`d hit her like a ton of bricks.

She`s much more likely to be pliable and her affair would have been severely damaged if not destroyed.

She`d be hanging by a thread and she`d know it.

She`d have to be compliant or lose everything.
So the evidence is for the wife. Here is the problem with that. The longer you let the affair go, the stronger that it gets and the less likely that she will want to break it off when you do confront.

You say that the evidence will allow you to go "Go Nuclear" so that you can "shock & awe the WS out of the fog". Well guess what. He can do that now. Again, he saw the pictures and so did she. If he goes nuclear, although she will lie to his face, she will know that he must have seen the pictures and will know why he went nuke on her. In fact by going nuke on her without showing her everything that he knows, she will not know exactly what he knows, only that he knows enough and may assume that he knows more than he does. There will be the same "shock & awe" but with her having less time invested in the affair.

Sitting back and allowing the OM even more time to cheat with your wife as you gather evidence for your wife that she already knows about makes no sense. The fact that she will know that you were so beta that you actually did this, will work against you in getting her back from the OM. Stop think only what she thinks matters. Act on what you know because what you think matters too.

Last edited by TRy; 11-11-2011 at 09:35 AM.
TRy is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 09:42 AM   #39 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,248
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

We'll have to agree to disagree.

I've seen what works nd what doesn't and the course you advocate usually drags out the trickle and actually allows the affair to go on longer.
Posted via Mobile Device
tacoma is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 11:19 AM   #40 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 74
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Right now its an EA, but I am not one to rush into this situation lightly or haphazardly. I understand your reasoning behind confronting now and "you know what you know", however there are other matters that are connected as well. My position if confronting now would be nothing more than he said/she said and would make any already tense living situation worse. Also, why the hell should I allow the OM to sleep peacefully, and carry-on with his life with no consequences?!?! I will continue on this path that has been set before me and I will leave this whole situation with honor and my dignity intact (Thanks SHAM) i do not want to have any regrets or shoulda/coulda/woulda thoughts when all of this comes out. Yes, the more time passes the stronger the EA gets, but you have to realize that my WS is going to lose more than what she bargained for when her little 20% fantasy comes crashing down and there is no one there to help or support her. TRY- I just don't want to confront her.....I want to destroy any avenue or possibility of her lying to herself, or anyone else about the real cause of the break-up of our marriage. When everything is in black and white, you may be able to lie to yourself, but the whole world will know who you really are.
EHuntIMF is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 11:32 AM   #41 (permalink)
TRy
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,643
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
Yes, the more time passes the stronger the EA gets, but you have to realize that my WS is going to lose more than what she bargained for when her little 20% fantasy comes crashing down and there is no one there to help or support her.
If getting back at her is the only goal, then continue.
TRy is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 11:36 AM   #42 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Intermountain West
Posts: 936
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

In my humble view of the world - I see the pros and cons of both what TRy and Tacoma are saying.

I have the type of personality that tries to take the approach that takes both pros and cons into account.

While it would be nice to "hit her with a ton of bricks" evidence and yet also prevent the amount of time it takes to let this EA evolve deeper, I favor the hybrid approach.

You have a direct conv with your wife and list all the things you do know, with how you view these in respect to your marital boundaries and let her know what the consequences of those are.

Sure, she will (maybe) gaslight, blameshift, and push the EA deeper underground - but if there is truly any hope for the marriage that she may still harbor - this might also give her a beacon of light to come out of the fog.

She needs to see strong and dependable right now - this isn't an invitation to rug sweep. This is an invitation to reverse the train wreck. You let her know how much you value her and the marriage, but at the same time, let her know that you respect yourself and her too much to allow this to continue and that you are available for her to reveal her thoughts, plans, etc without yelling or criticism and try to develop an action plan to reverse the EA course.

Explain to her some of the dynamics you've learned about men and women and marriage. There's a lot of stuff we've been taught and incorrectly lead to believe regarding the roles of the sexes in marriage. What you tell her, while initially being resisted, will strike a chord somewhere and she'll begin to develop the confidence in you as a man who will protect her and provide her with her needs.

This is important. And then leave the door open to her to come back to open up as she gets her head around things. She might ask for space, for separation. Explain to her that it doesn't work like she imagined it would.

the only separation you will tolerate in the marriage is the complete dissolution of the marriage. If she needs to leave for a few days, she does it on her dime.

I have found not only as an employee and a manager that people crave and need feedback in relationships but realized that this is necessary as a husband and a father. This type of feedback builds on emotional intimacy (which often feeds their escape / affair fantasies) and builds confidence in the security of the marriage.

Strength, clarity, love, dependability, protection. I think these are the traits that our women want and need.
Dadof3 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 11:51 AM   #43 (permalink)
Member
 
lordmayhem's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: USA All The Way
Posts: 4,717
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
Right now its an EA, but I am not one to rush into this situation lightly or haphazardly. I understand your reasoning behind confronting now and "you know what you know", however there are other matters that are connected as well. My position if confronting now would be nothing more than he said/she said and would make any already tense living situation worse. Also, why the hell should I allow the OM to sleep peacefully, and carry-on with his life with no consequences?!?! I will continue on this path that has been set before me and I will leave this whole situation with honor and my dignity intact (Thanks SHAM) i do not want to have any regrets or shoulda/coulda/woulda thoughts when all of this comes out. Yes, the more time passes the stronger the EA gets, but you have to realize that my WS is going to lose more than what she bargained for when her little 20% fantasy comes crashing down and there is no one there to help or support her. TRY- I just don't want to confront her.....I want to destroy any avenue or possibility of her lying to herself, or anyone else about the real cause of the break-up of our marriage. When everything is in black and white, you may be able to lie to yourself, but the whole world will know who you really are.
Alright Ethan, then your mission is, should you choose to accept it, is to gather the necessary intelligence about your WW and her OM for the confrontation.

The upside is that if your WW is guarding her phone, then THAT is the affair phone and she hasn't gone to a disposable one. IF your WW is using AT&T or T-Mobile, or any other service that uses a SIM card, there is the possibility of getting a SIM card reader, because even deleted texts are stored on there. However, you have to find the right one and there are mixed reviews on the net on the different ones, so this is no guarantee. If your WWs phone is using Verizon or any other CDMA service, then sorry, but your SOL on that. You are authorized to utilize whatever means at your disposal to accomplish this mission.

Your secondary tools will be the computer monitoring software and VARs. Hide the VARs in strategic locations where she is likely to be talking or texting OM.

If you are discovered, we here at TAM will disavow all knowledge of you. This tape will self destruct in 10 seconds....

Last edited by lordmayhem; 11-11-2011 at 11:55 AM.
lordmayhem is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 11:52 AM   #44 (permalink)
Member
 
Almostrecovered's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: SEPA
Posts: 8,905
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

I think time of confrontation sometimes depends on the BS, some simply aren't savvy or strong enough to confront without hard evidence (not trying to cast aspersions on anyone in particular since I was one in this group at one point) and simply paint themselves into a bad corner where the affair then goes underground
__________________
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Newbies please read this
My story
Almostrecovered is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-11-2011, 12:27 PM   #45 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

I can only speak from personal experience, but I tried several "soft" confrontations before getting all the evidence I needed...wouldn't say it did harm, but it certainly dragged out the situation for longer than it should've. I needed that hard evidence because I loved my W and my marriage, and didn't think I'd be able to live with the decision to drop the bomb on it without knowing for sure that I was maiking an informed decision. For example - she had explicit pics on her phone. There were pics sent to OM. But EHunt, despite the overwhelming probability (or certainty) that the explicit pics were sent to OM, he doesn't KNOW that for sure. I needed to know. I think lots of people would need to know. Some don't. That's cool too. Handling a situation like this in a manner you won't be comfortable with when looking back in the future is something many people think about.

Who cares if she gaslights? EHunt does! I did. My W was darn good at it, and she did turn me around a few times (insert beta comment here - I know)...EHunt wants to avoid this, especially since he's stated his W is stubborn, proud and I'm guessing very smart. Doesn't make him beta to know this - just means he is taking the whole picture in before blowing up and showing all his cards. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure, if he were more b*lls to the wall Alpha from the get-go, he would've pounced on it and crushed in a way that she respected...but as TAM can prove, many men find themselves beta-ized to a degree after years of marriage, and it's a learning process no matter who you are. (EHunt - not saying this describes you...it described me though when my SHTF...I don't think you can go all Alpha without laying the groundwork first, or you can come across as crazy. It's an artform that takes time to engrain into your personality before it's more natural).

If your W had a trip to MN planned, the clock would be ticking more than it is. Right now I actually do think time is on your side, but you certainly don't want to avoid it and see what happens a few weeks or months down the road. Gather, gather, gather. Then see a lawyer. Then lift some weights, get a good night's sleep and then confront her.

Have you called the OM's number from a payphone yet (preferably from a different area code than your W's number)? If you get his name you may be able to save a lot of PI money in finding out his situation. Have someone else call from a different area code if you want. Just try to get his VM greeting and get a name. Heck, maybe he even says his business info in the greeting. If you reach him personally, say "Is this Rob (or whatever name sounds good at the moment)? He might say no this is ___ (but prob not). Then "oops wrong number" and hang up. Try again some other time.

You're doing well...
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
wife ea

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife wants out but sending mix signals jj86gn Going Through Divorce or Separation 10 08-10-2012 11:00 AM
Fiance texting and sending topless pics to another man Needingsomeadvice Coping with Infidelity 67 10-16-2011 08:16 PM
Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away. PHRoG Coping with Infidelity 56 08-23-2011 10:09 AM
Wife sending me messsages through the kids? KRinOnt Going Through Divorce or Separation 26 04-23-2011 06:52 PM
This is a letter i am sending my wife GeoffH General Relationship Discussion 8 03-08-2010 09:14 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:09 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.