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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-11-2011, 01:35 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

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I can only speak from personal experience, but I tried several "soft" confrontations before getting all the evidence I needed...wouldn't say it did harm, but it certainly dragged out the situation for longer than it should've. I needed that hard evidence because I loved my W and my marriage, and didn't think I'd be able to live with the decision to drop the bomb on it without knowing for sure that I was maiking an informed decision. For example - she had explicit pics on her phone. There were pics sent to OM. But EHunt, despite the overwhelming probability (or certainty) that the explicit pics were sent to OM, he doesn't KNOW that for sure. I needed to know. I think lots of people would need to know. Some don't. That's cool too. Handling a situation like this in a manner you won't be comfortable with when looking back in the future is something many people think about.

Who cares if she gaslights? EHunt does! I did. My W was darn good at it, and she did turn me around a few times (insert beta comment here - I know)...EHunt wants to avoid this, especially since he's stated his W is stubborn, proud and I'm guessing very smart. Doesn't make him beta to know this - just means he is taking the whole picture in before blowing up and showing all his cards. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure, if he were more b*lls to the wall Alpha from the get-go, he would've pounced on it and crushed in a way that she respected...but as TAM can prove, many men find themselves beta-ized to a degree after years of marriage, and it's a learning process no matter who you are. (EHunt - not saying this describes you...it described me though when my SHTF...I don't think you can go all Alpha without laying the groundwork first, or you can come across as crazy. It's an artform that takes time to engrain into your personality before it's more natural).

If your W had a trip to MN planned, the clock would be ticking more than it is. Right now I actually do think time is on your side, but you certainly don't want to avoid it and see what happens a few weeks or months down the road. Gather, gather, gather. Then see a lawyer. Then lift some weights, get a good night's sleep and then confront her.

Have you called the OM's number from a payphone yet (preferably from a different area code than your W's number)? If you get his name you may be able to save a lot of PI money in finding out his situation. Have someone else call from a different area code if you want. Just try to get his VM greeting and get a name. Heck, maybe he even says his business info in the greeting. If you reach him personally, say "Is this Rob (or whatever name sounds good at the moment)? He might say no this is ___ (but prob not). Then "oops wrong number" and hang up. Try again some other time.

You're doing well...
Thanks everyone! I am trying to best I can, but this avenue of having a WS is new to me. The pics have shown me that this is a new level. Should I have been b*lls to the wall and pounced? Probably, I would then be left with several other issues to deal with that doesn't even include the WS. Sham you are right, if there was a trip planed to MN, then I would probably be more reckless and b*lls to the wall, but would it accomplish anything? I had to take this entire week and figure out if I wanted to still be in this marriage. If she meets certain requirements I have (post confrontation) then I would consider it, but the moment she trickle truths I'M OUT! That's the reason i am gathering, to see what is she going to do, regardless of how I am feeling right now this is a woman I spent almost 10 years of my life with. I moved across the country to be with her, so I believe that does give her a small chance at R, but what she does directly after the hammer drops will determine which path I take. Our financial situation is such that I couldn't effectively function without her (1 car in her name only). So I am also taking this time to see what my bills, taxes, and needs will be when we split. There are greater repercussions to consider as well that I have to consider (Separation before Dec 31st- Larger tax bill; $$$ for 2nd car to continue going to work, Payment of the house if she leaves, steps to maintain credit rating in case of separation must be followed as well.) Again, its only been 4 days (found pic on monday), but I am moving as fast as I can to put an end to all of this. VAR didn't turn up anything because she was in another room, but I know they talked for about 15 minutes, but I will have 2 more VAR's by next Friday. I will also be placing a keylogger on the laptop this weekend, and see what that brings up. Have patience with me, I am doing the best that I can. Good job Lordmayhem on the IMF reference
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Old 11-11-2011, 01:41 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

I'm sorry Mr. Hunt, I don't know what you're talking about.
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Old 11-11-2011, 02:32 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

I would like to suggest planning for how you will track her post DD and put that in place now. If she decides to leave and have some space how will you know where she is and what she is up to.

Think through the various things she might do and plan your response now instead of making it up then when things are flying.
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Old 11-11-2011, 03:01 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Thats the problem with separations, friend.

They get to do what they want, as you do too. It comes down to how well W and you honor your marriage vows.

For cheaters, it often gives them time to seal the deal / try out greener pastures. For the betrayed spouse - its misery. This is why doing 180 is important.

You can't control what she does / goes. You can only establish your boundary and consequences for her violating such. You have to think right now what happens if she leaves and sows her wild oats and wants to come back. This is why, in my opinion, this needs to be a frank and honest discussion when this option comes up with consequences laid out.
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Old 11-11-2011, 03:55 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

I have planned for that.....More than likely she'll go to her mothers house to stay, but I have already decided that if she wants to leave the house I'm not going to stop her.....Divorce will be the next step with a hard core 180, no R possible. Before she makes that decision when the hammer falls, I give her 2 choices :1. Stay, NC with the OM, full transparency (w/ keylogger to verify without her knowledge), and heavy lifting on her part to convince me she is capable of having a chance at R, or 2. Leave and try to run away from the damage she has caused and/or run to the OM, then D is full on without stopping, R is not an option.

The reason for the D being on without stopping is that if she makes the decision to leave, then to me she doesn't want to be married and take responsibility for her actions, and therefore to me the marriage at its present state must be symbolically killed off. If there is hope for R, then it would have to be under the premise of a new relationship being built from the ground up.

I have already installed a GPS on the car, but I have also entertained the notion of when she decides to run away, I call the OM and have him come pick her up (because I figure if he is going to enjoy 20%, he might as well come get the other 80% and I would help her pack)

too much???
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Old 11-11-2011, 03:59 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Mr Hunt - I wish I could give you a great big KISS! (JK)

Wow. Powerful plan. I think I...... LIKE IT!
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Old 11-11-2011, 05:11 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Powerful plan indeed. Here is a man who has his s*** together.

And absolutely, (once again just my opinion) if she says she wants to leave or divorce, immediately and without hesitation agree with her 100%, that will have the most powerful effect on her view of you...that you will not be toyed with or trampled. When my stbxw first said the words separation and divorce, I was prepared for it (because let's face it, once that sense is out there in a relationship it's a strong likelihood anyway) and said something like "Okay, if that's what you want, don't let me stand in your way"...she then backed down and said she needed more time to think. I went out and got a lawyer (though I didn't want to). If she wants to R, you'll know it soon enough. If not, ditto.

Good luck Ethan, know how hard this all is right now.
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Old 11-11-2011, 06:12 PM   #53 (permalink)
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I like it. If I could add one thing, put the OM on speed dial, for if you need to call him.
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Old 11-11-2011, 06:17 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

I know you`re busy Hunt but I don`t want you to forget to use some resources on finding out anything and everything you can about the OM.
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Old 11-12-2011, 01:16 PM   #55 (permalink)
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UGH!!!!! I need to get the 2nd and 3rd VAR STAT! She was on the phone with the OM at 1AM (over an hour) and was texting him until 3AM (Sent 2 pics during that time) didn't find out until this morning checking the phone records. She was always on the phone with him when I had to go to work this morning. I planted the VAR in the car and she's off to her friends house. When she was getting to ready to leave (after I checked the phone records) and asked her "Are we ok?" and she said,"We are working on it." I then asked, "Is there anyone else? (emotionally, physically) and she said no, but the way she said it was not definitive. Even though I knew the answer, I wanted to see if she would own up to her s**t and she failed in an epic way! If she would had done a better job on her facial expressions, I might have believed her (NOT!) Oh well, I guess I will just have to get the hammer ready sooner than later! I'M DONE WITH THIS BS, but I'm going to be smart about this and leave with all dignity intact! IMF is active!
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Old 11-12-2011, 02:03 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Do you honestly think that your wife would put up with the amount of humiliation and disrespect from you if the roles had been reversed? If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.
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Old 11-12-2011, 02:20 PM   #57 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Yesterday, at 09:19 AM you stated:
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Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
TRY- I just don't want to confront her.....I want to destroy any avenue or possibility of her lying to herself, or anyone else about the real cause of the break-up of our marriage.
Today, at 11:16 AM you stated:
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Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
I'M DONE WITH THIS BS, but I'm going to be smart about this and leave with all dignity intact! IMF is active!
It took you just a little over 24 hours to find your balls. After reading other threads on this board, I find that rather impressive. Welcome back to being you.
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Old 11-13-2011, 09:36 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Question for the Group: What feelings do you experience when you find out information about the OM and you feel you are the better option overall (ex. job, looks, values, character)

Found out some info about the OM and right now honestly, I'm not feeling anything.....
When looking at the stats between us (OM and Myself) I come out on top in every category....so there is a bit of confusion about her choice.

Any inputs, advice, or suggestions (Besides the obvious kick her out and let her see how dumb of a choice she made yada yada yada....I get that one. That is firmly my first choice as well!)
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Old 11-13-2011, 10:11 PM   #59 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
Question for the Group: What feelings do you experience when you find out information about the OM and you feel you are the better option overall (ex. job, looks, values, character)

Found out some info about the OM and right now honestly, I'm not feeling anything.....
When looking at the stats between us (OM and Myself) I come out on top in every category....so there is a bit of confusion about her choice.

Any inputs, advice, or suggestions (Besides the obvious kick her out and let her see how dumb of a choice she made yada yada yada....I get that one. That is firmly my first choice as well!)
For what it's worth, she is having an EA with him, so he comes out on top to her at the moment. Because she's in the fantasy she minimizes your good qualities and magnifies all of his, no matter how inadequate he is. He does something for her that excites her, but it's not based in reality. Of course at some point she'll realize this, but right now it's a thrill for her to get this kind of attention from someone new...it's wrong and she knows it. But it's her drug at the moment, and it will shock her when you take it away from her.

I really hope she fesses up to the fullest extent when you decide to confront her...either way, she'll be upset, and may try to make you feel small and wrong for prying and finding out the details of her indiscretions.

Maybe try not to stew on the fantasy, because it only makes sense to her. Just be the better man in your daily life. If she comes around and truly and remorsefully lays all her cards on the table for R, rock on. If not, you're still the better man.
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Old 11-13-2011, 11:25 PM   #60 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help!

your wife obviously has a different rating system than you. would be good if you found out what areas have a higher rating than what you would rate as best.

doesn't make her behavior right, but might help you figure out areas that are important to her, if for some weird reason that R is in the cards.
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