I can only speak from personal experience, but I tried several "soft" confrontations before getting all the evidence I needed...wouldn't say it did harm, but it certainly dragged out the situation for longer than it should've. I needed that hard evidence because I loved my W and my marriage, and didn't think I'd be able to live with the decision to drop the bomb on it without knowing for sure that I was maiking an informed decision. For example - she had explicit pics on her phone. There were pics sent to OM. But EHunt, despite the overwhelming probability (or certainty) that the explicit pics were sent to OM, he doesn't KNOW that for sure. I needed to know. I think lots of people would need to know. Some don't. That's cool too. Handling a situation like this in a manner you won't be comfortable with when looking back in the future is something many people think about.
Who cares if she gaslights? EHunt does! I did. My W was darn good at it, and she did turn me around a few times (insert beta comment here - I know)...EHunt wants to avoid this, especially since he's stated his W is stubborn, proud and I'm guessing very smart. Doesn't make him beta to know this - just means he is taking the whole picture in before blowing up and showing all his cards. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure, if he were more b*lls to the wall Alpha from the get-go, he would've pounced on it and crushed in a way that she respected...but as TAM can prove, many men find themselves beta-ized to a degree after years of marriage, and it's a learning process no matter who you are. (EHunt - not saying this describes you...it described me though when my SHTF...I don't think you can go all Alpha without laying the groundwork first, or you can come across as crazy. It's an artform that takes time to engrain into your personality before it's more natural).
If your W had a trip to MN planned, the clock would be ticking more than it is. Right now I actually do think time is on your side, but you certainly don't want to avoid it and see what happens a few weeks or months down the road. Gather, gather, gather. Then see a lawyer. Then lift some weights, get a good night's sleep and then confront her.
Have you called the OM's number from a payphone yet (preferably from a different area code than your W's number)? If you get his name you may be able to save a lot of PI money in finding out his situation. Have someone else call from a different area code if you want. Just try to get his VM greeting and get a name. Heck, maybe he even says his business info in the greeting. If you reach him personally, say "Is this Rob (or whatever name sounds good at the moment)? He might say no this is ___ (but prob not). Then "oops wrong number" and hang up. Try again some other time.
You're doing well...
Thanks everyone! I am trying to best I can, but this avenue of having a WS is new to me. The pics have shown me that this is a new level. Should I have been b*lls to the wall and pounced? Probably, I would then be left with several other issues to deal with that doesn't even include the WS. Sham you are right, if there was a trip planed to MN, then I would probably be more reckless and b*lls to the wall, but would it accomplish anything? I had to take this entire week and figure out if I wanted to still be in this marriage. If she meets certain requirements I have (post confrontation) then I would consider it, but the moment she trickle truths I'M OUT! That's the reason i am gathering, to see what is she going to do, regardless of how I am feeling right now this is a woman I spent almost 10 years of my life with. I moved across the country to be with her, so I believe that does give her a small chance at R, but what she does directly after the hammer drops will determine which path I take. Our financial situation is such that I couldn't effectively function without her (1 car in her name only). So I am also taking this time to see what my bills, taxes, and needs will be when we split. There are greater repercussions to consider as well that I have to consider (Separation before Dec 31st- Larger tax bill; $$$ for 2nd car to continue going to work, Payment of the house if she leaves, steps to maintain credit rating in case of separation must be followed as well.) Again, its only been 4 days (found pic on monday), but I am moving as fast as I can to put an end to all of this. VAR didn't turn up anything because she was in another room, but I know they talked for about 15 minutes, but I will have 2 more VAR's by next Friday. I will also be placing a keylogger on the laptop this weekend, and see what that brings up. Have patience with me, I am doing the best that I can. Good job Lordmayhem on the IMF reference