TRy

Stop *****footing around. Tell her that you want complete access and transparency and let her know that it is a 2 way street and that you will give her the same. In light of all that has happened, this only makes sense. If she does not agree, then you know that you have a real problem and should act accordingly.

After reading these forums I discussed such a rule with my wife. Since we were already doing this as an unwritten fact but not as an actual rule, she readily agreed. I did not suspect anything when I asked, and her easy yes only confirmed that there was nothing going on. Openness and transparency is a good thing for all marriages. I recommend that everyone do this before there is a problem since it is much easier to do.

CktBridge

If you need access to her accounts(as long as she has not used windows account encryption) using a Linux (Ubuntu is a popular one) live boot CD allows you to bypass all windows security. You can look at, copy to external hard drive or just about anything else without a trace left on the computer.

If you need an admin account password or just a temporary admin account created use UBCD for Windows
It only partially works for Windows 7 but if the laptop is older this is a good option.

You do need the BIOS on the computer set to boot from a CD/DVD before the hard drive also...

Good luck.

Deepdivered

hoping for an update
Posted via Mobile Device

EHuntIMF

Posted via Mobile Device

MrK

Is that good or bad news?

Shaggy

Hunt - I can't help but think that no news isn't good news!

EHuntIMF

Sorry for the blank update yesterday. Phone wiped everything out before I had a chance to send. So here we are take 2: Really Really long

To give a quick update leading to today: I held off on confronting the wife about the phone calls on the phone records until I was able to get on her phone or laptop; both attempts were unsuccessfully. She went on a girls spa getaway 2 weekends ago and took her laptop and while she was there got a new phone. She was calling the guy at 3am during the days she was away. she even called the guy the night she came back when I was down stairs cooking and another time after we left her parents for christmas dinner and I went to bed early. I waited until after the holidays for 3 reasons, The PI I hired for a background check would not be available until after christmas didn't want to spoil the christmas get together with family and plus I am this week to give myself time to recover which brings us to Monday morning.

I had to take an hour to calm myself and check the phone records one last time, when I noticed the last phone call. I calmly asked her about the specific phone number, and
-she said "its just one of my guildees" (she plays World of Warcraft)
I proceed to question her about the time she was calling,

ME- "at 3AM you two are talking?"
wife-"well I just woke up in the middle of the night and we talked."
ME- " Over several nights???" Really? What's going on?

The gates started to open and she proceeded to tell me his name and that he does like her. I press her and she reveals to me that "I do care for him" and " I feel sorry for the guy because he is lonely" I also asked about the nature of their phone convos and she admitted that some were sexually and that she didn't tell him that she was married (red flag?). I wanted to blow a gasket, but kept it together.

When I asked how long this has been going on, she states that it had gotten to this level in the past couple of months, but they had met online a few months prior to that (place in the august-sept. timeframe), but that he is TOTALLY separate from the problems we have been having (she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech on Oct 21st hmmmmm....)

She has stated that he is always available and gives her affection, (well considering the guy doesn't have a job and lives at home with his mom, I guess he does have more time than me: I'm going to school, and working). She stated that she loves me (typical right?) and doesn't want to lose me, but she was interested in the unknown factor with him. she said."He has offered on several occasion to come out to our state because he family that lives about an hour away, but she has told him no. to try and keep it on an online basis." I thought B.S. in my head, but let her run her mouth to see what else she would spew. She made statements that the online affair and gaming were like an addiction......which I agree....and she said "I know I'm probably going to have to go without a phone and laptop for awhile, which honestly is freaking me out a lot right now!" I didn't give any type of answer to avoid giving anything or making any decisions during this stressful time.

I asked " Do you even want to be married?" She said "I don't know right now to be honest" I responded, "well how about this.....if you honestly think this (OM's name) is better for you, I will personally fly him out here, pack up all this sh** in this house in a uhaul truck and you and him can go move to Minnesota and let me go!" She was stunned by that remark and said "Would you really let me go like that?" I said "Yes, because I will be fine without you." She was crying and saying she was a bad person who screwed up and I don't know how we'll get through this. I proceeded to go into the other bedroom and put on my clothes to go to the gym. I told her "you have some decisions to make, if you want to go, then say so, and we can get the paperwork started, but you can NOT have both me and him." I added, " You need to tell him everything and for you 2 to cut off ALL contact immediately if you plan on staying here." She climbed into bed and asked me "Do you hate me?" I said, "no, but I am angry and I do have the right to be angry!" She asked another question "Do you want to hurt me?" I responded " I will not put my hands on you no matter the offence" she then asked me to lay down with her and I said," I'm not ready." and got up and went to the gym. Called my mom for support and when I got to the gym, my wife had called. I ignored the phone call for about 10 minutes ( I know should have been longer) and called her back....she was crying and saying she needed me there and I kept it short without emotion and said, "I will be home when I am finished" (4 hours later I went home)

I get home around 5pm or so, and go into the room where she is laying down and grab my towel for the shower. Neither of us spoke to one another; I hop into the shower and she proceeds to get into the car (we only have the 1 car) and leaves to go to her parents house (she called them when I left for the gym) Her dad calls me up an hour later and ask if he can come up to talk (she a daddy's girl) I said "sure" and waited for him with the phone records printed.

FIL came to the house and we talked about the situation. She had told him about what she had done, but left off how serious things were, but I filled him in on the details when he asked. He didn't know how many times she was talking to the OM and that she had feelings for him. He wanted to help, but really couldn't identify that you can have feelings for someone you have never met (he's 71, so computers are a bit strange to him) Wife came home in the middle of our convo, and gave him a kiss and barely acknowledge me and went upstairs to the bedroom. The FIL and I finished our talk about an hour later and basically I just kept busy for the rest of the night. Wife must have been stressed because when I went to the car later that night, it smelled of cigarettes ( I don't smoke, but she used to) Sure enough there was a reciept from the gas station for some gum and cigarettes and it smelled like she had more than 1.

This is were I broke down and need some help: I was reading the site and others trying to mentally prepare myself for the 180, Plan A / Plan B, but I went upstairs to catch some sleep (its around 1:30am) and when I laid down she proceeded to roll towards me and say she was sorry for everything she caused. I replied," Babe, I'm hurting right now and you are too....I love you and I can't turn that off like a switch, but I'm going to need some time. She said "ok" and went back to sleep.

This morning (Tuesday) I got up and sat on the edge of the bed going through yesterday's events and honestly feeling like a damn fool. She asked me "what did I do now?" I said," nothing, just trying to deal with these insecurities." (D'oh) she asked me" Do you want to separate for awhile?" I said," I am not going to make any major decisions until I get though my feelings right now." She didn't respond but just got up got into the shower, came out got dressed and went to work. It almost seemed as if she couldn't wait to get out of the house and away from me. (should I worry?)

She also just called about 1 hour ago and sounded sad and said "I feel so alone right now", and she also stated " I just want all of this to be over....I just want my life to be over" I tried to calm her down, but I ended up saying that if you need to talk, I'm here for you.

What has been wrong in my responses? What do I do at this point? I don't want to see her hurting, but I also want her to at least appear to want to make things right with me. What's the timeline for healing and what steps do I need to take from this point on? Thanks for your help and patience with this....

aug

She has to go through her "hurting" so she can decide what she wants.

But she was living 2 separate lifes. And now both have come clashing together, and she'll have to decide what she wants.

As for you, you'll need to decide a fundamental question: do you want to stay with her or not? The question is simple enough, but the factors around it are many as you probably already know.

Eli-Zor

Take the phone and laptop away. Call his parents and tell them he is a predator and trying to break up your marriage. Your wife's head will only start to clear if they have permanent no contact . Whatever happens do not leave the house , if anyone goes she does. Lock your finances down, protect yourself it is rare for a wayward to suddenly stop and there is a strong likelyhood she will leave to go to him. If she does file.
Posted via Mobile Device

ArmyofJuan

This is PERFECT. Most WS think you can't live without them and this burst their bubbles.


I wouldn't worry, she is most likely trying to give you space because she thinks that's what you want. She is afraid of doing/saying the wrong things around you so she is pulling back and seeing what you are going to do.


Don't be too quick to reassure her, she needs to be afraid of losing you and stay at that state for a while. She needs to be motivated to convince you that she is worth keeping.

You did most things right, just don't try to read into what she is doing because you will be wrong more times than not.

What she did was wrong and disrespectful, she needs to earn her way back to you and that means she is going to have to go through some pain, just like you are right now. Change doesn't happen overnight so let her stew for a while so it sinks in.

Stick with the 180 but understand its going to take months to resolve and just like her feelings will change, so will yours.

Shaggy

Here's the plan that seems to work the best:

1. Don't try to make her feel better or minimize the hurt she has inflicted.

2. Do tell her your requirements: She ends it completely and forever with OM now. Now in a few days, not after she has time to think about her...NOW. If not now then you WILL file.

#2 is not a threat. It is you saying she must respect you enough to choose the marriage, or you will take the only action that is left and that is to finish ending the marriage she has already left.

It sounds like she is wanting to keep the OM relationship alive,and she wants you to accept it and to give her time to continue in her affair. - Do not accept this. It only enables the affair, this time with your blessing.

3. She will give you full and complete access to the laptop and phone. Now, and each time you ask to see it.


The 180 is about you detaching from the situation and building yourself as an independent health person. It is the right thing here.

But part of dealing with the affair, is to tell her your non-negotiable terms, and then act if she will not accept them. Like any contract, if the other side won't follow the rule, you end the contract.

When a thief breaks in and steal your things, you don't wait at home for him to return the stolen goods. Nope! You call the cops, you file a report,you lock the doors, and you find replacements for what he stole.

Dadof3

One: Kudos on how you handled the heart-to-heart.

Two: A few more things - No more WOW for her either, not ever, and, if she wants "separation" - its to "experiment" with the other relationship - not end it.

This is why Divorce is paramount unless she is willing to do the heavy lifting, go no contact, etc. Do not tolerate a separation, unless you do in fact file for divorce - then don't turn back. You deserve better.

EHuntIMF

ok, so i am trying to do the 180. should i tell her how i feel when she ask? the reason for the question is that today she called me from work....she asked"how are you feeling?" i said,"not well, i am dealing with my feelings, i don`t feel secure, and i don`t feel so hot. i am heading to the gym." she sounded really depressed and said"well i`m sorry for calling you, i will see you when you pick me up." was that the right response or did i blow the 180?
Posted via Mobile Device

Eli-Zor

Be careful of how you apply the 180, if she is recommitting to the marriage, prepare to go NC on this guy then you flex the 180 for your requirements. Run incorrectly the 180 can force a breakup in your marriage.

Stating your feelings at this stage is not a problem, use this time to work on yourself and improve yourself.
Posted via Mobile Device

Shaggy

I'm getting confused - is OM out of the picture or not?