kitkat1

I'm new to this post. I've given my input a few times but never told my story....out loud anyways...I'm feeling really scared, insecure and unsure and need some advice.

My husband and I have been married for 9 years - 2nd marriage for both of us. He has a 14 year old daughter who lives with us and I have a 14 year old son who lives with us. The marriage has been rocky at times, trust issues here and there but mostly due to finance stresses from him being unemployed off and on for the past 2 years. He found a job through a buddy who works for an oil company in another state earning more then he could have here. He flew out 8 weeks ago to go and check it out and interview and ended up staying there for 7 weeks - came home for a week - then back for the past 2 weeks. The schedule is 14 days on and 6 days off. We decided we would fly him back and forth because it's in a small town in another state that really doesn't have much to offer me and the kids. I have a really good job here and the kids are settled in high school, all of our family lives here, etc.. Moving is not an option right now.

The original deal was that this company puts the workers up in hotels while they are out in the field at various sites. Well that ended up not being true so he ended up staying at the guys house who told him to come there. There are 5-10 guys working for this company that stay there. His brother ended up going there as well and they bought a car to get them to/from the job site. Now there is talk about the house is too full so they may be getting an apartment to share. So all the things I was originally sold on have turned out not to be true. I feel like he is living this single life style while he's there and then comes home to me and the kids for his family life.

We talked about options and decided he would stick it out for 6 months then transfer somewhere closer to home where me and kids moving to would be more of an option.

I have access to his bank account, his cell phone records, his facebook, etc. I've never found anything strange or questionable but trust has been an issue in our marriage at times. He's a flirty type person, loves attention from women which has always bothered and worried me.

He's been really good about calling on his off time but for the past few days he didn't call and acted strange when he finally did end up calling me. There have been lots of visits to a diner recently sometimes 2x a day with charges over what it would be for 1 person having dinner at a diner. He said that sometimes he buys his brother dinner and sometimes they switch and he picks up the tab....okay sounds true enough.

I found out (because he gave me access to his ADP account) that he didn't work on Sunday night when he told me that he did. This was also coincidentally when he stopped calling and went dark for 2 days. I ended up calling him this morning having an insecure melt down - I told him his stories didn't add up....he said he was one place when he was in another town. I asked him again if he worked Sunday night and he said he did. I can't tell him that I looked at his time sheet becaues then he would really freak out. I don't have any hard facts just feeling really insecure about this whole crappy living situation. I'm supporting his daughter, paying for all of her meals and everything - holding the family down feeling like he is living this single life style over there. I pretty much accused him of cheating. He got really angry and told me that he was making sacrafices for the family, working 16 hour days and all I could do was call him accusing him of doing stupid things. He said he couldn't handle the pressure I was putting on him. He is flying home on Thursday (airfare paid for by me) on his week off to visit. He now says he is going to pack his stuff and move out because he says he can't live being accused of things he's not doing. I told him I was sorry and just having a bad day and feeling lonely and insecure and to please forgive me. He will not answer his phone or call me back now.

Part of me believes he is not as innocent as he is making himself out to be and part of me thinks I'm being immature and insecure accusing him in the first place.....how do I fix this or should I even try? I don't think our marriage has the foundation needed to survive a long distance marriage, and how do you work through insecure feelings and moments when the other person shuts down and runs away?

HerToo

He's moving out because you likely caught him. Talk to him when he gets home. You two are married and are supposed to be able to talk about anything without any secrets. Secrets create uncertainty and doubt.

Tell him to please help you prove that your thoughts are wrong, and that you would like nothing better than to be wrong in this situation, and that you'd love that outcome.

CandieGirl

Pack his stuff and move out? That's a little drastic, don't you think? I wonder if he's going to take his daughter with him, or if he's going to leave you holding the proverbial bag.

Her Too is right...by his reaction alone, it sounds like you caught him!

kitkat1

I highly doubt he will fly home and pack his bags and move out....he can be a very dramatic person. I think he is tired and cranky and that was how he responded to the drama I threw his way with an idle threat. I still have a bad feeling that something is off here or would be in time - like he did something or is in the process of doing something and I got close to catching him.

I'm tired and I don't want to be my husbands baby sitter - checking cell phone records, scanning time sheets, waiting for my world to collapse - that's not me and that's not the type of relationship I want.

There has been so many other things he's done....I feel like I've put so much into this marriage and made so many sacrafices for this man and his family. I know deep down he's not going to leave - who would handle all of his responsibilities for him.....me his doormat that's who. I think he believes that somehow he can have it all.....his single live in Pennsylvania and his married life here.....that's not going to work for me and I'm going to have to break that news to him.