Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-30-2008, 05:27 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
Unhappy Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

Hello all. I am a father of two boys and I have been married for 8 years. I am struggling right now staying sane. I feel my marriage is falling apart.

My problem started about 3 years ago when my wife had an affair. I suspected she was doing wrong and I caught her by using a phone recording device and I also caught her leaving the guys house the next morning. When I heard those phone conversations, I was crushed beyond belief. I confronted her and of course she blamed me for her affair and at that time I believed her. We eventually talked things over and stayed with the marriage and honestly things have been great since then. She has been very open and honest with me until about 3 months ago.

She started talking with a guy on myspace. I logged onto her myspace because she has never minded me knowing her password. I found that she was flirting with this guy on myspace. It wasn't anything too sexual but I still asked her about it and she said she wasn't flirting. That is when things got worse. Now she is changing her passwords and she does tell me what the new passwords are but the next day she changes them. I see she is online when the other guy is online. I ask her if she talks to him much and she says she doesn't. She will also only go on myspace when I am not around.

I asked her what is missing in our marriage, that she is needing to talk with other guys. She says nothing is wrong and then I ask if we can go to marriage consouling but she won't go. I feel in my gut that something is wrong. I have the same feeling as I did when she had the affair 3 years ago. I always feel suspicouos around her and IT IS DRIVING ME INSANE. We used to have sex about once per week and in the last 3 months we are lucky to have sex once per month. My self-esteem is shattered and I feel like I am falling into depression. I am going to see a doctor because I cannot take it anymore. She always asked my why I am cranky and depressed but she cannot see that she is the reason I am this way. Her not wanting to have sex with me is destroying my self-esteem and making me feel like there is something wrong with me.

WIth her being secretive about the myspace deal makes all those images of her affair come right back into my head. Please help.
bbdad23 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-30-2008, 05:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
sunflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 884
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

Myspace, Facebook all of those sites are bad if you are married you should have a joint account. I think that those sites bring nothing but problems you meet people you shouldnt and people from your past always come and bite you in the arss. I think that you need to tell her that you dont want her on it and that she should respect that if you did the same and she told you would you cancel the account?
sunflower is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-30-2008, 07:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,539
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

You don't need a doctor. You don't need a counselor. You need a divorce lawyer. I have rarely heard of a more inconsiderate wife. She seems to actually get pleasure from tormenting you. Your health is not worth this. i would get with a lawyer ASAP. She hasn't changed at all. And if she is screwing you. Shes screwing some one. Why are you always cranky. When she comes out and say that do you ever say "Its because I don't like the cheating **** you are".

I can see that you are in major pain. You need to curb her. You think this kind of example of marriage and your depression are going to be good for your kids? I can tell you it isn't. As I have shared here before. I remember getting up in the morning with my brother and running to my mom's bedroom to look under the door and see the guys feet running across the floor to the closet. I was 5 my brother was 6. I will be 50 in June. And yes it has effected me in my relationships. Do you want that for your children.

If after getting busted 3 years ago screwing some guy. And now she is chat rooms talking with guys. Just what do you think she is arranging?
Initfortheduration is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 06:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 69
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

I agree with Init. It just doesn't seem like your wife has any regards for your feelings. My wife met her lover on facebook. If your wife is on myspace and she is "flirting" with another guy it's just the start. Soon they make plans to meet. Everything starts off innocently but there are a lot of screwed up people out there that use facebook or myspace as a way to solve their marital problems. Rather than talking to their spouse and committing to the vows they took, they seek out old boyfriends who are soothsayers. It's real easy for an internet boyfriend to make all kinds of promises and be idolized by your wife because it's not reality. Your wife has some type of problem, there is something missing and it might not even be something that you can give her. She may have self esteem issues or some type of hang-up. These kinds of things can't be corrected by you, she has to understand what she is doing and why, realize it is wrong and try to get help. Unfortunately your wife, just like mine, is too selfish right now to get that concept.

My prayers are with you man. I would say try to seperate from her as a start. At least you will have some piece of mind and be away fro her.
mclovin is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 08:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 564
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

Any spouse who has a secret life isn't commited to a marriage. Myspace, facebook, text messaging are all ways of hiding things from your spouse. She should be doing nothing she needs to hide from you, if she is you are headed for trouble.
I have a problem with the suggestion of separation. My wife asked me several times to move out for a while, I would never do it. All that would have done was give her the freedom to see her lover more and get me out of our home which she wanted to keep.
In this age of electronic communication it has become easy for weak willed people to create a fantasy life. Then they think their real life is horrid, and as a spouse you become the monster that makes it horrid. I'm sure she will argue about a joint password, she will tell you you need to trust her and you have no right to read what her and her friends talk about. I would agree with that if she wasn't a cheater. When she cheated she gave up her right to privacy(in certain areas) for a long time, if she can't except that then she hasn't changed and isn't commited to your marriage. She really has no choice here, to stay married she needs to hide nothing from you, if she isn't willing, I say cut her loose.

Cooper
Cooper is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 09:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 69
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

I'm not saying for him the leave the house and seperate. I'm saying she should leave. Let reality hit her. The reality of her staying if she is not willing to honor his requests is that she will only hurt him more by doing this stuff while living with him.

I mean it's torture. I go through it everyday and finally my wife will be moving out. I'm sure it will give her freedom to some extent but at least you don't have to deal with being the object of resentment and hurt.

I just know it's hard to let your wife go, but really, is it worth trying and trying and just getting no result. Then having to see the person everyday knowing they are doing stuff behind your back and hurting you more? Just my opinion. It took me 4 months to get to the point that I still care about my wife, but she has to move out for my sanity.
mclovin is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 12:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

I have been there...it is so hard when you've been slapped with the shock of infidelity and then dealing with the love you still feel for the person.
My ex also cheated. Come to find out he had many different email accounts which helped him in his "endeavor". He would continue to lie about everything in regards to his actions, as most cheaters do. They do it in hiding to avoid getting caught, plus I think they also enjoy or get a rush out of the whole "badness" of it.
The thing is you cannot make her stop. From what I've found, cheaters don't usually just cheat once. They will continue unless they really want to change. If she will not go to counceling, maybe a trial separation is in order? You cannot and should not stay around when she cannot follow her vows/commitment she made to you.
mommanic08 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 02:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

Wow. Honestly I didn't expect all these comments. Some are a little harsh but perhaps I am in denial. I think the thing that most upsets me is the possibility of divorce. Yes I have thought about but divorce seems so overwhelming. You sit there and thank about your kids, the house, all the junk you have to deal with. The fear of being alone when it is all over.

There is nothing nice about divorce especially when you tear your kids home apart. WHy are people so damn selfish? I am 32, 6 foot 190 lbs and I keep in shape. I have a good career and a college degree (if that means anything). I do a majority of the cooking and we split the cleaning evenly. The kids have alot of activities and I take them to all of them. I take the youngest to school everyday and pick him up from daycare because the wife works retail. I feel like my wife has it pretty damn lucky.

I feel I go above and beyond a typical husband stereotype and I have always been affectionate to my wife. With all that being said, why am I cursed???

Maybe the only reason I have not filed for divorce is becuase I am being lazy?

To answer some of you questions. Yes, if I told my wife to get the hell off myspace, then if she agreed than I would be more than happy to delete mine. The only reason I use the damn thing is to monitor her activity.

SOmebody asked my why I am cranky? Obviously my gut tells me there is something wrong with my marriage and two, I am 32 and still have a very high sex drive. My wife is very attractive but is not in supermodel shape but she does still get me aroused. Then when she withholds sex from me than I withdraw from her and become cranky. She always has an excuse. Too tired, have a head ache, we just did it 2 nights ago (even though it was a week ago and she gets pissed at me when I remind her). I don't expect for us to have sex everyday and I have communicated to here that 1 or 2 times per week would be fine. She seems to enjoy sex when we have it but I feel like the moons have to align a certain direction before I can get lucky.

I agree with you all about the myspace and facebook deal. It is no place for married people unless you have a completely open and honest relationship and her changing her passwords everyother day is just fueling the fire.
bbdad23 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 02:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 471
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

Have you considered joint marriage counseling? Do you think she would go?
__________________
To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
StrongEnough is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 02:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,539
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

bbdad23,

Yes a lot of the posts are from people who have been cheated on themselves. So the anger comes out.

I don't know if you understand this about women. When a woman has an affair she often slows or ceases sex with her husband. Why? This is going to hurt. Because they feel guilty about cheating on the man they are having an affair with. If you had a normal sex life till she cheated the first time. And it changed 3 months ago. She is probably having another affair. I am so sorry for you. You need to take action this time. You are entitled to a partner who loves you and only you.
Initfortheduration is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 02:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

Here is low down on marriage counseling. When she had her affair 3 years ago, she went to a phyciatrist and was diagnosed with depression. SHe never knew really what caused her depression but I would bet it was post pardum depression.

I have asked her to go to couple therapy but she doesn't want to because she thinks they will say she is crazy and two she says we don't need it even though I expressed my concerns about our marriage.
bbdad23 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 02:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 471
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

So what exactly do you want? Do you want the marriage to work or do you want out? I get the feel that you want it to work, but doubt it will.
__________________
To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
StrongEnough is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 02:53 PM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

You are probably right. I would like it to work but doubt it will and I am probably just delaying the inevitable.
bbdad23 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 02:55 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 471
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

You can't make her want to be with you, but you can be the best you possible. I would focus on yourself and individual counseling and go from there.
__________________
To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
StrongEnough is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2008, 03:03 PM   #15 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
Default Re: Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive

I agree STONG ENOUGH, I have an appointment with a phyciatrist on Monday which is huge deal for me. I think that the doc will help me over my ruined self-esteem that my wife has created and help me get over my blues. I am afraid if I don't get help for myself than I would worth a damn to any future women.
bbdad23 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Can Marriage Survive an Affair? DrDavidCOlsen Articles 6 09-05-2014 10:16 PM
Can a marriage survive without trust or forgiveness? itskaren Coping with Infidelity 26 11-29-2012 03:35 PM
WW struggling with my own trust issues... ButterflyFree Coping with Infidelity 2 10-24-2011 03:24 PM
How does my marriage survive this?? AngrynScared The Ladies' Lounge 2 02-08-2010 10:00 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:25 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.