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Unsure How to Proceed

23K views 94 replies 36 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
So, almost exactly a year ago I found out that my wife had had an affair with someone from work. It was more emotional than physical I believe, but they did end up on a bed making out until my wife stopped it. It was the third time they were together, the first they kissed, the second it went a little further and the third they ended up in a bed. (I have been able to fact check this with the help of the guys wife.) After I found out, I lost control of myself, up until then I had always considered myself a great husband and father. I am a stay-at-home dad and this is what I prided myself in. Do to the circumstances we are in, it was almost impossible to move out with my kids and so I stayed. Well, I turned to drinking (please for the love of God, don't follow in my footsteps) and for about 8 months I went on one hell of a bender. It affected my work (stay-at-home dad) and in the span of a year I could no longer say I was either a good husband or a good father. I quit the heavy drinking, but have yet to have focused on myself.

In a few months we will be moving and I am hoping that a change of scenery gets me out of my funk. I know I am not happy right now, but like most stay-at-home spouses, I have put my life into being the family man while putting my personal growth on the side and up until a year ago I was perfectly fine with this. Now I have no direction in my life. I can't honestly say with certainty that I love my wife anymore and it kills me. Just this last weekend she went on a girl's vacation and I felt happier with her gone. With that being said, if we could make this work I know my life would be happier getting to be with my kids all of the time instead of having to split them up and missing birthdays and Christmases. Part of me wants to stay because even though I am no longer as happy as I was, I know life could be worse. I figure the longer I stay, then maybe things will get back to normal. I've always heard that it takes two years to get back to normal after both parties decide to work on fixing the marriage. If I give it that much time though, I will be pushing 40 and the thought of having to start over terrifies me. Every time I have looked into what it is like dating now and it's just overwhelming. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice from people who have been in this situation would be great. The end goal is to be happy and still married of course, but I believe the secondary goal is to be married before being happy for my kid's sake. (I know, I know staying married for kids is not a great idea, but at the same time, both my wife and I are very loving in front of them.)
 
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#2 ·
Your life will not be better staying. Ever. Look at your 8 month bender as proof. The once a year events, that have less significance as they get older, are not even close to being worth your happiness. I have no idea whether your wife is telling the truth or the marriage is salvageable. I am telling you, without hesitation, your life will be infinitely better leaving than staying if the marriage is failed. Stay on good terms with your wife. Be able to even share time if you don't want to miss stuff. Just get out if that is what you have to do. Get alimony get a job and move on.
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#5 ·
I have no idea whether your wife is telling the truth or the marriage is salvageable.
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I am pretty sure I know the whole truth. The other guy's wife and I were able to get the truth by bouncing what they were saying off of each other. How it stopped and why was one of the things that we asked each of them.

My wife and I have been able to, and because of our personalities will be able to, keep things very civil and friendly. We've had talks of separation and divorce and she was okay with the idea of paying alimony and child support with me getting custody of the kids.

I just don't know about throwing away everything we had/have/and will have for what amounts to a tremendous mistake. I considered myself extremely lucky to have found my wife because not only is she beautiful, but she is (and I still think this after everything) the nicest person I have ever met in my life. She thinks about everyone before herself. She screwed up and she screwed up bad and she knows it. I really do feel that if it was just that things might be okay, but with my drinking bender, I was a horrible person. I never would have thought I was capable of doing the things I did. It never turned physical, but looking back, I definitely emotionally abused her. It's hard for me to imagine that between the two things (her cheating and my emotional abuse) that we could make it work even though we both say we want to.
 
#3 ·
Right off, my man, I've identified the problem that caused your wife to seek out other men.

"I am a stay-at-home dad and this is what I prided myself in."

Do you know how many stay at home dads get cheated on? Most of them. I've said before if you want the female's love and respect while she hunts and you hang around the den, you need to be a lion.
Now you tell us you've become a drunk. How much bull**** do you think a woman will tolerate before completely losing all respect and love for you.
But its a little late for any advice. If your wife had a requisite amount of love and respect left, she would have never went to bed with this guy. (and if both you and his wife believe they didn't have sex, stay out of Vagas. You'll get cleaned out). But since ya'll are moving, at least she's keeping you around as a babysitter while her needs a likely being met, or will be met, elsewhere.
There may be a 1% chance you can restore your marriage, and I'm probably overly optimistic but it would, among other things, require you to take off the apron and get a job. Use the money to hire a friggin babysitter or maybe allow her to stay home if she desires.
I know its a awful sacrifice for you SAHDs, but look at it like this, if she boots your azz out your probably going to have to get off you azz and go to work anyway.
Other than that, I'm highly sympathetic to the plight of SAHDs. You can probably tell.
 
#4 ·
Girls vacation?

She destroys the marriage and she goes on a girls vacation? I brother she has no respect for you.

Your first mistake was choosing to be a SAHD all those years ago. Women have been conditioned by thousands of years of social evolution to be supported by the male. I don't know how she sucked you into this arrangement but it is the main reason she cheated on you. She has no respect for you.

Get a job or go back to school. That is the first thing you need to do. Stop whining about how scared you are. Forty is better than fifty. Get cracking.

Oh, and they did have sex. Many times. Many many times. Cheaters always lie. You know in your gut she did.
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#6 ·
Bandit is on the money.

Girls vacation? How did she earn that?

And if she admitted to kissing, well it went a lot further than that.

The guy's wife know what her H told her. And I'm sure he never lies to his W.

And your wife. Do you really believe her? Really?
 
#8 ·
My wife and I have been able to, and because of our personalities will be able to, keep things very civil and friendly. We've had talks of separation and divorce and she was okay with the idea of paying alimony and child support with me getting custody of the kids.


I really think you need to get a job or go to school, you need to make yourself attractive to your wife again, are you not wanting to work?
How old are the kids, school age?
You really need to get up and do something for yourself, outside of being home all day.
 
#10 ·
I do go to school and am within a year of getting my degree. I had no issues being a stay-at-home dad and I don't believe like many have said that she lost respect for me because of it. My youngest starts school next August and that has been the plan all along. It wasn't just a financial issue. It was having one of us at home to raise our kids.

The reason for me choosing to be the stay-at-home dad was that it made more sense for me to leave my job than it did for her, and for the most part this has been very true.
 
#12 ·
If you want my $0.02, get a job. Anything. Work from home, work part time, whatever you can do. If you had training or a profession before the kids came along, dust it off, update it, and see if you can spin it into work you can do while staying with the kids. Put your earnings into an account solely in your name. If you decide to leave, you'll need the money. If you stay, you can use it for a vacation or the kids college or something.

Working will help give you additional purpose, direction, and feelings of accomplishment beyond the role of husband and father. Working will keep you at least somewhat in touch with the world out there beyond the kids and household. You may even get to speak in full sentences to other adults regularly! Besides, kids don't stay little forever and you'll want to be able to say you've worked in some capacity and kept your skills updated when the kiddies are older and you return to the workforce. Which you'll want to do either for financial reasons, to keep from going insane with boredom, or both.

Take up a new hobby. Something "silly" or "odd" like learning to play an instrument for the first time or teaching yourself how to do leaded glass.

If you aren't fit or could use some improvement, start working out. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant.

Doing something productive seperate from being dad and maintaining the household will help restore your confidence and sense of self. You may find yourself better able to deal with the infidelity and reconciling once you are more fulfilled and feeling better about you personally and your life as a whole.
 
#15 ·
This is great advice. I don't understand, are you telling me that people in the world talk in complete sentences? I've already moved money that I receive monthly from our joint account into an account I opened in case of separation. I've recently started "working" on my myself and working out (more than just running) was the first thing I did. I've also started taking little photography trips without my oldest (she likes to go with me) to get some alone time. I have already started looking for jobs for when we move.
 
#16 ·
This has been one of my big concerns. I do trust her not to repeat. We have come up with rules to prevent it from happening. She set the rule that basically when she does have to go out for business she becomes a recluse. I know this sounds cliche, but it was almost a perfect storm of things that happened that led her down that road. I'm not passing the blame from her, she is 100% to blame and should have handled things differently.
 
#28 ·
mtftp,

with all due respect to some of the advice given, if you really want to work things out with her, then give it your very best effort.

if you believe your wife didn't have sex with the other guy, then believe it 100%. don't entertain anymore any thoughts that she is not telling you everything. it will just eat you up from the inside. any effort in recovering will be hampered by doubts.

MAKE THE DECISION - if you decide to stay and give your marriage another shot, go for it and stick with that decision. don't linger and think of anything else anymore. the longer you stay in "limbo", the longer your agony and confusion will be, and the bigger chance your marriage will eventually not work out.

have a serious talk about what happened, and find out the contributing factors that lead her to the point of having an affair. yes, the decision to have that affair is 100% on her (she alone made that wrong choice), but the circumstances within your marriage before the affair is 50 / 50. that is where you should jointly work together - resolving the issues in your marriage before the affair.

BUT both of you have individuall issues to deal with at the same time. your drinking, lack of direction, out of focus, etc. fix it ASAP. FIX YOURSELF. with regards to being a stay-at-home dad, i think there's nothing wrong with that. it's not easy taking care of your kids and house personally. BUT i agree - get a job for yourself. this is for your own security "just in case".

with regards to her personal issues, she alone can fix them. nobody can make or prevent her from doing anything if she decides to do it.

based on your story, i think your marriage still has a shot. just be more aware of the "red flags".

IF in an unfortunate turn of events she does it again (affair) - END THE MARRIAGE. period.
 
#31 ·
Thank you for your advice, I really know that I need to choose one way or the other and just put everything into that decision. As soon as we move I am going to get a job and I have finally started working on improving myself. We have talked quite a bit about resolving problems that we had before the affair. I have no issues being a stay-at-home dad despite what people will say. I will happily take having a great relationship with my kids if it works for our family.

I do understand why some people are quick to say once a cheater or to say she is clearly lying in what she told you, but I also know my situation and in this situation it is not the case. If I was really worried about it happening again, her girl's weekend wouldn't have happened. I just struggle with getting past it happening.

I was aware of the red flags, but chose to ignore them. That was my mistake and it definitely won't happen again.

As for it happening again, she knows that there is no second chance. I would be gone before she would be able to finish telling me.
 
#33 ·
I am sorry you are going through this. It has been rough on all of you it sounds like. If you want to stay, consider doing things to specifically rekindle your love and nurture it and help it to grow. If there is still some there, it can grow again. It really can be worth it. You both need to give it a 100% though.

I'm assuming she feels terrible for what she did? Sounds like you do too. Has she cut all ties with her AP? If you both have decided to forgive and move on, really put your hearts and effort into it. Start to date her again. Focus in your mind on all the reasons you had fallen in love in the first place.

I also agree that it takes a long time, and with the drinking reaction time factored in, it may take you both a little longer. This is something that you can overcome and salvage your marriage and family if you both want that.

You would most likely benefit from MC and or IC.

I genuinely hope you can make it work. The option to divorce will still be there, as will the overwhelming dating scene. You don't want to look back and think "I should have tried harder."

I wish you all the best.
 
#34 ·
I just got caught up on all the other replies (I fell asleep last night before I hit "Submit" on my post, and I wasn't very far in).

Of course she can be telling the truth about how far it went. It sounds like her conscience wouldn't let her have sex with him. There are plenty of decent people who get caught up in very bad things.

I totally see the side of that she could have lied about how far it went and they could have collaborated stories. Also, she could have not let it get that far, and stopped it when it was going to happen...
 
#38 ·
I am a bit confused.

How did you find out about the affair? How long was it before you found out?

If she told you about it, or if the OM told his wife, then they have had ample time to communicate and come up with a story together. If they were in bed together sans clothing, there was a hell of a lot more to it than just kissing.

If she has said she will be OK with you divorcing, you getting 100% custody and paying you alimony, then something is very wrong with this woman. I understand that a cheating wife who has zero respect for her husband would be OK with divorce and possible alimony, but voluntarily giving up custody of her children does not sound right.
 
#39 ·
I understand that a cheating wife who has zero respect for her husband would be OK with divorce and possible alimony, but voluntarily giving up custody of her children does not sound right.
Don't be surprised if MT comes back with, "found out her affair has been physical for months and they met up while she was on vacation". We've run into the SAHD multiple times and it ain't pretty.
 
#41 ·
The problem is your a stay at home dad, that has offered no consequences of whatsoever for her infedelity.

First off she should have been made to leave the job, second of all you allow her to go on a girls weekend? That ship should have been sunk the moment she cheated. How do you know she went away with the girls? Even if she did its about offering up consequences and this would be a consequence of her infedility.

Do you realise how weak you sound when you state i didn't leave cause i rely on her for finances.

Visit a lawyer find out your rights and start making an exit plan. You will probably be entitled to spousal maintenance and child support thereby putting you in a greater financial situation than you are now.

As a previous poster stated be a Lion not a domesticated wimp.
 
#44 ·
Getting the degree and your own career is paramount to future relationships, or this current one if it can be salvaged. Women may disagree publicly with this but I've read the results of two different studies and both overwhelmingly concluded that women don't respect stay at home dads. When you assume the matriarch role in the relationship, they see you as a weak partner and will subconsciously start looking at "stronger" males as potential partners. It doesn't mean they'll cheat, it does mean they'll look, even if they're not aware they're doing it. Divorce rate for stay at home dads is almost double the normal rate.
 
#46 ·
I don't understand how she could be emotionally connected to you AND her children and "be fine" with paying spousal support, child support and giving up primary custody. Are you exggertiting?

On bed and just kissing but she stopped it? Like "everything but sex" this means nudity, kissing, extreme petting, oral sex, everthimg but PIV or PIA.

Your response was to engage in heavy drinking. How did she cope with this?
 
#47 ·
OP,

Curious how your sex life was with your WW before D-day ? Often a WW will stop having sex with their BH during an A, or just give some infrequent duty sex.

If she was still having sex with you during the time of her A, then you need to get tested for STD's, because most likely she was having sex with the POSOM.
 
#48 ·
At this point most posters are of the view there is a lot more then you know and your marriage is dead. But that might not be true. You need to share more info and learn more about marriage in general and infidelity in detail. What are triggers? What is regret vs remorse. What are boundaries? What is trickle truth? What is the roller coaster? At this point the only sure thing we know is your marriage is in crissis and if not addressed you will divorce.

To start: How was your intimacy level before this trip? What has your interaction between the two of you since then? Your drinking is it under control? How much despair and damage has it caused?
 
#49 ·
You have your cheating wife on a pedestal and don't want to knock her off it. You think she's beautiful, the best looking girl you'll be able to get, I mean, you're almost 40, so what hot chick will want to bang an old fart, right? Especially a guy who's annual salary is $0.

She isn't into you. You are only into her because you don't want change.

Get a job and work towards becoming independent. Like everyone is saying, your W has no respect for you.

What consequences did you give her for the affair? The saying around here is you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. That's what needs to happen.

I pay $450/month for my 4 year old to go to pre-school 5 days a week at our local public elementary school. You can do the same until kindergarten. They get to learn all kinds of skills and will be far ahead of the kids that stayed home with their parents for their first 4 years of life.

I'm also curious on how frequent the sex was in the last 5 years. How's it been since the affair?
 
#54 ·
Its the nature of the beast Spicy. Men, and especially the more alpha men, don't have a lot of patients with self elected SAHDs whining about how their wives are out running around and they don't want to change their lifestyle to stop it. Personally, I've known too many slugs in my life that choose the light lifting while expecting the women do the work.
 
#51 ·
MTFTP, sorry that you are here. Here are my thoughts:


I am more concerned at your apparent naivety than anything else. Either there is more to this than you have said or you are very naive.

Your only reason for believing her story is because … and wait for this … HER STORY MATCHES THAT OF THE POS SHE CHEATED WITH !!!!! Are you serious ? You cannot be this naive surely ?!?!?

What grown up starts kissing and messing around and then ends up in bed (presumably naked) but doesn't have sex ?!?!?

You need to start dealing with your issues and they are mainly that you cannot see what is staring you in the face. While it may be endearing in some circles to be this naive, in a marriage where there is infidelity, this is lethal!

If what you have said is accurate, then not only has she slept with this guy, but she knows that she can do it again anytime in the future with anyone else without any real consequences.

And she will get better and better at concealing it and manipulating you into taking care of the kids while she takes care of getting her rocks off!!!!

You really need to stop believing her and start taking control of your life.

How did you discover the affair ?
 
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#58 ·
This thread shows what a lot of men really think about being a SAH-mother.

Telling @MTFTP to get off his butt and "get a job".

He has a job; looking after his home and kids. {I can hear the snickers and see the eyerolling; that's woman's work, it "doesn't count"}

^^^And that attitude, fellas, is why you got feminism

Careers and money and the power are the only things that "count".


---------------------------------------------------------

MTFTP, I think it was great that you stayed at home with your kids. The only way I would have thought it was "wrong", would have been if you put your family in financial hardship because of it.

Or, your wife had to come home, and do the laundry and fix dinner.

Barring that, you haven't done anything wrong.

If she has cheated, if you can't remain married to her; make sure you take her for every cent you can get in alimony and child support.

If she really is willing to give up her children and give you full support (am I understanding that correctly?); I would think that she is having a full blown affair, or is planning to. What normally adjusted person would give up their kids like that?


And, you might want to get tested for STD's. Then again in 6 months. Don't have unprotected sex with her again. Tell her why.

I wish you the best of luck with going forward with your education and related career. There are professional resume writing services that can present your fathering and domestic managing skills to their best advantage.

Men have always been butlers, footmen, valets, chefs/cooks, schoolteachers, taxi-drivers and owned and operated laundromats.

It's only when these tasks and skills are performed at home for "free" ( and historically by women), that they are seen to be a lesser contribution.


One sad thing that seems to be evident; equal rights are not here. Women can go out in the work force and try to get the money, career standing and status that used to be the province of men. That's an achievement---to be "as good as a man".

But if men try to take the traditional domestic role; they're seen as shirkers and deadbeats. That's a descent----that's as "bad as being a woman."


I don't think your wife cheated on you (about a 90% chance she did, I would say)---because of her ancient cavewoman DNA, or whatever.

I think she did it because she's faithless and thought that because you were financially dependent at home; there wasn't a damm thing that you were gonna do about it.

Take good care of yourself and your kids.
 
#61 ·
Every time its a SAHD, we hear all the same rhetoric. Its easy to forget that the overwhelming amount of men who come here with cheating wives were either the sole providers for their families (i.e., SAHM) or it was a situation where both spouses were working, and the wife still cheated, usually with someone at work.

Like MattMatt said Cheater cheat because they are cheaters.
 
#59 ·
Anyone who thinks she cheated on him because he was a stay at home dad is mistaken.

She cheated on him because she is a cheater.


Otherwise you would say: "Oh, she cheated on you because you are a Doctor, a bus driver, a cheese maker, a machinist, a writer, a..."

Cheaters cheat because they want to. Not because of their spouse's role in life.
 
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