What demands and or protective steps should I take as such moving forward?
Here are my thoughts
1. Sell or rent the house (prefer to sell it). Move away from current area.
2. Sell her vehicle and replace it with something else with the money she gets from the sale
3. Continue counseling wherever we are
4. Make an effort with our individual relationships with God
5. Be connected/transparent and/or be able to talk about why we are or are not connected
6. Not be mediocre/miserable
7. Start our relationship over in a lot of ways
8. No consideration of children for at least 3 years - maybe more. I'm thinking about getting snipped in the mean time (these are reversible from what I understand). I don't want kids until our relationship is something worth keeping.
#6 is more of a reflection that will take place at time intervals in the future. If we are miserable a year from now I will not stick with it.
What else should I demand? I'm perfectly fine with demanding something that is obviously there for my protection. Should I consider a post nup or some kind of contract if she screws up? I've made it very clear that any future mistakes in this realm will not be a question - I already have my decision made. This is her last chance.
I know we have a ton of work to do. I'm not going to blindly pretend that it will work - there is a chance if we both put the effort in.
I haven't read any of your prior posts, so I have no idea what your situation is.
I wanted to applaud #8. So often, people think a child will bring the couple closer. I'm glad you're smarter than that.
My husband and I just concluded our reconciliation attempts. After a 3-month separation, we lasted nearly 4 months together again and split last week again.
After that raving review of my expertise, I just want to tell you this will be one of the most difficult things you & your wife will do. Open communication is the key and a willingness to set pride & ego aside to accept your part of the breakdown.
Easier said than done.
But, my #1 piece of advice is that you & your wife diligently attempt to SEE each other the entire time. Be aware of her. Notice when she seems 'off' and ask her about it. If you're upset about something, talk to her about it. Ask her to hear you. DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF EACH OTHER OR IT WILL NOT WORK.
I wish you all the luck in the world and will follow your progress with interest.
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
I haven't read any of your prior posts, so I have no idea what your situation is.
I wanted to applaud #8. So often, people think a child will bring the couple closer. I'm glad you're smarter than that.
My husband and I just concluded our reconciliation attempts. After a 3-month separation, we lasted nearly 4 months together again and split last week again.
After that raving review of my expertise, I just want to tell you this will be one of the most difficult things you & your wife will do. Open communication is the key and a willingness to set pride & ego aside to accept your part of the breakdown.
Easier said than done.
But, my #1 piece of advice is that you & your wife diligently attempt to SEE each other the entire time. Be aware of her. Notice when she seems 'off' and ask her about it. If you're upset about something, talk to her about it. Ask her to hear you. DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF EACH OTHER OR IT WILL NOT WORK.
I wish you all the luck in the world and will follow your progress with interest.
Yeah I travel for my work some and we are planning on relocating to a less travel location to be near each other more.
My story in a nutshell:
July I found pics on phone and she admits to an EA + some touching. I have huge suspicions she is lying. We start MC.... fast forward 3 months and I check her phone records and find out she's still talking to OM. I confront, she admits to a full blown PA for the last 10 months, I separate and leave for the weekend. I come back and we talk and agree to try to make it work. I think she's telling the truth now, but she's still doing some trickle truth.
The next week I find her texts with OM for the last 2 months. This really hurts me because there is no filter and I feel like she has been trivializing the entire thing and still lying. I have a window in to their relationship now. At this point I am pretty set on divorce. After finding their texts the whole affair is now hitting me in a real place. Prior to them, I think I was in denial and it wasn't really impacting me how I expected it would.
The last week has been miserable and I have been seeking, praying and trying to justify my feelings/what I think is right versus what my logic is telling me.
I'm at the point now where I have nothing left to lose but time, and I think it is worth the risk of wasting another 6 months to give her a chance to prove that she has and will continue to change.
One thing I've realized over our short sine-wave: if I am not spending any time with her there is no way it will ever work. You can't actively do anything by yourself in a marriage.
That ended up being longer than I wanted!
Oh yeah, I found the OM's GF last week and told her. That was good advice from this forum.
I just went thru your other thread and just realized that your WW had been using her iPhone as her affair tool. Did you ever get into the backup logs? If you ever got her iTunes password, were you able to inspect the backup logs? Even if emails and messages were deleted, you could still get at them using programs like iPhone Backup Extractor
I just went thru your other thread and just realized that your WW had been using her iPhone as her affair tool. Did you ever get into the backup logs? If you ever got her iTunes password, were you able to inspect the backup logs? Even if emails and messages were deleted, you could still get at them using programs like iPhone Backup Extractor
I did, yes. I refuse to pay for software like that so I ended up going through the sqlite databases myself. That's what led me to check her phone records (not sure why I didn't before).
I didn't find any "hidden" files that were previously on the phone. I know she took some pictures and deleted them that didn't show up in the iphone backups.
I did, yes. I refuse to pay for software like that so I ended up going through the sqlite databases myself. That's what led me to check her phone records (not sure why I didn't before).
I didn't find any "hidden" files that were previously on the phone. I know she took some pictures and deleted them that didn't show up in the iphone backups.
That's good. Then you're reasonably sure there is no more TT that will set you back in R.
Update: We've been trying to reconcile for about 2 months now I guess (a bit more). We are still seeing a counselor fairly regularly - it was once a week now it's once every other week.
Things have been ok.
Good:
1. We are communicating more and better - or at least realizing and able to talk about when we aren't communicating well.
2. Sex is better and more often - but still not meeting my needs.
3. We are spending more time together (I haven't been travelling much for work).
4. She hasn't spoken with OM
5. She seems interested in being married to me
6. She has been transparent with everything I've asked.
Neutral:
Bad:
1. She has a hidden email address that she claims she can't remember /access that she used to send pics and communicate with OM.
2. The "newness" of reconciling seems to have worn off and we are creeping back to our old patterns and ways. I worry about us defaulting to our comfort/laziness and our relationship becoming stagnant again.
3. Right now I feel like there's no way I can have kids with her. I haven't communicated this.
4. If we move from our current area we will lose $30k or so - maybe more. If we sell her vehicle we will probably lose at least $2k - maybe more.
5. I feel pretty insecure about our relationship, sex and our future if I'm honest with myself. We live a mile or so from where WW and OM would meet/and or hookup - every time I leave the house I get a friendly reminder of this unless I am distracted/on a phone call.
"If you don't give me a baby, I am going to go out and do it again". Eventually, she will end up pregnant, you just won't know if its yours till you can get a DNA test. Vasectomies can be reversed, but its a hell of a lot more painful then getting it done in the first place. If she is still lying and in contact with the OM, and you have set NC as a boundary, you have no business trying to go to counseling or moving forward with her at all. Its not investing 6 months, she hasn't stopped the behavior. You not wanting to have kids with her is a deal breaker? My friend that is entitlement pure and simple. If she acts that way, she will cheat again. She thinks she deserves it. Dump her.
She has sat down with me in front of the computer trying to remember her username/pw. She claims she made something up and left it up in safari on her iphone - something I can't verify via iphone backups. She claims she didn't actively check it on any computer and didn't have to have a "backup" email address to create the live/hotmail account. She is really trying to say "i don't remember the login info because I never had to use it" -- seems suspect, but I've created email addresses that I've forgotten the info on, too.
I don't know of any other way to find out what it is without the help of OM or his GF. What do i do?
Is she just lying to me? I am in contact with OM's GF. We both think they are not in contact right now.
As far as the kids statement goes - I don't know if I should withhold this for now or if I should go ahead and drop that bomb. I'm not saying it can't change in the future - but right now there is no way.
Come to think of it, a throwaway email is always an option and easy to set up. Finding one does not mean she can't set up another later. Did she volunteer with the info about the account's existence?
Come to think of it, a throwaway email is always an option and easy to set up. Finding one does not mean she can't set up another later. Did she volunteer with the info about the account's existence?
Post D-day, I asked her if she had another way of communicating him and said she created this other email address once I found the original emails on her gmail account.
Not volunteered, but she did tell me when I asked.
Did the both of you get tested for STD's/ She put your health at great risk for screwing this guy for such a long period. Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife/ You realize that she is lying to you about forgetting the password. If the roles had been reversed do you think she would have been as accepting as you have been/ Sorry but her actions shows that she has little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Don't waste your life with a person that would do this to you. Good luck.
Reconciling but still protecting myself 
