I'm starting to understand more about my actions and how they impact the situation. Thank you both for the advice. I'm not an "eye roller" and haven't been in our relationship, it's just in this situation it's been hard not to. That's not excuse though and it is disrespectful.
My wife came home from her New Year's Eve outing and the next day basically broke down. I don't know what to do. She said that she doesn't want to have feelings for TOM anymore. She knows it can never work out, but the only reason she wants to cut it off is because of the reality that it will not work out. Not because this guy is a loser or because she loves me. She did say again that she doesn't want to break up our family, but she still doesn't have feelings for me.
Again I'm just confused. In talking with her for a long time yesterday I realize that she was planning seriously with this guy over the past couple months they've been talking. She told me that he was planning to leave his kids, move closer to us, now he has decided not to. When my wife tells him it's over because it could never work , he still says there is a way.
What do I do. We were going to seperate but she is upset about that. She is somewhat asking me for help, even though she didn't come right out and say it. Part of me wants to help her and not seperate and try to do something, but the other part is that she was planning behind my back all this time and now it's blown up and she doesn't know what to do.
Only by thinking long term will you be able to handle this.
Your wife appears to have unleashed a huge selfish streak, but we all have one of those, it's just that we suppress it most of the time. Once her senses come fully back to her, the biggest feeling she will have is embarrassment.
If you just listen to her and humour her for a while, you will gradually notice a lessening of the ME ME ME, in her conversation. Listen, but do not argue. As long as she is in an irrational mode, you will get nowhere. Eventually, she will thank you for hanging on for her.
If she does not eventually see your value, then you can make your own choice, once she has come back to normal. But at the moment she is not in her right mind, so you should make allowances.
Also give her plenty of space - more than she asks for. I would go as far as to offer her a separate bed to sleep in - because you want her to have space. Believe me this is strong medicine.
So her plans are falling through. Big surprise. Go through with moving her out. Even if you use the " it would be better for you. You need time to think and who knows maybe it will work out for you and him". I think this would slap her upside the head good...Just think you have always been there loving her, supporting her, and being her shoulder to cry on. Just see what happens to her when it looks like you are letting her go. You have never spoken like this to her before. As more of a friend and not a pleading spouse. Just try it.
The question is not whether she loves your son. Its does she love you. And you will never find out if things stay the same. She needs to feel the full weight of separation means. If you take her back without counseling, boundaries, a commitment to work on your marriage, you are kidding yourself. If she thinks life sucks with you. She needs to see how much more it sucks without you. I know this is tough. But if you cave. You will have gone through four months of hell, only to repeat it in the future. Can't you see this?
I know, but I read Twain's post and it seems like he is saying stick with her and work with her, don't seperate. Then I read your post and you are saying the opposite.
I understand what you are saying about letting her feel what life without me would be like. But what if she agreed to counseling, boundaries, commitment, etc. Should we still seperate? Wouldn't it be better for us to try and work on things while still living together.
My wife actually said last night "I think something is really wrong with me". She needs help, and I just don't know if seperating is gonig to actually help her.
My wife actually said last night "I think something is really wrong with me". She needs help, and I just don't know if seperating is gonig to actually help her.
She just needs time. Not counselling at this point, unless she requests it. But going to an MC would be the wrong thing. You can't fix a marriage while one person is in crisis. First the crisis must end.
She is on the verge of finding herself, so the process is quite delicate. By being loving but firm you can help her through and let her come to her own conclusions - the only conclusions that will help.
To repeat, she is now at the critical stage. She will be like a new person in a few weeks. She is not stupid, she will work it all out for herself. Just support her, but give her even more space than she asks for.
In your posts. You have said that she has always been selfish, treated you mean, talked down to you. Mark's position has its points if you want things to remain the same. But I think you are looking for a better marriage not the same marriage. I am not saying leave her, or divorce her. I am saying force a crisis in her life. The facts are she is going back and forth between you and him (only she treats you like ****. And treats him like a king). Do you want this to continue? She has to make a clear choice and she won't as long as she feels you will play along. I don't care if you move her out for a day. but she has to think that you have had enough. She is the one who has to stop contacting him. She must choose to go N/C with him. She needs to think "MY GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING, I AM GOING TO LOSE MY FAMILY" If you act more like a concerned friend and distance yourself, if only for a while. I think you will have a better chance at getting her and your marriage the help you need. But in the end it is your marriage. JMHO
Of course he can be firm and loving. But she must believe that he is not trying control her in this situation (though in truth, he has all the power). For four months he has been completely reactive in this relationship. She acts he responds. He needs to be proactive. He needs to make her understand that if she wants to be with him and her son. That she must choose to do it. And I am not saying drive her from the house with a stick. I am saying bring her to a point where he stops being the reason she is miserable, because he isn't the reason. She thinks he is, and that is why moving her out to be with herself and her thoughts takes him out of the picture as the problem? Then instead of being the husband who is keeping her from doing what she wants. He becomes her friend who she runs to for help. Do you understand what I am saying. It is the old "if you love something set it free" In my mind there is no question that she will respond to this and could really have a breakthrough.
Well mclovin, you have two points of view here. Tough love or wait and see. You have tried wait and see for 4 months. But in the end its your marriage.
You are correct when you say he has been reactive. But that is partly because he was at a loss to know what to do.
What I am advocating is subtlety...
Offering her a bed of her own would be much more subtle than packing her bags. Giving her more space than she asks for is very powerful. If someone asks for 5 minute alone and you give them 6, it makes the difference between them getting what they wanted and getting more than they bargained for.
This situation is already in crisis, heaping in more unknowns at this time could be dangerous. If you love someone, you try to do what's best for them.
When she comes back down to earth, she will remember what she did, and how he reacted. So there will be consequences all round, and we can't be sure how it will go. So I say keep the chaotic elements to a minimum. At least he gets to keep an eye on her if she is in the house.
My wife came home from her New Year's Eve outing and the next day basically broke down. I don't know what to do. She said that she doesn't want to have feelings for TOM anymore. She knows it can never work out, but the only reason she wants to cut it off is because of the reality that it will not work out. Not because this guy is a loser or because she loves me. She did say again that she doesn't want to break up our family, but she still doesn't have feelings for me.
Again I'm just confused. In talking with her for a long time yesterday I realize that she was planning seriously with this guy over the past couple months they've been talking. She told me that he was planning to leave his kids, move closer to us, now he has decided not to. When my wife tells him it's over because it could never work , he still says there is a way.
I would really appreciate any help or advice.
You said it. Right here. The only thing is, is I think she does love you. She is in a romantic fog with this guy. It is like you said. She needs to stay because she WANTS to be with you. Not because she HAS to be with you.
We do sleep in seperate rooms so she has her own bed to sleep in so to speak. The problem I have is determining if she really is in "crisis" or if this is just another game.
I have been reactive and at times I know I've made the situation probably worse by how I acted or things I've said. I have been hurtful to her by what I've said to her because she was hurting me a lot. I make no excuses for the things I've said. However I have tried and tried and this is one of the first times that my wife actually opened up to me about how she is feeling and what she is gong through.
Again, I'm skeptical because I just don't know if she is being real or not. The thing that boggles my mind is that on Sunday she is upset because she "broke it off" with him and told him it could never work mainly because of me and how I would react to them being together. She tries to convince me that he is a "good guy" and that her being happy is better for everyone including our son. Now last night (5 days later) she is completely breaking down and not wanting to have feelings for TOM. She tells me she just feels torn and is sick of feeling like this. She tells me that she wishes TOM would have been more up front about his situation from the start and that she keeps going back and forth about what he is going to do because she feels that he lost her once and doesn't want to let go again (they dated in college).
In listening to her last night I responding very little. I did tell her that I thought that she was building him up into something more than what he is and not seeing the situation as it really is. He is manipulating her for his own selfish reason. My wife was depressed and uspet prior to meeting him, that's what prompted her reaching out to him. He took advantage of that as an opportunity for him, and in doing so is driving her crazy. I mean my wife is a beautiful woman and she looks horrible. She doesn't sleep...started smoking...If he cared so much why would he put her through this..that's what I asked. I also told her that it's only a matter of time before he asks her to leave our son.
Is this a crisis or just another game? If she moves out what are your fears? He is not in country so he can't sleep with her. She thinks she loves him. So I don't think she will go out and sleep with someone else. You guys don't have money. She will have less to party with if you close your accounts and move her out. You have to look at the downside. Does she seem suicidal? If not move forward.
Have you ever tried, just letting go? Like you're through fighting for her. If not at least give it a try. Has anything else you've done worked? I know you love her and want whats best for her. At this point she doesn't know what she wants. All you would be doing is backing off and letting her feel the weight of her actions.
Re: Why? 
