Alright. Here is the update. So I call her to talk to her. I am calm and not judgemental. I told her that I appreciated her talking to me last night.
I told her that it is hard for me to see her leave and move out. I told her that in my heart that I don't want her to go, but that she hasn't really made any commitment to me to try and see things through. I told her that I may have acted irrationally at times and made things worse at times and that I apologize for that. I was just hurt and upset at what she was doing.
She responds by asking me what I want her to do. She told me that she really does want to be with this other guy but the reality is that it can't happen and that she just wants to lose the feelings for him because it is making her sick and she can't take it anymore. So in short she still denies to see that this guy is manipulating her and is a loser. I'm sure if this situation was happening with a guy down the street she'd be gone based on these comments. right?
She also says that all of her reasons for being upset with leaving surround leaving our son and the house that she feels comfortable in. Again, I'm not in the picture. She says that the environment has not been good and the tension is part of the problem. She doesn't look forward to seeing me or me coming up. I told her that I feel the same way because of what has gone on, but at the same time neither of us has done anything to make the other want to come home.
Again, it goes back to a committment to making it work. It's just not there on her end. She actually compared me to TOM in confusing her because one minute I want her to move out and the next I'm questioning if there are other options. I told her that the difference is what I'm offering is concrete not empty promises. She ended the conversation by basically saying that she thinks it is best to move out for her. She wants to get clear of the situation and away from me to think things out and see if she can get rid of her feelings for TOM.
Twain..I tried your approach, but basically she pushed me away. I wasn't condesending a jerk or anything. I was understanding, calm and tried to reach out to her again. She pushed me away. I guess by her choosing INIT's approach is going to happen. I just wanted to believe that she was reaching out to me but in reality it probably was just bull. I guess I have nothing left to do but to let go.
I believe I can honestly say that I've tiried every approach to this possible. Anger, Demands, Step Back, Understanding, Listening, Reasoning...everything. Maybe she does just really love this guy and I'm keeping her away from him. I don't want to believe it's true, but maybe it is. Maybe he isn't a loser, even though all the facts say he is, maybe he isn't. Maybe I just haven't faced the reality that she just doesn't love me anymore and there isn't anything I can do about it.
I think she loves the idea of this guy. Though i didn't know that they went to college together. I think this is for the best. at this point. You need space.
Twain..I tried your approach, but basically she pushed me away. I wasn't condesending a jerk or anything. I was understanding, calm and tried to reach out to her again. She pushed me away. I guess by her choosing INIT's approach is going to happen. I just wanted to believe that she was reaching out to me but in reality it probably was just bull. I guess I have nothing left to do but to let go.
Then you did not quite understand me. I am saying, do nothing. Let her do it. Just stand back. You keep getting in the way of her and her.
Let her move in or move out. If she asks you what you think, just say - I'm easy either way - it's your choice. You need to give her time for the "penny to drop".
What might help you right now, is if you had some activity to throw yourself into, because the best way to fast-track this is by giving the appearance that you are letting her get on with it. If you are seen to be hovering around waiting for her decision, you will just delay the process.
You're getting much better at dealing with her, but you need to get this last little bit of indifference in place.
They met in college and were on again off again. She basically failed out of college. She felt she was too immature and wanted to party rather than be with him at this point. She left college and was supposed to go to a wedding with him and stood him up. Then he tried to call her later in the year and she blew him off.
She tells me that he said that she broke his heart and that he has always loved her. That is why he just won't let it go because he doesn't want to lose her again.
Honestly I think they are both screwed up in some way. This guy is fresh off a divorce and my wife was apparently more depressed than I realized. It's like perfect alignment for stupid things to happen.
I think this dude is very manipulative and she just hasn't seen the "real him" yet. I do believe that she has broken it off with him because she is really depressed and crying all the time.
So what do I say when I go home? Do I say anything or do I just let her say something? If she asks me what to do or says things about confusing her, how do I respond?
Do I say "whatever you decide I'm ok with" or do I tell her that "if you want to stay here I will give you space but you have to committ to _____ (fill in the blank)?"
INIT is right in one way in that she has never really been that great to me. I mean it hasn't all been crap but she has said things to me over the years that have been hurtful and very rarely apologizes for what she says or how she acts.
What else do you think she is not telling me? I mean I know what you are saying because every time I talk calmly with her more info comes out. But at the same time there is a consistent theme from her which is "I don't love you anymore".
Just don't talk to her. Give her space. Don't try to get any commitments. She can't be trusted with commitments. What you need to (and I know this hard) is put on a front that you are happy and moving forward. No buying into the crying on your shoulder. You now become her biggest cheer leader. In regards to getting her life together. Not the affair. I want you to remember this. If she asks if you miss her, you say of course. And nothing more. This is your new catch phrase:
THE HAPPIER I GET, THE MORE SHE'LL REGRET.
She needs to see your life stabalizing. While hers is coming apart. She needs to remember what attrachted her to you in the first place.
I pesonally think she has a severe case of post partum depression. But if you can't help her right now. You need to be the best person for you and your son. Pull the financial support.
If she complains. Tell her "our" priority has to be our boy. Make her think that if she take from you, she is taking from your son.
That way you are not the enemy.
You are right. Every so often my heart gets in the way and I snap back to thinking that if I show her I care enough or that I love her enough that she will just wake up.l The fact is that I've done that certainly over the months that this has been going on and over our entire relationship.
I like the catch phrase. I just don't believe she will regret leaving. I basically think the moment she leaves it really is over. I mean to hear her talk about this other guy and idolize him I just can't see how she would ever want me back, even if she does let him go. Because I'll be the reason and the center of why she cannot be with him. The fact of the matter is that if I weren't in the picture she'd be long gone to be with him and my son would have to deal with two lunatics.
She said to me the other day that she struggles to make it through the day with my son. I'm thinking about suggesting to her that she makes a complete break from us altogether. I just don't think she will go for that. My son could go to my parents during the day so she could have time to be alone to think. Again though I just don't think she will want to be away from our son because he's like her only source of happiness right now. Yet at the same time she tells me she struggles to get the energy during the day to be with him. That's the depression part that I think you are talking about. But she blames her depression on basically me because she wants to be with TOM and can't because of me.
Again , as I write this I feel like a complete idiot. Why do I even try with her. It sucks being human. Robots have it easy. LOL.
Do I say "whatever you decide I'm ok with" or do I tell her that "if you want to stay here I will give you space but you have to committ to _____ (fill in the blank)?"
No demands. Give her space and see what she does with it. As INIT says, work on making yourself well. I would definitely not ague with her, there is no point at the moment.
How much of a life do you have outside of the house? Can you increase it?
This weekend I had a lot of space. She had the flu so I spent most of the weekend at my parents with my son. We had such a great time away from her. My son really loves my parents and the environment. I was able to get a reprieve from this mess.
How did she handle it? Not well at all. Even though she was sick she still was able to badger me about not seeing our son and me providing a better environment for him than she can. She also continued harping on me because our son didn't take a nap either day (because he was excited to be at my parents) and went to bed at 7:30pm rather than 9:00pm which is his "schedule" as she says.
On Monday morning I woke up to go to work and my son woke up as well. He was screaming for me not to go and grasping onto my leg and hip. He kept saying "daddy don't go to work". My wife came in and basically was po'd about this. She again started the "he loves you more" comments and "I can provide a better environment comments". She then said that she gave up her career to be with him at home and he doesn't love her as much as he loves me. She ran into the other room and just started crying hysterically. Then when she came back in and tried to get him he told her to "just leave mommy" and wouldn't go to her. She then said that she "hated" me. Then she said that she was just going to "move to Cleveland" to be with her loverboy because our son wouldn't miss her anyway.
So this is all at 6am on Monday morning. I come home Monday night and she has dinner ready and is somewhat normal. I tried to talk to her and ask her what she really wanted. When I asked her if she wanted to move to Cleveland or leave us she could do that. Now she kicks into denial mode saying that she says these things out of frustration and hurt and would never leave our son. Just like I say things out of frustration, but when she says things I believe she is serious. I told her that she keeps saying she is going to leave us over and over again, so I have no choice but to believe that is what she wants to do.
Then she asks about seperating and if we should just divorce. I told her that I think she should move out to seperate first because I can't take her back and forth mindset. Does she really want to leave us and is just being spiteful about staying because she knows how much my son means to me? Is she just saying those things out of frustration? I have never said anything about leaving our son and although I've said hurtful things I didn't mean I would never say out of frustration that I would leave him. THe other part is that when I have said things during this ordeal I have always..and I mean always apologized to her for them.
It's just such a mess I'm in. Last night we got into the other guy discussion to. She says she stopped talking to him but still has him on facebook. I asked her why...no answer. Then she said "i'll just remove him..done". I just think she is up to something. Either she has something planned about leaving to be with him or something. Any thoughts?
like you have told me many times before my friend your being jacked. she wants to see how far she can go with it. seems like shes trying to base how much you love her by how much **** she can put you though. thats my take anyway my wife has been pulling the same **** with me. its like a toy for them you and i are a yo-yo on a string she tosses that yo-yo out there and then waits to see how far it goes before it comes back. well if you cut the string on the yo-yo how far does that yo-yo go? kinda makes that person with the yo-yo in hand wonder where the **** the other end went doesnt it? let her dig her own hole thats how you will get her back if you truly want to work on your marriage. mclovin ever throw a boomerang what happens to it when you throw it? it always comes back right? throw your boomerang my friend and watch what happens! im just learning this concept now threw my wife an ultimatum the other night she replied to me this morning do you really want a divorce?? i said isnt that what you want? and she didnt answer me... throw your boomerang my friend..... really think about it at this point how much worse can it get??
__________________
"I WILL SAVE MY MARRIAGE."
"i will be a more sensitive,caring,and emotional person this is what my family deserves from me."
"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain..."
Why she is asking about separation or divorce, is she is trying to push your buttons. I think she was trying to get you into the "i must save my marriage mode". The next time she brings it up. Tell her impatiently (but not angrily)
"just leave, we can workout the details later." Don't say if you want to leave. say "Just leave"
She was already supposed to be gone. Tell her:
"I know you will never leave our son. And I want you to spend as much time as you can with him. But you obviously don't love me. So you should move out. You can see him anytime you want to. There is no reason for you to stay."
You may think she is scheming. But I think she does not want to leave you. She said she is going N/C with this guy. THIS IS A MAJOR SUCCESS. Even if you can't be sure. She is no longer rubbing it in your face. And is doing things like, dumping his face book.
As I have said. I am not so sure that she doesn't love you. As I said. She needs to brought to a crisis. I BELIEVE THE CRISIS IS YOU PULLING AWAY FROM HER.
This other guy is romance. YOU ARE LOVE. I think she knows this deep down.
Remember. You are now the self confident happy guy. You want the best for her. Before, she thought you just wanted her to stay for yourself. Now you want what will make her happy.
You may be to close to the situation. To see the changes in her.
Let me leave you with this thought. And I believe it is of major import. She didn't say "I want a separation or a divorce". SHE WAS ASKING YOU WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO. If she wanted either of these things she would be gone already. Think about it. Keep pulling away. But always wanting the best for her.
If she loves you. Remember. THE HAPPIER YOU GET THE MORE SHE WILL REGRET.
Or another thing you could say to her (regarding her comment about separation or divorce), is "we could do the separation now when you move out. Don't worry about divorce. I will file the day you go to meet him". A line in the sand!
Once she has decided to stay (I believe she already has) and the shoe is on the other foot. You will be able to take it to the next level. By telling her. " No, the only way you CAN stay is going to individual counseling. and then marital counseling after that ". "I will no longer live this way or put my son through this any longer. We will either work on this marriage and our love or we will end it." No screaming, no fighting. And then tell her the next time she goes out partying with her friends you will change the locks on the doors. You will not stop her or even ask her not to go. Just be sure she knows that the next time it happens. She will be living in the other house.
Re: Why? 
