I was thinking about this last night in regards to my situation (explained in other posts). My wife tells me she wants to seperate but now that we are at that point she asks if I think it's the right thing to do. During our last argument (after she stayed out til 2am) she told me that this is it and she is calling a lawyer to get a divorce (not the first time she's said this). But yet the very next day she calls TOM and supposedly breaks off the relationship with him. My wife has also said that she is so unhappy with me and the only reason she hasn't just split is because of our son and the fact that she doesn't want to ruin our family.
My question to all is...what do I make of this behavior? Am I just the safety net, which is why she hasn't just filed for divorce? She doesnt want to do anything like counseling or try to spend time together so she's not trying to make the situation better. After telling me she talked with TOM and broke it off she was completely crying and depressed, so I believe she did do that, yet when I asked her if he is still a friend of her facebook she said yes, which started another argument last night.
I'd like anyone's thoughts on this. I'll be spending New Year's Eve alone as my wife is going out and staying over her girlfriends house. She doesn't think anything is wrong with that because her logic is that if she stayed home she would be miserable with me and suffer complete boredom, so that makes it ok for her to go out.
Because she doesn't want to be the bad parent in the eyes of your son. She wants to be able to say it was dad who wanted to divorce, it was dad who broke up our family, it was all dads fault. I don't know how old your son is but young kids are very easy to brainwash.
I came to find out after my wife finally moved out in Nov. that her goal had been make my life so miserable I would move out and file for divorce. She had told this to her friends who have since washed their hands of her because of her actions. Several affairs, lots and lots of lies, no help around the house(and I mean NO help!). The last few years were total hell, but I kept soldering on because my family and marriage were important to me. My home and kids made me happy so I put up with my wife. She went so far as to talk to the kids about divorcing me before we ever talked about it.
Do you really believe she is going to a girlfriends house for New Years ? It sounds fishy to me. I would try and check out her story, and be prepared for the worse.
At this point I would also take steps to protect yourself financially, you can't leagally hide martial assets but you can move things to stop her from emptying the accounts. Put a max on your credit cards as well. Here is another fun one when your married to a cheater, go to the doctor and get tested for STD's. I don't know what state your in but here in Ohio the courts don't care who cheated on who, it's pretty much a 50/50 split in the end.
There are couples who can work thru a lot of problems and come out with a better and stronger marriage. I thought I had one of those marriages, but I was wrong. Try and save your marriage if you think it's possible, but please, protect yourself in case it fails.
Good morning mclovin. The reason she broke it off for now. Is that you were finally drawing a line with her. You don't seem to understand that all the power in your marriage resides in you. For 9 years this woman has berated you, cheated on you, physically and mentally abused you. She is a completely miserable person. She hates herself so she can't love you. You want her to go to C but she won't. Not because she thinks she doesn't need it. Because of what she will find out about herself. The blinders will be taken off and what will be left? A miserable, selfish, cheating, lying woman who is devoid of love and kindness. Would you want to find this out about yourself. She has put you through 4 months of hell. And she has now called of the EA with this guy. Why? Because she thinks you now actually mean what you say.
you have supplied her every need and she is angry with you because you can't fix whats wrong with her. She is literally crying out for help. But the only way to fix her is to leave her or for her to leave. If you do not go through with this. Things will get worse. Her violence towards you is escalating. What happens if she hurts your son? She won't want to, but she is in such pain. It will come out in ways she cannot control. My suggestion is that you continue readying her to move out. In fact if the place is ready. I would consider moving some of her stuff out. And then changing the locks. You may need to actually get a restraining order against her. You cannot control or fix what is happening to her. The toughest part will be when she does a complete 180. If you separate from her she is liable (out of fear) to say anything you want to hear. She will make her health (considering suicide) your problem. You cannot pick up that responsibility. I personally think that if you can do this, it could quite possibly the only way to save your marriage. If it is even worth saving.
You also need to get a VAR for your house. You need to record her outbursts. You need to go down to radio shack and get one TODAY! If this comes down to a custody fight. You will need it to show her irrational fits of anger. I hope you are also documenting what she is doing. For the sake of your son you must be prepared.
A voice activated recorder-does this pick up all the sounds in your house (children, pets, etc) or is the threshold yelling etc? New to this and I don't know what this is but I am interested!
It's like last night when I came home and rolled my eyes when she mentioned going out to get a "festive shirt" for New Year's eve. She got all po'd and demanded to know what I was rolling my eyes about. I told her to not worry about it. Then she goes into the "this is what I mean about you and why things will never get any better". I told her that it's hard to hide my emotions sometimes and if she really must know I think she is being selfish.
Then I started to talk about getting the key to the house she will be moving into to and that I would have it on Friday or Monday. She calmed down and was nicer. Last night I had this dream that she apologized to me and that we were back together. It was so real that I woke up and thought it had happened. Then I realized it was just a dream and depression started to set in.
I don't know why I still care for her and love her. I just guess I'm hanging on for some reason because I do think she wants help but isn't sure what to do. When I try to talk to her calmly about getting help it doesn't work. I even tried to say that she should get help for the sake of our son. She came back with "what I do in my personal life has no impact on him" referring to her affair.
She tells me that I interject my perspective and code of ethics all the time and last night again made me feel responsible for what has happened.
I am just so down again. I'm listening to other people in my office talk about going out with their spouse or having fun and I think my wife will be out, without me, having fun and possibly cheating more. I have no way of really knowing. I still believe TOM is still in Iraq because I actually called the base that he would return to and scoured online to see what troops returned in December and none of them were his regiment.
I'll at least have peace with my son tonight and she probably won't come rolling in until 2pm-3pm tomorrow. I like to how she mentioned last night that some nights she wanted time with my son. Now she will be with him all day and I work during the day and she had the balls to say that she wanted a couple nights with him as well. Is this completely selfish of her or am I acting wrong in thinking that if she has him during the day then I should at least be able to be with him during the evening since he will also be staying at my home at night.
I am just so sad guys. I just feel completely depressed about everything. I try to get strength but I'm just a senstive person and this really hurts me at the core. I've never experienced such pain and hurt like this.
I don't know mclovin. I am afraid you are so close to the situation that you are a little frozen with fear. You are now in your enabling mode. You are going to let her go out on new years and further reinforce that you will give away your power and your manhood for the sake of her throwing you the smallest crumb. I guess you will take it till you can't take it anymore. I just think you are compounding your pain. You're like some one who has a festering splinter in their hand. You know it has to come out but you also know that it is going to hurt. But if you don't take it out it will only get worse.
Here is the thing I told her that I thought it was completely selfish for her to go out. She is moving out in the next week or so. I cannot physically stop her from doing anything and she has proven that she will do whatever she wants to do regardless of what I say or demand. She is such a complete jerk that if she did stay home she would completely badger me the entire night and try to provoke me. Is that healthy for me or my son? I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't. If she stays I go through hell with her home, if she goes I at least am away from her and my son and I can have some fun, but at the same time I'm wondering what she is doing and will be depressed. I'm just screwed either way.
At this point my thought process is to let her self destruct. At least I will have peace for the night and be able to spend time with my son and my parents, who my son really enjoys. It's part of the focus on myself and my son part.
With that said, I'm upset by her going out, I've voiced my opinion and feel that it's selfish. I've told her that instead of going out she should be getting things together to move out because I will not help her move or do anything at the place she is staying. It's all for her to figure out. I'm trying to move ahead and free myself of her. I just have given up trying to fight her or show her what is right and what is wrong or what she should do or shouldn't do.
She doesn't listen anyway. She will find out when she moves and I cut her access to her account and she has to open up her own account, take care of things without me, be without me to badger and hurt. I hope she enjoys it.
Now you're talking. I know you don't want to help her move. But she is liable at the end to say she "is not going anywhere. If you want to leave you can". It is imperative that you close off her account. Let me run this idea past you. Can you stop access to your account today (if she finds out what you're planning she could clean you out) and include your credit cards. All you have to do is call up and say that the card was lost and could you cancel it and send new ones. If she doesn't have cash to party she will be less likely to focus on sleeping with some one, because she will be pissed about it.
I agree with stopping the access to your credit cards now. When someone knows they are leaving they usually have a plan. It includes going by that bank as the first stop. I would hate to see her clean your account out and leave you with nothing. Now that is not to say to leave her with no money or high and dry, but my STBX sister-in-law, withdrew $20K from my brother and her joint checking and left him the week before he came back from Korea. There was absolutely no recourse legal or otherwise because it was a joint account. She spent the money putting a down payment on her new boyfriend's car!
Honestly there's really not that much to take. I have one credit card and it's in my wallet. As far as money in our account, not much. She stays at home and I'm no millionare so we have some left after bills, but no savings really.
I really think that when the point comes for her to move out there will be a battle because she is afraid to be alone. If this goofball really is still in Iraq and will be there for a few more months, being alone is going to drive her insane. Plus having to do things herself without me helping her will be a real challenge for her because I always help her...not this time.
I know I sound like a real idiot after knowing my story and hearing how I'm handling it. I just don't know what to do. It's obviously clear that my wife doesn't care and has a problem. I have a son and I just want him to have a mom and a dad that love each other. It's probably not going to happen because of my wife, but I've tried and now I'm just pushing myself to move on. She is moving out, hopefully and maybe we'll both get a better perspective on what we want or what the problems are.
To her though, I'm the bad guy, who doesn't understand her right now and I don't want to be resented for caring and trying to help her anymore.
I'm just still hurt and trying to make sense of all of this. The first couple months of this were just really emotional. Then the holidays came up and I've been dealing with emotions associated with that. You know, it's just hard. Someone I work with told me that the "nice guys finish last" describes me. I don't want to become bitter and change based on what has happened though and I feel like sometimes I am becoming bitter towards women. When I have gone out I've talked to some women and it seems that there is some interest out there for a guy like me. I'm not the kind of guy that's a hound or driven by sex (I was a virgin when I married my wife). I'm a funny dude, a caring person. I'm not bad looking I guess. I've got a pretty good job that I love and my son loves me. Those are the good things to focus on I guess, but some of the bad things are hard to get out of my head with what has happened.
It's like last night when I came home and rolled my eyes when she mentioned going out to get a "festive shirt" for New Year's eve.
Rolling ones eyes is one of the worst thing spouses can do to one another. If this has been a constant thing with you two, that alone (and what lies behind it) could have been enough to have ruined your marriage. What it shows is utter, utter, contempt and disapproval.
Now I know why you rolled your eyes on this particular occasion, but think back...
When there is regular eye rolling in a marriage, it's almost over.
Rolling ones eyes is one of the worst thing spouses can do to one another. If this has been a constant thing with you two, that alone (and what lies behind it) could have been enough to have ruined your marriage. What it shows is utter, utter, contempt and disapproval.
Now I know why you rolled your eyes on this particular occasion, but think back...
When there is regular eye rolling in a marriage, it's almost over.
Rolling of the eyes is extremely disrespectful! I understand why you did it in this situation as well, but if it has been going on a lot, it can be a cause for concern.
Why? 
Rolling of the eyes is extremely disrespectful! I understand why you did it in this situation as well, but if it has been going on a lot, it can be a cause for concern.
