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Can Cheating lead to a better marriage?

18K views 189 replies 55 participants last post by  TaDor 
#1 ·
If you are caught or admit to infidelity in a marriage, can that situation contribute to identifying the underlying problems and allow you to work on resolving them, ending up with a better marriage?
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#2 ·
Only if you believe that being married to someone who can't be straight with you to tell you what's wrong in the relationship and instead goes out to cheat behind your back, is somehow your fault. Many people cheat because they don't want to be married, not because their marriage is bad. Many people cheat because they don't want to lose what they have (home, kids, etc) and want their cake and to eat it, too. IOW, many people cheat and it has nothing to do with the marriage. Even if the marriage was horrible, why not just tell the person how unhappy you are, instead of cheating? :eek:
 
#4 ·
I would say it would depend on the BS and how willing they are to look past you $hitting on their marriage, family, etc...

I can see for some it would get all the issues hopefully out in the open to address, and that could potentially lead to a better marriage. I would think that would be the exception to the rule. I would rather just kick em out and get a dog lol.
 
#61 ·
Anyone who thinks cheating can lead to a better marriage is delusional.
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Including, apparently, those of us who have actually lived it.

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#7 ·
I don't think so.
To me the issues that led to the infidelity might be dealt with after the person is caught but who is to say that the cheater doesn't have some other issues that cause them peril in the marriage and they react by cheating again.
I think that if you have cheated once you are more apt to cheat again. It's the cowards way out of running from problems instead confronting them head on.

I don't think it leads to a better marriage. Perhaps it leads to those underlying issues being fixed but that doesn't necessarily mean a better marriage . I think those that chose to stay (I am one of them) will never fully trust 100% the spouse. You are left with that scar and that to me that is not better. Different most definitely but not better.


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#14 · (Edited)
I think those that chose to stay (I am one of them) will never fully trust 100% the spouse. You are left with that scar and that to me that is not better. Different most definitely but not better.
Yep, I'm a stay-er. 7+ years down the road, it still haunts, never forgotten. Better? Pffh.
 
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#9 ·
My own experience? I thought the 30 years between DD1 and DD2 were better and that he would never cheat again. I was wrong.

But there are obviously success stories on TAM so I would say the answer -- for a very few -- is "yes". I don't think in general that's true but it does happen (just not for me or anyone I know in real life).
 
#16 ·
There are a number of incidence where the marriage improved after the disclosure of an affair. If you look at these incidence it becomes evident that both partners put all the cards on the table and both want to salvage the marriage. Oftentimes one or the other's heart is not into it, and more often than not, its the WS.
 
#18 ·
If you are caught or admit to infidelity in a marriage, can that situation contribute to identifying the underlying problems and allow you to work on resolving them, ending up with a better marriage?]
Some people say that cheating can lead to a better marriage, unfortunately most of those people have been cheaters try to rationalize their cheating. It appears to be part of the cheater's script.
 
#30 · (Edited)
Well for some it is but for others it isn't.

Take two people standing high on a bridge parapet.

The one with the parachute is a thrill seeking base jumper.

The one in the soiled and rumpled business suit is contemplating jumping not for an Adrenalin rush but to possibly end their life.

Same with some cheaters. Seeking a thrill or seeking something else maybe even release from their marriage.

I recall one person on TAM who said they wanted to divorce their husband didn't want one so she set her husband up to find her in bed with another man.

It worked. He divorced her but she was sad with how if had broken him. She hadn't counted on how upset it would leave him.
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#25 ·
I think most responders here are missing the obvious. Cheating can absolutely lead to a better marriage. But the marriage that it can improve must have been so awful, those two shouldn't ever have been married to begin with.

The better question is, "Can cheating improve a marriage that wasn't already in the ****ter?" The answer is oh hail no.
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#26 ·
I think most responders here are missing the obvious. Cheating can absolutely lead to a better marriage. But the marriage that it can improve must have been so awful, those two shouldn't ever have been married to begin with.
Maybe. But the marriage could have been good but just deteriorated over the years until it got to be awful, but both just suffered through it until something radical changed the situation.

Some posters are not speaking hypothetically.
 
#33 · (Edited)
I think often times the revelation of the A begins a new, much deeper dialogue between the couple, which often is started by the BS saying things like "you didn't think I was unhappy too, and that I didn't think about wanting to leave you and/or have an A, but I choose not to in order to not disrupt the family dynamic". But now the BS has an open floor to present their grievances that they were reluctant to mention before, because they have nothing to lose and everything to gain, if there is a chance to save the marriage and make it better (assuming the WS is remorseful, feels guilty, and apologizes for the hurt that was caused to the BS).

And don't forget about the hysterical bonding sex that occurs after Dday. For those trapped in a sexless marriage, this could be a catalyst for renewed desire.
 
#53 ·
I think often times the revelation of the A begins a new, much deeper dialogue between the couple, which often is started by the BS saying things like "you didn't think I was unhappy too, and that I didn't think about wanting to leave you and/or have an A, but I choose not to in order to not disrupt the family dynamic". But now the BS has an open floor to present their grievances that they were reluctant to mention before, because they have nothing to lose and everything to gain, if there is a chance to save the marriage and make it better (assuming the WS is remorseful, feels guilty, and apologizes for the hurt that was caused to the BS).
Although the affair may give the betrayed spouse (BS) "an open floor to present their grievances that they were reluctant to mention before", those grievances pale by comparison to the long term deep hurt and lack of trust that the affair inflicts on the BS if they stay in the marriage.

And don't forget about the hysterical bonding sex that occurs after Dday. For those trapped in a sexless marriage, this could be a catalyst for renewed desire.
The problem with hysterical bonding is that it is only short term, and causes resentment because it shows the BS what was possible had the cheater not denied them this for so many years.
 
#37 ·
I could see how it might work. Its possible that knowing that your partner cheated makes it clear that they are desirable to other people and that they have the option of leaving.

Threats of divorce don't do that, because they may not be believed. Actual divorce ends the relationship.

Still, not saying I recommend it.
 
#41 ·
Hell to the "no!" At least in the vast majority of cases, that is!

If anything, to the BS with only an ounce of "common sense," it will only predicate ~ at best ~ the ability to grow a new set of eyes in the back of of their heads, as well as to begin to foster an unfathomable aura of blatant mistrust and resentment between what should be two normally, loving and trusting spouses!

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#45 ·
I have no doubt that it is possible and sometimes happens. Either the WS realizes how good they have it and rededicates themselves to their marriage, or the couple reconciles and improves their marriage to eliminate some of the previous problems that created dissatisfaction.
 
#46 ·
Mine did, absolutely! I wish I had had the foresight or know how to tackle those problems before that though. It was like tearing my entire marriage apart and rebuilding it from the ground up, which it needed badly. Just to clarify though, it was the counseling and work that came after the infidelity that helped, not the infidelity itself.
Am I glad I cheated? Not at all. Am I glad I was honest about it? Yes, even though it cost an expensive personal toll.


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